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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband is having an affair

42 replies

BeamMysterious · 25/05/2011 18:06

We have 4 children, aged 6 - 12. We both work (healthcare professionals so manage childcare between us).

Okay. Deep breath This hurts so fucking much.

Our friend (or so I thought) was widowed 2 years ago very suddenly. We all rallied round as people do.

2 years later...she's smiling, happy and tells me she's dating again. I was so happy for her .... until I realised she had nabbed my man.

So what now?
Fight for him? Let him go?

This may come across as flippant but I am seriously upset.:(

OP posts:
HerHissyness · 25/05/2011 18:11

Oh love. You poor soul.

HerHissyness · 25/05/2011 18:12

Could you go round there and set her straight? This is personal after all.

Then it's HIS turn.

GypsyMoth · 25/05/2011 18:12

how do you mean?? nabbed him?

has he left you for her....or have you found out about them meeting etc??

so sorry

BooyHoo · 25/05/2011 18:17

how do you know it's your DH? are you sure?

if so i would go through them both for a shortcut.

Original poster
BeamMysterious · 25/05/2011 18:18

He has left us and is living with her, she has 2 girls who are friends with my children.

I feel idiotic.

OP posts:
Aislingorla · 25/05/2011 18:19

How did you find out?
You may be in shock, hope you have a friend with you.
Be back later.
Best wishes.

BooyHoo · 25/05/2011 18:22

oh.

so sorry for you.

sounds like he has made his choice. why would you want to fight for him? now that would be idiotic. he isn't 'yours' in the sense that you get to 'let him go'. only he can make the decision to go or stay. if he doesn't want to be with you then no fighting in the world will make him stay.

gather your good friends and family around you and take all teh support you can get. be strong for your chidlren. i am so sorry.

Dragini · 25/05/2011 18:22

You're not an idiot. This isn't usually about DW - the OW is always accessible, has time to talk and lavish attention on the poor neglected selfish sod of a DW

I guess he now knows that you know. That's actually quite a big step and takes it out of the realms of an affair now. You need some time to lick your wounds and to recover from this. Keep your head heald high and reember that you have acted honourably (think as horribly as you like!). But don't think you were an idiot in befriending her in the first place, or in trusting your DH.

GoodnightNobody · 25/05/2011 18:23

I wouldn't fight for him and neither would I challenge her at this point.

I'd get myself some good support/ counselling.

I'd deal with him on a practical level re access to children etc- with you calling the shots.

Be dignified towards them as much as you can and bawl and rage with people you trust.

If you fight they will collude further.

You have sufferred a terrible betrayal from both him and her. I'm sorry it must be hell.

perfectstorm · 25/05/2011 18:25

Please don't try to fight for him. Please, a man who can do this is not a prize. You deserve and are worth more than competing like this. Truly, you are. And if he returned after a "campaign" you'd always feel like you had to keep that up to keep him - what sort of life would that be? He's gone because he wasn't man enough to talk to you, to be honest with himself, never mind you. Let him stay gone - they are one another's problem, now.

Small kids kill romance. They just do, because they are so massively labour intensive. Some people can't take reality, and he will soon learn that other people's kids are even less glamorous than your own.

I'm so desperately sorry. This is a heartbreaking situation. But you WILL get past it, move on, and have a happy life again. You just have to live through the horrible bit, first.

Post lots here. MNers are a fabulous bunch in a crisis, always. And again, I am so, so sorry.

perfectstorm · 25/05/2011 18:26

Goodnightnobody is wise.

brandnewme · 25/05/2011 18:26

What goodnight said

Sad what a shit!

Leverkusen · 25/05/2011 18:27

Don't fight for him.

Don't challenge her.
Neither of them are worth it.

Be dignified, hold your head high when they can see.

Sorry this has happened. It must be awful.

FabbyChic · 25/05/2011 18:28

I agree with goodnight, he isn't worth it, he has left his children, get yourself a decent solicitor, talk as much as you can to friends.

Leverkusen · 25/05/2011 18:28

Also- sorry but, if you were sleeping with him then you need to get an STI test

brandnewme · 25/05/2011 18:28

And perfectstorm

I have no words of wisdom, but you'll get a whole load from others who have been in the same situation

Wine or Brew or a ton of hugs to you

MumblingRagDoll · 25/05/2011 18:31

So so sorry. Sad The best fight you can fight right now...is to look after yourself. You are all that matters...not him...not her....only you and the children.

Is there any way you can take the kids away for a break? Even a weekend or a week somewhere cheap if money's an issue. Or is there anyone who can be with you? A relative?

Original poster
BeamMysterious · 25/05/2011 18:33

Thank you all for your replies. I really do appreciate it. My head is scrambled, I am trying to be 'normal' for the children right now.

So, so, so difficult.:(

OP posts:
WowOoo · 25/05/2011 18:37

Oh no. Not much of a friend, was she?

Like others say, look after yourself and the dc. She and he will live with guilt for a long time, I'd imagiine.

How did you find out if that's not too nosey? Are you entirely sure?

Xales · 25/05/2011 18:39

Do you really want to 'win' a man who lies, cheats, shags your friend and leaves you and your children?

You deserve way better than that!

Please don't give him the ego boost and satifaction of 2 women warring over his worthless hide.

Oh and get yourself off to an STI clinic Sad

Good luck

totallylost · 25/05/2011 18:41

Agree with the don't fight but I would want to talk to him and explain to him honestly how you feel over what they have done. Keeping a dignified silence may give him the excuse to salve his guilt by saying you never cared anyway. I would tell hik how hurt you are, that you loved and trusted him and thought you were both comitted to a future together but HE has spoilt all that and shattered your hopes and dreams by HIS actions. Let him carry some of this hurt.

totallylost · 25/05/2011 18:42

And I know this will be no consolation but you are not alone. Many many people right now are dealing with their own hurt. My husband walked out for the last time last night. I will not be fighting for him again.

thebestisyettocome · 25/05/2011 18:47

I agree with everything everybody else has said. You sound very strong and capable. He'll drop her one day too, by which time you'll be totally sorter Smile

fenner · 25/05/2011 18:50

I agree with Goodnight, too. You need your friends around you, and maybe access to a counsellor to vent your feelings. Also, a good lawyer who will know and enforce your rights on your behalf. Talking to them (beyond practical things) won't come to any good right now.

I am sorry this has happened to you. For whatever it's worth, you will come through it a stronger person.

ScaredOfCows · 25/05/2011 18:54

What a crap situation, what a crap man and what a crap 'friend'.

Agree with the others, let him go. He is not worth it. He may or may not come to his senses in the future, when he realises the grass is far from green over there, when the novelty has worn off. The choice will be yours if that does happen - you may have decided by then that you don't want him anymore.

I would also add - get some legal advice (you need to know where you stand legally and financially), and get yourself an STI check as a matter of urgency.