DH with suspected Aspergers

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DH and I have been having some problems. It really all comes down to communication. So we decided to go to relate. We love each other very much ad want our marriage to work.
After 3 sessions our counsellor mentioned Aspergers with regard to DH. She clearly said she is not qualified to diagnose but some of DH characteristics suggest he has "low end, high functioning aspergers".
Must admit, when she described exactly what Aspergers is DH & I cried in relief - it sounds accurate, neither of us is going mad, nor acting maliciously/unthinking which is how it felt.
So my question is, do you or your partner have aspergers? How do you cope? How do you make your relationship work?
Any advice greatly recieved.
Thanks

I am in a cul de sac with DH. I am baffled, is he an 'angry and controlling man'; self centred, spoilt character who wants everyone to do things his way, or am I dealing with someone with Asp or HFA? Or am I demanding and critical?
We have reached a dead end in communication.

For years, anytime I have tried to discuss anything with him he starts to boil - he is like a caged animal - pacing up and down, really tense, angry, and his response is always the same - "Yeah you're right, I am the c**t, I'm always wrong, you're right again etc etc etc"
There is now NO talking to him as I get this Every time. I have become so inclined to avoid this that I feel like a mute.

I would love to bring up this subject with him as some of you have managed to do, but fear he would, again, feel under threat, challenged, criticsed. It has reached such a point that I have suffered stress, and have now been referred for counselling. (There are other things going on, of course, but I am at a stage where I think it must be me..? What am I doing wrong? Have I been too soft and 'spoiled' him?)

I am forever telling him his tone of voice is abrupt, it upsets and angers our kids, but he seems oblivious to what he is actually saying, and how it sounds.
I feel I've had to guide him in how to talk to our kids - he kept being 'goofy' and patronising, then come down hard on them if things started to get beyond his perception of control.
This might sound odd, but in the garden he cuts everything back severely, he hates anything to go beyond ...? what I don't know. When I once dared to use a coat hook that wasn't allocated to me (!) he cracked up, when I asked what the problem with it was he said it was 'the thin end of the wedge'!

He can't handle family life being too messy, he doesn't seem to get any joy out of the organic way families grow and develop. He demands respect but doesn't seem to know how to earn it, I've had to point it out to him.
He is anal about how dishes are done, citing he's worried about hygene, but the rest of the house could be absolutely minging and he wouldn't notice.

This is a horrible list, but if I were to write down all his good points, it would seem you couldn't fault him. He ticks all the boxes of a hard working, loving husband and father and family man, except in emotional communication.
There's so much more, but this is long enough.....!
Please help??
Any comments, or advice?
Thank you

Doesn't sound too great, sub :(

For me, the critical point in Vaknin's video was where her said Aspies can't interact normally, while Narcs choose not to. XH was perfectly capable of getting along jovially in a group, being affectionate and understanding jokes. I recall my shock, on one occasion, when I walked into a room where he was sitting on the sofa with his arm round his sister, just like a normal bloke. He'd never been that relaxed with me! Another big shock was when we went to a comedy club. He really got the jokes whereas, with me, he was too verbally obtuse (apparently) to find comedy amusing.

I have to say the question isn't "What's up?" but "Can I be happy living with this?" Diagnose all you like, the problem isn't going anywhere.

That was a lovely post, HappyHubbie - brought tears to my eyes.

It would help me if you'd stay around. As you say, I can see traits through the generations, including of course traits in my own precious dc, who are uber perfect. Even the dog has some AS traits.

Submarinegirl, there's lots in your post I can identify with. Actually it is quite interesting to do two lists, because the positive list - if your situation is indeed like mine - is also quite long, and includes really critical essentials like integrity, honesty, loyalty, hard work, tries really hard, highly valued at work, etc.

"in the garden he cuts everything back severely" - YY, mine too. We could always hire them out to new allotment owners.

Oh bloody hell. I can't believe what ihave just read. Lorretta, your first link is absolutely spot on for dh. I have marked him as abusive, npd. But could it be this, I'm ashamed to say I really don't know much about it
Submarine girl, your post is soo familiar, it's scary.

Much, much better AS than NPD, Elemis. It's all a bit of a shock to the system, though, isn't it? Have a

And happily he can't be both.

