dh on married dating internet sites.

[phantomcat]

While my dh was away recently I found an email from Illicit Encounters online dating agency saying his membership was just about to run out, also there were several other emails from similar agencies. When I looked in his sent mail box
I found seven emails to women with his photo attached, also one had a letter
saying how he enjoyed chatting to her and that he thought they would click
emotionally and phyisically, he didnt want a one night stand and maybe they could meet for a date and maybe more. Totally shocked I looked through his bank statements and found a transaction for Easy Date. uk another dating agency, this was dated 2008.

Over the years, we have been together for 17 years there have been many times he has disappeared for hours at a time, late home from work and not being able to reach him on his mobile.
When I confronted him with what I found he denied doing anything wrong, said emails were spam mail and that someone must of hacked into his computer and sent out the emails from him, is this possible? Promised he had never been unfaithful and would never risk our marriage and hurt our 2 dc.
First I wanted to believe him, but I feel so devastated by this, every thing goes around and around in my head there are just too many things for there not to be something going on. Hes always loved female attention and I think going with married women keeps it safe in that they wont want him to leave me, so basically he gets the excitment of an affair and all the comforts of home.
I never thought he would do this to me, I love him very much and I go over and over this with him and he wont admit to anything I just dont know what to do. I am heart broken and my life has fallen apart, why are men like this?

I'm so sorry he's being such a shit. It's bad enough to do what he's done, but to keep lying to you? That is awful. How can he be such a shit?

I agree, call his bluff, call the police in front of him to report fraud. Tell him you need to ring his bank and cancel all his cards to prevent further fraud. See what he says then.

You know in your heart he has lied. Go on holiday without him and come back knowing what you want to do so that you won't waver when he lies some more.

don't bother with the police - you know it's not fraud, he knows it's not fraud. Your husband has been looking for sex with other women, you dont need to prove it - you have seen the proof already. Please go on holiday without him - tell him you need time apart until he is prepared to be honest.

I personally think that a man this dishonest and unkind will never change or be the man you want him to be, so you need to get away. Im sure that over the years he has made you unhappy in other ways hasn't he?

I feel absolutely aghast at your husbands profound belief that he can lie his way out of this and even thinks you will believe him as he keeps up the facade.

This for me ranks up there as one of the most appalling situations I have read on this board.

You have two options;

You say you love him and want the marriage to continue and he is pleading innocence - You can ignore it and carry on.

Get divorced from him.

You must remember that you have a choice which way to take it. Take your time and do what you feel is right for you. Do not try to work out what he is thinking, work from your own standpoint. I always think situations make us evaluate ourselves and what we want/need. Your H has shown himself to be thinking of himself, it is time for you to do that whatever the outcome so that you are content and at peace with yourself.

It is clear you are being gaslighted by your husband, I'm afraid. His utter contempt for you and for reality are quite frightening.

Please do go on holiday without him - and tell somebody in real life what's happening. I suspect your friends will turn out not to have been so deceived by him as you think.

While you're away, you might benefit from reading Lundy Bancroft's "Why Does He Do That?" It's mostly about physical and verbal violence, but you'll find stories you recognise in there, too.

Your husband is a gas lighting abuser, you know this right.

He is the type to have wifey at home, show the world what a fine figure he is. Then fuck about behind your back.

His excuses are outrageous, my 3yro could lie better. He thinks you are the stupid, little, wifey who will swallow any excuse to stay married to his golden knob.

If you have been abused it can be hard to leave, as you have been so run down by such an egotistical tosser.

He is treating you with contempt and like you are stupid, because he has conditioned you to swallow it.

Call him on it.

Just tell him that clearly fraud has occurred as these amounts have been debited and you are going to further contact the police as goodness knows what else these,ahem, hackers have cloned. Seriously behave as if you totally buy his sorry tale and force his arm.....this will teach him a lesson he won't forget. Also let him know that they can trace what computer these details came from .......watch him squirm. Let him know you have had a conversation already and have been advised to contact the banks etc so they can carry out their own investigations and see what other companies have accessed your accounts 'fraudulently'.
In terms of your own investigations, plunder these accounts and contact these women for confirmation of what you already really know....
Personally I would save myself a whole lot of unnecessary grief and call time on this lying little smuck and figure I had invested too much of my life in this sham of a marriage to a snivelling waste of human protein.
I accept some have to play a longer game.

There's something wrong with him, you know that don't you?

If only he'd just admit it to you, I think eventually when he realises you've got him he probably will confess, but then you won't know how much is true.

I remember that illicit encounters as my sister's oh was on there, and she was showing me it and I came across a bloke I knew who was supposed to be very happy in his relationship, his reason was he loved his gf but had a very high sex drive. This site, gives you tips on how to have affairs and not get caught,excuses to use etc. I couldn't believe it when I read it! It is aimed for people who supposedly love their partner, but want more fun outside the relationship. The only comfort you have from that (if there is any) is that he didn't want to leave you and his family but have an outside fling, now I'm not saying this is acceptable far from it, but I am saying if he admitted, there may be a small chance you could work through it. If he doesn't come clean you will always imagine the worst happening.

I think you could do with some time on your own and he could to let this sink in, he needs to realise you know and he has to start dealing with it!

If it really was "hackers" or mate "having a laugh" he would have been so appalled when it first happened he would have been so worried that you would have found out that he would have told you.

I have mentioned this to an IT expert at work, who said that it is very unlikely, unless there was a huge financial gain to the "Hacker".

Look after yourself xx

one of the sites on my Hs collection had a 'boss coming look busy' button which bought up a pie chart when clicked on