Am I overreacting

[offmyrocker]

Yesterday (D)H, DD and me went to visit friends about 1hrs drive from us.

My husband has always had an issue with drinking and I consider him an alcoholic, but because he only gets paralytic every few months (although drinks quite a bit everyday) he disagrees with me and tells me I exaggerate things and that he's not got a drink problem. However, the problem is that when he does drink too much he gets quite aggressive (with what he says), and yesterday he managed to make our good friends cry.
They've just had their DS2 2 wks ago and so it's a pretty emotional time for them anyway, and under the circumstances they were very forgiving over H's harsh words (which were about a mutual friend who had been bad-mouthing them to my H), and because he got drunk he clearly thought it a good occasion to tell our dear friends about it, seeing as all signs of sensitivity disappear when H has had a few too many. In fact he calmly continued to eat his dinner as our friends cried at the table. I was so mortified.

The other thing is that I don't drive, and by the end of the meal all I wanted to do was to go home. So H drove us back and I spent the whole drive firstly wondering what the hell I was doing putting my DD in danger with a drunk husband swerving around on the dark streets, and secondly why the fuck do I continue staying with him. And as a final slap in the face after he dropped us off home he went off to the pub to continue drinking.
Of course this morning he was full of apologies, saying that perhaps he had over-indulged slightly, but that I was equally to blame as I still allowed him to drive us home and in his mind that's proof that he couldn't have been that drunk.
I'm so fed-up and after years of this I just want to leave. But our DD is only 9 months and I don't live near any family and I'm completely supported by him. Basically I haven't got the guts to take off. But then I think maybe I am making a mountain out of a molehill. His aggressive behaviour only happens a handful of times a year and the rest of the time he is a really good father and a pretty kind bloke.

So am I overreacting? No one's perfect, and I'm by no means the easiest of people to deal with. So should I just take these moments as a horrible blip that occasionally occur and get on with living what isn't a too bad life with him?
This has taken a lot of courage to write and to be honest I've been in two minds as to whether I should actually send this out. It's the first time I've admitted wanting to leave him to anyone. And even though I'm sure our friends and family know that there's a problem (they've all witnessed his embarrassing bouts of drunkenness) they don't know exactly how confused I am, or how desperate I feel.
I could really do with some objective views. If you've got to the end of this long thread, thank you.

Cunty behaviour to your friends aside for a moment, how regular an occurance is the drink driving with you and the baby in the car? It really is abhorrant behaviour.
How did you react when he made your friends cry?
This man is an arsehole of the highest order. Get away from him before you are tarred with the same brush if you haven't been already (hence why I ask about your reaction to his treatment of your friends)

yes, please stay around

I may be very harsh, but you deserve help and your daughter deserves not to be brought up in such a toxic and dangerous atmosphere

love, what would he have done if you had refused to let him drive you home ? Are you frightened of his reaction ?

putting your baby into a car driven by a drunk is criminally negligent. There is no excuse for this, don't care how little support you feel you have

I am thinking there is more to this

Op, are you physically in fear of him?

Every person is a mixture of good and bad ... & you are better placed (than we are) to know whether ur DH's good points make up for his bad.

Personally I hate drivers who drink. I am a zero tolerance sort of person.

I do drink myself, but I would never drive after even one drink these days ... as if anything happened, I would always wonder if it was the drink which contributed (even if it wasnt) IYSWIM & might blame myself more than if I hadnt had a drink. (Not talking about being drunk ... just the subtle influence alcohol has.)

So I would say it's better to just NOT drink at all if your DH is driving.

Your only choice (when DH had been drinking and you don't drive and you wanted to go home) was to refuse to get in the car with him & to find some alternative transport home. (I know this was probably a tricky situation. And sympathise that you reluctantly let him drive.)

Is it possible you could learn to drive? If you have no disabilites and if you can afford to learn, driving is an essential life skill & knowing how to drive could save you life one day. So make learning a priority? Tell DH that you need to learn to drive now/pass our test/get insured ... to avoid the situation that he has to drive after drinking.

Whether you stay with DH or not, being able to drive would be very useful. So hope you can do that.

If you love DH and you want relationship to work, you could try to help him be a better person? Maybe he can be better with your help?

But if (one day) you see that you can't make him better (good enough) and you can't live with who he is (eg the drinking, bad judgement etc), then try to make you decision to leave him calmly.

No need to rush for the door yet? You have a young child, & no immediate place to go. So wait and see? Hope for the best ... that DH improves? Learn to drive/learn to take care of yourself & ur DD? Start to make some plans for the worst ... in case it comes to that?

But if DH is esssentially a good man, try to rescue him first? It might be possible? And things might turn out just fine? Don't try to tackle all his bad points ... just decide to focus on the ones which are critical to your happiness ... & let him know how you feel about these?

Good luck! Keep posting if it helps.

I don't know what support is available where you live, unfortunately. Is there state help you can access?

Could your friends put you (or your dh) up? Until you found your feet? The ones he made cry must realise what you're living with and may be willing to help?

If he's an alcoholic, trying to 'make him a better person' will not work, with respect, riceburner. He alone has to confront & deal with his issues.

In fact, trying to make your partner a better person is a hiding to nothing in any case, whatever the issues. People can only change if the desire comes from within, not from a partner, however loving.

try to make him a "better person" ?