I posted my 'rant' quickly so I wouldn't change my mind, I am new to leaving threads but already feel bolstered and encouraged KNOWING OTHERS RECOGNISE AND VALIDATE what my experiences are.
I have struggled for so long - I know we love each other deeply but I couldn't figure out why I feel distant from him - that I wondered if I thought of him with asps it would be a solution for me, something easier to deal with....this may indeed be a thin end of a wedge....I don't know what to do next. I'll read as many of the previous threads to see if it helps cement what is at the moment a notion, a suspicion.
Cussandroid - like you, I am emotionally drained. I am now wondering if my mum has HPA or asps. Lots of issues there too! :(
Thank you to responses.
Would anyone else mind sharing some key behavioural points of their DHs (esp if you know there is asps involved)?
I just don't know at all now how to judge what is normal, I'm so used to what I know.
eg, Elemis, what do our partners have in common?
My dh seems so normal in every other way, he just seems to ?? I don't know, have something missing re emotional wiring?
He's a lovely, popular, successful guy.....but hard, hard work
At the moment mumsnet is my only outlet to share, and learn, thank you.

I'll post some of my dh's behavioural things if you like, submarinegirl. Tis a long list, so I'll do it in bits.

The worst, I think, for me is a total inability to engage with any health problems I may be having - unless it's an emergency, when he's fantastic. Food poisoning agony - he is exemplary. High blood pressure, need to diet and exercise regularly, eat less salt - absolutely fecking hopeless. Does he notice if I lose weight? Does he ask how the diet's going? Does he hell. Does he cooperate with scheduling in time at the gym? Does he consider my health needs when planning holidays, trips, meals out? Of course not.

Similarly, I have to be the one who notices and acts on any health issues the dc may have. I find that a scary responsibility to hold all on my own. And he will buy them unhealthy food etc without a second thought.

Actually I'll give you an example re the dc.

Ds had quite a serious accident at a leisure centre, and I had one of the other dc with me - she was still a toddler. I rang dh in a right old state. He said: "I'll come when I've had my dinner, I've just put it on the table."

That's awful, but confusing for me.... My dh hasn't done that....but once we were out with the dcs and our oldest, maybe 7/ 8 at the time, went to use a sweet dispenser for the first time on his own. There were 2 of them together, ds memorised the number he wanted, came and asked for money - was warned by dh not to make a mistake - (! - no encouragement or confidence bolstering) but ended up using the different machine with his carefully memorised number, and therefore not getting the chocolate he wanted. DH went balistic, told ds he'd wasted the money, that he was to eat the one he got, that he knew he'd get it wrong...I tried to give him eye contact to get him to stop (big mistake.....I am BANNED from critising/contradicting/challenging in front of the kids) and he went balistic at me. It was heart breaking and utterly humiliating - we were in a public place. I, tragically, cannot cope with anger/confrontation and am like a blinded rabbit.* With every ounce of my strength I asked him about it when we got home and he just said it was frustration.., and that it'd be good if I looked out for signs that he was about to blow.......!!?
I had a sad, confused wee boy asking me that night (not for the first time) why his dad does this.
*(but I have often been bawled out and humiliated by him in front of them)
** am I a vague, nervous, weak person that just drives him crazy? (I'm only like that with him, and my mum to an extent.) I have sought counselling to address this...

But is this asps??????

Or a total bastard????

God I am so sad remembering that day... :(

I'm very lucky in that my dh never blows up. Almost never shouts. The worst he does is storm off with a face like thunder.

You have to be careful not to blame yourself.

The unpredictabilty is the worst - he can't understand when I'm wary when I think another tempest is on its way. I'm on eggshells and feel like my ears spin like radars when he's with the kids.
He doesn't always blow up, in fact I've managed to speak him and he's improved A LOT, but I have the memories seared in. And it's only since having kids he seems to lose / scared of losing control. He was ok before, apart from times when he felt I was critising him..
(will someone please tell me how to spell critisize/critise?!!)
BTW what was he like when he did catch up with your injured dc? (after his dinner incident)
re food I find my dh gets annoyed when the kids are being fussy but when left to feed them always gives them the easiest option (ie pasta with no veg, or chips, pizza etc) OR he gives them something they've never experienced so inevitably there's conflict. He's so awkward sometimes...!
I'm hoping when my counselling starts I'll get better at standing up for myself....bound to help all round
Thanks for engaging :)

He was fine when he switched into "OK this is an emergency" mode. It was just that he was programmed to sit down and eat his meal. I probably shouted something like "Get the feck over here now", and he came at once. I daresay his meal was cold when he got home.

