How do I get over my broken heart?

[SadVillageGirl]

I just don't know what to do...I spent last week on the Acute Mental Health Assessment Unit because I wanted to kill myself. I am now being visited at home so that side is being care of so don't worry about my mental state. I think it was just the shock. Briefly...been with H 16 years - both of us fresh out of other marriages. TBH our marriage wasn't fantastic - he used to ignore me, walk away from me, tell me off for crying (when I had a miscarriage), he was emotionally cold. I had severe PND and he wasn't able to support me emotionally and I had a breakdown and divorced him. However we got back together (this was 8 yrs ago) and although living in separate houses I used to spend every weekend at his with the children and we would speak several times in the day. I thought we were ok, despite our strange living arrangements, we both got a bit of space but still loved each other. He is still quite a cold person but I learned to accept it. Anyway, 6 weeks ago he sent me a lovely email telling me he loved me. Eight days later he finished with me - saying that he didnt love me anymore. I took the children to Spain for a few days and then the day I got back he emailed me to say he has met someone else. This devastation has now lasted about 4 weeks of constantly thinking about him and her etc. The final straw was week last Sunday when I found out the woman is a work associate of mine - he didn't know this (he met her in the gym) but he took the kids round to hers and they told me her name. Basically I just crumbled and decided that I wanted to die, hence being admitted to the pscyh hospital. Anyway all I want to know is how do I get rid of this pain inside me? How do I stop picturing them having sex? How do I stop picturing him kissing her or holding her hand or cooking for her? How do I stop picturing him running her a lovely bath. I really feel that I've gone demented. I've got good support around me and I'm keeping busy. I just feel so sad :(

I have complete empathy with you; it's the OW's birthday tomorrow. DP and I split up nearly 18 months ago but have the evidence that he and she were together for 5 years behind my back (only discovered this a few weeks ago!). Wanted to do all sorts of childish (or revengeful) things to both of them to screw up their day and then realised that it would just bolster his claims that I'm nuts! I keep imagining them having very tender and loving moments (hurts like hell!) but know that I am far better off without him!

Mumsnet is great - hope that you get lots of support! Best wishes, x

Sorry! Have no idea how this was posted twice!!

OP I had my heart broken (shattered) 2 years ago, I never thought I would recover. The pain in my heart was almost physical. I lost loads of weight,didn't sleep/eat. I still think of him every day, but I'm living my life and quite happy now. Time is really the greatest healer. I feel for you, I really do.

Remember, what goes around comes around xx

I think that is so natural to go through all of these emotions; it is raw grief! There would be something very, very wrong with you if you were not so upset; hope that you will feel better eventually, meanwhile - baby steps! Take care, x

feel so low today :( My girls are with him and I rang earlier to speak to them and the OW was there too - I could hear them all laughing and joking together. They don't need me do they? How can he do this to me? What have a done to deserve this devastation in my life. I can't function, I can't sleep, I can't eat. I've been googling to see if I have enough tablets to die but I don't think I have. I just want him back and her to be gone, how dare she intrude on our life and take my man and my children :(

of course they need you, you're their mum and no matter how rejected you feel now, they haven't rejected you and that won't change. Are they old enough to understand how difficult it is for you? If you're feeling suicidal you need to ring the crisis team NOW.

I know exactly how you are feeling as my boys are with their Dad and the OW this weekend and Ispoke to them to say goodnight and was told what a wonderful day they all had together when I was home alone feeling sad.
The thing that holds me together is the thought of my boys in my arms. Kissing my eldest goodnight after I have read him a story and telling him I love him and hearing him say I love you to Mum. Holding my youngest whilst feeding him a bottle.

Your girls will only ever say "I Love You MUM" to you, noone else. You are their Mum and they love and need you. It hurts thinking about him and the other woman so whenever those thoughts come into your head think about a time you have had with your girls and push it out. You need to come through this for their sakes.

