Should a 20 year old friendship die? - quite long!! sorry

[Helenemjay]

I have known a girl called Vicky since i was 4, we met when we started school and have remained close friends until almost 2 years ago, she never showed up at my sons 1st birthday, i had arranged to pick her up from work and when i called her the night before to confirm it was all still on, i couldnt get hold of her, i tried her most of the next morning at her work number nad still couldnt get hold of her, in the end after having left several messages, i gave up and concentrated on my sons birthday. Vicky has always been there for me, and i always thought we would be friends until our dying days, but she never met my first baby until he was 5 weeks old (we usually saw each other at least once or twice a week) she then never met my second baby until he was 6 weeks old - this did bother me, but she explained she had been ill with a cold when ds1 was born and had to work away when ds2 was born, i didnt neccesarily believe or disbelieve her so i just left it. But i really didnt think she just wouldnt turn up to ds2's birthday - she seemed very excited about and doted on my kids, but its exactly what happened! and 5 DAYS later she called me and made very pitiful excuses - this time and was so upset i just said i dont want to hear any lies Vicky, call me when you can really explain whats wrong. She didnt call at all, i wrote her a letter explaining why i was so upset, and i got several txt messages saying 'whats the point in me apologising - i can never make it up to you!' i said many times youd be surprised how far an apology will go, and still she replied with similar things! so i said if you cant even apoloise for what happened or even just explain to me why you just never even showed up then whats the point in me even trying, have a nice life. Now my ds2 is 3 at the end of february and i still havent spoken to her, but the truth is i miss her, she means alot to me, and i know she has a very miserable family life and has (last time i saw her) never met anyone and settled down, so she is pretty much on her own and me and my kids where like another family to her - she said so many times! I really dont feel inclined to make contact again, but im pretty sure she wont - im am stubborn but she will just think i hate her now (she very much likes to play the martar (sp?)) the trouble is i now have a dd too and i cant help but think about how much she would love her, i have been thinking about her alot lately and im still so cross and upset as to why she could just brush us off like that with no explanation, am i in the wrong or is she, or is it both of us? i cant see the woods for the trees anymore, any advice would be hugely appreciated, and sorry its sooo long

what a situation.

trouble is, if you having a family something that makes her uncomfortable - and it really does sound like on her part - there isn't much you can do about it. Can you write to her again saying you would be happy to see her again, so that the door's kind of left open for her?

Had a long standing friend - also single and deep down frustrated with her seemingly successful career. Although she was interested in ds to begin with and we'd cart him along to "normal" pre-kid type activities, her interest in him waned and perhaps we were more self absorbed. Gradually we saw less of her and in the end after we'd arranged to go out on a girly day out, without dh or ds, she cancelled suddenly a week or so beforehand with no explanation. Haven't see her since and have all but lost contact. Think you may have to let it go for now and hope that at some point in the future she'll be back on the same wavelength.

Thanks CM and LIZS, i have to say i kinda get the impression since all this that she may be a little envious, but she had a fella in her life, the relationship was always abit odd as everyone thought the man was gay before she started seeing him, and she said she'd never want to move in with him and NEVER have kids with him, or anyone else for that matter. She only worked part time teaching drama, so she'd spend most of her spare time with me and the boys, and always brought stack loads of things for them, she used to spend a fortune on them at christmas, maybe you are right though LIZS, maybe its more difficult to keep childless frinds when you have kids i have just had her in my life for as long as i can remember

Sorry kinda contradicted myslef there didnt i - although she has met someone she isnt interested in settling down witht them! - sorry my brain never woke up with my body this morning!

Call her.
You miss her, she probably misses you.

Just call her and forget the last few years.

Yes, call her and forget the past.
Just take the frienship as it comes and dont put any expectations on her. It will be easier that way.

If you are missing her then try and make it up with her, life is too short.

She obviously has issues and it sounds as though she is remorseful even if she hasn't apologised (she knows she cannot make up for missing your kids big days).

Is there any chance she desperately wants what you have got and found visiting you with your newborns and for your childrens special days really hard to face as she has not settled down yet and her family life is crap?

Forget texting, maybe call her and go out for a meal or a few drinks and TALK to each other.

Good luck!

She sounds like in some ways she was a really good 'auntie' when she was in your life by spending so much time with you and the boys and buying all those presents. And I suspect there were much deeper issues than just plain envy that made her miss the parties. I agree that you need to talk as maybe there was stuff going on you didn't know about (and what with having new babies you wouldn't have picked up on because you would have been so preoccupied).

It opens up a chasm when you have children, doesn't it? And it is a test of how much each side is prepared to try to keep things going. I have been surprised by how my relationships have changed - one has really dwindled (with my friend of 26 years who is also called victoria!), and some have strengthened that I wouldn't have predicted.

A Christmas card with news of what the family is doing is an ideal time to resume contact with her. Christmas is a great excuse to get in touch with people you're not sure you want to be in touch with.

We still send Christmas cards but she moved shortly afterwards and I'm not sure I have her actual address now. tbh she was always a bit funny abotu who knew what about her and didn't like being discussed so think it is intentional. We didn't receive a card last year .

