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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

photos of his ex

30 replies

mamaraccoon · 26/05/2011 15:52

So, I decided to do a spring clean today, and I ended up finding a bag full of pictures of my partner with his ex (old pics, I might add).. They looked really happy together... Its just upset me so much to find it and don't really know how to feel. We don't even have one proper photo of us together after two years and a child, never mind a bag full like that. I haven't spoken to him about it yet (he's still at work). I guess I'm just wondering how other people would feel about it, and what they would do? Do I even have a right to be upset about it?

OP posts:

madonnawhore · 26/05/2011 15:59

No one has photos nowadays. They're all digital.

I know what you mean though I saw some printed photos of my BF and his ex recently and my tummy had that horrible cold sinking feeling, even though they were takend 5 years ago.

YankNCock · 26/05/2011 15:59

I wouldn't be bothered. I've got albums of photos with me and ex-boyfriends and it wouldn't occur to me to throw them away. Not because I'm carrying torches or anything, but because they're a part of my personal history. And they are photos of ME that just happen to have someone else in them, IYSWIM.

I think the worst thing you could do in this situation is get really upset about it and turn it into a confrontation. He has a right to have had a life before you. If he was displaying the pictures and looking at them frequently, that would be different.

I'd just say 'I was doing some cleaning and found these, where would you suggest I store them?' He might even chuck the lot in the bin, you never know!

carlywurly · 26/05/2011 16:02

Honestly? Do nothing. If she's an old ex, they're no longer in contact, then what is there to feel anything about? He might not realise he still has them, I think I probably have old pics somewhere too, I never look at them though.

Focus on you and your relationship, organise for some pics of you to be taken if it bothers you, but don't give him any kind of hard time about it, imo you don't have a right to be upset about him having happiness before he was with you!!

madonnawhore · 26/05/2011 16:07

Yeah, you can't really get upset with him about this without looking very unreasonable.

I definitely understand why you feel what you feel, but it's irrational!

As for the pics of you and him, remember to take your camera out with you more :)

SarahBumBarer · 26/05/2011 16:55

I wouldn't like it but would know that I was being irrational and U.

I would tell my DH that I had found them and that I knew I was being irrational and U but didn't like it and he would understand and give me a hug and remind me that I say "hello" to an ex on FB occassionally and he doesn't like it but knows that he s being irrational and U etc etc

teraspawn · 26/05/2011 18:08

I'd guess that she was the one who was into taking photographs and remembered to take the camera everywhere, which is why there are lots of photos of the two of them - not because he doesn't care about you. They're his photos and he is with you because he wants to be. Don't get upset, it doesn't reflect on you at all.

BooBooGlass · 26/05/2011 18:10

When you decided to spring clean was it actually a ruse so you could snoop? You're readign far too much into it. I have photos of exes stashed somewhere too I'm sure. They have no significance to me whatsoever and would be livid if my dp saw fit to confront me about them. Talk about making a fuss about nothing

AnyFucker · 26/05/2011 18:12

deary me, you need to get over this one

how to piss your partner off, in ten easy steps

FabbyChic · 26/05/2011 18:19

Id think nothing of it, however I do think when you embark on a new relationship you get rid of the old relationship stuff, maybe he just forgot about it?

AnyFucker · 26/05/2011 18:21

I have been with my DH for over 25 years

there are still photos of him with his ex somewhere in the back of the wardrobe

so what, they are part of him

I would never insist he got rid of them...how ridiculous

mrsravelstein · 26/05/2011 18:22

i've got albums and albums worth of pictures including, oh god, at least 15 boyfriends all readily to hand in the house. dh has got 1 box of old photos in the cellar, as far as i know only 1 girlfriend among them, but they'd still make me feel awful if i looked at them. totally irrational but i do know what you mean!

AnyFucker · 26/05/2011 18:23

mrsr...so it's ok for you to have photos of 15 bf's but you get upset at your dh's single one ?

dead right that is totally irrational

mrsravelstein · 26/05/2011 18:23

but no, you don't have a right to be upset about it. just start taking your camera everywhere and asking him to take a pic of you, if i didn't do that, i wouldn't have any of me and the 3dc.

mrsravelstein · 26/05/2011 18:24

AF - it was written with a smile, i don't get upset about it but i can understand why it feels bad. it's totally ok for him to have the photos, and for me to have them. they're part of our histories.

AnyFucker · 26/05/2011 18:26

you said you would feel "awful"

is that not what you meant then ?

however, your follow-up post (that crosses with mine) makes much more sense !

MooMooFarm · 26/05/2011 18:27

If you were having a good clear out I'm assuming the photos were out of the way somewhere? Therefore your P has probably just shoved them somewhere and forgotten about them. He hasn't done anything wrong IMO, although you would have to be made of stone to not be affected by looking through them.

If it makes you feel better you could tell him you came across them today and it made you feel a bit funny & see what he says. But don't act as if he's done anything wrong (he hasn't) and don't insist he dumps them - he might offer to do that anyway.

mimi46 · 26/05/2011 18:37

My DP has loads of photos of his wife, she died 5 years ago. They are all in a drawer in a spare room. Also a chest of her stuff. Everyone has memories it doesnt mean you should feel threatened, you're the one who is in his life now.

mrsravelstein · 26/05/2011 18:38

AF - yes i think i did feel awful when i saw them, sort of sick, but not upset as such. upset would be if dh had done something to hurt me, which obviously he had not.

AnyFucker · 26/05/2011 19:14

ok, mrsr

I use "upset" as a general term, meaning anything from " a bit bothered" to "absolutely gutted"

you are entitled to your feelings of course, but you are right, he had not done a thing to hurt you

Original poster

mamaraccoon · 26/05/2011 20:18

Woah, totally did not realise how quickly things get heated up on here! (I am a bit new)- well yes, I got a bit emotional about it when I didn't need to, I haven't said anything to him and I won't! So thanks to the people who gave advice without judging. And to the others- cool your jets!!

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 26/05/2011 20:21

another unsatisfied MN customer

InNeedOfCoffee · 26/05/2011 20:30

I have a lots of pictures of me and my exH, don't really want to cut out my life from age 16 to 22, but they are put 'away' and dp knows not to go looking where they are if he doesn't want to see them.

quietlysuggests · 26/05/2011 20:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

stripeytiger · 26/05/2011 21:02

I have pictures of my ex h in the loft. I certainly wouldn't put them out on display but I have said that my dcs can look at them whenever they want and if they want a picture in their room of ex h that is fine. i

Mamaracoon i don't think you are being unreasonable feeling a bit upset, but remember that she was part of his past therefore he maybe doesn't want to wipe it out like it never happened. Remember a photo only captures a moment and if they were that happy then they would still be together. He's with you now.

FabbyChic · 26/05/2011 21:09

I gave all the pictures of the childrens father to him, he also has all the pictures of him with the kids too, I don't have any.

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