feel let down by parents

[dot1980]

i have never told anyone this before , im now a middle aged woman with a family of my own and have these horrible memories of hearing my parents having sex really loudly its something that i feel horrified at to think they knew i was only in the next room as a small child ( about 8 the first time i heard ) i was very frightened the first time i heard them i thought there was murder going on !! my mother ran in when she heard me crying and tried to comfort me , this happened a few more times and i eventually just ignored them , they did get quieter , they were good parents in every other way , but as ive got my own family ive made sure my children would never hear me this way and think it was vile of them to do this , they are now in their 70s and have never mentioned it to them , but feel like telling them how vile it was for me , its 40 years since this and i cant believe i still feel so burdened by this , feel better for just typing this and getting it off my chest !!! will i ever forget this ?

Hi dot. For me it's interesting that you're still so troubled by this after such a long time. As far as I'm aware, it's not uncommon for people to overhear their parents having sex occasionally. But in your case it sounds as though it was perhaps more regular?

Anyhow, I think you could benefit from understanding your emotional response - and the persistence of it - by talking this through with someone like a counsellor or therapist. They may help you to understand why, as a child, it troubled you so much. Children often find it really hard to think of their parents as lovers, and it seems perhaps you have carried this in to adulthood? I wonder if you knew really what sex was when you first heard them, and whether your first impressions of what was happening (can you recall what you thought that first time?) have stayed with you ever since. Sex is such a hidden activity and so different from the rest of family life that hearing it when young could shock you, especially if you were a sensitive child. Perhaps this is what happened to you, and when you heard the noise repeatedly, you continued to feel unsafe in some way.

However, this is all just guesswork of course. I really do think a counsellor or therapist would help you understand this better. I don't think it's a great idea to talk to your parents about it now.

ovumahead thank you for your response , i think the first time i heard them i thought it was something violent going on , i dont know when it dawned on me what it actually was they were doing , i was a sensitive child as you said , i am indeed probably a sensitive adult (although people who know me prob wouldnt agree with that ) i did feel very frightened the first few times i heard them , i felt and still feel really let down by them and their selfishness , i love my parents dearly but do have a lot of disgust in them especially my mother as i feel as a mum myself its something i would never make my dc endure , and as the person above you says i will just have to put this behind me

Well I think from what you've said you could really benefit from talking this through with a therapist. Just trying to put it behind you won't make all the negative feelings go away. You may well discover your feelings are so strong about that situation for reasons you have not yet pieced together yourself. Please seek counselling, even if it's just a few sessions - it will definitely help you to move on.