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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH with suspected Aspergers

76 replies

nnnnnamechange · 29/05/2011 11:27

DH and I have been having some problems. It really all comes down to communication. So we decided to go to relate. We love each other very much ad want our marriage to work.
After 3 sessions our counsellor mentioned Aspergers with regard to DH. She clearly said she is not qualified to diagnose but some of DH characteristics suggest he has "low end, high functioning aspergers".
Must admit, when she described exactly what Aspergers is DH & I cried in relief - it sounds accurate, neither of us is going mad, nor acting maliciously/unthinking which is how it felt.
So my question is, do you or your partner have aspergers? How do you cope? How do you make your relationship work?
Any advice greatly recieved.
Thanks

OP posts:

Mrsasp · 18/07/2011 20:16

Welcome aboard Android Connecting with others in the same boat is the only thing that keeps me mildly sane...xxx

garlicbutter · 18/07/2011 20:43

I'm sorry you're having cancer treatment, Amber. I hope it's working well, not making you feel too gruesome for too long, and am glad DH is taking good care of you :)

You were a tremendous help to me on Mrs Asp's thread, when I was trying to work out whether XH had Asperger's or was plain old abusive. I concluded - both. You were one of the few, out of posters to many forums, who stressed that Aspies can be arseholes just like NTs!

It should be said more often, imo, that many typical Aspie behaviours are the same as abusive ones. The intensity, the motive, and the potential for reparation would be the only differentiators in terms of the partner's experience. Some Aspies who behave like this can't help it, but neither can NT abusers albeit for different reasons. If a distressed partner posts here for support, we ought to support her not dismiss her concerns (nor come up with a PC version of "stop whining".)

I understand that threads like this can look like a slur on all AS people. They're not, any more than other threads are a slur on all men. Everyone here is just trying to understand their relationships and work out what to do for the best. I'll always appreciate what you did for me, and hope you'll continue to support others just as compassionately. Take care. x

garlicbutter · 18/07/2011 20:49

OP, I don't know whether you'd be interested in this? It's Sam Vaknin's video on "Asperger's Syndrome Misdiagnosed as Narcissism". Ignore me if you like!

www.youtube.com/user/samvaknin#p/search/0/TLJEsT9mY2Y

Cussandroid · 19/07/2011 10:55

Interesting link, garlicbutter. I really don't like the linking of AS with NPD - IME, they are to some extent chalk and cheese. The malevolence of the narcissist is, I would argue, completely lacking in AS, and certainly, AFAIK, the manipulative behaviour is entirely lacking in someone with AS. There is a huge amount of deliberate, calculated deception involved in narcissism; hardly any, if any at all, in AS. If married to a narcissist, there is no doubt at all that you should run a mile, right now. Not so if you are married/in a partnership with an Aspie.

I think the fact that both motive, and capacity for changing behaviour, are so utterly different in the two types of people is fundamentally important.

garlicbutter · 19/07/2011 11:03

I agree with every word you've just written, Cussandroid. The partner's experience might be just as damaging either way, though, depending on your Aspie. If the most important adult in your life is constantly criticising you, ignoring you and putting their own feelings first at the expense of yours - does it matter whether they're doing it on purpose or not?

Most people (not all) require empathy in their partner. Without it, most people suffer real distress. I think it's grossly unfair to suggest they should put up with it because "he can't help it".

Cussandroid · 19/07/2011 11:08

Think the point is, though, GB, that he can change. If he's not willing to change, then that's a different matter.

I feel rather strongly about this issue, because my BIL is a narcissist, and is, IME, very malevolent. My dh is not very comforting to be around a lot of the time, but he would never, ever deliberately harm someone.

Quite interesting that my sis married BIL, and I married dh...

garlicbutter · 19/07/2011 11:08

Actually, I disagree with this: manipulative behaviour is entirely lacking in someone with AS. Again, it depends on your Aspie and there are as many different kinds of Aspie as there are NTs. My ex studied me. He did this for two reasons: overtly - because he was clumsy with relationships, and wanted to 'know' me; covertly - so as to identify my triggers.

I didn't find out the extent of his 'studies' until we broke up. It was chilling.

Cussandroid · 19/07/2011 11:10

Also, I'm currently too emotionally knackered to do any mile-running.

Cussandroid · 19/07/2011 11:11

But, GB, are you sure your ex was an Aspie? It really sounds more like narcissism.

garlicbutter · 19/07/2011 11:11

Which is your dad, Cuss? N or AS?

