Need someone to talk to.

[Utterlydistraught]

In short - married for five years, two small children. Moved to h's country 7 years ago and I have not settled here. Have no close friends, no social life, am sahm. H initially very supportive but I have been miserable and isolated and ashamed to say I have taken it out on him. Now he is miserable and isolated too. We have had a handful of counselling sessions in which he was initially making promises to move heaven and earth to make things better between us, but he has had a change of heart over the last month and in the last week has said he seriously doubts it can work in the long run. I am in pieces. Added to the mix are our children. Before we had kids he prmised me he would never stand in my way if I wanted to return to uk with them. Now he is saying he 'won't discuss the issue unless there's someone else present'. I feel like my life is over. H doesn't want me and I am going to be trapped in a country to be close to my children. I couldnt bear to be without them. I am feeling utterly without hope.

mediation?

might help a little. can you work in his country?

Is there anything that says you cannot bring your children to the UK to live?

Not sure what you mean by mediation? Is that different to counselling?

I can in theory work in his country, but unemployment is quite high, I have been out of the working loop since I moved here 7 years ago, don't know what i would do here, and in current state couldnt hold down a job. FIL has just taken the children to his house for the night as I am not capable of looking aftervthem today. I have let them and my husband down and I wish so much my husband would give us another chance.

FabbyChic - I haven't taken legal advice, but the Hague convention says I can't take them out if their country if residence (ie my h country) without my h permission. If I did it would be classed as child abduction.

What about charity/volunteering work? Sounds to me like you need to make new friends and the only way to do that is get out more.

Unless you are willing to go out and do something then I agree with your H. In the long run, it can't work. The problem is yours to fix with H's help. He cannot fix this problem for you.

I don't think you've let anyone down UD - I think if anything your H has let you down. I don't know either what the poster meant about mediation. It is usually useful when parents are fighting over their children in the family courts. It sounds to me like you are depressed. Are you in a European country or not.

you say he wont discuss it unless another person is there....mediation is a way to speak and communicate with someone impartial there. its used here in uk prior to divorcing or access cases. it can iron out lots of problems before they spiral

Yes, I'm in an EU country and yes I am depressed - have been so for about 3 or 4 years and been on anti depressants but I don't think the dosage is right. Been to the doctors thtis morning who has doubled it but she says I could feel worse for a couple of weeks. I don't know how I can feel worse to be honest.

I hear what you are saying niceguy. I would be willing to try this but don't know if it would help things with my husband now. Think he has compassion fatigue and wants to split. He says he can't make a decision on our relationship until I have got myself sorted out first. He seems to have completely detached from me and I am in agony and thoroughly ashamed I have pushed him to this. I am trying to find a psychologist who can help with my depression/discontentment in this country.

do you have to pay for doctors and psychologists in your country? is he still willing to continue financial support?

I know this will be hard right now for you but i do think you need to make some changes. Take baby steps first. Do you go out much? How about going for a jog? Exercise clears the head, gets the endorphins pumping and will help. I know it'll seem like the last thing you want to do right now but try it.

I understand how your H feels. A few years ago I was in a relationship where my then GF put me in an impossible situation. I was damned if I did, damned if I did not. After two years of treading on eggshells for my own sanity I simply stopped trying. My logic was if I cannot please her then why bother trying? I might as well not bother and take the heat now rather than try, fail and THEN get the heat? Does that make sense? I wonder if your H is feeling the same?

I think he would agree to pay for a psychologist. He says he wants me to go back to England (without the kids) for a couple of weeks to try and see one there as he thinks I will feel better on my home turf. I agree with him but am afraid that being away from him will cement his belief that it won't work between us. I am also afraid to up my anti depressants in case i feel worse at first as I know he is not capable of supporting me at the moment.

I think my h is feeling exactly that way niceguy. I do need to make the changes - I know that - and I will make them. I am willing to do anything to save our marriage, but I am worried it's gone beyond saving from his point of view.

Are you in a big city? If you are, there might be some playgroups run by ex pats. It's hard, even if you speak the language, even if you think you understand the culture..... you have to get yourself happy, it's so so hard.

Yes, I go to the expat playgroup (although I live in the countryside and it take about 30 mins to get to town), but I wonder if this makes things worse. I am so homesick and I don't feel like I matter here.

I don't think it's that your H doesn't want you - I think he's just having a hard time dealing with this homesick you - maybe you've lost your self esteem, self worth and sense of identity.

How does he feel about the UK? Will he not consider moving back? It's so much easier to be an ex pat in the UK in my opinion.

If he won't move back, I think you need to have regular holidays here, also for your dc to have contact with their mum's homeland. That's what I used to do, you need to for your sanity.

H had always said that he would move to the uk, but will not now entertain that idea. It is very true that I struggle with my identity here. I suppose I have undergone a lot of changes in the last 7 years (giving up City job, moving country and becoming a housewife and mother). Added to which the country I'm in is very patriotic and I feel my past and history (ie who I am) don't count. I have some (expat) friends, but none that I feel really close to or could discuss my marriage problems with. I have made an appointment with a private psychologist here for Thursday and drawing up a list if things I need to fix. So far:
No identity
Little self esteem
Quick to anger
Grass is always greener syndrome
Too reliant on husband and consequently controlling.

I am so ashamed of the person I have become. I don't like myself at all and I am desperate to change.

