Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Am I overreacting

61 replies

offmyrocker · 29/05/2011 12:37

Yesterday (D)H, DD and me went to visit friends about 1hrs drive from us.

My husband has always had an issue with drinking and I consider him an alcoholic, but because he only gets paralytic every few months (although drinks quite a bit everyday) he disagrees with me and tells me I exaggerate things and that he's not got a drink problem. However, the problem is that when he does drink too much he gets quite aggressive (with what he says), and yesterday he managed to make our good friends cry.
They've just had their DS2 2 wks ago and so it's a pretty emotional time for them anyway, and under the circumstances they were very forgiving over H's harsh words (which were about a mutual friend who had been bad-mouthing them to my H), and because he got drunk he clearly thought it a good occasion to tell our dear friends about it, seeing as all signs of sensitivity disappear when H has had a few too many. In fact he calmly continued to eat his dinner as our friends cried at the table. I was so mortified.

The other thing is that I don't drive, and by the end of the meal all I wanted to do was to go home. So H drove us back and I spent the whole drive firstly wondering what the hell I was doing putting my DD in danger with a drunk husband swerving around on the dark streets, and secondly why the fuck do I continue staying with him. And as a final slap in the face after he dropped us off home he went off to the pub to continue drinking.
Of course this morning he was full of apologies, saying that perhaps he had over-indulged slightly, but that I was equally to blame as I still allowed him to drive us home and in his mind that's proof that he couldn't have been that drunk.
I'm so fed-up and after years of this I just want to leave. But our DD is only 9 months and I don't live near any family and I'm completely supported by him. Basically I haven't got the guts to take off. But then I think maybe I am making a mountain out of a molehill. His aggressive behaviour only happens a handful of times a year and the rest of the time he is a really good father and a pretty kind bloke.

So am I overreacting? No one's perfect, and I'm by no means the easiest of people to deal with. So should I just take these moments as a horrible blip that occasionally occur and get on with living what isn't a too bad life with him?
This has taken a lot of courage to write and to be honest I've been in two minds as to whether I should actually send this out. It's the first time I've admitted wanting to leave him to anyone. And even though I'm sure our friends and family know that there's a problem (they've all witnessed his embarrassing bouts of drunkenness) they don't know exactly how confused I am, or how desperate I feel.
I could really do with some objective views. If you've got to the end of this long thread, thank you.

OP posts:

buzzsore · 29/05/2011 12:47

You are not overreacting.

That he could make your friends cry and still chow down his dinner is a hideous thing, drunk or no.

He clearly has a drink problem, and no, just because it happens on occasion, should not be allowed to continue or ignored or forgiven. If he cannot drink without turning into a nasty drunk, the right thing for him to do would be to stop drinking. I bet he wouldn't countenance that one. You're probably even now making excuses that you wouldn't want to ask him that.

You need to get stronger and more independent, so you can stand up to him or leave - and you should never get in a car with your child with him when he has been drinking ever again.

Malificence · 29/05/2011 12:49

You put your child in a car driven by a drunk man, quite frankly you deserve all you get.

clam · 29/05/2011 12:50

Are you over-reacting? Are you OVER-REACTING???????
Oh dear God, where to start?

WhoAteMySnickers · 29/05/2011 12:56

You are not overreacting. Perhaps the first step in helping him realise he has a drink problem would have been to refuse to put your DD's life in danger by letting him drive you both home drunk.

AnyFucker · 29/05/2011 12:58

You are not over reacting

And I am not over reacting to say you are a fucking fool to put yourself, your DD and other road uers in terrible danger by allowing him to drive ou back

you knew he would be drinking whne you went to this dinner party didn't you ?

now I have been harsh, i have some advice for you

go home to your family, with your precious baby

learn to drive

get a job

never, ever rely totally on a man ever again, especially one who is an utter prick

Anniegetyourgun · 29/05/2011 13:00

I don't think you're even reacting at all, and it's about time you did.

Mabelface · 29/05/2011 13:04

Oh my fucking god, you allowed your precious child to be driven by a drunken man. You are seriously UNDERreacting and you need to do something, like get the fuck out of there until he can prove that he's sober for a long, long time. You were bloody stupid getting in that car.

Mabelface · 29/05/2011 13:05

Sorry about the language, btw, but that's how shocked I am.

