Recovering alcoholic dh relapsed again ....help

[overbutnotout]

hi just wondered if anyone out there wants to share the joys of living with an alcohol husband! He' s been sober for 2 blissful years and now we're back to square one. He's had all of the counselling and support going and was doing really well now it's all gone pair shaped again! He's a great dad & husband when sober but I know it's not good for the kids seeing him like this .Don't know what to do for the best .......

I can answer you from the perspective of growing up with an alcoholic parent. It's not good and in some ways I still, in my mid-late 20s, have issues with what I saw and was put through. I don't know what I would've preferred to have happened differently, but I should not have seen the things I did, and my family, with hindsight, fully agree.

Is DH going to get help? How are things at home at the moment? And how is DH with you and the DCs when he is drinking?

Can't type much right now, but I'm in a similar situation.

I dont think i have anything to say that you ideally would want to hear, but alcohol was the reason i split with my exh in nov 05

He had always liked to drink but over the years it got worse and worse and in the end it took priority over everything else, and life was miserable for myself and my children. He used to stop for periods of time, as it convinced himself that it meant he didnt have a drink problem, but whereas most people would give up drinking and have a rough idea of how long it had been, as an alcoholic he knew exactly what day he stopped and when the self imposed ban would end, and he was basically just counting down to when he could have his next drink again.

It took me years to get out of the marriage , he became v controlling and paranoid from drinking and made my life a misery and in the end i just couldnt let myself or my children live in that environment any longer.

Over 5 yrs later he is still in denial but still drinking his life away and is barely in touch with the kids, i know for a fact he disappears for weeks on binges and one rare time he saw the kids i went to pick them up, and just before i got there i saw him walking along the road with a carrier bag of beer. I pulled up to his place and he walked up just after with no bag, he had given it to an old guy watching the world go by to hold until i had gone, thinking i wouldnt notice. He has also admitted to me when drunk that even though he says he no longer drinks , he has also forgotten telling me he hides any alcohol when i bring the kids to visit until they leave.

It is a v hard path to tread, living with an alcoholic, especially one who is not ready to admit they are, and refuses to understand that they cant just have one drink and leave it, they have to never drink at all.

Good luck with your next step anyway.

My friend is an alcoholic,shes 11 years sober now and it took many times for her to get there.

A lapse doesnt negate everything and he can get back on the wagon and carry on - its a v bumpy road.

My friend will readily admit she is v selfish and the only reason she doesnt drink is for herself - she couldnt not drink for someone else- in other words its your dh who has to stop with all the love in the world from you he will only do what he wants to do.

Sorry for you though .

i did recently ask exh to stop drinking for the sake of the kids, after he had been told by a doctor to quit as well, but he said it was his only pleasure so he wont stop

lou my friend says had she not chose to stop she would be dead - shed been told time and time again to stop for her healths sake but until she herself was ready to stop she simply couldnt.

Thanks it's been great to get so many replies so quickly! The dh is actually downstairs at the moment in a world of his own - think he may have just fallen onto the floor by the sound of it! To be fair when he's drunk he's not abusive - just gets really loud and in your face, thinks he's being really funny etc... Thing is he's been like that since 1pm sat slurring speech etc... Is it better to just put up with it? I want to do what's best for my kids ....

Time for an ultimatum. I'm also the daughter of a functioning alcoholic, whose health broke down in his fifties, necessitating dialysis, a kidney transplant and two below-knee amputations. My long-suffering mother has been his carer for the past twenty years, despite the fact that he was emotionally and, occasionally, physically abusive throughout their marriage. As others have said, being the child of an alcoholic has devastating consequences.

So, lay it on the line. He gets back on the wagon or the relationship is well and truly over. Anything less and you are colluding with him. I know that sounds dramatic but so many women stand by their men and the men take that as an excuse to carry on as before.

Forgot to say: my dad is also almost blind, just to add to the joyful mix. Alcoholism is no joke (as you know). You and the kids will pay the price unless he can change his ways.

Janni I know you are right - this is going to sound feeble but he's nowhere near the bitter ,spiteful drunk my father was (and still can be - his 65th birthday party springs vividly to mind!) so part of me thinks that it's not so bad. But another part of me knows that we can't live like this forever - and ofcourse it's going to escalate it always does. At the moment he's drunk 4 days out of 7 but i know it's going to be every day really soon

Oh darling, I'm so sad to hear you had a drunk for a father and have ended up with a drunk for a husband. Please please try to get counselling for yourself. It will help you understand the patterns in your life and give you more objectivity on your situation. Just because your husband isn't a mean drunk doesn't mean that he won't end up that way. My father (according to my mother - I never saw it) was jolly when drunk in the early years of their relationship. Please don't be the wife that covers for her husband. Please don't make excuses for him or think that if you do this or that it will make him stop drinking. HE needs to be motivated to do it. He needs to understand that if he doesn't stop he will lose his family. That's the most loving thing you can do for him.

Thanks Janni - will post in from time to time with an update it's been great to let off a bit of steam. Got a bit teary just then, it's nice to talk to someone who understands .night.

overbutnotout,

I would start talking to Al-anon if you have not already done so. Denial is a powerful force as well; just because your H is not the bitter and spiteful drunk that your father was does not make it any better for you and your children. Your H is just a different type of drunkard but he is still a drunkard. Many women in these types of situations as well end up as their partner's enabler. How many times have you made excuses for him either to yourself or on his behalf?.

How many people in your real life actually know he is an alcoholic?. Not many I daresay. Alcoholism as well thrives on secrecy.

Alcoholism as well is a family disease; it does not just affect the alcoholic. Everything and everyone around the alcoholic is affected markedly and to their overall detriment.

