My xbf is making me feel guilty about sending our 18mo to a child minder

[guya]

My xbf is giving me a hard time about sending our 18mo to a child minder from 8:00 until 18:00 5 days a week, but I need to work as I couldn't afford to live on benefits.
He tells me our son will become more attached to child minder than me, am I putting money before my child? :(

Also I would be very worried that if he did give up his job to look after your DS that he would go for main custody, so I would be very careful not to encourage him to go down that route.

He would have to be a registered childminder to get paid for looking after anybody else's child, but I doubt if there's a problem with his own. You'd only have to call it maintenance instead of fees, because effectively that's what it would be. At least I think so.

The thing is, if you pay him to look after DS can he still afford to pay you what he's paying you now and if not then wont you be worse off?

I do think it's a shame though not to let his Dad look after him instead of a stranger if you can work something out. Also then you could negotiate to have all weekends.

I don't think anyone can work this through for you though because none of us know all the financial details. But surely between you, you can hammer something out?

Thanks all for your help :)

But you would pay a stranger can you not get a night job then he can have him nights

So you ex doesn't mind you working but is against you using a childminder.

It would be lovely if he could be a househusband but by expecting you to pay him a wage then you would be breaking the law unless he registers as a childminder himself.

Does he pay you a wage for caring for his son? I guess not as you have to take a job rather then struggle on benefits.

If he is having to give up his job to care for your son then it isn't a practical solution and it sounds a little controlling

The childminder is another good and constant figure in your child's life. If I Was sending my young child to a childminder (which I did) then I would WANT him to have a close bond with that person - it's important.

Don't feel guilty.

By the way, I wasn't suggesting that you should necessarily accept what he is suggesting. What I'm saying is think about it from a different point of view. Maybe you will come to the conclusion that it just won't work for you, or that you don't trust him not to pull the residence card at some future time. On the other hand it may work out splendidly. Don't make your choice out of guilt though, as I'm sure your son will thrive with any decent childminder.

Why doesn't he ask for flexible working and agree a regular and free childcare arrangements - like each Friday? If you are going to pay stick with a child-minder/nursery and a professional relationship.

i think he's got a real nerve to ask you to pay him to look after his own child. i wouldn't have thought what you pay a childminder would be enough to pay his mortgage and for him to live on.

he is your ex right? were you married?
why is he an ex?
presume you dont live together?

what ahppens when hild is school age? will you still pay him to make up for his pension? wil he hold that against you later and try adn get more money from you? yes if he gives up work and is having the child days and nights then eh could claim maintenance from you - if he gets residence -maybe that is his plan?

work and pay a childminder you can trust . child will know childminder is childminder - and let's hope child does love his childminder - but you willalways be his mum -

if dad wants to work four day week to take him one day - fine. his choice. but dont pay him anything.