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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Have come to the conclussion that I really do not like my DH anymore...

40 replies

NickRobinsonsloveslave · 28/05/2011 23:13

sometimes I just want to tell him how much I despise him. But would this solve anything or should I just call it a day?

OP posts:
katielouxxx · 28/05/2011 23:20

Have you just fallen out of love with him or is there more to it?
Do you have DCs?

Original poster
NickRobinsonsloveslave · 28/05/2011 23:33

Yes we have 3DCs.
I just feel that he sees me as his cook, cleaner, childminder, sex buddy, etc, just because he is the breadwinner.
I don't like the way he talks to DCs, or me. We just seem to make sarky comments to each other when we do speak, which is rare as I hold back due to a lot of resentment.
I really don't feel close to him anymore. He belittles everything I do whereas all he does is so important.
It's like we all have to be here to make him happy if that makes any sense.
There are far too many issues to go into detail. But one example is that we had a disagreement this evening over a Sainsburys ad that claimed you could feed a family for £50 per week. I dissagreed and he scoffed, telling me I was obviously not very good at shopping.
It's just things like that that get me thinking why am I even here?

OP posts:
FabbyChic · 28/05/2011 23:42

Why take the abuse? That is what he is being abusive? Why not just ignore the fucker and do nothing for him if he treats you like shit, see then how much he realises what you do.

If you do not like the way you are being treated and made to feel stand up for yourself.

pink4ever · 29/05/2011 08:51

Op-are you and I married to the same man?. I feel exactly the same.Dh works long hours and I am sahm to our 3 dcs. He literally doesnt lift a finger and I seriously fed up with it. He treats me with contempt and like you dh belittles things I do/friends etc.
I would like to take the advice given on here and leave for a few days to see how he would cope but cant afford it and also dont think I could leave the dcs. Feel like I am ready to explodeAngry.

AnyFucker · 29/05/2011 10:45

Ladies, it isn't fair, and it isn't right that you feel trapped into tolerating being spoken to like a piece of shit Angry

HerHissyness · 29/05/2011 11:09

You know the old saying?

"If you don't like how something is done - DO IT YOURSELF?!"

Tell HIM he is responsible for the shopping now, from buying, to getting to un-bloody-packing. Any more smart arse comments like that and he can start frigging cooking for the family too.

Literally, any snidy comment, tell him HE can do it. Stop washing for him, cooking or shopping for him for a week and let him see what's what. Ungrateful shite.

GooGooMuck · 29/05/2011 15:42

Is there anything he could do to make you happy?

It's not fair IMO to say I don't like you and that's it. If he's pissing you off and taking you for granted, then you need to tell him, and get your feelings across to him, if you bite your tongue all the time then he'll not know how upset he is making you.

FattyAcid · 29/05/2011 15:57

Can you get a job and share more of the home duties? This may bring you closer together?

joshandjamie · 29/05/2011 17:00

Is there anything about him you do still like? Could you imagine a life not with him? What was it about him you first liked? Can you raise it with him saying that you're not happy and suggest counselling?

Counselling doesn't mean the end of your relationship. It means you're willing to give your relationship a go. It gives you the chance to explain how you feel in a neutral environment and it gives him the chance too. Is he aware of how you feel?

My DH and I spent the last 7 years not communicating properly. He didn't say sarky things, but it was different. He'd huff around the house as though I hadn't done a good enough job cleaning it. Or he'd say things that led me to believe that I was doing a crappy job parenting while he was the one out earning all the money.

But as it turns out, I needed counselling for low self esteem. Once I'd started working on that, I started seeing some of his behaviour differently, not as an insult to me. We then went for joint counselling (I was lucky as he was willing to go) but it helped us say some of the things we both had wanted to say but hadn't wanted to have a real row over, because that would have meant admitting that we had a problem. And just being able to say what I felt, helped get rid of some of the resentment I'd been feeling for so many years.

We're still going for counselling but things are infinitely better. It might be worth suggesting.

Original poster
NickRobinsonsloveslave · 29/05/2011 22:02

have suggested counsellng but he just laughed it off as another one of my little nsecurties.
We had a big showdown only a couple of weeks ago where I after holding it all in as usual just lost it and blew. He did make an effort next morning by taking DS1 to school....then buggered off to play football, so that lasted!
Today, he has been curled up on sofa n front of tv after getting up early to play footie again. As I attempted to cook dinner with 2 screaming toddlers racing round the kitchen, he came in and led youngest away with a 'come on, mummy can't cope with a bit of cooking and keeping an eye on you too' very sarcastically.
He was so tired from his strenuous day he buggered off to bed at 9pm leavng me to try to persuade a tearful DD and a stroppy DS to go to bed.
The resentment is bulding agaiin....good job I don't suffer from high blood pressure as I'd be dead by now.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 29/05/2011 22:06

