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Original poster

My xbf is making me feel guilty about sending our 18mo to a child minder

39 replies

guya · 21/05/2011 12:50

My xbf is giving me a hard time about sending our 18mo to a child minder from 8:00 until 18:00 5 days a week, but I need to work as I couldn't afford to live on benefits.
He tells me our son will become more attached to child minder than me, am I putting money before my child? :(

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 21/05/2011 12:52

So... is he offering to mind the child every day while you work, or is he suggesting he pays you enough maintenance so you can afford to stay home with the child?

Let me guess: neither, right?

Mouseface · 21/05/2011 13:04

No you're not putting money before your child if you NEED to work to live.

As annie says, unless he is going to offer a solution to either, YOU have to do what's best for you and your DC.

I put my DD in childcare, same hours as you because I went back to work full time and my DH worked long hours too.

She hasn't 'suffered', we are close, loving and happy.

I got to have some real me and grown up time, earnt money so that we could pay the bills, have the odd treat etc and actually, we missed each other so the relationship became even stronger.

She loved being with her peers all day and on weekends, we made sure it was family time.

There is no reason that you can't do the same. It may actually be a good thing for her to experience?

ScarletOHaHa · 21/05/2011 13:09

Agree with Annie and Mouse. Unless he is suggesting a practical alternative I would take no notice.

Of course your DC will not be more attached to CM than you. Hopefully they will be close; you will always be mum.

Original poster
guya · 21/05/2011 13:11

in Fairness he did offer to give up his job but wanted me to pay him the money I pay the child minder, why should I pay him to look after his own son?

OP posts:
BluddyMoFo · 21/05/2011 13:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

catsareevil · 21/05/2011 13:21

Does your ex contribute to the childcare bill at present?

Your son will not bcome more attached to the childminder than to you - you are the one who puts him to bed, who is there in the morning and if he wakes in the night, and you have the weekends also.
You dont sound like you are putting money before your child. Presumably if you didnt have your son you wouldnt be as concerned as you are to be getting enough money into the household?

Original poster
guya · 21/05/2011 13:32

He does pay towards our sons upkeep and he would be giving up a job he's had for around 25 years so says he'd be losing out on his pension while allowing me to contribute to mine.
He said if I was going to pay that money out, then it would be better for our son to be with one of his parents, and financially I wouldn't be any worse off but he would be taking a cut in his income now and in his retirement.

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 21/05/2011 13:39

Ah, so he is offering to look after his own child? It should perhaps be a slightly different question then. What are your objections to your baby's father looking after his own child? Would he be any good at it? Do you trust him?

Mouseface · 21/05/2011 13:45

Sorry, what is the point here then? Confused

One of you needs to work full-time and the other care for their own child?

Or you both work and your DC has to go to a childminder, you should get help with their fees btw with Tax Credits, is that the case?

Original poster
guya · 21/05/2011 13:48

Yes he is a good father to our son and I do trust him, he takes our son regularly one or two days a week and takes him every second weekend, but my mum thinks it's not right for me to pay him to look after his own son and I think I'm a bit scared he becomes too attached to his father, as it it he struggles in my arms as soon as he sees his dad and cries when he leaves, what am I doing wrong?

OP posts:
Original poster
guya · 21/05/2011 14:11

He is offering to take him every day while I work.

OP posts:
Original poster
guya · 21/05/2011 14:16

I am earning above the threshold to be entitled to tax credits, my xbf doesn't

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 21/05/2011 14:16

He is happy for you and his son to live on benefits while he works but if he gives up his job to be the stay at home parent then you must pay him a living wage, have I got that right?!

Tell him to take a running jump, unless he is prepared to back pay you the same amount for the last however many months that you have been at home on benefits!

HerBeX · 21/05/2011 14:16

Oh he wants you to PAY him?

I think you have the right to spend your money a syou see fit. If he were offering to llok after your son for free, he would have a point tbh.

But he wants you to pay him.

No. The govt. subsidises Ofseted registered childminders. They don't subsidise relatives.

I think you have the right to choose your own childcare.

BreastmilkDoesAFabLatte · 21/05/2011 14:20

He wants you to pay him to childmind his own child?? Honestly, he's the one putting money above family.

If, though, he really is willing and able to look after your DS while you are at work, is there anyone who could help you negotiate a way that makes this fair and affordable for you both? Could you try some form of mediation?

catsareevil · 21/05/2011 14:21

Why not allow him to act as the carer for your DS then?

Bogeyface · 21/05/2011 14:27

Catsareevil, because he seems to to think that its ok for him to work and not pay the OP for looking after his child but if she works then she should pay him! How is that in any way fair?!

ChippingIn · 21/05/2011 14:33

I think that there must be a way for you two to work this out. Both of you love your son, both of you are able to look after him - why can't you do 50/50 care and both keep the money you earn for yourselves?

Of course your son loves his Dad and wriggles to see him - it's normal. You aren't doing anything wrong - your son should love you both.

catsareevil · 21/05/2011 14:35

Sorry, I took it from the OPs posts that he was contributing to costs. If they are both paying jointly towards childcare then I dont see why that childcare couldnt be supplied by the ex (though it would make the finances more complicated obviously).

Original poster
guya · 21/05/2011 14:40

He does and did contribute to our sons upkeep, his argument is he would be giving up his long term job, regular income and his further pension contributions that will affect him later in life and he still has a mortgage and bills to cover, he wouldn't be entitled to anything from government as he would be giving up his job.

OP posts:
ChippingIn · 21/05/2011 14:55

Why can't you both work part time?

Original poster
guya · 21/05/2011 15:06

Part time could possibly be an option for him but the job I've just started is a full time post, part time work would be preferable but I couldn't knock back this opportunity with the salary it pays for a part time job on minimum wage, I'd be worse off than on benefits.

OP posts:
catsareevil · 21/05/2011 15:09

Would he agree to continue paying you the same money, and you pay him what the childminder is getting? Then you would not be any worse off, but your DS is cared for by his father?

Original poster
guya · 21/05/2011 15:24

I don't think he would continue to pay towards upkeep as he would have no income, only the money I would've been paying the cm, and he would have the responsibility of care. Thanks for all posts, I just need to understand whether I'm making the right decisions, still not clear though :(

OP posts:
rookiemater · 21/05/2011 15:36

Ignore the situation with your ex. You know that you need to go out to work to support your child therefore you are doing the right thing. Your child will not love your CM more than you, children are very good at distinguishing between their mother who has looked after them since birth for 18 months and another carer.

Logically it makes no sense for him to give up his job from a pension perspective and I do not think he actually means to do this. If his parents are available and willing to care for your DS then it might be nice if they could do this one or two days a week and you could pay them rather than him.