"with your help" ?

no, no, no, no and no again

this man won't change until he reaches rock bottom (which the way he is going could very well be the manslaughter of a child)

Op should not stick around and enable this, in the vague hope he will "change"

no, he won't, because he doesn't see he has a problem, so why would he

at the moment he thinks OP has a problem

she has, though

him

Kick a person when they are down?
My mother was killed by a drunk driver when I was five years old, I would have been killed too if it had happened 15 minutes earlier.
Forgive me if I have no sympathy for people who put themselves, and worse still, their children, deliberately in harms way.
Getting in that car makes you as bad as he is.

I am sorry Malificence. I feel like the worst piece of shit I assure you. And I won't forgive myself for what I allowed to happen, please believe me.

This is the first time we drove in the circumstances we did. This is no excuse, but the mentality towards drink driving in the country I live in is as it was thirty or forty years ago in England. My H is from the same country and unfortunately along with many of his co-nationals has the same lax attitude towards the rules they have on driving. I KNOW this is no excuse. I'm just giving a bit of background to how things are here in this country.

Last night was the last straw. That is why I wrote. His drinking has been progressively getting worse over the last ten years, but he had managed to curb it (sort of) since DD was born. Last night something in him snapped, I don't know what, and he doesn't have a clue either, but he just couldn't stop drinking and things got out of hand. Our friends are very important to us and they are the last people we would ever want to hurt. I think I explained how mortified I was when they broke down and I cried too. It was a horrible horrible end to the evening, and I would do anything to have changed back the clocks.

I have stuck by H because I do love him, and the really bad times like last night are rare, though his drinking isn't and there are times he is a nasty piece of shit to me - but he has never ever hurt me physically, only with words. But that doesn't mean I lie down and take it. I have left on many occasions, but always come back. We've been together on and off for 20yrs.

Our friends did offer to put us up. But they've got a tiny newborn, they were both completely knackered and I didn't want to make them suffer my H any more than they already had. I could have called a taxi. And I should have. That was stupid of me.

Things are much clearer thanks to some (sometimes brutally) honest advice.
I've contacted my sister and even though she doesn't have the space to put me and my DD up she has told me to swallow my pride and I'm going to stay with my mum (whether she likes it or not).
I've known for a long time that I was going to have to make some kind of break. And now I know that's my only option.

Good for you for making the decision. This may be the spur that your DH needs. Sometimes, they have to realise that they're losing everything before they can start to come back. It's not going to be a quick fix though, and you need to let him know that he has to stop drinking for good, and be dry a very long while before you can live together again.

Well done, and the very best of luck to you.

Offmyrocker - you come on here for help and all you get is a bunch of assholes trying to make you feel even worse than you do. There are people on this board who are, quite literally, obsessed with drink driving and treat people involved in it like they have actually murdered somebody.
AmyFucker is one of them - honestly, that woman is as mad as a fish.
Madlizzy's comments also highly unhelpful. Notice how she tried to soften you up with some foul language at the start in the hope that you will take her advice when she calmed down later. Ignore her - another Mumsnet nutcase.
I am sure some of the more enlightened members of this board will be along soon to offer you some more rational and useful support. And gl.

Well done on the decision to make a break.

Remember, it's not you that hurt your friends 'though nor was it your responsibilty - it was all him. He didn't just snap, he chose to drink, knowing he's a nasty drunk, knowing he has a problem. Don't let him off the hook by taking on responsibility for his actions yourself.

I find it very very difficult to understand why you would let your child be driven by someone who was drunk. He could have killed your son, you or an innocent person.

Seriously thinking needs to be done and he needs to apologise to your friends in person with a massive bouquet of flowers and a meal out when they are ready (not with him or you.)

Sorry, your daughter not your son.

bbird - do run along now, there's a dear. You're being most unhelpful yourself. Go and pour yourself a large drink.

Funnilly enough Madlizzy, that's exactly what I intend to do as soon as I've driven down to the local.

the OP, I think, realises getting into the car was wrong, and I don't think the flaming is helping.

As already said, contact AlAnon, and could you give him some kind of ultimatum, maybe get help and if things don't improve in the next 6 months I'm off? If he is serious about wanting to make things better then maybe you don't need to leave. He does need to realise how important this is though.

And learn to drive. As well as avoiding a drink-driving accident, you will feel much more independent, which is bound to have a big effect on where you see yourself wrt this marriage.

I thought so. I expect you'll be driving back too. Well, if you drive back after you've had a few, try and avoid other road and pavement users, won't you? I mean, they'd spoil the look of your car if you hit them.

actually I agree with bbird. The OP is asking for advice, not a load of abuse.

She seems very dominated by her OH and I'm not surprised she has felt pressured into taking risks which she wouldn't otherwise, just from what I've read in the OP.

It depends on the time Madlizzy, if it's still daylight I will take the car - the daylight rule - but if night time will walk it (only 1/2 mile to be fair).

stop winding each other up, the poor OP is in need of advice, not bickering children...

Onion, I don't need a telling off, thank you. bbird is renowned on the site for defending drink driving. She has taken some advice, and there was some in there if you care to read back and has come to a decision, for which I have wished her luck.

lol - yes you are right FlyingOnion - sorry

bbird - AF is not mad . She is mentally very sound and together.