There is a big advantage in him being calm and businesslike in a crisis.

criticize

Submarinegirl, wow, he sounds unpleasant. Could you perhaps tie him up, muzzle him, and talk to the guy? It sounds like he is ready to explode a lot of the time. Cussandroid, yours sounds reasonable in comparison, and approachable.

I'm so happy that the thread is up and running again!..Helloo, helloo, helooo all you new posters; blows kisses... (posters run scared from crazy lonely woman)
So much to read, digest and comment on. but so little time! I will be back, believe me but now I have to put DS to bed, eat, lie down, do more emails, etc. Keep the posts coming though! In a rush but I can think of one behaviour my AS DJ exhibits which used to puzzle me and you might be able to look out for it in your DH, Submarine. When DS was really little and he toddled around, if he ever took a fall, or stumbled or fell and looked like he was gonna bang his head on a coffee table etc, (obviously about twenty times a day with a toddler) I was always spooked by the fact that my DH had NO reaction, no sharp intake of breath, no widening of the eyes, no instinctive rising from his chair to run to his assistance.. just a blank expression and a calm sitting there....I couldn't understand it; it was like he had no human reactions! I'm not sure if this is AS but it is definitely my DH. He did get up and help my DS, but it was so robotic; it was like it didn't "touch" him. He also had no idea how to comfort him, would do strange stuff like tickle him madly if he'd hurt himself because he wanted to "Cheer him up" Obviously it is just plain annoying to be tickled when you've just cracked your head on a coffee table but DH didn't know that. DS of course just screamed.
I have read that a brain scan of those with AS will show they do not have the "mirror neurones" in their brains that NT's do. The mirror neurones mean that we experience some of another persons pain when we see them in pain, for example if we see someone really upset and crying the mirror neurones in our brain make us feel upset. This does not happen for DH so he is of course less able to empathise or figure out how to comfort another.
Blimey, so much to say where to start; I'll give you info in dribs and drabs as Android said.
How about thinking if he can see another person's point of view? Because my DH sure can't. He also bellows at us for strange reasons. He's rude and blunt, but insists he's not rude..
Oh and get him to do the online tests. Google Empathy Quotient and Systemising Quotient and Friendship Quotient and AS tests by Baron Cohen.

I'll post some more when I can think straight. ATM I'm just trying to figure it out. I left my husband this morning. I asked him to leave and he wouldn't.
I dont know what he is, I just know I don't want to be with him.
There are so many similarities on this thread, that I can't just ignore the possibility that it's aspergers, but I had just got my head around the fact that he was simply abusive and I had to leave.
I will post some behaviour issues soon hopefully to help.

I am still very confused....I think I want to believe he has asps/hfa, because if he doesn't.............who/what is he??, and what am I doing???
Elemis, that's so scary, (for me) but brave, what you've done. I know your head will be spinning but you'll know if you've done the right thing. Please keep in touch with the thread....and good luck in moving on.
Mrs asp, am I right, your dh is diagnosed? please, too, post some of the characteristics so I can compare...
I don't know where to start to suggest my dh do tests etc, I just don't know how he'd take the suggestion....
he was quite defensive when I said I'd approached my doc re counselling - he thinks every problem in my life is somehow caused by him, but when he realised it wasn't, he was incredibly supportive, shed tears because he was so upset at experiences that had knocked me off balance....he is full of love for us, a genuinely trustworthy, loyal person...but ?insecure? confused? frustrated?
as I said, I am really confused.

Hi Submarine. Well we've been told by a counsellor who specialises in NT/AS marriages that he has it, she also does private diagnoses, so she's experienced in spotting the signs. We've had confirmation that much of his traits are AS by the NHS too, but are waiting to see a specialist clinic that deals with high functioning adults which he is.
My husband always says this too: "Yeah you're right, I am the c**t, I'm always wrong, you're right again etc etc etc" There is NO reasoning with him.
Also illogical things like obsessing over clean dishes while ignoring mess.
MY DH was more open to the suggestion that he has AS than I ever would have thought. I was terrified of telling him! But I told him during a counselling session which gave me strength as someone else was there if it all kicked off! He went home and did the tests and sat there stunned.
I'll post again later. Am busy with kids...
BTW EVERY woman in the support group I go to for AS wives/partners, including me, has been referred for NHS counselling for anxiety / depression. Funny that!

