Does Facebook enhance friendships or just leave you feeling like a stalker?

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I add people to Facebook with this hope: "I don't know you that well, hopefully over time we will see each other socially in real life and we will become friends."

But the people I add on the offchance, the ones I don't really know, tend to end up being the ones I never get to know, so therefore when I'm looking at their family photos and their "Likes" I feel like I'm a stalker, getting access into their lives when I have no right to be there.

Usually after a while I delete them. And that's the end of that.

Do you delete people if you think "I'm not actually making friends, this was a waste of effort"? Or keep people on forever in case they notice and get offended?

I added a work colleague I barely knew just cos I knew his surname and it was rare enough for me to find him on Facebook. Then we ended up getting to know each other and working closely together on a one to one basis for months. And what I found was that, although he never posted on Facebook, he still read. So I would see him and say something newsy and he would say "Oh yeah, I saw you said that on Facebook." I found it disturbing! That was was able to stalk my news and he knew stuff before I could tell him. So I deleted that Facebook identity and gave up for a while.

Then I got to meet his wife at a party. I took a nice photo of them both. I added her on Facebook with my new ID. I haven't added him again. He told me that he only went on Facebook for the sake of foreign relatives and never posted, and he told me he didn't want colleagues on there so I took that to mean I ought not to re-add him.

So now I have the wife on Facebook. I'd dearly like to be proper friends with the wife, because then we could all of us be friends and do sociable things. I love this guy to bits but I know I can only see him to the extent that his wife allows. So I do want to make friends with her. But all I see is her likes and dislikes on Facebook, I'm mystified by most of the things she posts and I think Facebook has become more of a hindrance than a help to our potential friendship. Maybe I should just delete her and give up.

Do you feel like a stalker if you add a "friend" who is just an acquaintance in real life who you hope to know better?

I think it's a little odd that you are trying to befriend this woman only in order to get to see the husband.

I don't find Facebook works in the way you're hoping it will. It helps you form online relationships or keep up to date with distant RL relationships, but it doesn't really strengthen RL friendships. A Facebook friend is not the same as an RL friend. If you want to be friends with someone in RL, then you need to make things happen in RL, not online.

Yes I'm with Zikes on this one. If you work together and get on why do you have to use FB at all. I have an FB account which I regularly cull of people I haven't spoken to in a while or who post stuff I find irritating. There is no one on there that I don't know in IRL and I have the highest privacy settings. I think social networking has its uses but you have to be in control of it - not the other way around. x

Zikes, yes, my mixed motives! I know, I feel guilty enough. Well, this guy I was working with also had a full time job, still does and his training with me is towards a new career. So we could only meet at weekends, so for a long time he was spending every Sat morning with me. Or Sunday. So I knew she must resent it, and I felt bad about that. He doesn't get much family time and there's me taking him away every weekend. I ran into them both a few times when out shopping and found it awkward that I can talk to him easily but not her. So I'd like to make friends with them both. Also, my husband doesn't know many people as we're new to the area so I'd like it if my dh and this guy could be friends.

I did speak to the wife a bit at the party and found her very nice.

Quiddity, you're right, I'm just very paranoid and cowardly and not very good at "making the first move" with new friendships. Also I get the feeling she's very busy, working full time and has two children.

Do you think I should unfriend her?

Good point, Mrs Biscuits.

I use it mainly to be in touch with a community group I'm in, we all post photos and share them.

That sounds less weird .

I wouldn't unfriend her, I'd keep it as an avenue to invite the family to meet up and actually use it for that (unless you do have the hots for the man). But I wouldn't use FB to try to get to know her: you don't get the full picture of a person that way.

I don't think FB enhances friendships, but I do think it maintains contacts which I like.

Thanks.

The thing is, it's like scratching an itch, I think I'll find out something if I see her page, and sometimes I do. If she's on there I have access.

Is there a Facebook privacy setting where you can make your friends lives completely closed off to you, that's not unfriending? If there is I will utilise it.

I don't have the hots for the man... but it's complicated. I miss him when I don't see him. We have fun when we meet up. I find him very likeable and easygoing company. The work I do, I need to do this practice and if I find people I get on with I hang onto them, because there are a lot of unlikeable types out there. So, if I were given the option of having a big messy affair with him, I would say no because if things got complicated I couldn't see him any more, and I need his help in the work setting! So he's more valuable as a colleague to me than he is as potential friend/whatever else. Also I'm very happily married.

I think you need to spend less time on facebook. It shouldn't be used as a substitute for real life interaction.

Yes madonna.... or... I could just not add people who are in the "hopeful of future friendship" category. I'm not on Facebook much.

I agree with Madonna. Facebook only enhances real life relationships, you can't form real friendships online.

You would be better off ringing this woman and asking if she wants to meet for a coffee or something rather than relying on fb.
I have lots of people on FB who aren't really close friends but its nice to see what they are up to and see their photos. If people didn't want you to see their stuff they wouldn't put it on their or they would delete you.
My rule is that if I wouldn't stop and talk to someone if I saw them in the street then I wouldn't put them on Facebook.

Yeah, that too. I have never made friends with anyone through facebook. To me, facebook is about sharing pics with relatives on the other side of the world and connecting with people I went to school with and haven't seen in 15 years so that I can nosey in on their life and feel envy/schadenfreude.

My real friends, I see in real life.

Ginny, that's excellent. Thanks. This discussion has really helped me to get my thoughts straight.

I've put my status to say "I am going to unfriend those I don't know in real life, if you mind, speak now." I'll leave it up a day or two and then just delete this woman along with various others who never interact with me or who I just don't know in real life. I will be more discerning.