Unfortunately I was not altogether surprised to read that you yourself came from a household with an alcoholic parent. Now that same scenario is being played out again:(.

There are no guarantees here when it comes to alcoholism; your H could end up losing everything and he'll still drink. You are still not responsible for him however.

There are often elements of co-dependency within such relationships and you may also therefore want to read "Codependent No More" written by Melodie Davies.

You need to remember the 3cs re alcoholism:-

You did not cause this
You cannot control this
You cannot cure this

The people I feel the most for in all this are your children.

What are you both teaching them about relationships here?. The same damaging lessons that you were yourself taught.

Excellent, practical advice from Attila. I hope you find the strength you need. x

Janni and attila you are both right - have been down the al anon route a few years ago.H has a very responsible position in mental health would you believe! He's had all of the support you can imagine when things came to a head a few years ago - police involved ,lost driving licence etc... I took him back then on the condition that he would never drink again and he hasn't until last few months. The thing I'm wrestling with is that he's such a loving father and he's not a bad person.

But if he is drunk 4 days out of 7 (and likely to get worse) then he is not a loving father. He may love his children very much but he is not capable of being a loving father to them if he is spending most of his time in a haze of alcohol.

How old are your DCS? I do not question that you want to do what is best for them and therefore you must know that seeing their dad acting in such a manner will be having an adverse effect on them. You have stated earlier that your dad was an alcoholic and now you have married one. Staying in this situation will send your DCs the message that alcoholism is a normal thing or at least something that can be overlooked. It is a self perpetuating cycle.

What will you do when he is drunk 7 days out of 7? What will you do when he accidentally burns the house down trying to make some toast while drunk? I don't want to scare you but these are all possibilites.

You need to take steps to protect your DCs and if that involves asking your husband to leave then so be it. He is a grown man and they are innocent children, their needs come first in this. Attilas advice is so true, you cannot change your husbands behaviour, he must do it himself. I feel for you as it must be dreadful having to deal with all this. Do you have RL support? Family or friends you can lean on for help?

Havent told anyone he's relapsed . Constantly tell him to leave ,that we can't live with him like this but he refuses. He says if I want to go I know where the door is! No family near by so can't stay with them - am stuck here with him

I think you really need to tell people in RL, you need support with this. As others have said, alcoholism thrives on secrecy.

You say he is a great husband Overbutnotout but a great husband would not tell you that you know where the door is. Does he propose that if you leave DCs go with you or do they stay with him while he drinks all day? How are things today, have you spoken?

I am no expert on this and others may be alone soon with more accurate advice but would having the police remove him not be a possibility? If he is blind drunk at 1pm in the afternnoon on such a regular basis then I think it could be fairly well argued that he has become a danger to you and DCs.

Have you spoken to womens aid? they might be able to advise you regarding this. Also I would get back in touch with Al anon as you sound as if you could really use their help.

Everyone here has given you really good advice and I just thought I'd add in that it might be a good idea to protect your finances. If you're afraid he's going to be drinking every day soon then that'll be a hell of a lot of money going down the pan. Maybe move enough money into another account so you can cover mortgage/bills? One that he can't get access to. It'd be terrible if he spent it/took it and left you high and dry in that respect. It's very important to make sure you have enough to live on and to cover all essential expenses.

Thanks milkandwine - will think things thro today.btw he's sorry this morning but am waiting to see if he manages to stay sober today. Am taking dc's out for day x

Thx also philipjfry just read your advice

You can get him removed from the house and kept out. SS will back you up on this. Even if he is an amiable drunk, a court will agree that he should not be living in the same house as the DC if you want him out.

You may well think or like to think he is a loving father for your kids sake (children will love any parent no matter how selfish they actually are) but the sad truth here is that he loves alcohol more than you, his children, well everything actually.

He is neither a loving father to them nor any sort of a husband to you. He may be holding down a job currently but for how long?. He has brought shame and despair upon your family. Your children are likely confused, embarrassed and upset by his behaviour as undoutedly you were when you were growing up with an alcoholic father. They can't bring their friends home on the weekend can the because they think what state will Dad be in?. They see that their friends dads behave differently, their friends dads are not drunkards.

Put yourself in your childrens position now; your mother perhaps stayed with her drunkard husband (perhaps you wanted her to leave him many times as a child) and look what it did to you. You ended up marrying a drunkard yourself. Do you really want this for your children; this is no healthy relationship model to be showing them is it?.

Seek proper legal advice to get him out of your day to day lives. Many solicitors will do a free 30 minute consult. That may all seem a step too far for you but do you really want to spend the next year in the same state as you are now?.

Staying sober for just one day now isn't going to cut it. Taking the kids out for the day is just putting a sticking plaster on an open festering sore; you cannot fully protect them here from the realities of his alcoholism.

Not really surprised either to see that he has relapsed or that you have told no-one he has relapsed. Its the big bloody elephant in the room and fear, shame and embarrassment keep you within it. Start talking to people about him and do not keep it secret any more, alcoholism thrives on secrecy.

His primary relationship is with drink first and foremost. Everything and everyone else becomes a dim and distant second even if they do figure on his list of priorities.

You will all be happier without him in your day to day lives.

You have used Al-anon before; use their services again.

Attila has said it all and said it very well. When children grow up in a house with an alcoholic parent, alcoholic behaviour becomes "normal" to them. Especially when they see their other parent putting up with the alcoholic. This has a huge impact on them in every way.

I know that being with a drunk who point-blank refuses to leave when you have nowhere to go yourself is very, very difficult. And can sometimes become dangerous. If you start to talk openly to other people about what is happening, you will find out that you have other options than to stay in the situation you are in.