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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Recovering alcoholic dh relapsed again ....help

44 replies

overbutnotout · 21/05/2011 23:49

hi just wondered if anyone out there wants to share the joys of living with an alcohol husband! He' s been sober for 2 blissful years and now we're back to square one. He's had all of the counselling and support going and was doing really well now it's all gone pair shaped again! He's a great dad & husband when sober but I know it's not good for the kids seeing him like this .Don't know what to do for the best .......

OP posts:

neuroticmumof3 · 22/05/2011 14:54

what was the motivation for him to get sober 2 years ago? did you have to give him an ultimatum about your relationship to get him to sober up? i think you're right that his current levels of drinking are likely to escalate. you need to think of dc and the impact on them of seeing him sinking back into alcoholism. you are in a horrible situation, you can't change his behaviour so you might need to make some difficult decisions about your relationship and whether you're prepared to continue like this or not.

Janni · 22/05/2011 19:03

How would he react if he knew you were no longer prepared to keep his secret?

lowercase · 22/05/2011 19:10

i have sent you a private message.

Original poster

overbutnotout · 22/05/2011 19:43

Thanks all for your advice - I needed to hear what I already knew I suppose. No surprise that he was drunk on sofa when we got back home this afternoon. Attila you are spot on - alcohol comes first for him. I really don't want to end up like my mother so that means getting out of this marriage, just hope I can muster up the backbone to see it through. Wish me luck x

OP posts:

Stropperella · 22/05/2011 22:21

You can do it, overbutnotout. Always remember you are not alone and there are plenty of places to get advice and support. Look after yourself.

Anjelika · 23/05/2011 13:52

Springchicken - I'd be very interested to hear how overbutnotout could get her DH removed from the house. Like her, I have a DH who is a non-violent alcoholic and I have been to see a solicitor about getting him removed from the house. I was told it was not possible unless he was violent. I questioned her about the emotional abuse I was suffering and stress plus I have 3 DCs under school age who see him drunk on a regular basis but she was adamant that the courts would NOT agree to it. Is it something that SS can arrange?

Overbutnotout - I have had my DH arrested twice in the past 2 months. The one time I just refused to let him into the house when he was drunk (it was around 5pm in the afternoon). I called the police and they came and once they had ascertained that he had nowhere else to go and that I was not having him in the family home, they took him away to the police cells for the night. That experience certainly sobered him up for a while. I so hope your DH had a sober day yesterday. Mine managed almost a month sober recently then had a lapse which has lasted a full calendar month. I think he's finally stopped (for the moment) but it must be soul destroying for you when your's has managed 2 years sober. I really hope he can sort this out. Mine is a great father too when sober - it's just so hard isn't it?

Anjelika · 23/05/2011 14:06

obno - sorry, I didn't see the 2nd page of messages and now realise your DH didn't have a sober day yesterday. I so feel for you. I have nowhere else to go either - for me the only option would be to get my DH to leave if he can't stop drinking but I don't know how easy this is to enforce, hence my question to Springchicken. When my DH is sober I can usually reason with him and get him to agree that he will move out if he doesn't stop drinking and stay elsewhere until he's sober for a good period of time but then he just drinks again and refuses to budge.

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 23/05/2011 15:35

Anjelika/OP: I think SS would be the best people to speak to - or Women's Aid. I am not sure the solicitor gave you the right advice Anjelika, as I would have thought it was easy enough to perceve even a non-violent drunk as a danger to the DC (he wants to play with them and drops one of them down the stairs, he sets fire to the house trying to cook when pissed, etc).

Stropperella · 23/05/2011 16:24

You can't get your husband/partner removed from their own house unless they have been violent - and that means violent enough to do you damage. I have been in this situation. I don't know if the law has changed in the last 9 years, but I don't think it has. I only managed to get my husband out of the house by divorcing him. You can apply for a non-molestation order if they have been seriously violent to you (being pushed over and getting a couple of bruises not sufficient, apparently), but the drunkeness itself counts for nothing.

Anjelika · 23/05/2011 20:15

Stropperella - I don't think the law has changed as I have seen a couple of solicitors who both said the same thing. My DH got drunk whilst looking after my 3 DCs and actually passed out whilst in sole charge of them. The solicitor said that had something happened to one of them - say they'd fallen down the stairs or something then I would have been able to get him removed from the house but, because they didn't actually come to any harm, I am not able to. It's a mad world, isn't it? Divorce or a trial separation were the only options I was given.

