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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

is it ok to just give in and wallow in my misery

28 replies

totallylost · 27/05/2011 23:31

just that really, had enough of brave face

OP posts:

bejeezus · 27/05/2011 23:36

i think its important to wallow..days on the sofa in your dressing gown watching films and eating chocolate..i get back to normal more quickly if i wallow abit..
wassup?

browneyesblue · 27/05/2011 23:36

I think it can sometimes be good to have a bit of a wallow and get the worst of it out of your system. Hopefully afterwards you can then pick yourself up a bit, feel a bit stronger and feel ready to face the world again.

Don't know what your story is, but hang in there :)

overbutnotout · 27/05/2011 23:37

Hi totally - yeah course it's ok to put your hands up and say you've had enough - just as long as the dc's don't suffer. Sorry you're feeling bad x

Original poster

totallylost · 27/05/2011 23:42

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1215838-marriage-is-falling-apart

bit of back ground

DCs are mostly away til Thursday, no work next week, no plans for whole of weekend just want to stop for a while

OP posts:

browneyesblue · 27/05/2011 23:52

Absolutely okay! If it helps, don't think of it as wallowing - it's just taking time to focus on yourself, which seems long overdue.

From your previous thread, you certainly seem stronger and more together than you give yourself credit for though. You've put up with a lot, and held it together for longer than a lot of us would have. You deserve a bit of time to 'wallow' if you want to.

Original poster

totallylost · 28/05/2011 00:02

Browney thought I was stronger but its all denial I am still holding on to the idea of him 'coming to his senses'

So desperate was nearly suckered in to paying 39 sollars to find the quaranteed secret to getting your ex back - how sad is that. The only strength I have is not calling him but thats only by making myself wait five minutes, then five minutes more and on and on

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Original poster

totallylost · 28/05/2011 00:02

sorry dollars not sollars

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Kimberjem · 28/05/2011 00:11

hi totallylost, been thinking just the same thing whilst sat in my pj's eating tiramisu and feeling like my stomach has been ripped out! I have just been through a break up and it's hell and missing my ex like mad, he on the other hand is throwing himself into internet dating. anyhow, have concluded that wallowing is entirely necessary and probably a very healthy thing to do, think it must be the only way to come out the other side. I know what you mean re wishing they would come to their senses but I am trying to have faith in what's meant to be and doing the right thing by me, which tonight is feeling miserable and eating!!

Original poster

totallylost · 28/05/2011 00:13

sorry anyone else feels like this Kimber but selfishly glad I'm not the only one, seem to be surrounded by couples and feel like screaming at them to never take for granted what they have

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Kimberjem · 28/05/2011 00:19

I was going to say the same thing! it is kind of comforting to think I am not the only one feeling like shit, just think the worse you feel the only way really is up. I have never clung on to horoscopes so hard!! mantra for the evening - it will get better, it has to!

Kimberjem · 28/05/2011 00:22

just read your thread, nothing worse than feeling like someone isn't sure about you or the relationship to hurt more than anything, I'm so sorry for what you are going through.

browneyesblue · 28/05/2011 00:27

It's not sad - it's very human to hope for/wish for/want things to get back to normal.

I could feed you a line, and say 'give him time - he'll come to his senses', but the honest truth is this:

No matter what you do or don't do, he'll carry on with his current course of action (which you don't need me to tell you is selfish and destructive). He seems to be getting something out of keeping you off balance, which is unpleasant. This isn't about anything that you've done - it's all about him.

Now there are much wiser minds than me on this board, but in my very humble opinion you really need to focus on yourself for a while. You need looking after for a while, not him. You have DCs who will need you happy, healthy and positive again, not just putting on a brave face, so take this time to really care about yourself.

Be prepared though - chances are when you start feeling stronger/happier, your ex will start sniffing around again. Hopefully by that time you will be the one to have come to your senses though, and you will see that you are stronger without him than with him. Remember, you are in control here, not him.

Original poster

totallylost · 28/05/2011 00:27

nearly managed to raise a smile at the horoscope comment - of course I don't scour everyone for some positive comment....

OP posts:

Kimberjem · 28/05/2011 00:29

hee hee, I waited up til midnight to read next weeks! apparently my heart is going to feel better soon, hopefully not through surgery!!

browneyesblue · 28/05/2011 00:32

Oh, and totally agree Kimber - it is a very healthy thing to do. You are taking stock and repairing yourself (if that makes sense). Your ex, on the other hand, sounds like a complete idiot. Rushing in to new relationships is never a sensible thing to do.

Kimberjem · 28/05/2011 00:40

It absolutely makes sense, in the past I would have drunk myself into oblivion and consoled myself with someone else but am staying sober and not using anyone to make myself feel better because it's not kind and to feel good about myself I need to the right thing by me and by others. Thank you browneyesblue and sorry totallylost for the mini hijack.

Original poster

totallylost · 28/05/2011 00:58

thats ok was just posting on my own thread about a stupid thing I did today to make me feel better which left me feeling worse and ashamed of hurting someone else :(

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Original poster

totallylost · 28/05/2011 01:02

trying to find positives here, the longer I stay up tonight the less time I will be concious to wallow tomorrow

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browneyesblue · 28/05/2011 01:11

Please stop being so hard on yourself. You tried something, it didn't feel right, so you know you need to take a bit longer. There is nothing wrong with that.

If you didn't care about the other person's feelings, and you didn't recognise the fact that you weren't ready, then you'd have something to worry about.

BTW, ice cream sounds very good, but hot chocolate with whipped cream is my 'feel better' treat.

Take care of yourself OP :)

Original poster

totallylost · 28/05/2011 01:12

don't like coconut so hot chocolate sounds better.

Going to try and sleep.

thanks for the kind words

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Kimberjem · 28/05/2011 01:16

oh totallylost, I did the same thing last week and my experience was identical to yours so told the chap in question that I am just not ready to date again (tbh he was a bit tooooo keen) and that's when I had my realisation that I just need to grit my teeth and get through this alone ( with my girl friends of course) so I completely understand how you are feeling. I thought exactly the same as you and being on a date just made me miss my ex more.

Original poster

totallylost · 28/05/2011 01:21

yeah think mine was too keen and too desperate to find his 'soulmate' had told him before meeting I wasn't ready for a full on relationship just wanted to enjoy each others company. He took it all far to personally and said it was all him and he was never good enough for anyone. Can't really cope with other peoples emotions at the moment and think thats what made me crash today.

So thats horoscopes and 'make me feel better' dating and wallowing we have in common :)

Hope you feel a bit better soon and manage some sleep.

Thanks for your support take care

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Kimberjem · 28/05/2011 01:27

isn't it tragic that complete emotional unavailability seems such a draw for men! Sleep well and hope you wake up feeling a little brighter!

Original poster

totallylost · 28/05/2011 13:39

still wallowing

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Kimberjem · 28/05/2011 18:25

Was thinking about you today, I have been hurtling from one thing to another seeing lots if friends and it has really helped, and restocked the fridge full of chocolate. Unfortunately feeling shit is just part of the process to get to the other side and we will both get there. There are so many things I want to say to my ex, I understand now how much I played my part in things going wrong too, but I can't as he wants no contact with me. However, in your case, he is royally messing you around and the more time and distance you can get from being messed around the better you will feel, I promise! Do you have any plans tonight?

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