hello is anyone in there

[iseeyou]

i read so many posts on here and see the same flow; after reading the reponses many of the OPs seem to have a LIGHTBULB MOMENT and think oh yeah he is a pig/ wife beater/ rapist etc etc. i didnt think of that before. i didnt realised he raped me. i find a lot of the threads go the same way. it is very disturbing. Do I live in a country with a nation of women who are walking around asleep!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Do you want to say anymore?

but you dont read so many posts by smug superior smart arses, getting a knee into those in a less fortunate position....

What IS your point?

I think domestic violence is very prevalent, especially violence towards women by men. I think this issue is much more complex than women "walking around asleep" - violence towards women doesn't have to be physical - it can be emotional - well the 2 go hand in hand of course. Violent men are often sorry after some awful attack and women often believe that they will change and this is not usually the case. I think the main point here is that women who live in these situations suffer from a complete lack of self esteem (unsurprisingly) and are often too scared to report the violence to the police, and are somehow paralysed with the fear.

I am not 100% sure of the statistics but I think 2 women are killed by their partners/boyfriends every week and of course many many cases don't hit the headlines. I think on average women have to have been subjected to violence around 20 times before they are prepared to speak out. Very often these women have nowhere to go, even though there is help from Women's Aid and they can be given temporary respite in refuges, they are often too afriad to report the man.

I know what bejeezus means. You are lucky that you have never seen this side of life and a little more compassion for those less fortunate would not go amiss.

I was raped at 18 whilst in a position I thought of safety.

I stayed 10 years in an emotionally and semi-violent relationship.

He threatened to hurt the children when we split if I didn't do something sexually to him.

I've been in an emotional relationship via phone that lasted 3 years to a pathalogical liar.

Things happen that you wouldn't ever believe in some peoples lives, maybe we are just unlucky.

I married someone who then made my face look like Id been in a car crash, the marriage lasted a month.

All spring and roses here!

just nod if you can hear me, is there anyone home?

hello, can you see me ?

< flips the biiiird >

iseeyou you are lucky to be in such a position of ignorance.

I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for 7 years. His bullying and belittling and chipping away at my self esteem was so insidious, so subtle, that it became normalised and I simply didn't notice.

Suddenly I was 5 years down the line, feeling crazy from having my mind bent and convinced that everything that was wrong in my relationship and my life was my fault. I spent another 2 years tying myself in knots trying to change myself to make him happy until one day I stumbled across an MN thread and it was exactly like a lightbulb going off. Suddenly the penny dropped and I realised it was all him and not me at all.

It may sound incredible, but I needed to hear (read) someone else say it. Until then I hadn't been able to see the wood for the trees IYSWIM.

That's why all of these EA and DV relationships are always several years long - because the abusive behaviour starts slowly and builds up and up until the victim doesn't even trust her own judgement to tell the difference between black and white.

Obviously, if I'd realised my ex was an abusive prick early on in our relationship, I would have shown him the door. Hindsight's 20/20 but I was quite young when I met him and didn't know the red flags to look out for. Luckily I do now and will never be with someone like him ever again.

But it's having been through it yourself that makes it so easy to spot in other posters' threads. Some of the behaviour is so classic, if you know the signs to look for, it's like they all read an abuser's handbook or something.

susantheslut if you're new here can I suggest that you spend a couple of days reading the threads in here, gauging the kind of advice that's so generously given on here, so that you get an idea of the dynamic of this board. (assuming you care and want to make useful contributions here)

Some posters feel that others are too quick to jump on the 'leave him' bandwagon, but so many of the women who post here have low self-esteem and don't believe they deserve any better than to put up with a load of shit from some wanker. I think it's helpful to suggest that they have a choice not to let someone make them feel bad.

Also, the 'leave him' advice is just one facet of opinion. If posters disagree with those who suggest an OP should leave their partner because of shitty behaviour, what tends to happen is, rather than offer a different point of view and supporting argument for the OP, they instead attack the posters who are saying OP should leave. That's not very constructive imo.

It's fine to have differences of opinion and dissent from majority opinion can be healthy but only if it's channelled in a constructive way.

You don't have to go on the attack to get an alternative point of view across.

Sometimes the only way to survive is to leave.

