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Original poster

OM has started work in DH's building... nightmare

33 replies

queasynight · 25/05/2011 22:20

Five years ago I cheated on my DH with an ex. It was an awful, unforgivable thing I did - but DH forgave me after years of work to rebuild his trust. I can truly say our relationship is stronger and better now than it was then, and he has said the same. I barely think about the OM. We have acquaintances in common and on three occasions since I cheated (went NC immediately), DH and I and OM have crossed paths. It has always been awkward at best, and that's for me - worse for DH.

DH has always maintained that he is/was angrier at me than OM, and quite right too, but he is bitter towards OM for 'taking advantage' of the problems in mine and OH's relationship (I gave him access to all the emails etc so he formed his own opinion from that. NOT EXCUSING what I did, but OM did the chasing, and that is important to DH).

DH works in a 'landmark' building in London. He came home this evening and seemed especially strained. Once we got the kids to bed I asked him if anything was up (he's been under stress at work lately but can usually shrug it off quickly), and he told me that he'd bumped into OM in the building's cafeteria. He'd said hello, OM had said he'd "seen him around" (DH hadn't noticed him but is a fairly oblivious guy most of the time), and that the company he works for has moved into the building too - a different floor, and it's a big building, but even so.

DH says he's okay - but I feel sick, guilty, angry at myself for putting him in this position, ashamed, embarrassed - and I'm sure it must've brought up so many awful feelings for DH. I know that in his situation I'd feel much less comfortable about my commute and lunch hours etc, always be looking over my shoulder. DH is not like that, but... oh it's awful.

I don't know why I'm posting really... I am just distraught on DH's behalf, and going forwards, me and the DCs often go and visit daddy at the office and were planning to do so over half term... is it just me who is going to be worrying about seeing OM while with the kids, or might DH be thinking that too and covering it up?

I just feel so disgusting and ashamed for making it so that DH has to share space with someone who's associated with something so painful. Does anyone have any ideas on how I can make it less awful?

OP posts:
FabbyChic · 25/05/2011 22:30

You need to take a step back, it's past, yes it is horrible to be reminded of the past, but you have got over it, and are stronger for it.

If your DH can deal with it you have to too, and stop giving it so much thought.

What is done is done, he won't see him all the time, but from time to time not unlike bumping into someone at the shops, its just one of those things.

Make a fuss of your husband, remember that he chose to stay and you have worked your problems out and remember how strong you are now, don't falter.

It isn't as bad as you think.

Original poster
queasynight · 25/05/2011 22:54

I couldn't stand bumping into DH's (hypothetical) ex-OW at the shops regularly though!

It's all about me, though, isn't it... I feel guilty, I feel sick I've put DH in this situation. It seems so unfair that when we've put so much work into things he gets a daily reminder of how shit his wife has been.

OP posts:
bleedingstill · 26/05/2011 00:30

You're over reacting.
I was five years ago.
Your husband has forgiven you.

Please forgive yourself and move on

perfectstorm · 26/05/2011 00:36

The best thing you can do for your DH is to stop this man affecting his life any more than he has done already. That means you have to let it go for HIS sake, never mind your own.

I think getting a card for DH and writing in it what you've said here - how strong the marriage is now, how much you love him and how grateful you are for this second chance, and that you hate that he is having to cope with reminders, and if there is anything at all you can do to ease this for him or make it any more comfortable he needs to let you know - and then give it to him to read.

You owe it to him to let this go, never mind yourself. You're happy together, you love one another, you made a mistake. You're only human. Don't let this silly event, so long ago, keep poisoning the happy present.

schmarn · 26/05/2011 10:38

You know, it sounds like you and your husband have done a fantastic job of working on and rescuing your marriage. I liked the fact that you showed him the emails and were obviously open about it and that has helped him to forgive you. In turn he has shared his feelings with you about seeing this man. I'm guessing that a lot of women here would be happy to have what you have and the fact that you feel bad about his situation shows how much you care.

As someone else said, you only need to tell him that's how you feel, give him a hug and reassure him. I also think you should go ahead with your plans to take the kids to his office - it would be a terrible shame for them to miss out because of an affair in the past. If you do bump into the OM, just take comfort from the thought that you are there with your lovely husband and kids and you are all happy.

Original poster
queasynight · 26/05/2011 13:11

DH avoided going for lunch with the usual office crowd and is sat at his desk - he said he didn't want to risk bumping into OM again and will get lunch at 2 Sad

One of his colleagues knows about the affair and would recognise OM - DH confided in him back when it all happened. This colleague has since proved himself to be untrustworthy (though not on this topic as far as we know), and DH is worried he might see OM and tell people who he is to us.

Really not sure what to do. DH is clearly more affected than he seemed last night.

OP posts:
Hassled · 26/05/2011 13:16

You poor thing - a nightmare.

