What do you do when you don't believe him

[whatsallthehullaballoo]

I believe my husband has, at the very least, had an emotional affair about a year ago. I couldn't prove it at all, he denied it, still does. I feel broken. Just seen more messages on fb (accidently stayed logged in). They are way to close. I have cried tonight like a fool, telling I love him but he says nothing is going on.

I am sorry but just needed an outlet. I cannot go on like this. I have been such a fucking idiot. But I cannot prove anything.

He's taking the piss.

Years on, you're still suffering because he can't, at the very least, rein in his flirtatious communication with this woman?

How flirting is meant to be to the benefit of a friendless woman, I have no idea! If lonely, why didn't he introduce her to you, for example? Ah, because he wasn't supporting a lonely woman at all but fulfilling his own desires and using her to heighten his own sense of ego, maybe?

Affair or no (no seems unlikely!), he's being a lot of a fuckwit.

*My apologies. Not a lonely woman but a woman who's having a tough time. So in order to ease her tough times he puts you through the mill for years? FFS

Secret meetings. Really, I know the need for that concrete proof but when my x had an affair, that time of limbo between suspecting and proven was the most hellish time of my life. Even knowing for sure was relief over the sheer unreality of 'probably'.

That you have suffered in that place of limbo for years thanks to your H is enough for me to feel comfortable in saying to you, please leave!

No one deserves a hell like that.

Thank you ladies. I KNOW I am not hearing the full story either because he has no' explanation as to why he his the text messages and deleted history on computer/ fb messages etc. He just says he 'doesn't know' why and 'cannot remember' what was in the messages.

Haven't out with her in a group of friends on lots of occasions and they would be the nights he would get texts in the early hours of the morning that were deleted before the morning. He is acting all simpering and quiet around me, I am thinking guilty conscience and that he needs to tell me the truth on all the flirting and 'closeness' between them. If I do not get the truth I can never trust him and things will never last.

I still think back to the first message I found on his phone before he was going on a night out.

"Looking forward to getting you drunk and taking you back to your room for some flesh on flesh action :-)"

That was nearly two years ago. I confronted him about it because He was being secretive on his phone etc. There were only a couple of massages from her under a mans name using bloke type phrases like 'mate and buddy' as she knew she had to 'sound' like a man.

I really do not believe him again. I think I have just had that moment of realisation that you just DONT send stuff like that and then continue it on in secret if there is nothing to hide. I can feel this marriage ending tonight. My poor children.

So sorry you're going through this but I think you're right, there is no good reason why he would still be carrying on with communication with this woman behind your back unless he was romantically involved with her.

That text you describe is basically him saying to her "I can't wait to shag you".

I understand you must be hurting terribly and feeling devastated for your DC's but you have to remember that he has done this to your family. He has given you no choice.

I am going to tell him tonight to tell me anything else that has to come needs to be told to me today. That I will not go on with the marriage unless he can put my suspicion to rest. She was worth risking our marriage for....so he must have been getting a shag out of it.

Sadly, I think there's probably a lot more to this then you've ever been or will be told. I'm so sorry, I've been there and it's horrible. Nothing I could say or do would make XH tell me the truth, it was unbelievably upsetting and frustrating when bits just came out over time.

Be strong now, and the shock of him realising you're serious might jar him into thinking straight, if not, then you need to cut your losses and move on.

taking you back to your room for some flesh on flesh action

Oh, heck. Poor you. That is so NOT banter! And you've been living with this shit for 2 years? How dare he

""Looking forward to getting you drunk and taking you back to your room for some flesh on flesh action :-)"

That was nearly two years ago. I confronted him about it because He was being secretive on his phone etc. There were only a couple of massages from her under a mans name using bloke type phrases like 'mate and buddy' as she knew she had to 'sound' like a man."

I'm really, really sorry, but that isn't flirtatious. That is a blatant affair. You are being gaslighted to a horrendous extent. You are NOT going mad, you are NOT a crazily suspicious nutter, you are a wife whose husband is using the good things about you - the fact you'd never lie to someone you were meant to love like this, the fact you trust other people to be as decent and humane as you are yourself, the fact that you love him - against you as weapons to get you to believe red is blue.

This is not mere flirtation or an emotional affair. This IS an affair. You just don't send messages like the first when flirting. Nor do people in that situation fake men's names and so on - there's no need for that level of deception unless people have dicussed the fact that they need to hide their true relationship, and your husband has been busily telling you that they're just friends. That level of deception plus the message... I think you have the evidence you need. You're just having your mind played with so badly that you can't see the wood for the trees.

Thank you all. You are right. I do not understand how HOW the hell I thought otherwise. It has been clear from the start what he is doing.

This is a horrible situation for you, and I really feel for you. Remember you are not responsible for this, and I can guarantee that you are going to have a tough few weeks ahead, but if you do nothing, you will have perhaps a few tough years ahead. You simply can't go on like this. In my opinion, the trust has gone for you - and whatever your H says to you, it is going to be difficult to believe him. He needs to win you back, and I think in order for him to do that he needs to see what he's losing.

I chucked my H out after over 20 years of marriage a month ago, and believe me, you can and will cope if you decide to do the same. I am now divorcing my H, but that is what I want, and it may not be what you want. But you really need time and space to figure out what you do want. He needs time away, to realise what's at stake. This is something that can't be mended overnight - it will take as long as it takes - and you are in control of that. So for now, please don't think too far ahead, but ask him to leave and have minimum contact with him. Then take it from there. Tell the kids that you need some time apart, and they will be ok. And they will. I stayed for my kids, and in the end it was them who told me to kick him out, because they could see how bad he was treating me (mine are all teenagers though).

You need to put yourself first. I don't think you can move forward with this, until you have your own space to breathe, think and reflect.

Old post (hope it's ok to resurrect). Wondering how OP got on.

Didn't notice the date, I thought Wwifn and fabbychic were back.

Sorry, I have a stash of interesting posts in my 'mumsnet saved' folder. I pick out those relevant to the way my life is and try to find out what happened in the end

I was wondering where AnyFucker was..