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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do I deal with a woman who's about to become the OW?

28 replies

Bennifer · 28/05/2011 02:03

A good friend of mine is on the verge of becoming the OW. Her friend is a "good guy", who's been married for years, but his wife won't sleep with him, he can't divorce her, "he'd leave her if he could" (they don't have children), but as they have a business together and live in a small town, it'd be impossible to get a divorce. The man's wife is supposedly ill which makes things "even more difficult".

Currently my friend is sex-texting this man and conducting and conducting an EA, and although "it sounds bad", "he's a good man".

The whole thing is straight out of the cheater's playbook. How do I makke her see sense?

OP posts:
SpringchickenGoldBrass · 28/05/2011 02:22

You can't. And it's not actually your job to do so: she's an adult and it's up to her, you are not the Monogamy Police.
If you find it distressing or offensive to hear her talk about what's going on, you can ask her not to discuss it with you: if you've already told her that yo u think it's a bad idea and immoral and all the rest of it, then she has heard your opinion but doesn't agree with it. FWIW your friend sounds like a romantic idiot and the bloke like a longstanding fannyrat but it's still none of your business.

CheerfulYank · 28/05/2011 02:26

I never thought I'd hear myself utter these words, but:

What SGB said.

nomedoit · 28/05/2011 03:01

Hmmm. I think what you can do is try to get her to "fast forward the tape." So rather than condemn or criticize pose the questions in terms of your concerns...
"How will you feel after sex when he gets up, goes home and switches off his mobile?"
"How will you feel when he won't see you on your birthday/Christmas/when you go into hospital for an op/when someone dies and you need a shoulder to lean on?"
"Does he expect you to be monogamous? Are you happy with this long-term because actually at least he has been honest about not leaving."
BTW, the fact he has been clear about not getting a divorce makes me think he has done this before and wants to get the ground rules straight from the start.

Anniegetyourgun · 28/05/2011 08:40

She's falling for the oldest lines in the book, but once you've told her that, I can't really see what else you can do.

I bet if she talked to the man's wife though, the wife would be astounded to hear that they never sleep together. Actually there's a line: suggest she approaches the wife to say look, he has needs etc, I would like to be his bit on the side and I won't get in your way; and see what transpires. She won't do that, though, because she'll run it past the husband first, who will then assure her his wife would be terribly hurt. Then your friend can feel she is doing the decent thing by keeping two lovely people happy and indirectly contributing to their marriage. (I had a friend who justified her OW-hood in similar terms.)

Haecceity · 28/05/2011 08:43

I couldn't have put it any better than SGB. She is spot on.

MrsRyanReynolds · 28/05/2011 08:45

Agree with SGB.

BettyBloomfield · 28/05/2011 08:57

Change How from your title to WHY

Who are you thinking of in this?

Aislingorla · 28/05/2011 11:23

He's a 'good guy', eh? Well then, he should have no problem explaining to his wife that he would like to leave the marriage in order to start a new relationship. That is what a 'good' person would do.

Aislingorla · 28/05/2011 11:25

Oh, and how on earth could it be' impossible' to get a divorce ?

Xales · 28/05/2011 11:36

There is nothing you can do to stop her.

I would be the sort to snort and say to her 'oh come on I thought you were too smart to fall for all that crap' which 99.9% of the cheaters spout.

Then I would tell her that I didn't want to hear any more about this man and if she brought him up in conversations I would tell her exactly that. 'I don't want to hear change the subject.'.

Depends how strong is your friendship and how strong are your morals if you still want to be her friend and probably be there for her when it is all over without telling her I told you so....

TotalChaos · 28/05/2011 11:38

yep, SGB is absolutely spot on. bog all you can do to get her to "see sense".

