Really need advice about what to do with my 'marriage'

[HavingAnOffDAy]

Bloody hell....where to start?

We've been married for 11 years and have 2 DC - 4yrs & 14 weeks.

We've had various problems in the past but really they all came to a head 2 years ago, just as DD was turning 2.

DH announced he wanted to leave, was looking at flats etc. Turns out he'd found an ex on Facebook & thought he was still in love with her, which was why 'he didn't think he'd loved me throughout our marriage'. They met (without me knowing) and he realised he wasn't. He asked to stay, I agreed. This is all in the context of me finding out I was pg in the middle of all this & having a subsequent m/c.

I know I was weak to let him stay but with the pg & m/c I was emotionally all over the place.

Fast forward 18 months & I end up on a course through work that the ex was the tutor for. Coincidence or what??? I was obviously humiliated to see this woman there, and ranted at DH about it. I was 6 months pg at the time.

His main concern was for her feelings & how what had happened in the past was his doing etc. I accepted this, was civil during the course etc. I wanted to handle things my way.

Yesterday I opened Facebook again to find he was still logged in. I found a message chain between them from when our son was born. Nothing at all controversial in it, just letting her know he'd arrived, but I was upset that he'd managed to find time to email her when he hadn't even managed to find the time to buy me a bunch & flowers (and still hasn't).

I asked him if they'd been in touch, he said 'No' then said 'Oh, only when you were on that course & I emailed her to make sure she was OK'. I was furious that a) he'd lied & said no originally, and b) that he'd contacted her whilst I was on the course.

I had explained to him that I wanted to do things my way, that I wasn't going to do anything to make things awkward for his ex, but that her feelings weren't really a priority of mine.

Obviously he'd ignored my feelings & put hers above them. And did it again when DS was born.

Last night he tried to make out that I was being ureasonable & surely he was 'allowed to let people know DS had been born' as if she was just another friend rather than an ex that he thought he still had feelings for.

I went to bed upset, he came up later acting as though nothing had happened.

Our DC were awake lots in the night for various reasons & we ended up rowing about the way he is with our DD. She woke, he went to see what was wrong, she wanted me & started crying. He then picked her up out of bed at half three in the morning & told her she was to leave the house as she was waking her brother up.

I told him he was (very) wrong to do that & he replied by saying that all of her bad behaviour is down to me, the reason DS doesn't sleep through is my fault etc. He then went into the spare room & hasn't spoken to me since.

I want to leave him, he has anger issues & is very controlling towards me. I'm on maternity leave & am about to be made redundant - what can I do?????

WRT to his affair (and you need to start calling it that) I suspect you have been fed a pack of lies. I have yet to meet or hear of a man who was prepared to leave his marriage for an OW he had not yet met and I also think it highly unlikely that on meeting her, he suddenly decided that he didn't have feelings for her after all and so he would deign to stay in his marriage after all.

What is more likely is that this was a full-blown affair that she called off at some point. And only when he lacked a safe landing place, did he decide not to jump.

This also explains the continued contact and the unwillingness to sever a friendship that by anybody's standards, threatened your marriage to the core. I presume he would take a dim view if you had done the same?

WRT to you wanting to leave and your assertions that he is angry and controlling, then if that is really true and not generated by your righteous anger about his horrible treatment of your DD and his criticisms of you last night, then the best you can do is take some legal advice about how you will manage on your own, assuming that you will be the primary carer. Do you know what your redundancy payment might be? Or your future job prospects, assuming you were intending to return after M/L? Would you be entitled to benefits, in addition to what your H will have to pay? Getting clarity about these things at least will strengthen your resolve.

2 years ago, did you have to dig to find out what was behind the wanting to move out? Or was it volunteered? Was it bad before that or just a bit bumpy along the way? And until this FB message chain, was it OK before you read that?
I guess what I am wondering is whether it has always been crap, or is it the contact with the ex, which he does not love, which is upsetting you.

Thanks for replying When.

He is extremely controlling, nasty & abusive. I am forever being told I'm fat, ugly & repulsive - I'm a size 14 & 5'4''. I recognise that I'm overweight but don't feel I deserve the name calling.

