dh on married dating internet sites.

[phantomcat]

While my dh was away recently I found an email from Illicit Encounters online dating agency saying his membership was just about to run out, also there were several other emails from similar agencies. When I looked in his sent mail box
I found seven emails to women with his photo attached, also one had a letter
saying how he enjoyed chatting to her and that he thought they would click
emotionally and phyisically, he didnt want a one night stand and maybe they could meet for a date and maybe more. Totally shocked I looked through his bank statements and found a transaction for Easy Date. uk another dating agency, this was dated 2008.

Over the years, we have been together for 17 years there have been many times he has disappeared for hours at a time, late home from work and not being able to reach him on his mobile.
When I confronted him with what I found he denied doing anything wrong, said emails were spam mail and that someone must of hacked into his computer and sent out the emails from him, is this possible? Promised he had never been unfaithful and would never risk our marriage and hurt our 2 dc.
First I wanted to believe him, but I feel so devastated by this, every thing goes around and around in my head there are just too many things for there not to be something going on. Hes always loved female attention and I think going with married women keeps it safe in that they wont want him to leave me, so basically he gets the excitment of an affair and all the comforts of home.
I never thought he would do this to me, I love him very much and I go over and over this with him and he wont admit to anything I just dont know what to do. I am heart broken and my life has fallen apart, why are men like this?

You are allowing him to assert control over this situation via his domineering response and emotional blackmail re the holiday. Why he would imagine you would want to be within twenty foot of him is quite incredible.......
He has got serious problems and is untrustworthy. How dare he even utter the patronising stuff about you going on. He should be grovelling if he had any regard for you. Clearly he doesn't and you should afford him no leverage in response. Tell him to leave. You need to have some head space and time to remove yourself emotionally. The holiday biting the dust really is the least of it.

Ps love the idea of calling the police! You could tell him you have and see how he responds........

I hope he is enjoying winking and sniggering at himself in the mirror each morning. Twanker.

Get out. Leave him to face his own skid marks and farts and deceit and dirty secrets.

Withdraw any available cash, grab a friend and go to Greece for a few days.
(Tell him that you believe him and you need some time to think about why you are so paranoid that he is being unfaithful. A twat like this will believe you they are so 'special' to themselves )

So have a holiday, get a solicitor, go back and ... if he is still mooning around after you, (ie pretneding) then say weakly and with big limpet eyes, that you have thought and thought, and taken some advice, and checked out the IP addresses of the posts you have seen on shag.com, and you would appreciate him leaving for a couple of days only, while you come to terms with it.

He goes with a toothbrush and bad grace.

Never let him back.

Ofc he is lying. You can sort of see why from your limited postings. This man is a nasty, selfish, self entitled, egotistical, bullying abuser.

He wants the wife and kids to show what a great guy he is to the outside. But he screws around to please himself and you dare pipe up, he becomes nasty, emotionally abusive, threatening the family status quo, the kids happiness. So you have to put up and shut up as with his twisted logic any fall out will be your fault.

What a nasty character.

It would be outrageously unfair on you and especially the DCs if you all lost your holiday because of this horrible man's actions, so I wouldn't even consider cancelling - but get someone else to take his place.

His denials show utter contempt for you and that's not surprising, given that he has been deceiving you for three years. He obviously thinks he's bomb-proof. Please disabuse him of that delusion.

The best way to deal with a man like this is to expose him to the wider world, but for you personally, the only way you will ever be happy again is to get away from him. Tell him tonight that he has insulted your intelligence and you know without a shadow of a doubt that he has been unfaithful.

So he's going to punish the children because his little wife won't do as she's told, when she's told?

This man is an abuser and you need to remove yourself and your children from what will inevitably become a debilitating and destructive environment. He has had, is having and will continue to have sex outside of your relationship but what is more worrying is his use of manipulation and aggression. Now you've exposed the truth of your marriage these traits will only get worse (I'm not saying he will be violent more that he will play you until your self esteem and respect and ability to distinguish truth from fiction is totally eroded), get out as soon as you can.

He's not going to tell you the truth, regardless of whether you stay or go. EVER. There is no gain in it for him and this man is clearly all about self interest. You need to look objectively at the proof you have and make peace with the fact that this is all your likely to know but that it is enough to make a decision with.

So sorry that this is happening to you.

"Last night he threatened to cancel our holiday the dcs are looking forward to at halfterm as I would just keep on at him while there."

As others have said, tell him you've called the police/he should call the police as the 'hackers' have taken money from his account. Whether he does or not (although of course he won't) doesn't matter. The next bombshell is that you and the kids are going on holiday without him.

What a disgusting man. I have never read a thread and thought this outright, but the evidence is blinding, and the timescale is vast. Leave this man and don't pussyfoot around it. Just go.

You may (if you can be bothered) want to look thro' his phone at messages sent (surprising how many forget to delete them), his bill for the mobile (itemised?) and if he has a computer at work can you access it or have the IT dept access it (history, sent items etc) because the hackers may have got in there as well

I agree with what everyone here has said, and would add that as a matter of urgency that you copy and forward all the emails to somewhere safe, and that you hide the bank statements similarly. You don't want him deleting/destroying the evidence and playing mindgames with you. If I were you, I'd change your own email and passwords to something that he doesn't know as well. The advice about attending the GUM clinic is sadly also very relevant. A man who is fine with cheating on you with numerous other women over a long time, is also possibly not using condoms.