I hope to be friends with this guy and his wife but must accept they have lived here a long time, they have many friends already and probably don't have time for me and mine. A good working relationship is a good enough end in itself. I will stop daydreaming that we will be bezzie mates.

You've got it all mixed up - business and pleasure. If you work with him, work with him. If he's married, keep out of his way except for work. This isn't a problem with facebook - men don't use it in the same way women do anyway. His wife will be far too busy to be on fb, she probably doesn't know or doesn't care that you want to be friends with her. Sorry if that's harsh but you sound like a reasonable and smart person. I'd delete him from facebook - you're not friends, you are colleagues and as long as he's married it should stay that way. You're treading a fine line here. I wouldn't want my work colleagues knowing about my cats birthday or what I 'like', whether I'm starting a diet or what my politics are.

I agree with you though about the weird imbalance there is on fb between the talkers and the stalkers, but that says a lot about the kind of person you are. I trust people that are open and people and get on with them. I haven't got time for people that are 'exclusive'. Sorry but that's just me - and that's why I love fb - it sorts the people you get on with from the people you don't. It means you don't spend years waiting for that coffee to happen, or wondering who to invite over for drinks.

I wouldn't even bother making the status announcement, just do it. You don't get notified when someone's unfriended you, so they're unlikely to notice anyway if they don't go on there much.

I think you are thinking about this wayyyyy too much. That's not a dig, just a friendly suggestion to chill out!

I think you are totally overthinking the whole thing.

If you want to be friends, why don't you just invite them as a couple, for a coffee with you and your DH, or invite them as a family out with yours to a family pub or something similar?

If you added me, then deleted me from FB, like you suggest you are going to do with this lady, then I would think you were a bit, well... strange.

Are you for real or is this some kind of survey for something?

You can hide people's post by clicking on a x beside the post. They won't know but if they want to contact you directly they can post on your wall. or comment on your status.

If I were you, I'd give up on FB altogether and join a club or something. All this angst over adding and deleting friends is making you sound slightly unhinged and I'm sure you're not. I've never understood why anyone would have people as friends on FB that they don't actually know.

What's to gain from now deleting contact with someone you're trying to befriend? I honestly would just leave her on there, you don't want to inadvertently cause offence to someone whose spouse you're planning on working with!

And don't post on your page if you don't want anyone to read it.

I do overthink things, I'm the archetypal bored housewife at the moment. I was working, and I will work again soon. I also don't know many people in this area and I really want to make friends. I probably am unhinged, but this is a good place to overthink and see what other people's philosophy is on Facebook.

I've never had any bad comeback from deleting people as long as I'm still in good terms with them in real life. Apart from my BIL who spent ages accusing me of using settings on Facebook to stop him seeing my pictures, which is stupid and arsebackwards because I only added him in the first place in order for my sister (complete technophobe) to see my photos on BIL's Facebook!!! So why would I use settings to stop him seeing? So I thought, if he's going to be paranoid anway about me, might as well be hung for a sheep as for a lamb and I deleted and blocked him altogether.

I've had ups and downs on Facebook, if I'm really stressed with it I just shut up shop and don't post any status updates, pictures, news, nothing, I just leave it alone for a while and come back when I'm feeling outgoing.

I'm posting a status message as a last ditch attempt to see who is out there and who cares. My potential unfriend list is self-selecting in that if they don't see/care/mind about what I'm doing they won't even notice I've deleted them anyway, so no harm done. All they will know is in a few weeks time itll be "I used to have x amount friends, now it's x-1, hmmm wonder who it is." So it will be a "victimless crime". I've had some positive feedback, people saying don't delete me, which is always nice.

BarbieGrows, good point. Although I'm not sure I'm completely anti opposite sex friendship. I have a best friend who is a single guy, we recently went on holiday together. But you're right, there's friends and then there's colleagues and I should be happy to just be colleagues and Facebook is not the forum for colleagues. I don't have him on my list now anyway, I deleted the ID where I was friends with him which is a superdiplomatic way of getting rid of friends.

Oh blimey, don't go falling out with family over bloody FB!!

My view is that FB is great to organise meet ups, or to keep in touch with people who live a distance away, old work colleagues etc but just shouldn't be taken that seriously. Don't post anything too personal, never criticise anyone else on there, don't post passive aggressive messages or get too involved and all should be fine.

That said, if someone I knew in RL deleted me as a FB friend but kept being friendly with me when we met, I would find it a little odd. I've only ever defriended people I have no interest in remaining friends with in any capacity.

Hi Carly, don't worry, my BIL and I don't get on anyway and I never see him more than about once a year which is fine by all concerned!

No I never criticise anyone on there, I'm as bland as custard, stay away from any controversy, never post about religion or politics if I can help it.

I find Facebook's worse than useless for inviting people to things. When I had a party I made homemade invitations and posted them. Everyone appreciated it, and I think more people came cos of my efforts made. Contrast, when I used the "event" page on Facebook to invite people to an event I was in - all I got was people giving reasons why they're too busy to come, and the page ends up looking like a one way ticket to Loserville with all your friends all saying why they're too busy to go. I wish people would just say nothing if they're not coming, but say "Yes I am" if they are. But people aren't like that. I won't use Facebook as a social event invitation platform again.

Strawberryjelly, it is for real. Not a survey. I'm new, nice to meet you.

I hear you Jajas.

Occasionally dh says the same thing, and that's when I stop using it, and everything gets much better.