OM has started work in DH's building... nightmare

[queasynight]

Five years ago I cheated on my DH with an ex. It was an awful, unforgivable thing I did - but DH forgave me after years of work to rebuild his trust. I can truly say our relationship is stronger and better now than it was then, and he has said the same. I barely think about the OM. We have acquaintances in common and on three occasions since I cheated (went NC immediately), DH and I and OM have crossed paths. It has always been awkward at best, and that's for me - worse for DH.

DH has always maintained that he is/was angrier at me than OM, and quite right too, but he is bitter towards OM for 'taking advantage' of the problems in mine and OH's relationship (I gave him access to all the emails etc so he formed his own opinion from that. NOT EXCUSING what I did, but OM did the chasing, and that is important to DH).

DH works in a 'landmark' building in London. He came home this evening and seemed especially strained. Once we got the kids to bed I asked him if anything was up (he's been under stress at work lately but can usually shrug it off quickly), and he told me that he'd bumped into OM in the building's cafeteria. He'd said hello, OM had said he'd "seen him around" (DH hadn't noticed him but is a fairly oblivious guy most of the time), and that the company he works for has moved into the building too - a different floor, and it's a big building, but even so.

DH says he's okay - but I feel sick, guilty, angry at myself for putting him in this position, ashamed, embarrassed - and I'm sure it must've brought up so many awful feelings for DH. I know that in his situation I'd feel much less comfortable about my commute and lunch hours etc, always be looking over my shoulder. DH is not like that, but... oh it's awful.

I don't know why I'm posting really... I am just distraught on DH's behalf, and going forwards, me and the DCs often go and visit daddy at the office and were planning to do so over half term... is it just me who is going to be worrying about seeing OM while with the kids, or might DH be thinking that too and covering it up?

I just feel so disgusting and ashamed for making it so that DH has to share space with someone who's associated with something so painful. Does anyone have any ideas on how I can make it less awful?

quesynight - take no notice of bbird1 - she sounds a bit spiteful. You have had a lot of thoughtful posts on here that have helped. Can't add much really but think you need to stop beating yourself up about your affair - it happened and it ended. I also wondered if your H was playing on it a bit to make you feel bad because he is still angry, but maybe not. I know everyone is saying reassurance x10 or whatever and I don't disagree with that, but I think you have to be a bit pragmatic here - it isn't actually unusual for married couples to have affairs and I think if you continue to see it as something SO awful, it might allow your H to keep the pot boiling, but that may not be fair, as it's difficult to know in a few lines of type isn't it.

Has you H actually seen this bloke, or just the back of his head. Does the OM know your H is your H IFYSWIM - just thought that if your H actually saw him and could see that he wasn't Brad Pitt (assuming of course he doesn't look like him!) it just may help.

Hope things work out for you both and glad you are going to counselling.

Oh bb1 grow the fuck up. This woman made a mistake and is doing her damndest to set it right. She doesn't need or deserve to be tarred and feathered unto eternity for it.

OP, I really hope that this works through. I don't think it means he hasn't forgiven you, it's just a reminder of how much it hurt. I agree the poster pointing out that you needed to be strong for him was spot on right. It's him who has a right to be wobbly.

Everyone makes horrible mistakes. It doesn't make you a horrible person, unless you keep making them and don't take responsibility. You haven't and you are. Good on you, and keep your chin up. You can get through this - you got through the worst part a good while back. Must have taken a lot of commitment and work on all sides.

Bb1 can't you read - it's the effect it's having on her dh that's upsetting her she has asked for any sympathy for herself it's all about how her dh is being affected.

Ps think your judgy pants might be a bit tight too put you in such a bad mood.

Ok having seen bb1's post on my threads your on I replied to that and have now gone back and read the updates. Really pleased yes that is a step forward for your dh.

But queasynight it is my turn to judge you now, really spray on hair??!!

Hasn't asked for

bbird1 - what's up? Haven't you read the thread!

queasynight - best wishes. you are strong and sincere.

"spray on hair"

< holds sides in mirth >

Op, have just been lurking on your thread so far, but I wanted to say I am glad that you (but mostly your DH, of course) feel a bit better today

Excellent, glad he's feeling a bit better about it all. I'm sure there's been ups and downs but as I said in my last post you sound like a solid, strong, happy couple.

I hope things keep improving.

And I hope bbird managed to get that rather large chip off her shoulder, must be causing some gip. :)