I have a friend like this who can never have children. She has not seen DD who is 9mths and has not phoned me once. With DS it was a bit better but we certainly drifted.It used to really anger me but I think my DP puts it well. He says you need to know the limits of a friendship. I am a bit black and white and think if you can't be bothered to pick up the phone .....

Having kids does change the nature of some friendships. I have another friend who drifted away from me when I had DS but once she had her own kid I knew she saw me differently. Trouble was, I felt diferently towards her. I make an effort but she has moved away now.

If you can I would phone her. It sounds like she has issues and probably finds your apparently perfect life makes her think of what she is missing. They never seem to realise that the other side is rarely greener.

This is very I have a friend who I met when I was 5, we have known each other 22 years now. She is single and has no kids. I am lucky that she loves my kids. The only thing she forgets sometimes is that I can't just drop everything and go clubbing or to gigs all the time. I love her to bits though.
I would phone your friend.

sometimes friends just move on in their lives when we begin to have families of our own
but I would contact her now just to say hello

Helenemjay - not much advice to offer apart from the fact life is short, so why not pick up the phone and try to make contact. If it doesn't work out then at least you can know that you tried. It sounds as if this is more about what was going on in her life rather than in yours. It really has astonished me how my long-standing friendships have altered since having ds - some for the better and some have dwindled away. Go on - do it! Good luck.

Thankyou everyone SO much for all your advice - its really really helpfulto have lots of other viewpoints on it!
Vicky is a difficult case all round im afraid, her mums as mad as a bag of spanners and her dad is the biggest lunatic that ever lived i think, she (bless her) has inherited thier genes! she has a heart of gold, but she takes an INSTANT dislike to EVERYBODY she meets, she thinks everyone has a hidden agenda and they have to prve themselves otherwise before she will even give them the time of day! but i know thats mainly from her lack of self esteem and confidence, if she can possibly be dramatic and make herself the martar she will and it drives me nuts! so the fact that when i needed her to explain to me what happened and yes, i WOULD have liked an apology, she just says "oh nothing i can say can make it up to you can it?" GGGRRRRR i know i possibly shouldnt be so picky, but i really went out my way to arrange to pick her up and spent half my sons 1st birthday trying to get hold of her when i should have been spending it with him! But you are all right - life is too short and i supose if she means anything at all to me i should do my best to sort it out with her - but im so stubborn and i can hear myself even now saying why should i? she cant even bring herself to apologise or explain! and i can feel myself getting mad with her again - maybe i need to grow the hell up! but here i am tying myself up in knots again! it so sad, i found a picture recently of me and her at school when we were 6, we were so close even then!

If you really miss her then I think you should call her.

I wouldn't but I am quite a hard and unforgiving person and I would expect her to call me... and for her to apologise!

So I can see why you are having difficulty...

You are all right too about friendships and how they change - all my other very old friendships have almost died Vicky's never has until that fall out! She was bullied alot at school and one day these bullies turned there attentions to me and reported to our head that i had been stealing from the school! - Vicky went into the head office and told them in front of all these bullies that it was rubbish and she had been with me at the time of the thefts! she had done this despite being very nervous and frightened of these girls! - How crap does that make me now!

Thats exactly what im like weesaidie!

... it is probably a flaw but I always feel if they appreciate me and they are in the wrong then they should make the effort and apologise!

But then I am perfect!

Can totally understand your mixed feelings and I have been in a similar position but I think you may regret it if you don't try one more time.

I have been thinking about this today and remembered that DP knew a couple who had been friends of his for years. He met me and somehow the friendship cooled. We arranged to meet one night in the centre of London and they stood us up. Turned out the bloke was peeved that we hadn't gone to their engagement party years before. We had very little notice and simply couldn't go.

Anyway you know how blokes don't really argue their cases and think the less said is more well this was DP's approach. Well the upshot was we rarely saw them and then the girl died. I will never forget the funeral the bloke said a few words one of which was a comment about how forgiving she had been in life. He said she was always saying 'life is too short'. Despite this we have never seen him since that day abot 7 years ago. I just wish DP had had a big row and got everything out in the open years ago. Maybe we could have been friends.

Oh eaney that is so sad! I more than understand what you are all saying when you say life is too short - i have lost friends, and i know if only i could see them one more time and tell them how much i loved them, but saying that if i call her and say all is forgiven lets be friends, dont i leave myself open to being a doormat?? She really let me down and has made no attempts whatsoever to apologise or even TRY to meet me half way! - if i now cal her or write to her, does that leave me looking like a fool?

Im perfect too weesaidie!!

Helenemjay - maybe just give it one more go? Then if she treats you badly again you can walk away with your head held high and know that you tried.

I think if you do make contact tell her exactly how she has made you feel in as calm a way as possible. With DP's friends I often think that if DP has argued that we had had no notice and that he was being very unreasonable it may have got through.

I know your fears about being a doormat but a good row to clear the air makes this less likely IYKWIM.