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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

feel let down by parents

28 replies

dot1980 · 20/05/2011 16:09

i have never told anyone this before , im now a middle aged woman with a family of my own and have these horrible memories of hearing my parents having sex really loudly its something that i feel horrified at to think they knew i was only in the next room as a small child ( about 8 the first time i heard ) i was very frightened the first time i heard them i thought there was murder going on !! my mother ran in when she heard me crying and tried to comfort me , this happened a few more times and i eventually just ignored them , they did get quieter , they were good parents in every other way , but as ive got my own family ive made sure my children would never hear me this way and think it was vile of them to do this , they are now in their 70s and have never mentioned it to them , but feel like telling them how vile it was for me , its 40 years since this and i cant believe i still feel so burdened by this , feel better for just typing this and getting it off my chest !!! will i ever forget this ?

OP posts:
Dropdeadfred · 20/05/2011 16:14

Did you ever tell your mum what had frightened you?
I'm sorry that it has bothered you so much but it is only natural. Can you not take comfort from knowing they obviously had a good sex life?
Or - did you ever get the impression that your mum was not happy? Was it loud and violent? Sorry - just trying to understand why it would bother you so much. When did you realise what the noises were?

BluddyMoFo · 20/05/2011 16:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ShatnersBassoon · 20/05/2011 16:22

You'll probably never forget it if you're still upset about it.

You might be able to learn to let it go though, and realise that what they were doing wasn't wrong, and that they didn't realise that they would be heard.

gotolder · 20/05/2011 18:24

My DD1 has told me how much noise DH and I made when they were young, fortunately she finds it funny. Other DCs have never mentioned it; maybe they slept more deeply!

I'm so sorry that you have this response to the fact that your parents obviously had such a loving relationship (unless there were other things going on that made you believe that there was violence actually involved).

Please try to understand that some of us can be rather (very) noisy and that we don't mean to upset anyone.

StellaSays · 20/05/2011 18:42

You obviously have some issues over this dot and I'm sorry for that. Your parents probably never imagined it would get to you that much, they would probably be devastated if they knew.

It is a natural thing and your parents were lovers as well as being a mum and dad to you.

My advice would be to not bring it up with your parents as it will likely not help you and be very upsetting (and embarrassing) for them. If it it still bothering you maybe talk to a counseller about it for half an hour every week. That is the best way to get though your feeling of being burdened by it.

BooyHoo · 20/05/2011 18:46

OP what is it about it that bothered/bothers you? were you scared everytime you heard it? i know some people were raised with the idea that sex was bad or dirty. is this what is bothering you?

Original poster
dot1980 · 20/05/2011 19:43

thank you for your replies , it wasnt violent noises , it just upset more as i got older as i realised it was very irresponsible of them to be so noisey !! i suppose as a few of you say they are lovers as well as parents , i just feel it is unpleasent to hear such things , even as an adult i am very sqeamish about these things !! sorry for being such a pain but i really think they were just selfish , i will never bring it up with them or anyone else for that matter .

OP posts:
BooyHoo · 20/05/2011 19:48

do you think it was wrong of them to let you know they enjoyed sex?

BluddyMoFo · 20/05/2011 19:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pictish · 20/05/2011 19:53

Sorry you're so uptight upset, but truly, you need to accept that your parents liked getting it on. Lucky buggers!

bubaluchy · 20/05/2011 19:55

It is disturbing to hear this I don't think it's worth telling them now that they are old, it wont acheive anything and could inflict guilt upon them.

Original poster
dot1980 · 20/05/2011 19:56

yes i do think its wrong to let children hear this kind of thing , as ive said it was years ago now so can just remember it being pretty loud , not just moans and groans !! i probably would have slept through it if it was , it was loud enough to wake me ! would not all children be traumatised by this , or am i just too sensitive ? does this happen to a lot of people ?

OP posts:
Original poster
dot1980 · 20/05/2011 19:57

yes agree bubaluchy will never tell them now its pointless

OP posts:
TheHumanCatapult · 20/05/2011 19:57

How many times have we when was teens heard bed noise and groans and dawns on us what our parenst were doing and pulled the pillow over our heads tight

BluddyMoFo · 20/05/2011 20:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BooyHoo · 20/05/2011 20:01

OP i have to be honest here and say, i think this is completely your issue. you say you have always been squeamish about that sort of thing. and it is fine to be uncomfortable about sex and not like talking about it/acknowledging it, but to put the blame on your parents for this is wrong. you may think it is wrong to have sex that your children might hear, but that is your own opinion and i dont think you can expect everyone else to agree with it.

TheHumanCatapult · 20/05/2011 20:04

I nearly died when one of my teens said erm mum next time you may need to be quiterBlush .Mind not as much as then b/f

Original poster
dot1980 · 21/05/2011 11:13

booyhoo i dont expect everyone to agree with me , the point im making is that i think its really selfish of parents to go over board with noise they make during sex , ive obviously had sex ( fantastic earth moving sex) with my dc asleep in the next rooms but certainly never had to scream the roof off !! it is absoloutly my opion that children shouldnt hear this kind of thing it can be very upsetting for them and i think anyone who feels the need to be so vocal is just trying to be for want of a better phrase " a show off " i may be a bit old fashioned in my thinking but i think sex is a private matter and not for your kids , neighbours or anyone else to hear !

OP posts:
BluddyMoFo · 21/05/2011 11:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pancakeflipper · 21/05/2011 11:19

So OP what do you think will help you to get over this?

I still cringe remembering waking to hear my mother screaming like a banshee. I mean - who'd fancy my dad????? Oh and when I found their sex toy stash..

Laquitar · 21/05/2011 11:39

We used to put a glass on the wall so we can hear them better Grin.

OP do you have siblings? Have you talked with them about it?

ScaredOfCows · 21/05/2011 11:58

It is a shame that it has affected your so deeply, when sex is just a part of a normal, loving adult relationship.

I have to say, it's not too great hearing your own children (when adults obviously!) doing it either - radio on loud in our house on weekend mornings Blush

BooyHoo · 22/05/2011 13:31

OP i am one of those people who is quite loud when having sex. of course when my children are in the next room i try as much as i can to stifle it but i honestly do not consider myself selfish to either have sex or to allow myself to fully enjoy it whilst my children are in the house. when i try to stifle the noise i end up not enjoying sex and there is then no point in even trying. this may come accross as though i am some sex maniac. i am not. my partner left last august and when we were together he was only home roughly one weekend a month as he is forces. is it possible that what you hear as a child was a few of the rare ocacsions where your parents did let go and fully enjoy their sex instead of their usual practise of holding their hands over their mouths for your sake? i know there are things i remember from my childhood that were shocking at the time and until adulthood i had the impression taht they happened often but in reality it was a one-off and it was just the shocking memory of it that made me think it was a continuous thing throughout my childhood.

BooyHoo · 22/05/2011 13:50

i dont think i have been very clear in that last post. what i mean is that whilst you may have been aware of the few occasions when your parents did let go, you are probably unaware of the hundreds of times they had sex quietly in orde not to wake you. cut them some slack. everyone needs a release now and again and for soemone who is naturally loud during sex, having to always hold back is really frustrating. can you really blame them for letting off some steam once in a while? i mean really, how many times did you realy hear them? did they often get a chance to have sex without their children there?

whatsallthehullaballoo · 22/05/2011 15:39

I also think that it sounds like your parents were maybe a bit inconsiderate. Do you they knew you knew what they were doing? Not a nice thought but I would put that behind me and remember what good parents they are in other ways. Maybe they just had no idea how upset it made you - but sadly I do not think there is anything you can do except put it behind you.

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