Anniegetyourgun · 29/05/2011 13:05

Hello Mad, are you my sister? [waves on the off-chance]

buzzsore · 29/05/2011 13:09

If you want to split, you can ask him to leave the marital home. Pack his bags and tell him to go. He has an obligation to provide a home for his child, so would be expected to contribute. You would also get support from the state while you got on your feet.

Alternatively, you can leave - go home to your parents if that's an option?
You could try to put the money together for a rental property, ask relatives/friends to help? Squirrel away the child benefit?

If by aggressive you mean he's aggressive or violent towards you or in the home, then you need to contact Women's Aid (and the police), who will help you with an exit plan.

Original poster

offmyrocker · 29/05/2011 13:10

Thanks for all your words of support.
I know I did wrong, and I know I have to get a grip, although I wasn't expecting so much aggression. Why not kick a person when they're down already. I wonder if all of you have led spotless lives and never put a foot wrong. I wish I hadn't posted after all.

OP posts:

Mabelface · 29/05/2011 13:11

Probably not, Annie, but I'll wave back anyway.

aliceliddell · 29/05/2011 13:13

Some people are being a bit hard on you I think. But you must take it seriously and take action. Contact AlAnon (this is the nth time I've advised this on MN), learn to drive, don't let him endanger you and dc again. Good luck!

Mabelface · 29/05/2011 13:13

Offmyrocker, you've heard what you don't want to hear and you're naturally defensive. You have, however, been given some very good advice. You should take it. Of course none of us have led entirely spotless lives and we've all made mistakes. Ultimately, it's up to you whether you want our help or not, and there is a wealth of good help and advice here. Don't shoot yourself in the foot by flouncing off. You obviously need help.

tribpot · 29/05/2011 13:13

When I started reading your post I assumed at least you had driven there and back. At a minimum I think you need to promise yourself you will never endanger the lives of yourself, your dd and the general public again by getting in a car with him.

Please look at the Al-anon website and maybe give them a call today. I've just been reading this book which has a good section for family/friends of those with drug and alcohol problems and makes clear that only the addict can start the change process.

At a minimum, get yourself out for a few weeks (visit your parents?) and try and get your head straight.

AnyFucker · 29/05/2011 13:15

If this thread shock you into never colluding again with a drink driver, then it has served it's purpose

there is no excuse in the world for drink driving

your defensiveness is understandable, but very misplaced

AnyFucker · 29/05/2011 13:16

shocks

take your rationalisation to the families who have lost loved ones through the actions of drink drivers and those who support them

BoffyMefferson · 29/05/2011 13:18

OP. I am not going to lecture you over the drunk driving situation in order to kick you when you are down. You know it already. It is not going to help you. You are obviously under alot of stress.

You can't change what has happened in the past, but you can draw a line under it and not allow this to happen again.

I think you do need to protect yourself and your daughter. He isn't going to stop drinking and he isn't ashamed either: it is you who seems to be living with the shame. So: what are you going to do? Where could you go to stay that is safe? You need to have a nice time and a laugh with friends and family. You need to feel safe. Do you feel like this is very uncertain when you go out with your DH? Start thinking about the practical things, because the writing is on the walk emotionally. I hope it all works out for you and your daughter.

Anniegetyourgun · 29/05/2011 13:18

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to be aggressive, just emphatic.

(Madlizzy, if you were my sister, you'd know! It just sounded like a name she would have used. She'd probably have agreed with what you said too.)

Original poster

offmyrocker · 29/05/2011 13:21

I do need help.
Unfortunately I don't live in the UK. I'm not close to my mother and I don't have anyone else to run to. Both me and my husband are deep in debt so how he'll be able to support us and him separately I don't know.

I am not flouncing off. I'm taking all of your words right on the chin. I deserve it. I suppose I was hoping for more constructive advice. That's all.

OP posts:

Mabelface · 29/05/2011 13:21

I do have sisters, but doubt they'd be on here as their kids are either grown up or one sister doesn't have any yet.

OP - I do understand that you are worn down from years of this, but you can, with support, do something about it.

namealreadyinuse · 29/05/2011 13:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mabelface · 29/05/2011 13:22

I do think after the initial shock it is constructive. Where you live, do they have the equivalent of Women's Aid? If so, there is an opening for you.

Mabelface · 29/05/2011 13:22

And good on your for taking the flack.

AnyFucker · 29/05/2011 13:23

are you British by birth ? is he ?

you know you cannot stay in this situation, don't you ?

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread