Why do my moods have to reflect his?! Where's my will gone?! Separation looming....

[hangonasec]

Hi, hope you can help. My husband and I are on the verge of separating. He is definitely depressed, has been for years but I have lost sympathy as he refuses to seek help. We have three children, it's going to be difficult but both of us are sick of living in such a miserable relationship. What I was really hoping for some advice on is why do my moods revolve around his so much?? I am a person that holds it altogether quite while, I am level headed, run the household, take care of most of my children's needs, work almost full time in a busy job, can be cheerful during the day. However, my whole life seems to be swayed by my husband's moods. When he comes home with that thundery miserable look on his face I immediately feel my mood deflate. The only good spells are marriage seems to have are when he decides he wants to try, I find it easy to respond. Even as recently as a few weeks ago we had the best period we'd had in years because he said he'd had a dream that I'd left him and it had given him a wake-up call. He tried really hard, was very affectionate, I then found it very easy to get along with him and I felt very much in love again. I actually felt for the first time in years that we might actually make it long term.

Now, he's back to being a complete and utter bloody misery, says there is nothing between us and that we should seperate. I am gutted for the kids but at the same time am sick of living my life at the mercy of his mood swings. BUT!!!! I get so cross at myself!! Why do I let my life be ruled by 'his' moods, why can't I just be cheerful and ignore him?! What is wrong with me?! If he's happy I can be happy, if he's not, I'm not. Whatever happened to independent thoughts and feelings?! I really worry about what the atmosphere is doing to our children, tho so far when I ask my older two (8 and 6) if they're happy, they say yes cos they get to do lots of things (hobby mad). So am pleased about that.

Is this a common theme or is it just me? How can I stand on my own two feet in terms of feelings and being upbeat?! Am going to need to cheer up to handle three children, a stressful job and a seperation.

Thanks for any advice, very much appreciated x

Leave.

You cannot control his moods and he obviously has no need to temper his emotions because those around him soak up his grumps when he feels like it.

I had a marriage like yours.

My teens have told me they wish I'd left yrs ago. They love their Dad but living in the environment that was our marriage was horrible.

I tried and tried. I stayed 'because of the children', I offered counselling, was patient, was kind, understanding, hard, hardline, intolernat etc etc

In the end when suicide seemed a good way out because I was so depressed and hopeless, I made moves to leave. Every time he'd rally and be nice and I'd forgive and stay........ back into the spiral again.

You need someone who respects, cherishes and loves you all the time not just when you threaten to leave.

It's been difficult divorcing but the weight that lifted off my shoulders when he left and I completed the petition was huge. I started sleeping properly and had a real smile on my face not a cautious 'is it safe to' smile

Living with a depressive can be miserable, personal experience speaking here. But in my case ex was getting medication and counselling which helped hugely.

The advice I would offer is don't be sympathetic be insistent that your husband gets expert assistance immediately

Meant to say the only good spells my marriage seems to have... Also, I did have a great chat with GP about whether or not I was depressed (brilliant guy, since left the surgery), but he felt not because when my life is good I am happy. He felt that my negative moods were just a direct result of my situation but that when things were good I was capable of being happy. Depression by proxy maybe?! x

It also depends if your husband is depressed.

I was convinced mine was because I couldn't explain his behaviour otherwise. In actual fact he wasn't depressed ... he was just expecting to express his anger at the world through me.

There is a difference. Depression is normally time limited.

If he has a long term depression then perhaps you need to consider if living with him is what you want and what is good for the children.

My husband is no longer 'depressed' Divorce has been theraputic for him in that sense. (aka a new g/f wouldn't tolerate that behaviour so he's lovely most of he time)

OP. I totally know where you're coming from. You might want to take a peek at my thread 'non communicative partner..'

I'm afraid I don't know what the answer is...although if he's saying you should separate, and you know you (& long term probably the kids aswell) would be happier apart, I'd be tempted to accept his kind offer! However, I know it's not as easy as that.

On a practical level, things I've found that help me not 'absorb' DP's mood so much:

Fitness/sports/swimming etc. Gets you out of the house, gets you fit and increases serotonin levels at the same time.

Spending as much time as possible with other people also helps me immensely.

Even when you are aware that the family dynamic is affected by the behaviour of one person, it is still incredibly hard (if not impossible) to stop that impact. I have a foster daughter who can sometimes bring incredible negativity into the house when she is here. Even though I can make sure I am not sucked into it myself, it has an affect on my DC, who then bicker (when they don't normally). After a while, this tries even my patience, and before long we're all sucked into this cycle of negativity even though it all started with one person. I can keep a lid on it, but it's hard. She's back with her mum now and only comes round once or twice a week. If she were living her full time, I'm not sure how well I could handle it at all.

My point OP is that even if you could stop your moods from being affected, it's doubtful you could prevent your DC from picking up on the atmosphere, and their reaction will in turn affect your behaviour. If you can stop yourself from responding to everyone's moods, you wouldn't really be living. That's why it's important to minimise our exposure to people who drag us down. We can't be on guard and invincible all the time. It's just not possible.

Also, if your H is behaving like a moody, self-indulgent idiot, why on earth would you be cheerful? If someone you cared about died no one would expect you not to be affected by it and to be cheerful.

I have enormous sympathy for your DH. Depression is a much misunderstood illness, which can be catastrophic for the sufferer and those around him. However, despite his depression, he is not absolved of responsibility for his behaviour. One of my closest friend has a really horrific form of bipolar with an emphasis on the depressive episodes. She's been hospitalised loads of times (though she's been stable for 6 years now I'm delighted to say). Despite this, she doesn't expect allowances for her behaviour and her choices. Even at her worst, she has never been deliberately hurtful to another and she accepts that it is up to her to ask for help, not for others to make things ok. Think about it in the same way as you would an alcoholic. Until they accept they have a problem, there's nothing you can do other than remove yourself from the effect of harm.

Hope you manage to come up with a solution.

Why should you ignore him, to the extent that you're unaffected by his moods? That's not how people work, is it? You seem to be asking if you're in the wrong for being aware of, and sensitive to, your own husband's moods. I think there'd be something wrong with you if you weren't!

Thank you so much for your honest replies and for sharing your experiences. I am so grateful. I do think he is depressed, long term, but on reflection I would say more bipolar. His mood swings are quite stark. I just feel so dragged down by it all, I think I am too responsive to his moods! The reason that bothers me is because I know I then get irritable and fed up with it all, and I know I am taking it out on my children. Not fair on them.

My middle child has a lot of behaviour and self-esteem issues, which manifest themselves in lots of ways but partly in his toileting habits. Because of this, he was referred to Child Mental Health Services. At the moment they are only working with me and my husband, the very astute assessment doc said he thinks he needs to change us first! He said we seem to be a very negative couple - no surprise really but sad to hear it all the same. For a while his advice was helping but dh has fully reverted back to his most bad version of himself.

My MIL popped in today and I told her we were going to seperate. She didn't believe us. My dh puts on a such a good show for people that I'm going to have trouble convincing people that our marriage has been in trouble for as long as it has. She has had a talk with him about going to the docs for his depression. He said he'll go, she said to me 'there you go, he'll get sorted, you'll be fine!'. I wish I hadn't protected our family all this time, I wish I'd let them see what a shambles our marriage is! Our friends think it's all hunky dory too! Though his close friends know what a difficult, awkward and troubled soul he can be.

He can be a great dad, I hate to break the family up but how long do you just keep on being miserable...? Not good for my kids, not good for me. Got to have the guts to go through with this now.....

I've ranted on again! This is such good therapy :) Thanks again for your earlier advice, it is soo appreciated x

He can be a great Dad without living with you all (and bringing you all down.)
I'm sorry to hear about DC2. It may well be that fear is exacerbating her/his problems - children are deeply affected by their parents' moods, which is tough on them as they can't understand adult feelings - and although it might get worse for a bit after separation, the chances are high that emotional stability & predictability will improve the condition.

Telling your MIL was a decisive step forward :) Well done! You doubtless feel a bit shell-shocked just now, but PLEASE keep up with the fact-finding, and consequent action. All the best.

Thank you garlic butter, you talk a lot of sense :) I really worry about my middle boy, and I do think that to begin with it will make things worse for him, BUT, I have to bear in mind his long-term needs and this marriage just isn't helping him at all. DH has just said he's going after the weekend. I don't even feel sad. Thanks again x

What Betty said up thread.

I'm not all that knowledgable on depression but my ex did have a different mental illness. And it led me to stay with him despite abuse because i blamed it on that. He too could be good sometimes, giving me hope etc. and i used to tense everytime i came home, wondering if he was having a good day. Looking back now and being nearly 11 years older, i truly believe that people enable people to behave a certain way . That's not to say it was my fault or yours but i do think that its a lot harder to treat someone badly if they are not prepared to put up with it.

Well I'm a MH nurse, so I do know about depression - not only professionaly, but I have been medicated on and ofs - for depression, since my youngest son was born 14 years ago - severe PND led to this.

I agree with Sassy about enabling someone - but this is often done out of love, and if so in your case OP, totally understandable. But please accept that this is not your fault. If you genuinely think he has depression, rather than walking on eggshells, he needs help. He may be bipolar...who knows? Well, his GP would be a start - so please get him to seek professional help. He needs to be assessed, he needs to take that step. You are not his mother, you have enough to do with SN child - believe me - you must differentiate between looking after your SN child and his needs, and your husband. Your husband is an adult and you can't fix him. So please insist that he takes responsibility for his MH, and see a GP.

Hopefully SN child will get a diagnosis soon - and there is lots of help and medical intervention available. If your child then gets a Statement at School, then that should help too.

Sorry you are going through this, you sound lovely

Depression in some people is not time limited, particularly if untreated, it can go on for decades and lifetimes. Bipolarism as I understand it, even more so.

There are two books by Anne Sheffield, depression fallout and how to survive when they are depressed, written specifically for people suffering depression (and bipolar) fallout (ie family and friends), because as you describe it is such a very difficult and isolating illness to live with.

If you google 'depression fallout', her website has a message board full of people in your situation, many leaving or having left their depressed partners, and others still working through what to do, or wanting support and advice. I would recommend it.

Both sources seem to discuss at length how to build up your boundaries and self-esteem so you can learn to essentially detach yourself from your depressed partners moods, and not be so affected.

It is surprising how often this situation seems to happen, well maybe not, depression hits 1 in 3 people in a lifetime, or some statistic like that and is the most horrible illness for both the sufferer and their families. So much of what you said regarding the effects on your health and state of mind resonates with me. Have you thought about trying to get CBT for yourself, as you said you are not necessarily depressed but mirroring his moods, but it might help just re-teach you how to think more healthily about things? I am in a similar situation, I am pretty sure I am not depressed, but I am wondering whether I might be suffering stress/anxiety as a result of long term caring for a depressed person, and needing support to get myself back on track.

You said he refuses to seek help? I don't blame you in that situation for wanting to leave, and neither could anyone else. It seems to be one of the hardest things to do, to get a depressed person to admit that they need help, as someone described to me, their illness is that their brain doesn't work properly at that time, so how are they supposed to use it to realise that their thinking is not healthy? But I could not stay with a depressed partner who wasn't doing everything they could to get better, I need hope! Maybe leaving him will be the trigger he needs to go to his GP? If he is to get better that is what he needs to do.

Good Luck!

Thanks again for your replies, so useful. Am definitely going to look up the depression fallout stuff. And the bit about enabling him by the way I act really makes sense to me.

We've had a bit of a breakthrough at the weekend. After telling his mum on Saturday, I found him absolutely sobbing his heart out that evening after the boys had gone to bed. This is a man who NEVER cries, shed a little tear when firstborn arrived, that's it. He couldn't speak for crying, he completely broke down. Said that he had been fighting these demons for years, that he couldn't bear the black moods anymore but that he couldn't seem to shift them. It was heartbreaking, he said he wants help and wants me to go with him. Said he doesn't want a separation, never did, but seems unable to stop pressing his self-destruct button. Sounds awful but I was glad. I have always felt that I would stay and fight for the marriage if he would just admit he has a problem and try to change.

So, here we are. Have an appt with the GP tomorrow. This isn't going to be a quick fix and I'm not saying we will make it but whilst he's willing to seek help I'm happy to try. Going to do more stuff for myself though to try and ensure that I can stay upbeat and therefore be more use to him and the boys. The boys desperately don't want him to go and given middle child's needs if we can make this work then that would be great. So, here we go, separation back on hold - again! Thanks again, am finding this forum a godsend at the mo x

Hangonasec- that's brilliant news! At least if the problem is recoognised, it can begin to start being dealt with.

As you know, from personal experience I know just how soul destroying it is to live with someone who sees the world through shit tinted spectacles- but at least if he's recognising that it's a problem and not just the way life is, then that's a good start.

Good luck, and look after yourself X

Best of luck. I really hope it is a turning point.

One word of advice though. Print out this thread and keep it somewhere. And every now and again, read it and see if you still recognise the woman who has posted on here so far.

Yes, going to see the doctor IS a breakthrough. But time and again with this kind of 'stalemate' problem, it seems that every time there is a crisis, the 'response' is ramped up a bit, so the partner who is trying to make the effort (you) is 'taken in' all over again - and so it continues. You said that he had a shock a few months ago - and started trying. You of course responded with joy and saw a new future. But... it didn't last long.

The cynic in me says that he's fully aware that another similar response - a promise to change, cheering up a bit - won't work this time. He's got to go a step further to 'reassure' you. You've told his mother...he sees a split ahead, which he doesn't want. So his 'lightbulb moment' is more extreme this time - tears, which he has never done before - this time I really really mean it!!

I hope that the tears and the agreement to see the doctor are genuine, I really do. But don't let up on him. If he doesn't start DEALING with this at this point, he never will. If the visit to the doctor ends up with no real plan of action, ADs that aren't taken, counselling that is never followed up - then address it immediately. Don't let the fact that he has responded more enthusiastically than before blind you to the real situation. Don't let a few tears be enough to reassure you for another six months or a year - actions, not words (or tears).

Thanks for replies, I feel a mixture of yes, this is fantastic news, for him to open up like that is a watershed moment, something to feel positive about. BUT!!!! Have been on the end of this for too many years to be won over by a bout of crying and a promise to go to the docs, no matter how much of milestone I know that was for him. That's why I have acknowledged that the split is on hold - for now. I don't know if we will get there, I don't know if things will improve and I know that actions are the way forward, not words. However, if we are to have any hope I think I have to put that cyncial part of me on hold and give him the benefit of the doubt, for now at least. If my heart's not in it and I don't support him trying to get help then I kinda feel we may as well quit now and I think because it is so major for him to say that he needs help that I want to support him in doing so. So, we shall see!

God, did any of that make sense?! In short, I do feel a little cynical but I want him to believe him and am happy to give him one more shot as he's never opened up like this before. So we'll see..... For better for worse, in sickness and in health and all that, these words do ring in my ears!!

There is another forum that I posted on. Four years ago ...a similar pattern to this thread.

I really wanted it to work. If I could have mended him and our marriage I would have. Just do not lose sight of you and your goal in this. Can you get counselling to keep you safe as you try in this?

Thanks Betty, at what point did you say enough is enough?! He was being positive but then tonight, excuse my french, fucking moody sod again, says he now doesn't want me to come with him tomorrow to GP, doesn't need me telling him what to do and say, he can sort himself out. Yawn! I am soooooo close to the end of my tether, cannot take this bloody yo-yo of a life that I am living. I thought the good periods and him opening up would be enough to sustain me but Christ it's hard....... He's now not talking to me (again) and I admit, I have been rude, difficult and awkward with him tonight because quite frankly I have had a crap couple of days with the kids, I'm tired and I stood up to his moods. I really want to be the kind of person that ignores his negative ways and smiles sweetly but I'm struggling tbh. GGrrrrrrrrr!!!!!! Am so pissed off!!!! Sorry for the rant :o(( And whilst I feel like this, I can't help him. Maybe he should move out to see if he can get over his depression i.e. a bit of peace and quiet to kick start the process and then we could take it from there. Oh I don't know, I'm just rambling now....

Oooooh, didn't mean to put a grin face in there!! Am not bloody grinning!!!

second reading depression fallout. there is lots in anne sheffield about impact on DC growing up with depression in a parent. you need to ensure they get to spend time around happy people - and you too.

moving out for a bit isnt a bad idea you know - could he go stay with friends, family? he can be a great dad on visits home. you and dc get to see how life is without the black dog in the house.... you could make it regular respite if the diagnosis is long term depression and you want to continue living together....he needs a proper diagnosis tho to get the right help...

but you do need to make him follow thru with GP. make it clear it isnt an option - he has to go and start accessing help.

you say you run the household - what does he do to help?

Hang...

I'd say he will continue to hook you back in with promises of change but will be completely unable to make that change whilst you have the status quo of living together.

(But I may know very little of your relationship and yr DH)

The thing is..... he's an adult. You are not his mother. You are not responsible for him.

Is he writing to a forum like this? Does he give to you? Does he consider how he can help you?

You are enabling him to behave like this.

Have you read Women who love too much.... (Can't remember author but google it)

Hangon-

God, I really, really feel your pain!

Having similar one step forward, 2 steps back type behaviour this end too.

Re your question 'when is enough enough?', only you can decide that. But as I have said in my thread, I have given DP 6 months.

It's really scary, but this time I am adamant that a change in his moods, and more importantly his behaviour towards me whilst he's in them, has to happen or I'm off.

When you say that you really wish you could be someone who smiles sweetly and ignores his negativity, I understand what you mean...however, you know from bitter experience that you can't do that. That doesn't make you less of a person, or weak in any way. What that makes you is human, and IMO healthy in the respect that you're not prepared to be someone's doormat and soak up their foul moods.

FWIW I would say give him a timed ultimatum, and mean it. During that time, keep a diary of what's going on, get to Relate if you can, and be clear that he needs to 'own' his depression.

Also, during that time, (as someone else advised me), seek legal advice as to where you would stand financially etc on separation, and have a plan b. Personally, I am also gently letting key friends and family know what is going on (as I know you have been doing also).

I think I have been so good at painting a smile on my face through my DP's moodiness that it is coming as a complete shock to most of my friends & family.

Good luck x

..meant to say that my reasoning behind timed ultimatum and keeping a diary, is that in x amount of moths, I can look back and be a bit more objective in my decision to stay or go- as opposed to basing my judgement on a knee jerk reaction dependant on his current mood at that time.

It also means, that if the worst happens and we do split, I will be able to look back in future years without thinking 'what if?' etc.

As someone else said tho, if you can get him to leave the house for a while to give you a break, if it were me, I'd be jumping for joy!