LieInsAreRarerThanTigers · 23/05/2011 20:38

Hi Obno, you have my sympathy. Currently about 10 days into a 'trial separation' from dh (last chance for him to sort out his drink problem). I feel very relieved that he agreed to go without much of a fight (I said I would divorce straight away if he did not) and am just trying to live a month of stability and rediscover my social life before he tells me he has got well into a recovery programme and is ready to come back and be sober for ever. To be honest I am not all that optimistic, and feel I have to prepare dc for this to fail, whether that be in a month or a year. But I feel I need to give it this last chance. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

Original poster

overbutnotout · 23/05/2011 23:05

Anjelika I really feel for you it must be so hard for you especially with your dc's so little. In answer to your question ,yes SS can intervene on the dc's behalf as your husbands alcoholic behaviour infront of them will be classed as emotional abuse , which it is. If you decide to involve them (SS) they will want to see that you are committed to not allowing him into your home if he is still drinking so make sure that you are prepared to follow this through completely before involving them. Hang in there you're not alone x

OP posts:

Original poster

overbutnotout · 23/05/2011 23:19

Lieinsarerarerthantigers - I am so impressed that you managed to get him out of the house - how did you do that?!:) that's something I've never been able to achieve . Having said that H has been through a few treatment programmes (the last being 2 yrs ago). But that's what makes this all so bloody infuriating as we're back to square one again! I have just not got the energy or interest in helping him this time tho', I'm completely bored by the whole sodding thing now. I just want a normal happy home for my 2 dc's , why is that so difficult?

OP posts:

NanaNina · 23/05/2011 23:25

Overbutnotout - isn't this advice about SS relevant to your situation. You and your children are being emotionally abused and at present you are failing to protect your children. Sorry if this sounds harsh but that is the reality. I have 30 years experience as a social worker and team manager in childrens services (am now retired) and emotional abuse is a category for removing a child. If you contact them for help and advice that demonstrates that you are not prepared to continue to allow your children to be emotionally abused. NOt saying they will have the resources to help, but you need to get this man out of your house or leave. I don't know what your circumstances are - whether you rent or own (on mortgage) However if you continue to delude yourself that he is a good father and put up with his drunkenness (only shouting and in your face) be it 1 day or 7 days, then you are failing to protect your children and could face SS requesting a court order to remove them.

I'm really sorry but these are the harsh facts.
And yes I do understand - I too was married to a drunk, but got out after 18 months of marriage as I was not prepared for my little boy to witness his father in a drunken state.

Original poster

overbutnotout · 23/05/2011 23:37

Hi nananina - yes you are right. But what do you do when you have nowhere to go? We live in a nice area , big house kids happy at school etc...it's all very well saying go , but go where?

OP posts:

LieInsAreRarerThanTigers · 24/05/2011 12:41

Hi obno I just said 'If you come home tonight or tomorrow I will go to a solicitor.' When that time period was up and he was begging to come home Ithen insisted that he find somewhere to stay for a minimum of four weeks, and get into some recovery programme to completely stop drinking, or I would divorce him. This is the second attempt this year, the first time I wasn't firm enough about it and let him come back after a couple of days and come on holiday with us, but I did lay everything out in black and white at the time, so he can't claim to be shocked or surprised!

Stropperella · 24/05/2011 13:24

overbutnotout, if you really want to find a way out, you will. I had nowhere else to go. I went to a solicitor and started divorce proceedings. As soon as h realised I was finally serious after all the years of faffing about putting up with his revolting behaviour, the situation changed completely. Of course getting out, however you do it, isn't easy. For me, it was intensely traumatic, but absolutely the right thing to do - especially for my dd- even though it was extremely tough. Personally, I believe that having sober, responsible, caring parents is more important for children than anything else.

Anjelika · 24/05/2011 13:46

obno - I so sympathise with "I have just not got the energy or interest in helping him this time tho'" as this is what I feel too. This time I have left him to do the sorting out and arranging of help. I have threatened to divorce him so many times it's untrue but it's so damned hard when I have 3 DCs under school age. I know that it's no way to live and that if he doesn't stay sober this time I really will have to either insist he move out or divorce him but, I'm sure like a lot of us on here, we just want the old DH back and a normal happy home. I agree obno - why is it so difficult? Some days I just can't believe how my life has panned out. We now have a social worker, DH has been arrested twice and yet I function like a normal person a lot of the time. I work part-time and that has become increasingly important to me over the last few months as it gets me away from the mad house that my home seems to be when DH is drinking and allows me to spend time with "normal" people. It's all so sad.

Stropperella · 24/05/2011 17:24

I would just like to say that if you think it's sad now, Anjelika, I hope you never have to explain liver failure to your dcs. Or drink-driving charges. Or prison. Or death.

I wish all of you luck and I sincerely hope that your husbands/partners wise up before it is too late.

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