Our DD has picked up on things he says & has started saying things like 'Mummy, you need to lose that belly before we go on holiday', 'Mummy you have dirty teeth' (another one of his random insults).

My redundancy payment would be at least 6 months salary but I don't know what my prospects would be if it happens. The consultation is ongoing & there is a possibility I could remain working there in a different job. The commute time would mean I'd have to do part time hours so I may qualify for some tax credits etc.

My main problem is that he will not accept that he is worng. He tells me it's my fault for lacking confidence etc as I have 'let' him do that to me & I should be stronger. I have asked him to leave & he's refused - saying that he wouldn't want our DC's ending up like me.

I am worried about their future, especially my DD, as I don't want them to think our relationship is the norm. It's not - it's very damaging.

Then you must part. You don't have to convince him, you know, that he is wrong. You have no need of anyone else validating your feelings. You also don't need his permission to end the marriage.

What's your housing situation? Can you leave with the DCs instead?

It sounds very much like he has been having an affair. Generally, men don't just move out/look for flats - there is usually an OW on the scene. It is very unlikely that he met her just the once and decided he was not in love with her. If he was going to look at flats etc, there would have been far more to it than just one meet up.

And by the way - you have NO reason to feel humiliated because you have done nothing wrong. He has and it sounds like this woman has too.

Smelly - things have always been up & down between us. We have both done hurtful things in the past. I lied to him about money, he slept with prostitutes.

He was very remorseful about that & blamed it on his reaction to stress, in the way that some people drink. I feel like a fool now.

The ex has always been 'there' between us. I have felt compared to her even though he's never mentioned her.

He confessed his feelings etc about a week safter saying he wanted to move out. He'd found her on FB, met her then told me what he'd done.

It's been crap since my DS was born. DH has found it hard to adjust to sleepless night etc, even though our DS is a good baby & very content.

We've rowed more since he was born & I've seen his anger becoming more uncontrollable. I am an adult & old enough to decide how I want to be treated but our DC are not & I hate seeing my DD scared of her daddy.

Green - I know & if any of my friends were in the same situation I'd be saying the same thing to them.

They parted badly, he didn't treat her very nicely & cut all contact. He says he always felt guilty & wanted to meet her to make sure she was OK. What an idiot I am!!

We own our house with around a 50% mortgage. I live miles away from family so can't move in with them as it would disrupt DD's nursery etc & she's going to go through enough upheaval.

Oh dear, poor kids. I think you are pushing him - he's betrayed you in the past, you forgave him. It's not his fault that you ended up with is ex as a tutor, he IS entitled to tell his ex that he's had a baby.

Then you row and allow dc to wake up - he tries to do something about it and get dd into another room and it all goes pearshaped. He sleeps in the spare room.

It sounds as though you are resenting him about stuff and letting it build up. You are not dealing with things as they really are at the time. If he's controlling that's wrong but what's this about bad behaviour? Is it that perhaps you are more easygoing with the kids than he is? That's a parenting issue and is something you can overcome, provided you both listen to each other.

Sorry if I sound as though I'm giving you the third degree here but it does sound as though you are making things worse and not better. As I said, perhaps this is just a parenting issue and has more to do with you BOTH chilling out a bit and not being so defensive. I see this a lot with parents of younger children - you are doing the right thing to question it.

Oh just ignore what I've just written - didn't read the abusive bit. BAD [:(]

You are joking aren't you BarbieGrows? Have you read all the OP's posts?

Phew!

"he wouldn't want our DCs ending up like me". Sorry this relationship is a non-starter.

He has slept with prostitutes too?

I don't have anything to say except that I would advise you to leave, leave, leave. And please put into perspective the nursery issue - your DD resettling elsewhere is NOTHING to the daily upheaval, uncertainty, unhappiness she is being subjected to now (and is likely to continue to be subjected to if you stay close, where he can continue to emotionally abuse her by trying to make her feel critical of and alienated from her mother).

Horrible, vile, sickening man.

Barbie, I think you have misunderstood. We argues because the DC had woken up & becuase he dragged our 4 year old DD out of bed telling her she had to get out of the house because she'd woken her brother.

You don't need his permission to end you marriage. You can go to a solicitor and file for divorce on the grounds of his unreasonable behaviour.

"DH announced he wanted to leave, was looking at flats etc. Turns out he'd found an ex on Facebook & thought he was still in love with her, which was why 'he didn't think he'd loved me throughout our marriage'. They met (without me knowing) and he realised he wasn't. He asked to stay, I agreed. This is all in the context of me finding out I was pg in the middle of all this & having a subsequent m/c."

So....he decided he was still in love with ex, so started looking at flats....then actually met up with her and decided he wasn't??!!
Christ almighty...is he 14?

He sounds deeply immature.

Just read about the name calling and insults and so on....

Mate - this is not how someone who loves you behaves.
He sounds just awful and if what you say is true, you would fare better on your own. The very best of luck to you. xxxx

I would suggest that the other woman decided she didn't want to re-kindle their relationship and this is probably the real reason he came back. To go as far as looking for flats suggests to me that your DH was fairly committed to the relationship. She was probably a little alarmed at how easily he was prepared to leave his family!
Also from what you said of their original breakup it could be that she just had some unresolved issues and just wanted a bit of closure.
I am sorry that it is not working out for you, but having a new baby is a very stressfull time for all concerned and tempers get frayed when lack of sleep is involved.

You need to take your time and work out all your possible options, from a legal and financial point of view. Don't, for the time being, make any rash decisions unless the situation at home becomes impossible

I missed the bit about him telling your small daughter she had to get out of the house.

Please get rid. Please, please get rid.

My God, OP, he's abusive and insulting and aggressive towards you AND your very young daughter (dragging her out of bed and telling her to get out of the house?) and he screws prostitutes and he's been lying to you about an affair for years and he tells you you're fat and ugly and a bad mother and it's your fault that he treats you that way and your children are scared of him.

And you're considering what to do about this?

What more motivation to end it could you possibly need? He's giving you nothing but misery. He isn't nice, he isn't kind, he isn't a good husband or a good father, he makes your life an utter misery.

Leave the wanker. Seek legal advice, make sure you get the contribution for child support that you're entitled to, make sure the marital assets are protected, and then END IT.

If you decided to leave - and I think you've got plenty of reasons to do so, is moving away, making a clean break, perhaps going back to your family a possibility? Your job coming up for redundancy gives you an opportunity to make a change in your life.
Is your job portable - or is it specific to where you live now?
Whilst you may have both made mistakes, the behaviour you've described is truly awful from your husband.
What reasons do you have to stay?

I know I need to move out. My concern is my financial position if I do. I'm currently not earning (only 14 weeks into Mat Leave) and don't have anywhere to go.

When we have discussed separation in the past he's told me that he will not leave, that he will decide what child support etc I should receive & that if I go to a solicitor he will make sure all of our family & friends 'know' I'm lying about his behaviour.

I would be happy to move out & raise our DC's alone but I don't want to jeopardise their security by doing so.

He may not get the choice whether to leave
The law, not him, decides how much child support he should pay
Why should all your family and friends believe him more than you? (unless they're peculiar, in which case you're better off without them as well)
You need a solicitor
Moving to another house is surely not going to upset your DD more than having her own parent shout at and threaten her
Oh, and yes, he is a wanker

Next!

Ok, look I guess people are aware that he wanted to leave you and then changed his mind?
I would also imagine that you have friends and family that you trust and more importantly that will trust you if you say what has exactly happened?
What makes him think that people are more likely to believe him rather than you? Except if he thinks of course that he is much better than you, which he obvioulsy isn't. And that people will obvioulsy agree with that, which again is far from obvious.

He is trying to control you again by frightening you.

He can not decide how much he will give you as such. He could decide to give you more than the CSA would demand but he will have to give you a minimum of 20% of his wage.

Have a look at how much benefit you could get, you probably see that you will be much better off than you think.

Also have a word with your family and friends. Apart from having some support in RL, it will also redress the balance and stop him from spreading lies (if you are worried about it).

Aniie, Xpst. I think we are on the same lines here!