Have come to the conclussion that I really do not like my DH anymore...

[NickRobinsonsloveslave]

sometimes I just want to tell him how much I despise him. But would this solve anything or should I just call it a day?

Interesting, and I have looked into CBT before after suffering from PND, but it totally went right over my head TBH.
i can so get the learned helplessness thing though, but how do I break from it?
Counsellng is out as I just cannot afford it so if I do try something it's going to have to be free.
DH has also mentioned in the past that he thinks I am a Martyr, but I'm not sure that applies really.

How old are your children?

To stop being a martyr, you need to spend more time acting on your problems than talking about them.

For example, your friend has a crisis. Do you a) immediately ring someone else to wail about how you're not able to advise her or b) tell her to boil the kettle, you'll be there with biccies in 10 minutes, then proceed to map out her finances to work out how she can afford to leave the abusive partner/whatever...

nick have you spoken to a health visitor/ home school link support worker or somebody similar for some support and to point you in the direction of counselling etc if that's what you think you need, or who can help you to move on from this idiot!

All the counselling, CBT, Electroshock treatment, Antidepressants, tranx and there-there woo therapy in the world will not change the situation where a man feels entitled to treat the mother of his children like shit.

If you go through with any of the above in an attempt to manage the situation, you are short-changing yourself, and your children from having a real man/father in their lives.

He will NEVER, EVER CHANGE, why on earth WOULD he? He'd have to get off his arse and help you, he'd have to take his finger out of his bum and do some parenting, he'd have to take responsibility for his abysmal manners when addressing you, and he'd have to pull his weight.

Don't you DARE think that just because you ended up with 2 failed marriages that it's your fault. Look around on the boards tonight there are dozens of dickheads, con-artists and cocklodgers. They targetted YOU.

They don't target the weak, they target the strong, but vulnerable.

The Freedom Programme is FREE.

Herhissyness* you are so right...

People deserve happiness or at least their best chance at getting it and putting up with arseholes like this one won't make you happy no matter how hard you try

I got a picture on my wall that says "it's better to have loved and lost than to stay with the psycho for the rest of your life"... Nuff said!

I love that saying humpty! that is inspired!

HH I love it, that's why I bought it!!!

Thanks for the info on The Freedom Programme. Have contacted them in my local area to ask if I can join.
Only thing I'm a bit unsure about is that it seems to be aimed more at DV victims, but DH is never violent, so am I doing the right course?
The local course runs every Tuesday afternoon and I have a Parenting course in the mornings...so it's going to be a hectic day re childcare, but I think it may be worth it.
I realise that, as you have all pointed out to me, that he won't change so I have to, don't I?

Also have just been reading in the paper about Relationship Types, and it appears that I am classed as Anxious...can't seem to find DH's classification although he does seem to be showing traits of The Avoider.
Anyway am off to read through legal section to get a handle on where me and DCs stand if all this doesn't work.

nick the childcare shouldn't be an issue, the freedom programme should provide a free creche for your kids.
It's not just for domestic violence... it's for domestic abuse... anyway, some people would argue that being highly abusive is violent whether it's physical or not. Also, he might not be violent so far, but that's not to say he couldn't be in the future or in the past that you don't know about
Anyway, pleased for you that you are moving forwards... If you speak to womens aid then they could help you to talk thru the actual logistics of leaving him and your situation afterwards or otherwise CAB could help.

Domestic violence is not just physical! Of course you are anxious, you are living with someone who constantly puts you down and belittles you.

Don't give this bloke a label for god's sake, he's just LAZY! Ill-mannered, ungrateful, entitled and LAZY.

I agree, don't bother trying to label him or yourself, anyway, you can't label yourself becaues the real you is all squashed and trampled at the moment. When you start the freedom programme he will get plenty of labels then... Right now concentrate on keeping yourself and your kids safe, safe from him and his nastiness.

What I don't understand is how I can recognise this problem with other people but not my own circumstances.
For example, my brother has 2 teenage sons, is divorced but still jumps when ex wife tells him to. He has even booked his hols off work to fit in with HER plans, not his own. When she tells him he has to have the boys he has them, even if it causes him great inconvenience.
Other brother works 10 hour shifts then has to go to shop to buy his dinner and cook for wife and 3 kids when he gets home, everyday. She does not work, kids at school, just watches tv and goes to gym.
I can get so mad on their behalves but when it comes to my situation I don't if that makes sense.
There's obviously some family trait going on here with me and my siblings all being doormats, isn't there?
Do we just give off signals of being pushovers or what?
Apart from the Freedom Programme and Parenting courses, what else can I do to get some self esteem back?

Sweetheart, you need to get away from him. I left my H 6 months ago and I am a completely different person to what I was. That's what they say about being abused, it makes you feel like you're going mad but you're not, it's just a response to the abuse. Take the abuse away and your "madness" goes away too. Abusers aren't like that, they are abusive all the time, it just depends how well they hide it.

A lady from womens aid told me that abusive men seem to prey on women who they feel will try to make things right. It's like if your partner told you a terrible story all about his past with an ex wife who screwed him over for money, won't let him see his kids, left him with nothing etc etc etc... one person might feel sorry for him and try to "help" that poor vulnerable side of him whereas another person might think, Oh dear, that's a shame, let's move on.
There's no right or wrong answers, he is a talented master of disguise... He would not be stupid enough to reveal himself in all his glory to his new "victim".. she would run a mile, he has to charm you first and then you see the other side. nick if you saw your H for what he actually is right back at the start you would have told him to forget it, but because he hid it and sucked you in, you didn't realise until you were in it so deep.

sorry I'm not explaining it very well... Have a look at this

www.facebook.com/topic.php?uid=32552354189&topic=6360

This is a short story written by the author of the freedom programme.. the freedom programme tries to help us understand why we jumped at the frog's offer instead of telling him to piss off like we should have!

Have you got a copy of Lundy Bancroft? It is the bible for an abused woman... here is link to amazon, it won't give you all the answers but will help you to understsand a little bit about what is going on and how it is NOT your fault.
www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1306773580&sr=8-1

You must remember it is NOT your fault. It could happen to anyone, you were just unlucky