You won't feel worse initially, you will feel the same, however once the doseage kicks in you will feel tonnes better.

Im not sure coming home to see a psychologist would work, you have children to consider and leaving them with him will reinforce to him that he can manage with the children on his own, is this something he wants? Do you think he wants you to come home so that he can then say don't come back?

You need to find yourself, sometimes it is hard, but once the depression has cleared which it will do, promise you will be able to think clearly.

I would be careful about leaving without your children.

I won't leave without my children. The apt I made wasmwith a psych where I currently am, not the uk. So will be here until at least Thursday. We have another of our marriage counselling sessions tomorrow. It's been about a month so everything has changed and I think the counsellor will be confused.

Any advice on how I should be with my husband. At the moment I am pathetic and needy and desperate for reassurance from him (which isn't forthcoming). Not attractive behaviour which of course is making him withdraw even more. I know I need to give him space but I am so frightened and alone. I feel like I'm in hell.

I definitely would not leave the country without your children. It could be seen as you leaving the family home and therefore it may be more difficult for you when it comes to residence if the worst happens (just thinking worst-case scenarios here).

Why do you think you have found it so hard to settle in your new country? Is there any way you think you could try to be more positive about it?

Do you think you would feel less isolated if your H stopped refusing to even contemplate a move back to the UK - perhaps if he would talk about it, you might feel less trapped.

Yes I too was a bit concerned about your H suggesting you went home for a couple of weeks. Call me a cynic but I wonder if he is trying to get custody of them in the event of the marriage breaking down completely. Though if you are in a European country the law will be fair. I was afraid yu were in Yemen or Saudi Arabia or some such far flung place.

I too have depression and know how horrid it is (mine fluctuates) I think you need your meds reviewed and to see a psychologist. You have faced a lot of major life changes in a relatively short space of time, so it is small wonder that you are feeling so bad.

I know about the neediness in depression and the need for reassurance etc. Depression makes us almost childlike again and we are very very needy. YOu are not pathetic, you are ill and your H is not helping. So stop doing the things you are doing with him and stay more detached - that way you won't have to feel worse when he fails to comfort you. I also understand about fear - this is really anxiety and when we are like this we can be anxious about everything and anything and be so so afraid and alone. I reently read a book saying that the real pain of depression is feeling like an alien on the planet and everyone else is bathing is sunlight while we are under a dark heavy raining cloud with no escape. It certainly fitted for me. The alienation is going to be so much worse for you as you are living in a country and culture that is alien to you.

You realy must have an outlet to voice your fears (and sadly this is not going to be your H) so I am glad you are seeing a psychologist. But yu may need more effective ADs to lift you enough to make good use of the therapy.

How old are your children.

Does your H totally misunderstand depression. If so it may be good for him to go to GP with you and he may take more notice of a doctor. But it sounds like he wouldn't go.

I also know how it feel to be in hell............depression is the most horrid and deceitful illness because it makes us think things about ourselves that are not true.

Keep posting love, and we will be here to support you. Love NNx

Thank you for your words of support. I really appreciate them as I feel like I have no one here to turn to. I am not proud of the person I am and I don't recognise myself from the person I was 10-15 years ago. I am so ashamed of myself. I have been wallowing so much in my own suffering that I have made my husband suffer too. I am desperate to get out of this vicious circle. I know that only I am responsible for my happiness and I need to find a way to find some peace somehow.

No, dh won't go to the doctors with me now. He seems totally disinterested in me or what happens to me. He is very good at 'compartmentalising' and says he has switched off for self preservation.

The trouble is UD is that depression changes our personality. I had a severe episode last Easter and was in psych ward for 3 months and have been struggling since then to recover - sometimes I am ok and sometimes not. I know exactly what you mean about feeling ashamed. It is being ashamed of the person we have become and wanting to hide that person away - one of the major symptoms of depression. The day I was admitted to hospital I just repeated it over and over again amidst the tears "I am so ashamed"

It isn't the case that you have been "wallowing in your own suffering so much that your have made your husband suffer too" - this is the depression talking. When we are clinically depressed (as opposed to feeling fed up) it is all consuming and we have nothing to give. OK your H has suffered too because it's hard to live with someone in this state, especially if you habe no understanding, but it sounds like he has no sensitivity either. I really do believe that people think we can "pull ourselves out of it" and of course we can't. If we have a physical illness we don't feel ashamed - this is peculiar to depression.

SO you need an action plan.

How about accepting that trying to get comfort from your h is not going to happen. Hard I know but it's the ony way. Hve to go someone at door - back later

Thanks NN. A lot of it is to do with the depression, but I think there are other things as well that I need to address. I need to be responsible for myself. If I can't do that how can I be a mother? I am devastated I had to ask FIL to care for them today, but I was feeling very desperate. Doctor asked me if I had been having thoughts of harming myself and I had to lie and say no. Another thing I'm ashamed of. I don't want to die, I desperately don't want to, but I have been fantasising about a car crash just bad enough to put me in a coma for a few weeks so I can have a rest from these marriage problems. I didn't want that noting on my medical records which might be used against me in terms of the children if the worst comes to the worst.

Do you think that the depression has come from being isolated and dependent on your H? Have you talked to him about living in a country that's not your own and not having your friends or anyone to talk to? It's not fair of your H to expect you to live without a circle of friends or a life of your own. He needs to understand what it's like.

Is he willing to have a decent conversation, or are you too far past that?