Women are people too they deserve to feel valued.

i think the 'leave him, leave him' advice only speaks to you, if the abusive/alcoholic/whatever interpretation has been accurate. If the women really is in a 'good marriage' or the husband really is 'a lovely man/ a great dad'...then 'leave him' would be so far away from the reality, it wont be heard anyway.

Like others have said, if you have been in the situation yourself, you can spot it immediately; you also understand how confusing it is and you know that the OP needs to have it spelt out loud and clear- often repeatedly.

If you havent been in an abusive relationship then you would never understand what it is like or why the abused cant see what is happening to them/ why they stay. So you can abuse the women further by saying they are stupid or 'walking around asleep' or STFU and go and comment on a thread where your own experiences will be useful

reading or being told "leave him" can be the permission needed, the waking up to the fact one has a choice. i didnt think i had a choice - conditioned into staying for the kids bla bla bla til someone spelled it out. yes it can take someone to ask the question "why are you staying with him?" to wake up to the abusive behaviour - because the relationship is based on control and belittling etc. during the years with exP i always wore black, black trousers, top jacket to work...my wardrobe was full of black. he always told me i was fat etc. it took leaving and gok wan moment to embrace my body shape...wear dresses, necklaces, new haircut draw attention to myself not hide behind shapeless black etc

if a poster gets the answer leave - then it helps them to analyse and rationalise why they should stay (all the good points) because actually what they posted was mis interpreted - then it can only validate that decision.

if they later come back with same issues and get same reaction - hopefully this time they make a better decision.

and if it all goes well - well you wont hear from them again

Because we do live in a violent society which devalues women, relationship abuse is often normalised. I remember going into work with half my face smashed up, and all the other women gave me was a sympathetic cluck. Think about it - have you never seen someone suffering in their relationship, but decided "not to interfere"?

When your confidence has been steadily eroded and no-else seems to think there's much wrong, it's all too easy to conclude this is the best it gets and you may as well put up with it. It's not so much that they're asleep, more than no-one's listening. This forum provides a too-rare voice of reason; it can and does help abused women see they deserve better and there is another way.

Some excellent points made by preceding posters: especially that the happy woman who's overplayed her gripe will leave her thread feeling better about her relationship, and that those of us who've been there are able to see what the battered wife's friends won't tell her.

able to see say, that should have been (but see, as well!)

my question was alluding to the notion that perhaps some of the OP threads i have read seem to be 'persuaded' by responses that theyre living with this big bad wolf! i see it so often. and im thinking in writing yes but in RL is that really whats going on

let me share with you i wrote about my hubby when i was angry with him (i was in the wrong too) and i was so shocked at the responses. waaayyyyy over the top. one has to realise the effect of what is written in some of these responses. my feeling is that some OP s take some responses literally and they then become their reality in RL. my question was pointing to this ... when in fact the reality could be somewhat different

Did you leave him based on those responses?

no it made me think jeez my husband isnt that bad! but thats just me and that particular situation. i would hate for someone with low self esteem, confidence etc to pick up on what is said on here and it snowball into reality for them. and i think weve all seen the posts im referring to ... these posters stay on and reply and reply for weeks ... then the OP relents and eventually will join in the rally cry of how awful the partner is. then they will share every single awful thing the partner has done to them over the last ten years. i am not belittleing peoples experience, no way but its worrying to me how posts are interpreted by OP who are/ could be extremely fragile.

I think you're missing the point. When the problem isn't too bad - like yours, perhaps - the OP will realise she's painted a one-sided picture. When it is that bad, chances are the OP's put a vast amount of effort into denying the facts to herself. We've been there, so we understand it can be hard to take a step back from your own denial.

With the man who smashed my face, people in RL did know he was whacking me but no-one said "That's wrong, you should leave him and stop being hurt!" It's a funny old world, but that's the way it works ...

If you're reading a lot of such threads, you'll likely start seeing the signs for yourself.

garlicbutter rather i think you are missing my point entirely, i think i can read and make my own mind up about what i am reading and seeing.

The your point appears to be that members of this forum are so dense and lacking in sense, they leave their marriages just because someone on the internet told them to. I disagree.

it never ceases to amaze me how stupid some people can be - if you read the posts it says fragile, extremely fragile

sigh

what a waste of energy!

you stickin' around, then iseeyou ?

no ?

a pity, that, your pronouncements could very well teach us all summat we are sorely lacking < tugs forelock >

teach you how to spell perhaps

hey, and I could teach you capitalisation and sentence construction!

win/win

:)