AnyFucker · 28/05/2011 11:58

what sgb said

tell her what you think, then refuse to discuss it further with her

there is nothing more for you to do

MarshaBrady · 28/05/2011 12:00

There's bugger all you can do to stop her. One conversation then try not to think about it again if it is irritating you. Difficult, but there's nothing you can do.

atswimtwolengths · 28/05/2011 12:46

I think nomedoit has it spot on. Get her to tell you how it feels to be the other woman - not the nice part when she's with him, but when he leaves to go to his wife. He doesn't sound as though he's torn between staying and going; he's determined to stay with his wife. She's going to break her own heart.

AKissIsNotAContract · 28/05/2011 12:51

Agree with SGB. Fannyrat is a great term for men like this.

teahouse · 28/05/2011 12:55

Just to add that if she is having an EA then it'll be almost impossible for you to help her stop; she will have to do this herself.
Most MM do not leave their W for their OW but I'm sure she knows this already deep down. The EA is giving her something and that is what will be tricky to leave, not the guy himself.

shortarsefuck · 28/05/2011 13:08

OP I was just about to start a similar thread. My friend has fallen head over heels for a bloke who is "basically separated from his wife but they still live in the same house as it's too hard for him to move out and leave his DS"

So far it's just texts and an EA but she's hoping to meet him in a hotel half way in the next couple of weeks. She met him online (on a forum).

I tried last night for ages to get her to see but I might as well bang my head against a wall.

springydaffs · 28/05/2011 13:33

it's not actually your job to do so: she's an adult and it's up to her, you are not the Monogamy Police.

Here we go again: I fundamentally disagree with this advice, which is so prevelant in our culture. imo it is essential that we all, in our relationships, uphold a moral compass, for the benefit of all. Morals aren't always subjective, as this insidious advice suggests. The woman is your friend OP, not someone on a bus stop.

However, i agree that there is little you can do about stopping her - you can't stop her, only she can do that - and shouldn't try. But you can tell her sh'es being reeled in big time and will be ashamed and heartbroken when she realises how she fell for and invested in the oldest line. She may as well write 'misery' over the months of the calendar for the forseeable, because that's all she's going to get.

Aside from the misery of the 'ill' wife. There's only one person who'll win in this: the turd.

Sapphirefling · 28/05/2011 13:55

I'd tell her that she's an idiot for falling for his crap - I think he's used almost every cheaters cliche - has he told her his wife 'doesn't understand him' ?
As others have said though, people who have affairs don't listen to reason so all you can do is tell her that she's being stupid and then decide if you stick around for her whilst she wrecks other peoples lives.

Wisedupwoman · 28/05/2011 19:15

OP you have become part of the exciting fantasy that an affair offers - your friend is inviting you to participate in the drama.

You can decline or accept and then leave her to whatever the next phase brings.

AnyFucker · 28/05/2011 19:30

wise post, WUW

maypole1 · 28/05/2011 21:55

He cant divorce her what is he being made to stay married in which case the police need to be involved

I suspect you will find its nothing of the sort he dose not was to get divorced if he was that worried about his wife being I'll he wouldn't be playing away and I wouldn't say she wouldn't let him sleep with her as we are taking the word of a cheat my sisters married man also told my sister the wife was being frigid and low and behold she had a baby 3 months ago

Tell her she can shag who she wants but you won't be used as a cover and don't want to hear about how she is shaving a sick womanise husband

abedelia · 29/05/2011 18:30

Tell her 'jesus, what sort of sick bastard cheats on his ill wife, I hope I never have to clap eyes on him' then ask her how she'd feel if she was ill and her partner took that opportunity to shag about elsewhere... because even if he leaves the wife for her eventually, that's the sort of man he is and nothing's going to change it.

Bluebelle38 · 29/05/2011 18:36

It doesn't matter what you say, she will justify it to herself.

Is she lonely? desperate for affection? I can never understand why anyone would accept being anything less than a man's priority.

Aislingorla · 29/05/2011 19:01

Low self esteem is often the case. When I was single and a MM showed interest I always saw him as pathetic and sad and pitied the wife. Never found it flattering, just laughable.