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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

H knuckled me in the head because he didn't know what else to do

35 replies

Gotitwrong · 19/05/2011 18:28

Only typing this after a couple of glasses of wine as too ashamed to do it! Need help please. Troubled times for couple of years. Head still hurts after H knuckled me hard in head on Sunday. I mean really hard. Came up in a really big "egg" and still hurts. He denies doing it said I did it myself! I know I didn't do it - he did. However I was in a bad way at the time he did it so maybe he did do it out of desperation. I asked him to get off me. To stop holding me to leave me be but he wouldn't. I was so completely distraught as he wanted to have sex and I couldn't coz I was so messed up in my head due to our ongoing problems. I wanted to talk but he would not listen. I got so frustrated that I wanted to lash out. I could not lash out at him as I do not hate him so Iam so ashamed to say that I hit my hands on my head in frustration. I know that I did not do the damage - I hit my temples and he hit my head!!!!!!!
What can I do ? He denies it. Said I did it. Says I am weird... I am a nutter. Well I am so messed up maybe he is right

OP posts:
AnnieLobeseder · 19/05/2011 18:32

Let me get this right. Your husband was trying to have sex with you against your will, and injured your head when you fought back?

Please call Women's Aid at once. You are a victim of domestic abuse and need help.

He is not right, you are not weird or a nutter. And I doubt you're even messsed up; he just tells you that to control you.

If you do in fact have any mental health issues, are you getting treatment for them?

AKissIsNotAContract · 19/05/2011 18:34

You are not a nutter. Look up gaslighting. It sounds like he could be doing that to you.

Stick around, you will get lots of help and support here.

GypsyMoth · 19/05/2011 18:35

yes,womens aid will help you. call them

do you have dc?

stripeywoollenhat · 19/05/2011 18:40

by knuckled, you mean punched, right? your h punched you in the head. there's no 'desperation' that calls for that.

Original poster
Gotitwrong · 19/05/2011 18:40

Have 3 children. Made a couple of posts on here and feel so pathetic that I cant follow advice through. So ashamed - I have loved him for so long but I am not what he wants. He wants more of me. I have no more to give. He won't leave as he loves me. He loves his kids. He loves his home. I have had enough. After nearly 30 years I want out but he won't go. Too ashamed to call womens aid. Too ashamed to call police. Pathetic person. Weak I am just weak.

OP posts:
stripeywoollenhat · 19/05/2011 18:43

you have nothing to be ashamed of, at all. your h is abusive and he doesn't love you. people do not punch people that they love in the head.

AKissIsNotAContract · 19/05/2011 18:45

You are not weak, he's worn you down, that's what abusive men do. If he really loved you he wouldn't hit you, he just wants to control you.

bubaluchy · 19/05/2011 18:46

you are not in the wrong he has no right to lay a finger on you, please get out while you can xx

GypsyMoth · 19/05/2011 18:46

it took me a while to leave too,i felt like you. but i did in the end.

take the help. is it joint home ownership?tenency??

ThatVikRinA22 · 19/05/2011 18:47

the police will help in the moment, if you are afraid for your safety, but for long term support you really do need womens aid. please phone them. they will understand. dont be ashamed, they will have heard similar so many times before, they are there to help.

Original poster
Gotitwrong · 19/05/2011 18:50

I told him that. He said he didn't punch me - he said he just "pushed my head" to make me stop. He didn't - he punched me so hard that it still hurts ; days later! I know I am messed up to self-harm (feel sick typing that) but I am just so sad, feel suffocated and helpless. If he wanted to leave me then he could just go. I just can't leave. I can't afford the rent for one thing. Also kids should stay in their own home. He won't listen. He won't go. I feel trapped.

OP posts:
GentleOtter · 19/05/2011 18:52

I would advise you to have an x-ray at A&E and inform the medical staff how your injury happened, Gotitwrong.

Has he ever hit you before?

GypsyMoth · 19/05/2011 18:54

then really,you will have to take the kids and make the move.

you will get help. if you are in a hostel,then you will be classed as homeless and go to the top of local authority housing list....did you know that? its a priviedged position in this day and age!!!

you would then be eligible for a community care grant to replace furniture etc..

and housing benefit to help with the rent

i have been there and come out the other side....i did it with 4 dc and it was truly best thing i ever did

stripeywoollenhat · 19/05/2011 18:54

yes, if your head is still hurting, you should get it looked at by a doctor.

ShirleyKnot · 19/05/2011 18:55

here

You're not pathetic. You keep asking, and we'll keep telling. He is a bad man. You deserve better. Please call women's aid. They will have heard even worse than your horror and so, please, feel no shame. This is his shame not yours.

Perhaps today will be the day you call them, perhaps not, but don't stop posting. There is always support for you here.

aliceliddell · 19/05/2011 18:55

'He didn't know what else to do'. But you do. Phone Women's Aid. Get a non-molestation order. Get this idiot away from your children and you.

Original poster
Gotitwrong · 19/05/2011 18:55

He is being so "normal" so "nice". Feel like I am going mad :-(

OP posts:
Becaroooo · 19/05/2011 18:56

Get checked out by a doctor.

Get some legal advice.

Its not your fault.

GypsyMoth · 19/05/2011 18:57

thats to make you feel like you're going mad,part of what he does.....its working for him now,but you and you alone can stop him

MadamDeathstare · 19/05/2011 18:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ShirleyKnot · 19/05/2011 18:58

You're not going mad. He is mad. Mad enough to put his hands on you.

merrywidow · 19/05/2011 19:02

Do you want to talk more about your ongoing situation?

You don't have to do anything you are not ready for. I understand your feeling of weakness however its a bit like that saying 'rabbit caught in the headlights' different people react differently to traumatic situations its possible that you 'freeze' when confronted with one.

try to talk, there is plenty of experience here

Original poster
Gotitwrong · 19/05/2011 19:15

Merrywidow I have read lots of your posts. You speak words of wisdom. You I believe went through many years of trouble and then he died!!!!!! Did you find the strength to go before then or did he leave in the end?
I wish H would go as I truly have had enough yet strangely enough I can't bring myself to hurt him either physically or emotionally yet he is able to do both. I don't love him but he says he loves me. Mixed messages or what?
Have to go now to get youngest to bed. Will be back later I hope.
Thanx for Reading and posting x x

OP posts:
antlerqueen · 19/05/2011 20:17

From the sounds of it it doesn't seem like he loves you - it seems like he NEEDS someone to control.

I would encourage you to call womens aid. They deal with stuff that you are going through all the time.

This seems like an extremely frustrating situation and i wish you all the best :)

merrywidow · 19/05/2011 20:29

I didn't leave, I was scared and I didn't discover MN until after he died. I was sad when he died but also free. Google 'The Story of an Hour'; its not my situation but I understand the sentiment and a powerful story.

I also felt weak and pathetic and couldn't do to him what he could do to me. I understand your frustration and I'm guessing, feeling of utter powerlessness.

Abuse is about the person who carries it out; it doesn't matter who they are emotionally involved with, they would be the same with anyone. Its how they understand 'love'. If the abused spouse cannot understand how their husband/wife can treat them in the way that they do its because they themselves are not an abusive character.

Abusive people are deluded and lack empathy and can be unimaginably cruel to those they supposedly love. However for them love is like a possession and totally at odds with real love which they fail to understand which usually stems from their childhood.