How do I get over my broken heart?

[SadVillageGirl]

I just don't know what to do...I spent last week on the Acute Mental Health Assessment Unit because I wanted to kill myself. I am now being visited at home so that side is being care of so don't worry about my mental state. I think it was just the shock. Briefly...been with H 16 years - both of us fresh out of other marriages. TBH our marriage wasn't fantastic - he used to ignore me, walk away from me, tell me off for crying (when I had a miscarriage), he was emotionally cold. I had severe PND and he wasn't able to support me emotionally and I had a breakdown and divorced him. However we got back together (this was 8 yrs ago) and although living in separate houses I used to spend every weekend at his with the children and we would speak several times in the day. I thought we were ok, despite our strange living arrangements, we both got a bit of space but still loved each other. He is still quite a cold person but I learned to accept it. Anyway, 6 weeks ago he sent me a lovely email telling me he loved me. Eight days later he finished with me - saying that he didnt love me anymore. I took the children to Spain for a few days and then the day I got back he emailed me to say he has met someone else. This devastation has now lasted about 4 weeks of constantly thinking about him and her etc. The final straw was week last Sunday when I found out the woman is a work associate of mine - he didn't know this (he met her in the gym) but he took the kids round to hers and they told me her name. Basically I just crumbled and decided that I wanted to die, hence being admitted to the pscyh hospital. Anyway all I want to know is how do I get rid of this pain inside me? How do I stop picturing them having sex? How do I stop picturing him kissing her or holding her hand or cooking for her? How do I stop picturing him running her a lovely bath. I really feel that I've gone demented. I've got good support around me and I'm keeping busy. I just feel so sad :(

Don't worry you are just a human being experiencing very intense grief.
Try to meditate: take all your awareness to your breathing and stay focussed at the centre of your chest,let thoughts come and gently turn them away then get back to concentrating on your breathing, the brain tortures you by playing images of him e.t.c but just try to keep your mind on the breath entering and leaving your body.
Its the only thing that kept me sane when experiencing something similar a year ago good luck x

Hello there, I am really sorry to read what you are going through at the minute and don't really have any great advice for you except what I would do or have done to cope before when dealing with heartbreak.

Firstly though, you need to get strong for the sake of your children, I'm sure that you love your children more than anything therefore they are worth living for and you can have a lovely life being in love with them and them loving you.

Next I would ask if you have any family members you can talk to or friends that can help you sort things out in your head or even just someone to phone when you are feeling desperate or down.

You need to stop picturing him and really picture how your children would be without you and how horrendous their life would be and how wonderful their life will be with you in it.

You can get through this and you will get through this, you just need to try to focus on getting through each day.

Hi sad, I am nearly a year on from finding out my DH was having an affair with a work colleague. I was so low I didnt want to live, my GP has been amazing and with the help of friends I am now moving in the right direction and the old adage of time is a healer is really true, I still love him but realise that the person I love isnt the same person now. It is really hard and it is a case of getting through each hour and then day, week etc.

Sorry but there isnt any easy ways to get through this. Plod on and you will get there. If I can do it you can too.

Just an idea here, but after i'd got over my heart break (honestly I don't even think about him any more ever, that's how significant he was in the big picture of my life) I read about a Paul McKenna book/cd something like "I can help you get over heartbreak" and honest to god if it was out at the time I would have bought it like a shot. Why don't you have a look on amazon? There just might be something there that can help you.

Thanks Linda and Romney. Yes I will order that book. I am already reading a book along similar lines that is helping a little. I think I will try the breathing too. I am on quite a bit of medication since I came out of hospital because the anxiety is awful. I just feel so sad, I thought we would be together forever and we even looked at a house the week before with a view of living together as a family again. It's just such a shock. How do you stop loving someone?

You just do, it might take a little bit of time but you will get through this there is no doubt about it.

Do you have time to exercise at all, it is amazing how good a little bit of exercise is for clearing the mind and making you feel that bit better.

LonelyLinda is right. What you should be concentrating on is your children. This will benefit both them and you.
If you are contemplating suicide you must stop.
This would have such a profound effect on the lives of your children and would stay with them for ever.
Be strong and brave.

Gawdon my children are staying with H for the last 2 weeks whilst I was in hospital/came out. Only because I'm quite dopey with the medication and I know they will be safe with him. I joined a gym 2 weeks ago although obviously I've not been recently but will try and get back into it next week. I'm no longer contemplating suicide, I just seemed to have a severe shock reaction when I found out who the OW is. I love my children and I hope one day I will love myself again. Just feel so rejected, unwanted, unlovable.

When you think of the OW, just think about how low a person she is. She has no morals, she has no compassion or empathy, she is a home wrecker. She is ugly on the inside, as is your ex tbh.

You are better than both of them and I hope you get well soon. You DO deserve better although believe me; I know how hard it is to believe it as I always blame myself.

Your ex sounds like a right knob.

Toptramp that is such a lovely message, thankyou so much xx

Remember: this too will pass, this too will pass.
There will come a day when you look back and think, 'I'm well rid of that knob.' You'll get there.

It will get better, it honestly will.

And if you find you are thinking about them, think about how he will be treating her in a few months once the novelty has worn off. She will be the one being ignored, and wondering why he is being cold to her. Leopards spots rarely change.

And while she is getting that treatment, you will feel stronger, happier, free to do whatever you want in life, and one day, you will honestly think "thank god someone else is putting up with his shit and not me".

It sounds like you are imagining him giving her the love he seemed to refuse to give you. I say 'seemed' because there was never any hidden treasure trove he was hiding.

He is still the same person. The idea that there was love hidden inside him - is untrue.

