Husband been watching porn!

[sazzler197]

Hi everyone

Just wondered if any of your husbands/boyfriends watch porn? I was shocked to switch my laptop on the other day and the battery had reached it's critical level and it came back onto what he had been watching, porn! Now don't get me wrong i know it is only porn but i was so upset and hurt when i saw what he had been watching, had feelings like i was not good enough for him and actually felt quite jealous!! I have not long had a baby so made be feel like crap really! Does anyone else had feelings like this or am i just being stupid!! He told me he only watches it once in a blue moon and said i am the only one for him, but why do men feel the need to watch it when they have a wife at home!!?? Is it just what men like to do??!! Since this has happend we have made more time for each other (as much as you can with 2 small children) but it did knock me a bit or maybe i was just so naive to think my husband would not watch it!!

Sazzler, I've just read your last post more thoroughly.

Please rationalise this before you drive yourself up the wall! If you're thinking about it daily, you're obsessing about it to a point that will (if not already) have a negative impact on your state of mind.

Did you state your position regarding porn at the outset? Did he state his?

Did you each assume the others position regarding porn? In which case there is mild deceit (or elusiveness) on both parts which has led both of you into a false sense of security - he thinks you wont mind, you think he wont do it - both mistakenly!

You need to communicate

OK - please don't rip me apart.

I'm a divorced Dad. Looking back one of the things that led to my divorce was that I used porn for gratification WAY too much and that led to lack of sex with my ex.

There were other issues too, but this was the last issue I allowed myself to admit to and deal with. I guess it's a bit icky / a bit kind of "private", don't even admit it to yourself.

The sad truth is my use of porn meant I wasn't maintaining the intimacy of my actual, real life relationship - put simply I wasn't taking care of business enough because I was too busy watching other people taking care of business. There's no logic there.

From a male perspective porn can become a problem far too easily, especially in the days of internet - at least when you had to buy magazines it took effort, now it's there on a plate piped into your home and there's so much of it and it's so EASY to get a quick kick. It provides variety that seems hard wired into male psychy, without really feeling like cheating. Except I kind of think now it probably is a kind of cheating and I wish I hadn't because it's one of the reasons I lost out in real life.

Also the points being made about "content" are interesting. Research suggests that because internet porn is so freely available it encourages users to start exploring their kinks in more depth as they become increasingly desensitised to the lighter version of whatever their kink is (I've done some looking into this!) So, you know, if you're a fan of blow jobs you might progress on to multiple blow jobs being given at once and then on to even more unseemly stuff.

Plus I think there's now this kind of acceptance that "men use porn - it's not that big a deal, don't be naive" - I mean there's even a Michael McIntyre routine about men deleting internet history - cue huge laughs and looks of recognition across the audience. This de-tabooing might not be all that useful.

So to focus on OP question I think if you've got a problem with it you're more than entitled to communicate that by explaining why it could be end up damaging your relationship. Might seem over the top to your partner - who I am sure from what you've said has not let it get to damaging proportions. But if it bothers you it's totally within your remit to let him know that. Clear lines of communication can only be a good thing. And I don't think you're being a prude to feel that way. In the many months of "what ifing" post break up one of the things I used to think about was an incident after about 4 years when my ex came home earlier than I expected and clearly "interupted" me. At the time we kind of both ignored it and swept it under the carpet. For a long time I remembered that afternoon and wished I hadn't ignored it. Hindsight's a wonderful thing but you might be doing him a favour in the long run by not ignoring it.

