Should a 20 year old friendship die? - quite long!! sorry

[Helenemjay]

I have known a girl called Vicky since i was 4, we met when we started school and have remained close friends until almost 2 years ago, she never showed up at my sons 1st birthday, i had arranged to pick her up from work and when i called her the night before to confirm it was all still on, i couldnt get hold of her, i tried her most of the next morning at her work number nad still couldnt get hold of her, in the end after having left several messages, i gave up and concentrated on my sons birthday. Vicky has always been there for me, and i always thought we would be friends until our dying days, but she never met my first baby until he was 5 weeks old (we usually saw each other at least once or twice a week) she then never met my second baby until he was 6 weeks old - this did bother me, but she explained she had been ill with a cold when ds1 was born and had to work away when ds2 was born, i didnt neccesarily believe or disbelieve her so i just left it. But i really didnt think she just wouldnt turn up to ds2's birthday - she seemed very excited about and doted on my kids, but its exactly what happened! and 5 DAYS later she called me and made very pitiful excuses - this time and was so upset i just said i dont want to hear any lies Vicky, call me when you can really explain whats wrong. She didnt call at all, i wrote her a letter explaining why i was so upset, and i got several txt messages saying 'whats the point in me apologising - i can never make it up to you!' i said many times youd be surprised how far an apology will go, and still she replied with similar things! so i said if you cant even apoloise for what happened or even just explain to me why you just never even showed up then whats the point in me even trying, have a nice life. Now my ds2 is 3 at the end of february and i still havent spoken to her, but the truth is i miss her, she means alot to me, and i know she has a very miserable family life and has (last time i saw her) never met anyone and settled down, so she is pretty much on her own and me and my kids where like another family to her - she said so many times! I really dont feel inclined to make contact again, but im pretty sure she wont - im am stubborn but she will just think i hate her now (she very much likes to play the martar (sp?)) the trouble is i now have a dd too and i cant help but think about how much she would love her, i have been thinking about her alot lately and im still so cross and upset as to why she could just brush us off like that with no explanation, am i in the wrong or is she, or is it both of us? i cant see the woods for the trees anymore, any advice would be hugely appreciated, and sorry its sooo long

True - a good row would probably do BOTH of us some good, give me chance to tell how mad she made me - and it might just give her the excuse to tell me how she feels about things! Do you not think that maybe i have left it too long though? - it will be 2 years at the end of Feb! How would i go about contacting her? considering its probably the last thing she is expecting! i know it sounds rather immature but id feel abit silly just calling her! Im pretty sure now that i WILL give it one more go, I just dont want to make myself look like i have given into her! As petty as it sounds, i was hoping it would be her that gave in and contacted me! - i thought i meant that much to her at least!

Sorry to play devil's advocate here but.... if a friend of mine considered an unforgivable offence not to attend her toddlers' birthday party, after 20 yrs of being her friend, I would feel rather offended by that.

I don't think a good row would make you any good, you can't expect a friendship to go back to normal if after two years you are still waiting for an appology. If you want this to work you have to start by forgiving and forgetting and then see if she can do the same. If you are not ready for that, I think you are not yet ready to "resucitate" this friendship. Sorry.

Chandra is right

You probably are right chandra! - my problem though is more than her not turning up, its the fact that, as a result of her bad home life, my mum has treated her as one of her own, she has been in effect another sister to me, and has spent more time with us over the last 24 years than she has her own family, im certain there would need to be a good reason for her to not turn up anywhere not just my sons birthday! - the fact the i didnt call her screaming and shouting - i asked her what happened, she said 'she forgot' - im sorry but i only spoke to her the day before and she had spent weeks planning it all with me, how the hell am i expected to believe she forgot? i do understand what you are saying chandra, it would be hugely stupid to throw away such an old friendship over a toddlers birthday, but the problem isnt that - its the way she dealt with it, after such a long friendship the least i can expect is an explanation for being stood up, especially the lengths i went to to arrange someone to look after my kids while i went to pick her up, she was supposed to be staying with us for a day or two aswell so plans had been made for that too, surely its not too much to expect her to explain to me what happened? if she was having problems, is it really too much to expect her to tell me, when she doesnt call me until almost a week later, and then just says "i forgot", it made me and if that makes me wrong than so be it.

For the record, i would quite happily forgive her and forget, i just 'need' her to tell me what happened, just 5 minutes of her time to sit and explain to me why she can so quickly and easily sweep us all to one side with no explanation or apology!

The way I see it it's not just that she didn't atend the party. I suspect this was just a symptom of a greater problem that you can see but can't quite put your finger on. In the absence of honesty from your friend you start to fill in the gaps.

The friend I have who can't have kids and who has pretty much ignored me since having DS 6 years ago is I suspect finding it difficult dealing with friends who have children. She hasn't told me this but I am putting two and two together. Another mutual friend has had the same experience.

I don't feel angry just disappointed at the obvious limitation of our friendship. If she doesn't feel she can talk to me about how she feels then there is nothing I can do. We did have a row about it once and things were better for a while but we didn't go too deep into things. I the end I have given up bit this friendship was never as close as yours sounds like which is why I think you should give it one more go.

On the practical side I would just invite her for a drink in a neutral place.

Thanks Eaney! - i was working on a way to get in touch, a neutral place for a drink is a good idea - will try it, thanks xxx

These situations are so weird aren't they?! Somehow it's like splitting up with a boyfriend and yet things are very often left unresolved which feels horrible.

I had the same experience with a single friend of mine.

We had always agreed that she would be GM to the firstborn, which she knew about, but unfortunately the more coupley we got (moving in/marriage/pregnancy) and if I'm honest, the more self-involved I probably became, the less she wanted to meet up. I have always really wanted god parents that were going to be around for life, so made the decision to ask someone else who had bent over backwards throughout - throwing baby showers etc. I honestly thought that my friend was not that interested and didn't really want to be a God mother anymore. Unfortunately I was wrong.

I did try about 3 or 4 times to resurrect the friendship, esp. as it was partly my fault, but she never responded which I'm really sad about. Having said that, I know that I did my best to put things right, which does help to move on.... I would give her a call, at least then you've done all you can and life definitely is too short.

Would you believe my friend phoned me yesterday. I had been thinking about her cos of this thread. Perhaps she felt the vibes.

Hope you work it out.

this thread could have been written about my friend - strange, i thought id call her as i had a baby 7 weeks ago and she hasnt met her yet - the last time i saw her was on my dd1's bday beginning of august but her phone is dead now im wondering why she didnt at least call to tell me she'd changed her number. She used to be my shadow until she met her dp about a year ago and ive seen her 3 times since then and i havent met her bloke properly. she does know i've just had another daughter as she did text me and i sent her a piccy though i have to admit i have been a little self absorbed lately. (she also doesnt have any children btw)

isnt it strange how these things come about.....your not alone helenemjay

I am still so swinging the she isn't worth it way.

I just feel that these things are about give and take and you need to meet someone half way, make a small effort. If she can't even do that then it says to me that she doensn't value you or your friendship enough, not vice versa. An explanation and apology (not just for the party but more the whole attitude it seems) is not a lot to ask, if she cares.

I know I am harsh but people really piss me off when they act like that, loyalty is a big thing for me and as I mentioned before I am unforgiving.

But, I know my view is not the usual, so if you want to fix it then you definitely should. If you think it will add to your happiness then I say get in touch.