You poor thing,heart break is so so hard. I do think in your case that its forced a new situation which will ultimately work better for you. One day, not too far away, you'll be happier than you are now and more importantly, happier than you were before this happened.
The girls will find this new and a bit exciting for a while (the hair dos etc) BUT what children really need and desire is firm boundaries, a feeling of being safe, of being absolutely loved no matter what. You are their mum and no-one will be able to give them this better than you. Their chatter about the OW will wear off after a short time.
Keep strong for your girls - they need want and love YOU.

How do I stop picturing him kissing her or holding her hand or cooking for her? How do I stop picturing him running her a lovely bath.

He is emotionally cold - you said it yourself. If he's doing these things its because he's seen men do it in films. The desire to be attentive and romantic isn't in his heart iyswim. People can only act for a while, his true self will show through soon enough.
I think you need to stop focussing on him though and instead focus on yourself. I know thats easier siad than done.
Can you do this?
Make a list of things that were crappy about your life before and next to each point write how it could be made better now.
At the end of a relationship I always seem to get a new hairstyle and completely change the arrangement of furniture in my house as well as getting new bedding. There must be something in me that has to make physical changes to the emotional changed in my mind. Can you do some of these things, perhaps re-decorate you dcs rooms with their help. It will give you a project that makes you think about something else.
Be your own best friend its you who can help yourself the most.

What you are going through is the grieving process, it is normal, it hurts like hell right now, but you can beat this and you will.

Time is a great healer, and it is really true.

I have been that low that death seemed preferable, I couldn't do it to my children though.

Your heart is broken and you feel betrayed, you have to go through all the different processes first before you can get over him.

The first is the sadness that feels so bad, the next will be anger.

Take baby steps, there is nothing wrong with you, this isn't personal, he is just an asshole.

What he is doing to you is mental torture right now you cannot handle that and it is understandable but you need to gain strength from your children and those closest to you. You can get through this, it will just take time.

Hang in there.

Thinking of you and hoping that you are feeling a little bit better - grief is the price we pay for lost love

Thankyou ladies, yet again there are some wonderful caring people out there in cyber world. I am so lukcy that you take the time to reply to me. I keep alternating between being really angry at him and then back to being really low. I'm all over the place really. Crisis are discharging me on Thursday and I'm scared because i still feel in a dangerous place :(

Theres loads of energy in anger - next time you feel angry, harness that energy and make something good happen for you - book a nice treat, have a sort out, call an old friend or whatever. Thinking of you.

I am absolutely furious on your behalf that she is at his house with your children, when her existence has been enough for you to lose the will to live. I'm absolutely livid - how dare he have her there?

This alone is the signal you should heed that he is a bad person - a really, really unkind person.

Picture yourself talking to a friend who was in your position - she's telling you how she was hospitalised because of her so called partner and his new woman. Would you think he was a man worth having?

I've no doubt he's fooling her at the moment, as he fooled you at the beginning. But think about it. He is not a warm person. He is not a loving person. He is unkind. He has been attracted by another awful person. Together they are a really vile couple.

Please don't do anything to hurt yourself. Please recognise his true worth - don't waste time picturing them having a happy time together - think of the day when she realises what he's like - think of the day when he wonders why the hell he was interested in her. That day will come. By then you will have moved on and you'll be happy - not because of their unhappiness, but because you've realised they mean absolutely nothing to you.

And keep posting on here. We're all going to be worried if you stop posting. Tell us if you're unhappy, tell us how you feel. It won't be long before you're telling us the light has come back into your life. Trust me. xx

OP, tell them it's too soon. Talk to them. You need them now, but you won't need them forever.

Thankyou atswim...those words really help. I've written some of it down (they are vile etc) and I'm going to look at the list when I think of them. She stayed over last night - my youngest got up in the night to go to the toilet and found her in our bed :( God knows what he has told the bitch, because the girls are telling me that my clothes are still piled up next to the bed and our wedding statue is on the window sill and my toiletries in the bathroom and my knickers in the drawer. I'm just devastated. The only reason why I wont tell Crisis how I feel is because I don't want to be admitted again. I don't understand why in 44 years no-one has loved me properly :(

