My husband is having an affair

[BeamMysterious]

We have 4 children, aged 6 - 12. We both work (healthcare professionals so manage childcare between us).

Okay. Deep breath This hurts so fucking much.

Our friend (or so I thought) was widowed 2 years ago very suddenly. We all rallied round as people do.

2 years later...she's smiling, happy and tells me she's dating again. I was so happy for her .... until I realised she had nabbed my man.

So what now?
Fight for him? Let him go?

This may come across as flippant but I am seriously upset.:(

How absolutely horrible of them both. Make sure you are open with friends and family about the fact that he had an affair with her before thereafter leaving you and his four children. Keep your dignitiy I agree with but I think its equally important to be honest. So tell people how hurt you are and how this is affecting your children as it surely must (just the fact that the OW's children are friends with yours, jeeez). Get yourself a good solicitor so that at least your not bowled over financially.

You may not feel like things will ever be right for you but they will be. Like any major life changing event they mould you and make you stronger in the end. Maybe you can take this as a catalyst for positive things in your own life, take up hobbies you didn't do because you were busy looking after your family?

'Sorted'

Hello BeamMysterious. Really feel for you. You must be so angry.

How did this situation come about? What happened?

Take him to the f*ing cleaners!

Oh and please don't feel like an idiot. Its not your fault and you are not an idiot for not knowing what was going on. Give me more to go on and I'll try to advise.

Did you know this was on the cards....ie things weren't great at home, or has it come as a total shock to the system?

Apologies if you think I'm being a nosey (and feel free to give me a slap, stick a knife in me) but it may help in getting advice from here on in? Or at least how you move on, talk with him...... Is he a normally decent bloke and everyone would be shocked? Is he a good father?

Only saying this, as I know a few marriages that have broken down and some have been a lot more pleasant and civilised than others, especially when it's come to divorce, money, houses, access to kids etc. Some men have fought tooth and nail for access to kids and others haven;t given a shit and walked away. Some I've know have happily left the wife with the house and money for the kids, a few others have been the opposite.

I guess what I'm thinking is it could shape how you proceed with regards to access to the children, divorce etc.

Sorry you have so much to deal with. Hope you and the kids are ok.....

So, so very sorry that you are going through this. As everyone has said above, please focus on yourself and your DC. Don't bother 'fighting' for him.....and don't ever feel like an idiot. He chose to do what he did and was totally in control of those choices....

I am a few months down the line now from ex's affair bombshell and although it will feel tough, especially in the beginning, it will get better (and the advice on here is very, very good!).

Take care,
X

In answer to a few questions - he's a brilliant father, he's always there for the children - there's no Jeremy Kyle-esque rant regarding that. My children are just puzzled about the recent events.

I'm actually feeling pretty apathetic and low right now. When I was putting my daughters to bed earlier, my youngest said "Mummy's sad" which shocked me because I didn't think I was showing my emotions.

I'm so fed up right now, I wonder if I should see my GP, get a sick note for a week or two and perhaps some Prozac?

hey there

I am so sorry. This is really, really bad.

Should you "fight" for him ? How ? He made his decision and really, OW has the booby prize here, although I am sure it doesn't feel like that right now. Don't let him think he is worth fighting for....he isn't.

Also take no excuses or justifications from him. I don't care if his arse is hanging out, and "depression" has sent him "crazy", there is no excuse in the world for what he has done, in the way he has done it.

Please tell everyone in RL exactly what has happened. Do not protect their sordid little romance. You need support, and spades of it.

Yes, see your GP and get some time off work. I also work in healthcare...you are not fit to work with the public for just a little while, lovey. However, don't go down the anti-depressant route (just yet). Your low mood is reactive, without an organic cause. Prozac may not help, and will certainly mask any true and valid strong feelings you justifiably have.

All you can do at the moment is get your family and friends around you and look after yourself and dc.

Sending you some strength and many well wishes

You could get a sick note but staying at home might give you too much time to "think". I wouldn't go for the Prozac either, it's going to be painful now and dulling the pain now won't cure it, if you see what I mean.

Sounds like your DH got caught up in the "rescuer" role. Very sorry to read of all the pain and heartache he has caused and will cause. What very very selfish people to mess with your and their DCs lives like this.

Don't fight for him.

I really feel for you- similar happened to me many years ago, with a boyfriend and best friend, horrible. I felt like everyone else knew before me, and that people felt sorry for me- yuk.

The best "revenge" is to build a new happy life for yourself (and your children) I virtually guarantee that as soon as you start to feel happy again, he will decide he wants to come back. You will probably find that, despite that seeming like a great revenge fantasy now, when it finally happens you will probably feel nothing but sorry for him as you gently point out you really don't want him any more.

This bit is the hardest, but you will get through it. Hold your head up, be dignified, don't resort to slanging matches etc. Karma will come and bite them both on the arse, truly.

you ok, beam ?

Fucking hell, OP, what a pair of tossers. Some friend she is and some husband he is.

Don't fight, keep your dignity.

Agree with TechLovingDad, you are well rid of the pair of them. Vile.

Get your legal rights sorted asap. With 4 dc's to support, he can expect to be paying through the nose for this.

Am so sorry you're going through this.

I'm so sorry for you OP, I have no other advice as all has been said above, I just wanted to post I suppose to show a bit of support to you. I don't think your 'friend' and husband will have any luck at all. You however WILL be stronger

Hi Beamy

Agree with AF - prozac (or any other AD for that matter) will probably just make you numb. Numbness might seem a helpful alternative to the pain this trauma has brought you but, believe me, there is nothing wrong with youthat you need to medicate yourself at this time. You are in shock and it seems unbelievable, feels worse and makes you want to run away. But - far better for you in the long run if you take time off work (as long as it takes) to look after yourself, get to a solicitor, sort out finances, get RL support from friends and family - and support, and get support for your DC's via their school counselling service.

Beam, how are things today?

I agree it's the DC reaction that really BITES. DS twice said 'I don't like to see you like that Mummy' when X left. Argh!

I am so sorry that you are going through all this, my heart goes out to you love.

We'll do our best to get you through this, you just tell us what you need.

((((HUGS))))