The only thing you can do, the only thing you actually have any control over, is constant reassuring of your DH. He's probably feeling pretty insecure - seeing the OM woudl have brought back memories of how he felt at the time, and he may be reliving it a bit. So he'll need lots of confidence-boosting, lots of love and affection. I'm sure it will get easier with time.

catwalker · 26/05/2011 14:49

queasy - I feel so sorry for you when you've worked so hard to put this behind you. You sound like a good person with a good marriage and you ought to be able to consign your mistake to history by now. I understand your dh's position only too well. I was initially terrified at the possibility of bumping into the woman my dh had a brief fling with. Now I'm just scared of bumping into her but I no longer expect her to be round every corner. I would hope that by now the effect the OM has on your dh may be less painful than it would have been a few years ago. But it clearly does still pain him. Perhaps the OM feels uncomfortable too and he might keep his head down?

I also understand your dh's concerns about people knowing who the OM is. When I am with people who know the OW, I also worry about whether or not they are aware of what happened and if they are judging me and my marriage.

You sound just like my dh - honest, open, loving - and I now feel sad that his mistake still haunts us. Reminders always seem to come when you're least expecting them, from the most unexpected quarters and when you are least able to deal with them.

I'm not really saying much other than I understand your dh's pain. But I understand yours too. I know how much pain my pain causes dh. However, I don't think you can do any more than you are doing already - showing your dh how much you love and care about him. Maybe you could go and take him out for lunch now and again? Make sure you ring for a chat if you know he's sitting at his desk at lunchtime feeling miserable. Put some tasty snacks in his briefcase in case he doesn't feel up to leaving his office. Or what about getting some new family photos for his desk so he can focus on what is important if he starts to feel sad. The thing not to do - and it doesn't sound as if you would - is minimise his pain. Just be sympathetic, understanding, acknowledge what he is suffering and look for ways to demonstrate your love.

perfectstorm · 26/05/2011 17:12

I agree with the tasty snacks idea. Little notes telling him how fab he is, an email just saying you love him, maybe arrange to meet him at a cafe near his work with the kids? Just a lot of loving reassurance.

It's an awful situation but if you focus on love and reassurance for your DH it may, oddly enough, help strengthen things once more. He can remember that you did choose him, and that you're hugely glad and relieved that you did.

Original poster
queasynight · 26/05/2011 21:57

It's been a really bad evening - he says it brings it all back and he feels like a mug Sad

He doesn't want me and the DCs to come to see him over half term in case OM sees us. God this sucks. He's talking about asking for a secondment to a different (poss. overseas), office even. He's just so angry with me. Whatever I do to try to reassure him ends up making him upset.

OP posts:
buzzsore · 26/05/2011 22:32

Oh dear. I think you may need some outside help, relationship counselling/individual counselling. After 5 years, it'd be dreadful for it to destroy what you've both rebuilt.

It sounds like seeing the OM has shown up that your dh never quite worked through what happened. I do think it's worrying that he's giving this man so much head-space and power over you both, in that he wants to retreat/hide rather than defiantly demonstrate that you as a couple got through it.

bleedingstill · 27/05/2011 00:42

hmm. So he hasn't forgiven you? Or has he? I'm confused.
is appearance of OM shaking things , as a blip, do you think? Or did he not forgive in the first place?

DOn't even bother to think about your loose lipped friend who knows about the affair. What others think/ discuss does not matter

braidedsilver · 27/05/2011 02:33

Oh Queasy I can only imagine what you both are going through right now. This stands out to me: The appearance of OM has made you start treating your husband differently. Still be sensitive to the things he confides in you, but be resolute and hold steady. Right now you need to be his rock. Don't inquire, if he changes his schedule don't bat an eyelash, if he's upset take it with grace and poise and understanding. Don't feel hurt, it's not something he can control, and it's not as personal as it seems. Don't shut down emotionally, but put a leash on what you're feeling so that it's easier for him to calm down, then come to terms with how you feel about it. You two are feeding of of each other, since you're not the one dealing with it daily (in the same way) be the rock, and later he can be yours again.

That's what I'd do anyway. Go on as you did before, and try to dismiss any thoughts of OM from your mind and your life.

LoveBeingAbleToNamechange · 27/05/2011 07:17

It's not suprising it's brought it all back especially as it forced on him at a safe place so to speak. It could be that when he's got over the shock he can get back to being oblivious.

4c4good · 27/05/2011 08:51

Hi

It sounds like he has not forgiven you, really, and that he may be using this situation to demonstrate that to you; maybe even exaggerating a little deliberately to hurt you too.

His pride is hurting and he probably feels humiliated all over again, in his 'safe' place, as someone said. I'd suggest relationship counselling for both of you.

