Why do my moods have to reflect his?! Where's my will gone?! Separation looming....

[hangonasec]

Hi, hope you can help. My husband and I are on the verge of separating. He is definitely depressed, has been for years but I have lost sympathy as he refuses to seek help. We have three children, it's going to be difficult but both of us are sick of living in such a miserable relationship. What I was really hoping for some advice on is why do my moods revolve around his so much?? I am a person that holds it altogether quite while, I am level headed, run the household, take care of most of my children's needs, work almost full time in a busy job, can be cheerful during the day. However, my whole life seems to be swayed by my husband's moods. When he comes home with that thundery miserable look on his face I immediately feel my mood deflate. The only good spells are marriage seems to have are when he decides he wants to try, I find it easy to respond. Even as recently as a few weeks ago we had the best period we'd had in years because he said he'd had a dream that I'd left him and it had given him a wake-up call. He tried really hard, was very affectionate, I then found it very easy to get along with him and I felt very much in love again. I actually felt for the first time in years that we might actually make it long term.

Now, he's back to being a complete and utter bloody misery, says there is nothing between us and that we should seperate. I am gutted for the kids but at the same time am sick of living my life at the mercy of his mood swings. BUT!!!! I get so cross at myself!! Why do I let my life be ruled by 'his' moods, why can't I just be cheerful and ignore him?! What is wrong with me?! If he's happy I can be happy, if he's not, I'm not. Whatever happened to independent thoughts and feelings?! I really worry about what the atmosphere is doing to our children, tho so far when I ask my older two (8 and 6) if they're happy, they say yes cos they get to do lots of things (hobby mad). So am pleased about that.

Is this a common theme or is it just me? How can I stand on my own two feet in terms of feelings and being upbeat?! Am going to need to cheer up to handle three children, a stressful job and a seperation.

Thanks for any advice, very much appreciated x

Yes, yes, yes to everything you've both said. Am in total agreement! I now think that we most definitely need to separate, even if it is temporarily. He needs to be able to get himself better without the tension at home and the boys behaviour doesn't help. At the moment he feels like me and the boys drag him down. He even said yesterday that I am no help to him at all and that he needs to get away from me - be my bloody guest!

Baggy, I so know what you mean about the moodiness being a shock to family, I am really cross with myself for putting on a front for far too long.

In terms of a diary, I searched some of my old posts on here and it is bloody depressing, the same old cycle. I'm definitely going to keep a note of things, good (if there are any) and bad. You're right in that nothing will change whilst nothing at home is changing. A break is needed. At times I feel like a split is inevitable but already I feel I can say hand on heart I've done my best and can look my children in the eye when they're older and say so.

When I say I run the household I take care of the food shopping, cooking, washing, ironing, cleaning, bills, paperwork etc. He hoovers, empties the dishwasher, cleans away after dinner, baths the boys and puts them to bed. He's actually always tidying and sorting here and there as he can never relax and sit still. That always puts me on edge!

In truth I think I know where it's heading, it's just so bloody frustrating. And we have a summer holiday booked, the boys will be devastated if he doesn't come but he's already alluded that he won't. That will be hard.

Anyway, rambling again! Thanks so much for your help. Baggy hope you get some progress this week x