It sounds as though leaving him is your only option. It's a longterm deception that he has practiced, and now that he has been discovered he is turning nasty. You need to decide whether you can be with someone like that. Best of luck to you, I hope things work out

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1101493-Husband-on-online-dating-chat-sites

I hope your story has a more positive ending - I'm divorcing my h xxx

How are things going with you OP?

Men are so full of shite !!!! My partner come out with all the same excuses. I think you need to go to conuselling and find out why !!!! Once you do this then perhaps you can move forward whether it is with him or not !!!! My partner has never said why, but sometimes, i just think it is the thrill of it all, they chase, another Fannie, and all the attention , no matter how much they are getting at home , Men like ours will grow old very lonely, it they do not start realising their actions . Ask him how would he feel if you did the same to him !!!!

any updates, OP

how are things ?

Unable to post earlier as dh has been around all weekend. Confronted him again on friday evening, still denies everything and got very tearful and said he couldnt believe that I would think he has done anything that i am accusing him of. Still blames emails on hacker and doesnt know anything about the bank statement transaction. When I listen to him its hard not to believe him, he swears he loves me and has never been with another women in the last seventeen years we have been together. I asked him if he has just been on these sites to just flirt and talk to women but he says he never has. I dont want my marriage to break up as he is a wonderful dad and despite all this I do love him, but I cant live with someone who I cant trust, I am totally confused at the moment and really dont know what to do.

oh dear

am not really sure how he can deny everything, bearing in mind all the evidence

have you suggested calling the police to investigate this "hacking" ?

online crime is taken very seriously these days, you know

Oh phantom. You know he is lying. This man is awful and seriously deceiving you. He is not a loving dad if he can treat the mother of his child like this. Of course it's not hacking - there were emails written by him and money out of his account. Please get away from him - you need real life support.

He is lying. Go away without him, and get rid asap afterwards.

There is the possibility that he was on the sites, sent emails and pics but didnt meet the women, some men get their kicks from the virtual world but only you really know what he has done, dont you think?

Ok Phantomcat; I'm sorry you are going through this

It is absolutely not possible for the computer to have been 'hacked'

Illict encounters is a fully functional matching site for people who want to have affairs. You have to enter information about yourself and pay a fee for membership in order to contact other members.

I know this because after my H died, I went into his computer and found his membership to this particular site and several others. I was able to read conversations he had with other women on the message sections of his accounts. I also read his profile which he renamed himself/changed his age etc and even mentioned he was married with DCs and was looking for some extra cirricular fun.

Your H is lying I'm afraid. This is not to say that he has actually met any of these women.

I think you need to ask him to not lie to you any further as the outcome is going to be far worse than it already is.

Again I am sorry for you in this situation

Oh, phantom. Of course you feel bewildered. 17 years is a long time to be in love with someone you don't know :(

When I listen to him its hard not to believe him, he swears he loves me and has never been with another women ... I dont want my marriage to break up as he is a wonderful dad and despite all this I do love him

The man you love is not the man who's lying through his teeth and playing you for a fool. That man is relying on you to be so desperate to keep your fantasy marriage alive, you'll be willing to believe any old crap. Even when the truth is staring right at you.

I underttand why you want to believe there's some conspiracy behind it, or that he was only window-shopping (though that in itself would be reason enough for divorce.) It's as though you've gone through life cheerfully thinking grass was purple, then suddenly found out you were wrong - a huge reality shift. I know what that feels like, and I'm very sorry for you.

But you need to face it. Sooner the better, and then get angry.
Carry on like this, you'll end up with a breakdown.

Hugs & sympathy.

I did suggest reporting the hacking to the police to dh but he said they wouldnt do anything as there was no fraud envolving money, and that this sort of thing happens all the time. I asked why anyone would do this sort of thing and how would they know what he looked like as they used his photo, also on one of the letters he called the women by the pet name he uses for me, which hurt really badly. He said there are loads of people who know I call you that, he thinks I am totally stupid, he has a very persuasive way of talking and normally I would believe his explanations but not this time and he knows it.
I have to go to the doctors and then work after but will post later. thank you all for your support in this as I am not discussing this with anyone else at the moment.

phantom - Im glad you dont believe him - and I hope that his lies are so outrageous that you will be able to see that he is not the good father and partner he wants you to believe. It is appalling that he would try to lie like this - yes, he thinks you are stupid and he thinks what you believe doesn't matter.

Of course this is not hacking - there is absolutely no way somebody could do this. I'm actually worried for you being around a man this unpleasant and decietful. Do you know the expression gaslighting? Google it.

You need to have faith in your own senses and your own instinct.

You are not safe with this man - what is happening here is abusive. If you dont want to speak to your friends about it - then call Womens Aid.

"that this sort of thing happens all the time. I asked why anyone would do this sort of thing and how would they know what he looked like as they used his photo, also on one of the letters he called the women by the pet name he uses for me, which hurt really badly."

Of course his email hasn't been hacked! You need to tell him that you do not believe him, that he is talking bollocks.

"I did suggest reporting the hacking to the police to dh but he said they wouldnt do anything as there was no fraud envolving money"

The credit card transactions you found weren't money? He's covering, I'm so sorry Call his bluff. Call the police, tell him it's just to check if they do take it seriously. Watch for the panic in his eyes. If he doesn't blink when you call, watch him when the officer comes round and he tries to explain it to them, or refuses to talk to them. Read his reactions. He's playing you.

"he thinks I am totally stupid"

So sorry, but this is exactly how it seems.