CamperFan · 27/05/2011 09:35

I think it is possible to have forgiven someone, but still be angry with the situation. Your DH probably never thought he would be in a position where he could potentially see the OM on a daily basis. And however much you have moved on in your lives that is always going to be awkward. It could be, as the pp, says that he will be Ok once he gets over the initial shock of it, but tbh, I am not sure I would cope too well and would probably be considering moving offices too. I agree some counselling would help you - did you have any when the affair happened? I also agree with braidedsilvers post. Good luck, I hope you can both move past this.

Original poster
queasynight · 27/05/2011 10:57

Thankyou so much everyone for your posts, which are so thoughtful and thought-provoking and full of compassion. It helps such a lot.

braidedsilver your point is excellent and well-taken. I need to be the strong one now. DH has been knocked for six and if I start catastrophising(sp?), or apologising constantly - which is what I feel I should be doing - he's got nowhere to 'go', mentally, does he.

We had a family event last night and then once we were in bed he instigated a conversation about it which went on until the early hours. As people have said, he is angry. He has forgiven me but he feels like a part of his life which was always separate has been invaded and "I didn't sign up for that". He has a lot of negative feelings about himself which this has brought back.

We did have counselling after I cheated - he struggled with his desire to work on things as he felt he 'should' end the marriage and that what I did 'should' be the end of things. We worked with the counsellor a lot to help him see that he wasn't being weak or made a fool of to work on things and let me try to regain his trust. He was always a very black-and-white guy though far less so now.

We are going away as a family for the long weekend - last-minute trip to the seaside. After half-term we're going to see a counsellor again I think - we discussed that last night and we'd both like to.

He went to work late today Sad - I didn't make a big deal about it. I really hope the long weekend will help us bond so he can see me as the person who wants to support him through this not the cause of it all.

OP posts:
BelieveInPink · 27/05/2011 11:34

Reassurance, reassurance, reassurance. I'm sure yu do a good job of that already, but there's not much else you can do really. It must be shit for him to feel like this OM has invaded his work place, I can understand that I really can. Both of you would like no reminders of what happened, and I suppose it's very hard to not make a big deal out of it if he's constantly a threat in terms of being in the same place at the same time.

Hopefully this weekend, and the counselling will bring him back down to earth and remember why you both fought for your marriage. You sound like a tough, solid pair and this doesn't have to beat you. I do understand why his feelings have resurfaced, he must be dreading bumping into him.

BelieveInPink · 27/05/2011 11:36

Reassurance, reassurance, reassurance. I'm sure yu do a good job of that already, but there's not much else you can do really. It must be shit for him to feel like this OM has invaded his work place, I can understand that I really can. Both of you would like no reminders of what happened, and I suppose it's very hard to not make a big deal out of it if he's constantly a threat in terms of being in the same place at the same time.

Hopefully this weekend, and the counselling will bring him back down to earth and remember why you both fought for your marriage. You sound like a tough, solid pair and this doesn't have to beat you. I do understand why his feelings have resurfaced, he must be dreading bumping into him.

BelieveInPink · 27/05/2011 11:39

I swear I only clicked "post" once.

Original poster
queasynight · 27/05/2011 19:04

Believe I am always doing that! MN has been a bit dodgy lately in that respect too I think.

Today was much better. DH sent me a sms around lunchtime which said: "Saw OM heading out of the cafeteria... was his bald spot always that big?" I replied with "he used to use spray-on hair!" and it felt like the tide turned slightly. DH came home absolutely fine and cheery - DS2 had a friend over and DH had a great time messing around on the trampoline :)

OP posts:
braidedsilver · 27/05/2011 22:38

Queasy that's so wonderful! There will be ups and down. I'm so glad you found my thoughts helpful! Blush A bit of regular counseling may be worth while. I'm convinced it's healthy even if you're happily married with nothing bad causing disruption. Having that place where you can be completely honest with no consequences does wonders. Maybe commit to a couple sessions a year just because? Please keep us updated.

bbird1 · 27/05/2011 22:57

Hassled - "you poor thing"
for having shagged somebody else and now that somebody else be working in your hub's building. yes, poor little thing.

Original poster
queasynight · 27/05/2011 23:13

bbird I don't think anyone thinks I'm the person who deserves sympathy here. Least of all me.

DH and I have put in fuckloads of work - there have been times when it would've been so much easier to seperate. Almost all the time, for a year and more, in fact. What's happened now IS awful for me, but only because it is a reminder of what a shit I was to DH. This situation feels like he is (once again), being punished for my actions, and it's horrible for everyone.

What I did was SHIT. But I knocked myself out showing him I deserved a second chance, and things have been so much better. Nobody's calling me a victim here but it does hurt to see this come back to haunt us when we have tried so hard.

OP posts:
Original poster
queasynight · 27/05/2011 23:15

And, sitting here self-flagellating doesn't help my DH - it makes things worse for him, actually, to have me tiptoeing around wishing I was dead and apologising every ten seconds. He needs to see I've moved on too.

OP posts: