What do you do when you don't believe him

[whatsallthehullaballoo]

I believe my husband has, at the very least, had an emotional affair about a year ago. I couldn't prove it at all, he denied it, still does. I feel broken. Just seen more messages on fb (accidently stayed logged in). They are way to close. I have cried tonight like a fool, telling I love him but he says nothing is going on.

I am sorry but just needed an outlet. I cannot go on like this. I have been such a fucking idiot. But I cannot prove anything.

I can completely understand the need to have concrete proof to vindicate your feelings.

But the fact is that simply being as unhappy as you are is enough of a reason to leave.

If there's no trust there and you don't believe anything he says, you might as well end the relationship on that basis alone.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

I have been here, with a long term partner, I knew he had cheated but he denied denied denied, I couldn't prove anything, we lasted another 4 years but the suspicion was always there and it ran through everything. The stupid thing was it was just a kiss and I could have forgiven that if he had just been honest. I found out the truth after I bumped into the ow on a night out and he friend told me what had happened. So I guess what I am saying is that it might be worth telling him that if he can be honest with you about what has happened,and you know that something did, then the two of you ave a chance, if he is isn't then it will eat away at your relationship until there is nothing left, his choice. I am sorry you are going through this I know how horrible and helpless it feels.

Why do you feel the need to prove anything OP? Isn't it enough that this has made you deeply unhappy and is regarded in law as unreasonable behaviour and therefore grounds for divorce? That your H knows that this is driving a wedge in your marriage, that his actions are causing great unhappiness to you and yet he intends to carry on regardless?

Truly, you don't need proof at all. All the proof you need is right before your eyes and you have more than enough information, with which to make a decision.

what would you like to happen?

would you like to stay in the relationship? perhaps if he agreed to cut all ties with her?

is the lying (or suspected lying) too much for you to want to continue?

is there a chance that he is in fact innocent?

i think that you need to talk to him, and explain fully how this is making you feel and that even if he has done nothing that his relationship with this woman is making you incredibly unhappy and that something needs to give....
agree with Kimberjem too.... do you think you could forgive if you knew exactly what had happened?

if you do want to give things another go then would he be willing to go through relationship counselling?

If you have seen messages you feel are in appropriate then tell him they are, tell him he has to cease communication with this person as it is not on him having an emotional relationship with someone else.

There should be a special place in hell for men who do this. When it happened to me, I felt like I was going out of my mind.

If I were you, I'd go. Take screenshots of the FB messages if you ever get the opportunity. Otherwise, go - for the simple reason that he is being incredibly unfair not to tell you what is going on. The fact he is still sending her messages suggests that it's still going on. Have you looked at bank accounts, his phone, etc? Does he go out in the evening, come home later than normal?

Thank you everyone. It has been going on for a long time. He insists that they have been close friends for years and what was going in the messages was just banter etc.

I had this out with him over a year ago and it was all denied. He works in the same building as her and will not cut contact as he says he has done nothing wrong. He has stopped deleting messages on his phone but she has gone away for a bit and so I suspected he was using facebook. He left himself logged on last night. I checked sent messages and there were two messages. One calling her Babe and one saying miss you xxxx

Nothing conclusive again but over the mark and brought it all back to me. I feel quite sure that she is vying for attention (single) as she always seems to be having a 'tough time' as my husband puts it, and that he is just trying to be her friend. I feel like I am going mad as he always talks himself out of it. I do not want to leave, I love him and I believe that he loves me. But this woman is on my mind all the time and I cannot help feeling that he has had a 'thing' with her at some point.

Sometimes it helps to reverse the situations. How would your H have felt if you had developed rescuer tendencies towards a single man that you worked with and had been sending and deleting messages to that man for over a year? A man you called "babe" and told him you missed him, signing your messages with kisses? How would your H have felt if he had told you repeatedly that this was causing him unhappiness, but you carried on regardless?

Then tell me how you might judge yourself if you were that woman. What would you say, were her feelings towards her H? What sort of person would do this to a partner?

This process often has several results. If your H wouldn't put up with this, neither should you. If you couldn't do the same to him, neither should he. If you think he wouldn't be bothered in a reversed situation, ask yourself why he would be that under-invested and complacent.

You don't have to accept this, but ultimately if your H knows that you will put up with virtually anything he does and still stay with him, his disrespect will turn to contempt if it hasn't already. A marriage with this level of disrespect - and one where there is contempt, is not a marriage worth having.

why has he been deleting the messages?

Based on my experience, they are having an affair. If he continues to deny it, then you should leave the marriage.

Thank you everyone.

zzzenagain - he deleted messages originally because he says he knew I would be jealous. Of course I know that is shit.
He seems so convicving that there was nothing between them other than friendship and that he is just supporting her. He says she doesn't have friends. I know what I should do......doing it is very hard. I am considering my marriage very very carefully that is for sure. When she returns if there is any more inappropriate contact I will have to call it a day. No doubt he will trip up.

Look, some of the advice her is good- but not all. You don't jump out of a marriage just because of a few comments on FB, and some messages on a phone. ! I am frankly amazed that women are telling you to leave- rather than work on something.

I also do not see that flirting on FB is grounds of unreasonable behaviour. If you want to see what is UB, google.

Have you thought about suggesting counselling for you both so that this can be discussed openly- and impartially?

It is undignified playing detective. If you want to save your marriage then start by laying down some demands- which may include counselling.

But strawberry it's almost irrelevant whether he's having an affair or not.

The OP has told her DH that the nature of his relationship (whatever that is) with this other woman is making her feel insecure and is overstepping boundaries.

Rather than do what he should do and take every step imaginable to reassure OP and keep this colleague at arm's length or tell her her contacting him is inappropriate, he's essentially saying he doesn't care what OP thinks and is going to carry on doing exactly what he wants. Never mind that it's making OP feel like shit and eroding the trust in their marriage.

The issue isn't really whether he's having an affair or not. The issue is that OP is telling him his behaviour is making her unhappy and he's basically shrugging his shoulders and saying, "No it isn't, you're wrong."

It doesn't sound like the kind of caring, responsive, committed husband the OP deserves.

I am going to confront him again. I did it saturday night but just and just cried, asking him to tall me the truth and him telling me he had. I did not mention I had seen the fb messages. There is a lot of history of messages and phone calls that he has disnmissed.

This time I am just going to calmly ask him to show me the fb messages as the inbox messages from her have been deleted. If he refuses I shall tell him I have seen them and to pack his stuff. If he shows me I will ask why he deleted her in box messages and then tell him that using babe and miss you xxxx is NOT appropriate and that he needs to start talking the truth or he is out.

I am shaking, I have been on the toilet 3 times this morning, I cannot think.I HAVE to do it this time instead of collapsing and letting him say nothing happened and shrugging it off. I have to do something. This has been going on since 2009. He stored her number under a mans name when I first confronted him....delted everything I confronted him and he said he would stop, it did not stop as I had bills. I asked him to leave that time but bottled it and asked him to stay. fuck fuck I cannot imagine where to start. Please give me the motivation that I am not over reacting, He told me it is forces banter (RAF) and that wives just dont get it.

Well, Good Luck and stay strong and calm. Make notes beforehand in case you become upset and lose your train.
Whatever is going on here , one thing is certain, your H has crossed the line (in some shape or form)with this woman.

Thank you. I have been talking to someone today who has been there from when it all started and she is of the same mind and cannot believe that it is still going on between them. I cannot stop shaking........I am dreading doing this. He won't tell me so I know I will be on my own for a bit.
Oh god I am freaking out.

You can do it. He's been calling the shots for long enough. Time for you to take back some control.

You can do it. This is about standing up for your right to respect. Either he's in a partnership with you - in which case, he cares about your feelings and understands that you have a right to transparency - or he's free to banter & obfuscate as much as he likes. There's no obvious sign he wants out of your relationship, more that he's determined to have it both ways. And, of course, it hurts you.

It is scary to stand up for yourself when you've been sticking your head under the duvet, so to speak, for a long time. As you know, continuing to do that will completely undermine your sense of self and your confidence if you let it. Be kind to yourself ... stand up for what you need & deserve.

Stay cool and firm :) Hope it goes well for you.

I have confronted him again. He came of for lunch. I asked him loads of questions which he could not answer as he 'didnt know!' etc. He sent a message to her saying that enough was enough and their banter needs to stop as it was upsetting me. I have laid it on the line. Enough lying to me or he is out, I cannot take it. He swears nothing physical happened, was all flirting which he says is banter - she doesn't take any of it seriously. I gave him a right mouthful about what is disrespectful etc. If I ever get wind of anything again I will pacj his bag. I mean that.

He just left for work and said goodbye. I am not talking to him until I get a proper apology. He didn't kiss me goodbye, say he loved more or that we will talk later. He just ambled out the door which makes me think this conversation is not over. He looked like a naughty school boy caught out. I will not go forward with him until I get a proper apology and some kind of gesture towards making up.

Oh, well done!

Sad to hear you only got a grudging agreement, but it's a start. He probably feels like he's given something up for you and wants you to be grateful!
Hopefully he'll get a sense of perspective in a couple of days; I do wish you well with the rest of your negotiations.

How are you feeling in yourself?

Thank you garlic - I feel better in some ways but worse in others. I guess I wanted him to fall apart apologising and tell me he loves me etc But that didn't happen. I said to him 'you look like you are pissed of we me...I have done nothing wrong' and he said he was annoyed with himself. (porbably because he got caught again).

If he can make it up to me, stop the flirtation and treat me with some respect it is over. I can feel myself giving up on him. If I was accused of the same I would be falling over myself to prove my love for him.

Unless he can make it up to me, I mean...

You are right, you know.

Nobody likes to see cracks in their excellent marriage - we all carry on hoping it'll reach a sudden, happy conclusion at the last minute, like a Disney film. Unfortunately, real people are more complicated than that, aren't they? You got to your 'last minute' and the happy ending didn't occur. Of course you feel sad & disappointed, but you also know you've fast-forwarded what could have been an interminably miserable story by calling your shot.
(Sorry, went a bit overboard on the cinematic references there )

It's actually great that you're aware of your feelings around all this now, though it must feel quite alarming at times. You can't state your position until you know what it is. Now you know your commitment has been weakened by his disregard, you're on much firmer ground wrt discussion and explaining what you need. Do you know what would 'make it up' for you?

Thank you again garlicbutter.

We had a very quiet evening. He order us dinner when the kids went to bed as it was clear I was not cooking. He tried to be pleasant and obviously wants to go back to how things are so I feel reassured that he doesn't want to leave the marriage.

He just needs to stop contact with this woman. She seemed to have some kind of hold on him. He has not given up contact with her for nearly two years despite the upset it has caused me wrt the intimate and close nature of the texts (which he hid and deleted etc). He even had a couple os secret meetings with her and every time I found out he played the 'just friends' card, not caring about how much it was upsetting me. Anyway...She will reply to his message soon about him not being in contact any more. I will have to see her reply to understand more about what she sees the relationship as. I never get to see her messages as he always deletes them.

I am sorry but I dont think you're hearing the full story....there is more to come.

I would check his internet history (that was how I found out OH has a secret hotmail address and credit card account), check his FB messages, email address to see if there are any deleted FB messages in his inbox/deleted folder etc. Take him by surprise and demand that he hands over his mobile phone for you to check.

I would also think the secret meetings involved sex.