I know I will get completely blasted and laughed at for this, but my husband does not watch porn, does not wank and has quite a low sex drive for a man. I have introduced mags in the bedroom in the past- which he enjoyed, and it is me who turns to the 900+ channels late at night. He enjoys watching it together, but does not access it alone. I have been with him for a long time and he really does have a low sex drive. Don't get me wrong, he's very 'skilled' and 'pleases me' greatly but frequency has been an issue over the years- I want it much more than him. He's like a steam engine- takes quite a bit of effort to get started, but when you do there's no stopping him. I am not sure which I prefer. There have been plenty of times when I have really desired a seriously horny partner, but I value the fact that he is very faithful. He associates sex with love- if we have a row he can't do it. Many women probably don't even believe it- but its true. I am the one who can dissociate my emotions from sex if I want- and just think about the physicality.
Just thought I would remind you all that not all men like porn.

Great thread timehealsall

Except that it's bullshit that watching 'ordinary' porn leads on to More and Worse Stuff. Any 'studies that appear to have found' stories are bad reporting of inadequate science.
And Priest, sex may be a 'covenant' to you but not everyone sees it that way, and people who attempt to insist that their partner's sexuality (right down to every last thought) is focussed solely on them are just as likely to destroy a relationship as to save it: living with a jealous, paranoid, whining partner is grim and a lot of people subjected to constsnt neediness will walk. Not everyone likes porn: fine. But not everyone who does like it is a monster. When two people in a couple have different views on porn they need to discuss this, find out what each other's expectations and wishes are and agree a compromise (which does not always have to entail one partner controlling what the other looks at - no one has the right to control a partner's thoughts and no adult has the right to insist another adult does not view something.) such as, only viewing porn in private and deleting internet history.,

'Inadequate science' -as every adult is different it is very hard to study us. I think its very true that many people are desensitised by viewing porn, and go on to worse stuff. Its also true that this is not the case for everyone. But we are inquisitive beings and it is logical that being able to access images of naked people doing taboo things to each other will be very interesting to many people- quite addictive. So I think timehealsall makes a good point, but what he says does not apply to everyone.

Springchicken - didn't mean to irritate you - part of that study thing came from a Radio 4 programme I heard about it with a guy who'd become addicted to porn. Most, though, from online sources which isn't the most reliable. I also personally found myself "exploring" a bit with my particular preferences. But you make a good point. Not everyone who has a few spliffs ends up chasing the dragon - some, however, do.

For the record I actually still use porn - much less often - so I'm not anti porn and I certaiinly don't think everyone who uses porn is a monster. But in OP's case here she's not comfortable with it.

Whether she might be a little unrealistic in her outlook re: human nature to notice attractiveness of others and whether that might be damaging level of control / expectation is a good question that's been dealt with lots by others. Tend to agree though that this might be a problem too.

SPRINGCHICK- here are some concerns i have with your position,

#1. I find it as disturbing as much as i do ironic that you recognize marriage only on the same low level as consensual sex, your dim (and frankly) depressing view of marriage is both unattractive and.........non-functional in the real world,

#2. I see that you fancy overly simplistic statements like "NO ADULT CAN TELL ANOTHER ADULT WHAT TO DO"..... while "cute" (in a test tube) it suddenly falls apart under the harsh application of reality, clearly your narrow understanding of the depth and tenderness that people partake of when they covenant the rest of their lives to love, HONOR, and CHERISH, one person as long as they both shall live, is .....to say the least.....lost upon you,...truly sad.

#3. you misunderstand me if you think that i am speaking of controlling ones mind and forcing them to think of you and you only!, but what i am speaking to is the duty of husband and wife to keep themselves pure to each other and to HONOR each other, clearly this sort of behavior is not HONORING the poster!, she feels rightly DISHONORED!, is the meaning of this word "HONOR" lost upon you completely?, or do you just not even understand the vows that people take altogether? while we cannot force ones mind to think on us and us only, we should do everything that we can do to protect our marriages and to keep the tenderness and affection alive, only God can change peoples hearts and work with them on their thought level, but we must hold our spouses accountable for what we can see and touch and for what we know is going on in their hearts by what we see them do.
Coupled with holding them accountable, we should let them know that it is out of love and a desire to save and keep their marriage safe from parasites that will certainly drain the sexual tenderness right out of their bed, that we are holding this standard, not to force or judge, but to preserve the dignity of both parties so that trust and honor can be cultivated,