Glad it helped Cussandroid, I was wary of posting and intruding but I'm happy to hang around.

Actual Aspergers is a very complex set of parameters and many people will exhibit some of these tendencies without being diagnos-able. Aspergers is not black & white, it's shades of grey. I can understand a lot of people wondering if their DH has Aspergers and wanting to hang that label on it to help rationalise and deal with behaviour however from many of the descriptions here I'm afraid to say it sounds like a lot of them are just not particularly nice people or good at being husbands. It's possible to be an arsehole with or without Aspergers in the mix!

While there is naturally a huge stigma over leaving someone with mental issues, at the end of the day you have to protect yourself and your family. Regardless of Asp or not, if it has got that bad (as it must have done in Elemis's case to want to leave) then the situation needs to change. If someone is diagnosed with Aspergers then I guess it can help rationalise the fact that he isn't like that because he hates you or whatever, it's just because he's like that - beyond that, the reasons probably don't matter. The big question then is does the good stuff outweigh the bad - no different to evaluating any other relationship.

Personally, I've backed off from broaching the subject with dh for now. Let's say it doesn't exactly become a productive conversation when I tentatively start a general chat about AS. He looks like a rabbit in the headlights and I back right off.

The idea of AS has helped me in that I did always think dh's behaviour towards me was because he either hated me, was incredibly angry with me about something, or thought I was shit. I now think none of those apply; I think he does love me, and indeed respect me, but has all (or many of) the communication difficulties common to people with AS and so never shows it.

HappyHubbie, I don't suppose you can shed any light on why my dh responds so unhelpfully to my health issues, eg high blood pressure? All the books about AS just say I have to find someone else to talk to about them. When I'm angry about it, I start shouting at him: "I might have a stroke and die, or be left in a wheelchair" etc; but it makes no difference. I suppose I would have to instruct him to ask me once a week: "how's the diet?" "have you lost weight?" etc.

I really don't know. Like your husband I tend to ignore anything than isn't an emergency, and like him I'm good in a crisis (I hope). I also would never ask my wife how her diet is going - that's dangerous territory, inviting a response like "I've lost 7lbs this week, haven't you noticed?" or "Why, do you think I look fat?" A better test might be if you proudly announce that you've lost 3lbs this week - if he's like me he'll congratulate you and tell you how great you look, that's a safer way of being supportive. I tend to respond to problems with action rather than sympathy - if my wife complains about her job, I suggest getting a new one. It's not sarcasm, it's a genuine attempt to help. Not a very good one when all she wants is someone to talk to.

I don't see anything wrong with any of this, but then - as an Aspergers sufferer - I wouldn't, would I? I'm learning a lot here too, it's fascinating to see how we are perceived by 'normal' people :)

Here's a random thought which occurred to me. Sometimes I deliberately ignore my wife when she speaks to me. Not just if she's yelling or complaining about something, simple things like asking me if I want a cup of tea. It's horrible, I'm aware of doing it, but I can't help it. It's like she's intruded in my little bubble, and if I ignore her she'll go away. I'm lucky my wife is an angel, I wouldn't want to live with me!

Coming back to your question Cussandroid ... don't expect him to notice, he obviously can't. Tell him you've lost a bit of weight, share the good news, and let him express his support then. Asp people aren't good at communicating, so you need to take the lead. It's not that he doesn't care, or love you, or respect you, although I can see why you would feel that way. I'm getting a whole new understanding of how my wife must feel about me here

I've just written what turned into a bit of an essay, to try and explain my experiences of living with Asp all my life. Rather than hijack this thread I've posted it as a separate thread. Hope it helps someone.

Hi HappyHubbie
where did you post your 'essay'?
thanks

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1264558-Living-with-Aspergers-the-husbands-viewpoint

I have a partner who shares many of these characteristics. We are basically happy together but I would love some advice if anyone can offer it. The problem I find insurmountable is his way of dealing with money and his inability to discuss it - mentioned in one of the links above. I feel that we are continually teetering on the brink of financial disaster but he is very resistant to the idea of budgeting or resisting spending when he has enough money coming in. Then suddenly his work dries up for a while and we literally run out of money immediately. Any attempts to discuss it are met with anger or defensiveness.
Has anyone dealt with this or similar situations successfully?