OK, new beginnings, new thread, it WAS right to serve divorce papers!

[Wisedupwoman]

I asked the question - Am I right to serve the divorce papers on my chameleon-like but definitely cheating, lying, cruel and manipulative STBXH. You all said "YES". So I have. The story continues.........

[Saffysmum]

Hi!

MTT: Thanks for the description of your Ex, he sounds lovely (not!) I shall be on red alert for him on from now on, whilst I'm mooching round the city. And in awe that you can run with a hangover! Do as the others say, and just be yourself and take it slowly and see what happens.

Hope you're enjoying/enjoyed the beach WUW, and hope the weather's better there than it is here.

Had a very lazy day today, which was great. I don't miss STBXH at all, and it's almost five weeks now!

[Saffysmum]

Totally - you're not a Norwich girl too are you? (MTT is from Suffolk and supports Ipswich - but she's nice, all the same!)

[totallylost]

I am a Norwich girl and am struggling to forgive MTT lol

[mumthetaxi]

Good girls, all so positive yay!!!

Flamin norah, I come on MN for a break and get a load of grief from Delias bunch... come on you suffolk girls get on here NOW!

actually XH was in Chapelfield today believe it or not. Probably in the Superdry shop continuing his incarnation as hip and trendy late forty something.

but I've told the kids if he ever attempts to buy some skinny jeans they are to dial 999 immediately.

[totallylost]

thanks for that mental picture MTM, older man, skinny jeans oh dear!

[mumthetaxi]

esp with rather short legs. grim isnt it?!

[Saffysmum]

totally - I hope things work for you and your H, but if you do need a solicitor at some stage, then pm me - cos mine is brilliant and she's in Norwich.

I think I'd rather cop off with the puppet man, who entertains us all outside Primark, than your ex MTT; no offence meant.

[totallylost]

lol that made me laugh Saffy - puppet man not solicitor

trying to avoid solicitors - no DCs together no joint property so quite straightforward and not doing anything til we are both emotionally more stable but thanks for the offer

[mumthetaxi]

saffy ... none taken lol!

although the uncomfortable question remains... we did all choose these men didnt we?!! the fact is my XH changed over the years. and I guess he would say that I did too.

he said some horrible things when we split but one echos in my mind forever "the trouble with you is that you put being a mother above everything else". that was the nail in the coffin for me. I had to be a mum and a dad to them for years because he was too busy off on trips - social and business - to engage as part of our family. totally selfish and we are best off out of it.

yep I've heard there is a brilliant lady solicitor in Norwich, my friend has also recommended. I am in limbo until our house is sold then I will opt out of mediation and just get the solicitors to do a deal - it will cost a fortune but I stand to earn more than I would if I sit in mediation with him (which is horrible anyway). he works in financial services and I am rubbish with all that stuff. he will totally shaft me otherwise!

x

[Saffysmum]

Yes MTT, you're right we did pick them. I just can't believe the man I married is the same man I turfed out a month ago. My STBXH said some horrible things too - one of the last things he said before I kicked him into touch, was that "I care too much". WTF? I think this was his way of not accepting responsibility for his lousy behaviour.

I've got to go to my first mediation on Wed; but am going alone, then referring back to my sol - I just have to go to show willing, but I'm not looking forward to it. My H is an accountant! So I need my sol to sort out the finances, cos like yours, he'll run rings round me otherwise!

Men! Paah!

[totallylost]

lol my first husband is a ridiculous little man with the most annoying habits in the world how I never suffocated him in his sleep is beyond me, 16 years I endured him!!!!!

Present husband - still love him to bits unfortunately :(

[mumthetaxi]

sorry totally, are you no longer with your present husband?

I nearly pmsl with your suffocating comment by the way !!!

saffy - "I care too much?" words fail me tbh. whats that supposed to mean??

mine also said "I'm going to have to make the best of this new relationship because I havent got any other option now have I?" too right. I have it on text too (stored carefully to be used as an absolute last resort!)

hey ho. am on Part II of the Godfather trilogy. sadly Robert de Niro is in it but apart from that rather enjoying myself, fluffy slippers and trackie bottoms an all. out of vino so switched to dregs of bacardi and grapefruit juice with a side of leftover easter eggs from the kids stash. they will kill me when they get home. x

[totallylost]

No MTM he moved out 7/8 weeks ago - got a 'marriage falling apart' thread on here somewhere

[Saffysmum]

MTT: It was when I was upset a week or so before I booted him out; he stayed out all night and I had no idea where. When I asked him he said, "it's none of your business", so I said something like, "I am your wife you know", and he sneered and said "I know you are, but you don't own me". So I then said we needed to know where he was, just in case of emergency, etc. (Cos daughter had tried to call him but his phone was switched off) And he said, "Your trouble is you care too much". Prat. Well, I don't give a stuff about him now - so he's got what he wanted.

Speechless about the "making the best of this relationship..." speech; they're all mad.

[mumthetaxi]

am on part III now. fredo has just been taken out in the fishing boat by his lovely brother Robert de Niro.

totally - I'm so so sorry. horrendous isnt it. but at least you are sane, sober and talking. the first few months for me were a blur. esp as XH chose to rent a house with the OW about two fields away from us (standard measurement in rural Suffolk) . good mum by day. absolute mess by night doing all sorts of inappropriate things. my heart goes out to you in this situation xxx

saffy -I have concluded that our men are not bad or evil, just very very weak. never strong enough to talk. just easier to shag themselves out of a marriage. and usually very financially clued up sadly.

but on the upside I have (most surprisingly) had a lot of fun in the last 10 months - and made sure he gets to know about it! I dont care enough about him to actively seek revenge. its about getting to a place where I am happy without him. and the kids have adjusted ok as we keep it on a level. we're getting there x

[totallylost]

the best revenge is to show them how much happier you are without them

[mumthetaxi]

absolutely.

[totallylost]

Now if I could only take my own advice instead of telling him how miserable I am without him :(

[Saffysmum]

mtt: I agree about not being bothered enough to seek revenge; I feel just the same, and even after nearly five weeks me and kids are happier, the atmosphere at home is great, and I've been seeing loads more of friends and family too - I realise now how isolated I became. I feel my old self returning, and realise that I had become an empty shell over the past couple of years, constantly walking on egg shells, being criticised and controlled, so life's already much much better.

totally: you must take your own advice, even if don't mean it - tell him (if you have to have contact, and I find it easier not to), that you're fine.

Night ladies, nice chatting with you - having an early night 'cos I'm at work at 6.00 a.m. (get paid more for doing a BH shift!) X

[mumthetaxi]

be brave totally. lie like a rug and say you're fine. I did it for a while then suddenly one day I realised that I actually meant it.

saffy isnt it funny how our home life is so much more relaxed now. makes me realised how much we were all treading on eggshells too. now its a bit more chaotic but much more chilled and relaxed. I love having an open house and we were always scared to do that before because he would be so grumpy if the house was full of friends and kids when he got home. sad really that I allowed us to be so controlled. but its all changed now!

night night everyone. sweet dreams. early night for me too. xx

[Wisedupwoman]

This is a thread about the 'right' thing to do when a man leaves a marriage.

there are no right things to do but those you have to, to save face, to get by, to protect your children, to make a future.

I have a picture of my stupid, stupid, really stupid DH in front of me. It isnt even a good picture, just one from the printer. But I have stroked and kissed his face and now it's a bit damp. It's the first time i've done that since he went.
it's going to bed with with me. it's what i want.

[ChippingIn]

Darling girl - it's shit isn't it :( You just want the fairies to bring back the man you met, married & love x Them being asssholes doesn't change how you feel overnight - it just makes you wonder where the real 'DH' went when he left this wanker clone instead.


MTT - you should start your own thread - everyone else has one! :)

[mumthetaxi]

chipping - I'm sorry. feeling terrible that maybe I have said too much too quickly and kindof taken over a bit.

Its just been so so lovely to finally be able to communicate with people in the same situation and be a little bit more honest, rather than just saying "I'm fine" to anyone that asks. I will start my own thread.

and WUW I have done the same too, believe it or not, with a pair of the asda threadbare grundies that I whinged about previously. Just go with it.

just wondered why on earth he was so stupid stupid to chuck everything away - a community that loved him, friends, my family who loved him like a son (his are distant geographically and emotionally!) his life with his children and lastly me.

as he said to my mum the day he left, he has made the worst decision of his life.

sorry again for rambling on too much on this thread, will create a new one!

xx

[Wisedupwoman]

Really the only detaching I've done in the weeks since he left has been the thinking stuff, the language I use, the legal process and all of that.

Emotionally I am no more detached today than the first time I came here. Not from the man he was, not from the bastard he became - I can't differentiate the two because he is both.

The shock has just worn off and I don't have it to protect me any longer. I've stopped having the sensation of disbelief and numbness. I don't want to get rid of his last clothing. I want to smell it and hold it, it's all there is left.
I wish I could talk to him but I don't know what I'd say.

[AnyFucker]

oh, WUW, hang on in there

the numbness is wearing off, and the emotions come flooding back

please recognise this is a very dangerous time for you, and often when women crumble and pick up that phone

don't, don't, don't do it

this too shall pass, I promise