#4. while I do agree with you about sitting and discussing what both parties expect out of this mutually rewarding covenant that they have both entered into willingly, I will have to part ways with you upon the mention of a compromise IN THIS AREA, obviously there are many things that we must learn to compromise upon but the area of sexual exclusivity is NOT ONE OF THEM!, if the poster loves her husband and wants to keep their marriage as safe as she can she will LOVINGLY "hold the line", shame on you and the rest of the posters for not standing in the gap and encouraging her to stay the course that will ultimately bring emotional security to her and honorable integrity to her husband.

Sorry to be so blunt, if you perceive me as being antagonistic it is only in an attempt to be perfectly clear.

Respectfully.

Priest: I percieve you as coming from a fucked up viewpoint ie a superstitous worldview that focuses on your sexually dysfunctional imaginary friend. There are no gods, and therefore whining about what you think a god might want is of no interest to rational people.
ANd if you repressent the catholic church then for you or any representative of that disgusting woman-hating pedophile-enabling institution to try to pronounce on other people's sexual choices is contemptible. And if you represent another branch of the christian myth brand then you are still starting from a sexist and sexually dysfunctional place.

Frankly, you show me a man who hasn't watched porn and I'll show you a liar.

Can I make an assumption that Priest is American and possibly fundamentalist Christian? That would explain the rather narrow viewpoint of what is healthy sexuality.

Again thanks for all your view points on this subject, some of it has helped me a little, what i should have pointed out in my first post was years ago when we were together (talking about 11 years ago here) he did have a drunken one night stand with a girl after a night out (at the back of a night club! Nice!),which he says he can't remember much, which he did not tell me about, he did feel so bad about it he did tell me that he had just kissed her but did not tell me about the part of sleeping with her, this came out a couple of years after when his friend told me whilst i was out and i was heartbroken! The reason he said he did not tell me the whole truth was because he knew i would have left him, a drunken kiss i could handle at the time, but if i had found this out i would have definately have finished things!! Somehow i managed to forgive him allthough it felt like my heart has been ripped out, we were in the process of buying our first house, he told me i was always the one for him and would never do anything like this again!

Therefore i think this is why i am so paranoid about this whole ''Porn'' thing that i caught him watching, it has brought back some painfull memories from when he was unfaitfull (i must add we were not married or living together when he did this it was years ago) call me daft i know, but this is what is making me feel like crap again! My DH is such a lovely person and when he knew i had found out he just put in his text...... ''oops caught out''!! I suppose it is a bit of a trust issue with him looking at porn! Don't think he would ever cheat on me again but why the need to look at porn when i am there at home available, our sex life is healthy and not boring??? Beats me!

Sazzler, it's understandable that you harbour doubts because of this incident albeit years ago. People often say that if a man (or woman) is capable of cheating once they can do it again. Actually I would say that anyone is capable of cheating depending on the circumstances of their current relationship but that's another matter. I just see these as two different issues. You have no doubts as to his fidelity now so I would try not to mix the two issues together.

As to his porn use, it clearly upsets you so talk to him openly about it so he understands how you feel. The post above by timeshealsall is spot on and a very accurate representation of how men look at porn use. It is absolutely not an indication that the man wants something else or feels less for you but if it becomes habitual, it certainly can be detrimental to a relationship. The fact that your sex life has not suffered suggests that he is probably not an addict as it were. Nonetheless, it upsets you so talk to him. Once he knows how you feel, he ought to volunteer to stop using porn and that shouldn't be a big deal for him if, as he claims, he is not addicted.

Yank,
Christian,
hopelessly rational,

But open to practical, demonstrable truth.

priest "the duty of husband and wife to keep themselves pure to each other and to HONOR each other"

Is your implication here that porn use makes one "impure" in some way and would this apply to masturbation generally?