Cussandroid · 19/07/2011 11:13

My understanding is - and it's still quite limited - is that an Aspie would lack the subtle social ability which is required to manipulate someone who is NT.

garlicbutter · 19/07/2011 11:14

He's a nasty piece of work, I only care about the "diagnosis" for my own post-traumatic reasons! His language difficulties were very Aspie, and he's got the AS walk. When I learned about the posture thing, I sat watching a little cartoon animation of it over and over again, going "OMG, OMG!" It was exact

Cussandroid · 19/07/2011 11:15

Yeah, I know, GB, I can't work that out. Bang on the nail, though. He may have had Avoidant Personality Disorder. He was certainly no narcissist. I'm too new to ASD to know if he had that.

Cussandroid · 19/07/2011 11:16

But Vaknin says that narcs have the gait issue, too - which I was never aware of before.

Cussandroid · 19/07/2011 11:17

Know anything about avoidants?

garlicbutter · 19/07/2011 11:17

I'm a bit Aspie. I can learn about a subject ever so quickly, because I hyper-focus and will sometimes sit absorbing information for 48 hours at a stretch. (A bit like the girl in Fifth Element, only much less intelligent and nowhere near as pretty ...)

Apply that ability to the subject of "What Makes My Partner Tick And How To Leverage It" and you've got yourself a highly efficient abuser.

garlicbutter · 19/07/2011 11:20

I think Vaknin was talking about a rigidity of posture. The Aspie walk is a slightly forward-leaning effect, with bouncing on the toes. Raking through memory, I think it was associated with muscle tone in the upper body & shoulders? It's not a fitness thing. You'll have to google "Asperger walk" or something to see it

Cussandroid · 19/07/2011 11:21

Yes, but it's like reading a medical dictionary, isn't it - you convince yourself you've got everything, including gout, syphilis, japanese encephalitis...

I'm clever, so...

(not sure I'm that clever, however )

garlicbutter · 19/07/2011 11:22

I'm avoiding your question at 11:17

Cussandroid · 19/07/2011 11:34

Just googled. "Those who have Avoidant Personality Disorder and severe Social Anxiety are marked by intelligence and courage." See, another clever lot.

Am I right in thinking narcissists don't usually get anxiety? Because they absolutely know they're right, and omnipotent, so have nothing to fear?

garlicbutter · 19/07/2011 11:39

Not really - they're driven by a horrid underlying fear of not existing. All the arrogance & omnipotence is a mask. It's complicated.

Cussandroid · 19/07/2011 12:07

Oh, poor, poor things. My heart bleeeeeeds.

Is omnipotence an NPD characteristic, though?

garlicbutter · 19/07/2011 12:24

Dunno. Ask god?

garlicbutter · 19/07/2011 12:25

sorry, I really must shut this thing down. nnnnnamechange, huge apologies for hogging your thread and descending into flippancy

HappyHubbie · 19/07/2011 17:09

Hopefully you'll forgive a Dad for trespassing ....

My youngest son has Aspergers, it's taken a couple of years to understand it and come to terms with it, and it's only thanks to a great school and support from the psychologists that we've made progress. I've personally found the process very emotional as I recognise all of the symptoms in myself, only when I was young Aspergers hadn't been defined. It's been a huge weight off my shoulders understanding this about myself. My father has similar symptoms as does my eldest son, and my sister's eldest boy is the same. Great genes

I'm a fairly low level sufferer, but still it's been a struggle for my wife to deal with. Understanding it has helped her too, and we've been together happily for 20 years so it can be done - she is very tolerant and supportive though, and recognises that there are some things which cannot be changed so there's no point in fighting them. I'm very lucky.

To those of you trying to cope with an Aspergers partner it's essential to understand that this is how we are. Most are capable of having perfectly normal relationships and being good husbands & fathers, but it requires nurturing, support and understanding. Yes, that mean that the woman has to be the one to change and adapt and no, that's not fair, but it's how life is. It's not a progressive condition, so he was like that when you met/married him, either you didn't notice or he hid it well. Remember it's only recently been recognised widely.

From my personal experience it is something which can be dealt with, so don't despair. Learn about it, work out what the individual triggers are (we're all different) and then adapt. Even with a label he's still the same guy.

Hope this helps, I'll slope off back to my man-cave now

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