I would have shot him dead by now

I really don't understand why you are tolerating this

Original poster
NickRobinsonsloveslave · 29/05/2011 22:14

You don't think that shooting him might be a little dramatic? Although I would like to know how others would solve this.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 29/05/2011 22:21

no, because I would be out of prison in 5 years Smile

whereas another 30-40 years of marriage to this twat would fill me with absolute dread

joking aside, he sounds absolutely fucking horrible, and I believe you do not deserve this

LittleMissH13 · 29/05/2011 22:24

Hi, Firstly ((hugs))....I think you need them!! I can so relate to your situation as I was once there myself. If you're looking for advice - personally I'd arrange for someone to have the children for a couple of hours/overnight so you can sort this out. Both go out as a couple and talk, he needs to realise that you are not just a mother/wife/housewife and general jack of all trades.....but a person, who's values and opinions count just as much as his. You need to lay it on the line about how unhappy this is making you and what needs to change in order for you to move forward as a couple and a family. If he cares enough he'll wake up and listen cos he'll want to make you happy to.

Original poster
NickRobinsonsloveslave · 29/05/2011 22:31

Having been married before, but no DCs, I was in a similar relationship then so maybe I just have a doormat mentality....come on all, walk on me. I mean it must mean somethng if I end up with 2 men the same surely.
Also, if I do confront him and threaten to walk, etc, he might agree with me and I don't know if I can face that atm...failing at another marriage but with DCs this time...what a mess.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 29/05/2011 22:39

if you confront him, he will agree and call it a day ???

all the more reason to bring this charade to a close, surely Confused

don't you dare blame yourself

so you have been stuck with 2 shite men ?

there are lots of shite men out there, who will spot insecurities in a woman a mile off. There are also lots who won't

staying with a shite man is not better than being on your own

don't cut off your nose to spite your face...you will be the loser

LittleMissH13 · 29/05/2011 22:48

It's easily done but not because you're a doormat.....more because you've given your all and not had anything in return. You're treated this way because over time you've allowed him to.....you know like how kids push the boundaries to see how far they can push you until you snap? Well I feel that some guys do the same. I've got 2DS's and on my 10th wedding anniversary my DH left.....2 years on and I'm still battling in court with him as he's continued to try and make my life hell with emotional abuse/stalkingetc......but I'm winning cos I'm now me again, and it's the happiest I've ever been :)
I'm not suggesting you threaten to walk, you need to talk about whats making you feel so unhappy/angry/resentful etc and if need be give senario's and how it could done differently to make everyone happier. Maybe write it down to help you see the facts in black and white. You can't go through life looking over your shoulder at the past, it's gone, just look at the hear and now. Don't forget that YOU matter too, and it takes the effort of 2 people to make a relationship work...not just 1

humptydidit · 29/05/2011 22:52

nickrobinson he sounds like an abusive arsehole to me. I'm sorry if that's now what you want to hear.

Have a little read here and see if it rings any bells...

www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html

If he is abusive, there is not much that you can do to change it... You need to decide what you want to do for the best for you and your dc's.

Original poster
NickRobinsonsloveslave · 29/05/2011 22:56

But what if it is all my fault? I let him treat me lke this, then the resentment builds and builds, I eventually lose it and give him both barrels, he says I will never be happy no matter what he does, etc...it just seems to be a viscious circle.
I just have no idea how to break it. Have tried the night out chat where we seem to come to an agreement then after a while it slides back again.
So how do I make things change for good, not just where we are on our best behaviour for a few days.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 29/05/2011 22:58

does this explain anything ?

humptydidit · 29/05/2011 22:58

sweetheart, it's not your fault. At the very least every situation takes 2...

Read the link and be honest with yourself, how many of those points do you agree with and then take it from there.

www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html

Abusive men always blame the women... They refuse to take responsibility for themselves, that's part of being abusive Sad
The good part is tho, that once you get out of that situation, you will stop feeling like this. It is him and your situation that are causing you to feel like this, it's not you

humptydidit · 29/05/2011 22:59

sorry link didn't work

www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html

AnyFucker · 29/05/2011 23:00

things will only change if he makes a concerted effort to

at the moment, he has no incentive to change

he gives you the pretty words, to make you STFU, then resumes normal play after a little while

you can't do it by yourself, love, and believe me, he has a vested interest in making you feel helpless to effect change

you can change yourself though

purplepidjin · 29/05/2011 23:04

His behaviour is NOT your fault

LittleMissH13 · 29/05/2011 23:06

Ok, you really need to take in what I'm gonna say....."this isn't your fault"!! I've been where you are and it's such a shitty feeling. If the chats/starting afresh routines aren't working then you've 2 options: Speak to him again and stress how things need to change permanently cos you're at breaking point and that in order to accomplish it counselling is a must.....if he still refuses then you either put up and shut up or with the support of good friends/family start planning a happier life without him.

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