Priest, that's two contradictory statements. You can't be rational if you have imaginary friends. And if you are going to try to peddle Christian bullshit on here (and just to be clear, so no one feels either left out or got at, all religion is bullshit and nearly all of it harmful to women) you are gooing to get called on it, repeatedly. You have every right to air your views - though if they are racist, sexist personally abusive or illegal your posts will get deleted - but you won't get any more 'respect' for your silly superstitions than anyone else/

67% of clergy and other faith leaders in recent surveys admitted to watching porn. Genuine research. Interesting, too. A fair proportion of those admit to be 'addicted' to it. The more you tell people not to do something, the more they want to do it.
Same principle as the research on those who were encouraged to buy 'green' goods and products. When then put into a series of games with others, they were far more likely to try to cheat. Being compelled to be 'good' has an equal and opposite reaction, and seems to encourage people to be 'bad' somewhere else.
I do love a bit of psychology, me.

So...yes, huge numbers of men watch porn. The new book 'A billion wicked thoughts' is very good reading for this subject. Huge numbers of women watch or read what is essentially porn too, but their versions appear in romantic bodice-rippers where they expect the men to demonstrate kindness and gentleness before some really filthy action. With men, it's purely detached 'breasts, bum, eager, amateur' stuff that has nothing to do with relationship-building or relationship-destroying, the book says.

i love porn i dont see the harm in it

Priest-putting 'respectfully'at the end of your posts does not make them respectful,more patronising and imposing
Respectfully.

Anna: if I thought any superstitous crap-peddler respected me I would be worred .

Sazzler, you are overthinking it. As for why he didn't come to you and wAtch porn instead. Well sometimes believe it or not we just can't be arsed. Sex is great but it involves a whole rigmarole. Foreplay, talking, cuddling, Yadda Yadda Yadda.

Sometimes all we want is a quick hand shuffle. Porn just helps facilitate it.

It doesn't mean we love you less, nor does it mean we will cheat. In fact watching porn is way better than him signing up to dating sites or swinging sites!

Anna--Point well made, i will stop.

thx.

Amateurish-

I will not try to dictate every little action in every ones marriage as right or wrong,

I will only encourage people to look closely at how their world-view is practically affecting their lives and the lives of those connected to them.

But as to your question, yes porn watching does put images into your mind of people other than your spouse, thus it is cluttering up your mind and making it unclean, the images that characterize pornography are not clean or wholesome, they lower your sensitivity to sexual purity and they degrade the image of man....(and especially the woman) down to the level of an animal,....... and Woman is far from an animal, she is the crowning work of God.

Thank you for your post...=)

Sorry to go OT but woman as a "crowning work of God"?? Is that why the Bible says that a woman should not speak in Church, should not teach, and is worth roughly half the value of a man?

?A woman should learn in quietness and full submission. I do not permit a woman to teach or to have authority over a man; she must be silent? (1 Timothy 2:11-12).

?...train the younger women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands so that no one will malign the Word of God.? (Titus 2:3-4)

"Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee." (Genesis 3:16)

But if we really want to get religious, it is St. Paul who actually says that a woman's natural use is to be an object of lust: "And likewise also the men, leaving the natural use of the woman, burned in their lust one toward another; men with men working that which is unseemly, and receiving in themselves that recompence of their error which was meet. (Romans 11:27) So actually, those men who use porn are just saving themselves from turning gay. (you couldn't make this stuff up could you?!)

Nice chap, this God of yours, obviously thinks highly of women!

Being alive puts images into the mind of people other than a spouse. Eyes see. We don't live in a vacuum.

Fantasising is as harmless and remote from reality as dreaming. In fact, it is daydreaming. A benefit of imagination.

Those with less imagination might well use porn as an aid to fantasy (and some might just enjoy it!) but regardless, fantasising is all they're doing.