hey sad - if you havent bought that book yet, I have it and I dont need it anymore. I'll send it to you, It took me 6 months to get over mine - I genuinely went through the floor. I thought he was the love of my life - I realise now hes a twit and can honestly say he couldn't talk me back. I fancied the pants off the guy at the time but now I realise hes pretty weird looking - I've come that far. Read the book, do the exercises, I also recommend 'the mindfulness way through depression' its a life saver. you might want to try 'women who love too much' and 'dont call that man too'. I found self help books a great help - normally I would never have lookded at one - but it was enough to occupy my mind when I couldnt cope with a novel and I was always keen to turn the page to see if there was a magic bullet on the next page. There isnt of course but it got me through the days. It will get better - I'm totally over him now and you will get there too. I can't emphasise how low I was so its not that I bounced back and didnt care. I was in bits and then one day the cloud lifted a little. and I would go 2 or 3 minutes without thinking about him. and these periods got gradually longer. Its a waiting game. I'm really looking forward to my life now - please eat well, dont drown out the pain - feel it - associate it with him and realise how badly he treated you. I put up with unimaginable stuff from the guy cos I was hopelessly in love - now I realise he didnt ever care and treated me with breath taking contempt. your guy sounds the same. get some physical exercise - I know you dont want to, but it will get rid of some of the adrenaline. I know how awful it can be - but I have finally seen first hand that what doesnt kill you makes you stronger. I wouldn't lose the experience now - I now know what I dont want and I'd kick a man that doesnt love me out the door pdq now. I didnt buy this book but I did follow her blog.

www.amazon.com/Getting-Past-Your-Breakup-Devastating/dp/0738213284/ref=pd_sim_b_2

get through the days, treat yourself kindly, exercise and the time will come when you are 100% ok. I know you dont believe it right now, but its true. I can't tell you how glad I am that it happened - I have a wonderful life now and I wouldnt have done if he'd stuck around messing with my heart.

unmumsnetty hugs and a mumsnetty punch on the arm

You have your beautiful children who love you - and they are what will get you through this. And when they are older, they will think back to what he is doing and realise how wrong it is. And as for him running her a bath and holding her hand and all that crap that cheaters do, as someone else has said, he'll do it because he's seen it in the movies - not because he's the kind, loving, caring man you would like to think that he was.
The veering wildly from one emotion to another is 'normal' - and slowly put surely, over the next weeks, you will keep putting one foot in front of the other, you will keep breathing in and out and at some point, you will realsie that what he has done HASN'T been on your mind for at least 5 minutes....
Your children are the ones who matter in this. They need a strong, well mummy. They need you to be there rock and their support - the one constant in their life whilst their fickle father prioritises some random woman.
I can't emphasise strongly enough that you need to reach out to people for support. I have been OVERWHELMED by the friends and people I don't really know all that well who have offered me practical help witht he kids, the house etc. It's lovely to know that although there will always be adulterers and cheats, most people in our society are good decent people who will help you to recover from what has been done to you and your future. talk to the kids teachers - they can offer them extra support at school and help you to know that you are NOT alone in all of this.

How you doing sad? Did anything make you smile today?

You ok?

Hello lovely people. I have come down to Brighton with the children for a couple of days. Its a 2 hour train journey from home but I needed to get away and feel the sunshine and look at the sea. He keeps ringing me and texting me, I don't know why because it's really confusing me :( I'm being cold and aloof on the phone, but polite. I haven't cried for 48 hours so I suppose thats a step in the right direction. Have to go and see Crisis again on Friday. Thanks for your support x

Glad you managed to get away. I love watching the sea when I feel troubled. Keep busy. HUGS

SadVillagegirl, I also went through wat you did, I have only skimmed the thread but if he has left you, I would take that mobile and a. throw it in the sea or b. get a new change of sim, and work out how he can see you children without involving you.

I would also try to have children call you when they are with him more than that HER!!

It will hurt, very much so, you are grieving we were together 16 years and I cried solid for almost a year, cripes I listened to a song last night and all the why why why? came tumbling out along with the tears but my EX needs someone to look after him and care to his everyneed, I am not capable of doing that I also have myself and childrens to look after, she can do this so he is better of there.

Pleasethik about having no contact with him and giving your time to youself and you children, I hace found blocking out works!!