If he was a loving, warm man you would already know it. Would have known it long ago. If he was a warm loving man he would never have reacted angrily to your tears or refused you support in your suffering.

Reading the history of your relationship, it sounds like you complied and worked with him in endless ways to nurture the relationship and tried and tried to spark some warmth in this cold, cold, shallow man. You are warm and lovely, that is why you are feeling the grief of the end of all your efforts. Your grieving is natural, but don't torture yourself by imagining an illusion is somehow real. Your own experience tells you otherwise.

You can catch yourself whenever any form of painful imagining comes to mind, and correct it with the truth of your experience of him, being who he is.

You have been set free. It just takes some time to come to grips with the freedom.

When something similar happened to me, and a city boy playwright broke my heart - I went on holiday deep in the country, cancelled my theatre subscription, and signed up for a math class. It helped.

Thanks Terra, what you have written is exactly true. I think I will print out your words and keep them close to remind me when Im having a wobble. All i can think of at the moment is the (few) lovely times we had instead of the many bad times. Thankyou so much xx

You WILL be better, I promise that. At the moment this is all so raw for you but there will be a time, and that time will come, definitely, when you'll think back and remember how terrible you felt and wonder why. If that makes sense.

Has anyone else got any words of encouragement for me? I feel so low. When he has the girls (9 & 10) at the weekend, the OW is coming over and spending the whole weekend with them. The girls came back with their hair french plaited - the OW did that and it hurts that she is getting on an intimate (i don't mean sexual obviously) level with them. That's a job for me their mum. After Coronation St last night my 10yo dd said that she would make herself sick if it meant me and daddy got back together (the Tracey/Amy/Steve storyline). My heart is breaking. I know realistically that he is not a loving, caring man and he cannot meet my emotional needs but I feel so desperately sad. I am still on Amber care of the CRISIS team which means I am seen every 48 hrs and part of me doesn't want them to leave me either :( Please help me xx

You need to be strong for yourself and for your kids. But christ knows it's not easy.
There's an old Japanese proverb: 'Fall down seven times, stand up eight.'
Try to keep that in mind when things are tough as they are now.
You'll survive and these feelings will not last forever.

Im so sorry you are so sad, you have to take baby steps, one step at a time slowly, try to tell yourself over and over the things about him that pissed you off, the reasons why you divorced him the first time.

I you feel it is too soon for the children to be playing happy families with this woman then tell your ex that it is not acceptable, it is too soon, it's only been weeks, he should have waited at least six months.

Things do get better, initially it is the hardest thing ever, the grief is just enourmous, you are grieving for the end of a long relationship, it has to be mourned.

It takes time to grieve but you will get there slowly but surely.

Take care of you right now.

I am so sorry to hear what you are going through.It has obviously all come out of the blue to you,just when you had hope that things were better.

That is why you are experiencing such intense grief.It is not possible to get your head around something like this quickly.It will only get better over time.But it won't always feel this acute.That is shock.

He must have planned this for a long time - all the time he was still convincing you that things were good.So he is really not the man you took him for.That is also shocking,to have been deceived on such a grand scale.

But in time I think it will help to realise what an unkind and deceitful man he is.You will realise that you are far better off without him.And you will find someone else one day,when you are ready.

Please do as others are saying and be kind to yourself.You will always be number one to your children.Whatever the OW is to them,she cannot replace you in any way.Not even close.Her behaviour,as a home wrecker and supporter of deceit and lies,is disgraceful.They are both behaving appallingly and inappropriately.

Your response is authentic and this is important for your children.It must be very shocking for them, too .Hairstyles and treats can't hide how insensitive,selfish and mean their dad is being to you -and them.

But your children also need you to start being mummy again - for you and them.I am so glad you have good mh care.It must be scary to think ahead to being without such intense support.But you can - and must - get there.

Baby steps and kindness.Love yourself and treat yourself in the same kind loving way you will when you start to have the dc back with you.Very gently.

You can get through this.Keep posting.

OMG you ladies (and man I think) are so wonderful. All your words have had me in tears (good tears) thinking how much sense you all make of the situation. I think my judgement and my foresight is so badly clouded at the moment, and together with the cocktail of numbing anti-depressants and anti-psychotics and sleep meds they have put me on, its no wonder. I am going to keep revisiting this thread when I feel down and look at all your words and remind myself. I might even write some of them out and keep them in my purse or by my bed. I just really hate myself, which is a joke because only a few weeks ago I was telling everyone how happy I was :(

Don't laugh at me...but...Paul McKenna has a book out about this. Yeah I know he has a book for everything but a friend found it really helpful. I think what helped her was teaching your mind to focus on the bad things about him rather than the good. If you can it might be worth ordering?

xx

All my best wishes are sent to you; unfortunately, no advice! I have been admitted as a voluntary patient twice to the psychiatric unit. I had so much care and help, for which I was extremely grateful, NOT from the staff but from the other patients all of whom had major problems (with hindsight, I realise that I was very lucky to be in there although it didn't feel like it at the time!). Know what you're going through and thinking of you! x

The thing that got me through was knowing he was making another woman miserable. She might think she's happy now, but ultimately she will suffer.

Sorry, doesn't sound very sisterly, does it!

I have complete empathy with you; it's the OW's birthday tomorrow. DP and I split up nearly 18 months ago but have the evidence that he and she were together for 5 years behind my back (only discovered this a few weeks ago!). Wanted to do all sorts of childish (or revengeful) things to both of them to screw up their day and then realised that it would just bolster his claims that I'm nuts! I keep imagining them having very tender and loving moments (hurts like hell!) but know that I am far better off without him!

Mumsnet is great - hope that you get lots of support! Best wishes, x