Need someone to talk to.

[Utterlydistraught]

In short - married for five years, two small children. Moved to h's country 7 years ago and I have not settled here. Have no close friends, no social life, am sahm. H initially very supportive but I have been miserable and isolated and ashamed to say I have taken it out on him. Now he is miserable and isolated too. We have had a handful of counselling sessions in which he was initially making promises to move heaven and earth to make things better between us, but he has had a change of heart over the last month and in the last week has said he seriously doubts it can work in the long run. I am in pieces. Added to the mix are our children. Before we had kids he prmised me he would never stand in my way if I wanted to return to uk with them. Now he is saying he 'won't discuss the issue unless there's someone else present'. I feel like my life is over. H doesn't want me and I am going to be trapped in a country to be close to my children. I couldnt bear to be without them. I am feeling utterly without hope.

We have had the conversation many times. I think it is definitely exacerbated by being here but my husband believes that is not just that, and that it still wouldn't work in engined which is why he is now refusing to entertain the idea. He has completely withdrawn his support in the last week, just says 'I can't help you any more'.

still wouldn't work in England

Hi again UD - you really really must tell the GP the truth about how you are feeling. Thoughts of suicide are exceedingly common in depression, and I have had many many of them. It isn't actually that we want to die, it's just we want this awfulness to come to an end, to "not be here anymore" rather than be dead. Your comments about the fantasy car crash describe it very well. It is called suicide ideation if we think about it a lot but sort of know we would never do it. It is however always taken seriously as some severely depressed people do actually commit suicide.

Telling your GP that you are having suicidal thoughts is like telling a GP if you had pneumonia that your chest felt tight and you had trouble breathing. It is a symptom of severe depression. It does not mean that you are not capable of caring for your children. Maybe at the moment you are going to need more support as you are currently so alone.

I think you must return to the GP and tell him/her the truth about your symptoms and how you are feeling. They may increase/chjange your drugs. I think you should ask for a referral to a consultant psychiatrist who can diagnose and treat more efficiently than the average GP. I think you said you were seeing a psychologist and this is important for you. As your H won't discuss anything "without someone else present" the ideal thing would be for him to go the counsellor with you.

I think you need to find out from the GP what other support might be available to you. I have a community psychiatric nurse who I see every 3 weeks and sometimes I phone her if I am really struggling. Is there anything like this available - or a Health Visitor who understands mental health. You must stress to the GP that your H is unsupportive and you have no-one else to turn to. Is language a problem where you are living?

Have you got a supportive family in the UK. If so could you return with the children or could any of them come and stay with you.

Keep posting and please don't think that life wil always be like this. Depression is a horrid illness but the vast majority of people recover fully in time.

I agree, please do something to help yourself first. Maybe once you get yourself better, your H will be more willing to talk again. It's such a difficult situation, being far away from family and friends. It gets everyone down sometimes. Don't be hard on yourself.

I hope you can get some good good help.

Yes, I hope I can get some help too. We are off to our joint counselling session shortly but things are not good and I don't think it's going to go well.

He has said I can take the children to England temporarily and thinks I will get better help there. I am afraid to go incase being away from him makes him decides he prefers his life without me in it and he becomes influenced by friends and family yelling him to call it a day. I am wondering if he wants me to go so he can let me down over the phone and not deal with the fallout.

I think he has moved on mentally although he has said he doesn't want to end it yet but needs time perhaps on his own so he can get his thoughts clear. I am finding it unbearable. He says he feels very sorry for me and will always be grateful for the sacrifices I have made for him, whatever happens. That makes me feel really insulted.

Oh my goodness, it does sound like he's given up, but the fact that he is willing to go to counselling is a very good sign. My dh has never been willing in bad times, he blamed all the problems on me!

I have no idea what to advise you, but if it were me, I think I'd want a break from it all. Do you really think his friends and family would tell him to break off his marriage? Do you get along with them?

I hope you can work it all out somehow, it sounds like you really love your H.

Yes, it is pretty bad isn't it. I can see why though - he has basically taken four years of shit from me on the chin and now he has reached his end point. I'm so ashamed of myself. If our genders were reversed I'm sure people would be shouting 'emotional abuse' and advising to leave asap. I do not want to be this person anymore, whether my husband and I stay together or not, I will change for my own sake and my children's.

We had a talk before we went to the counselling session where my h said he wanted it to work and that if he could only have a shred of belief that it would then he would be committed to our relationship and giving it ago 110%. I think because it's been bad for so long though that he can't find that belief right now. He says he has to be convinced that it will work and he doesn't know how he can be convinced.

The counselling session was quite mixed as the counsellor was more negative than I expected him to be.

I think your husbands withdrawal is his way of being cruel to be kind. He may feel like should he keep being sympathetic then you will continue to 'wallow' he wants to shake you up to wake you up. :) If I where you I'd do my damndest to try and pick myself up.

There must be an element of that as I think he feels that being sympathetic and supportive in the past hasn't done any good. Made it worse in fact as it seems to have fuelled my resentment and bitterness at being here. I am so negative about every tiny little thing in my host country.

I think you could find it in yourself to slowly come to terms with it? Maybe find something you really enjoy doing there? How old are your child/ren?

If you want to save your marriage I dont see you have little other choice but to try really hard. Are you sure you want to save your mariage though?

loopylou - I find your comment "If I were you I'd do my damndest to try and pick myself up" - this demonstrates that you have never experienced the awfulness of depression, nor do you have any understanding of the illness. This comment is often made by such people. I don't know about UD but I found it very offensive.

UD - I think the best plan would be for you to come back to the UK with your children if you have supportive family or friends with whom you can stay and get support with the children and your illness. I think you would have more chance of saving your marriage this way. The reason I say this is because the last thing you need when you are depressed is pressure to "get better" and your H seems to be wanting proof of some kind that this is going to happen, and is going to need "convincing" - I am not sure it is possible to do this if your depression is as bad as it sounded in earlier posts. One thing for certain is that you can't go on like you are.

Why do you think he will want the marriage to end if you go away for a while - it may be the making of you and your marriage, but it does depend on having support here in the UK.

How do you mean that the counselling was more negative than you had thought?

UD, just wanted to add some words of support as I am in a similar situation - living with partner in a host EU country with two young children, and feeling dissatisfied and trapped. It sounds like a lot of your problems may have come with your change of role to SAHM (and SAH wife!) Having children is a major transition and if one loses one's work/public identity at the same time it is very hard. Add moving country onto that and, well, things are likely to have been extremely tough for anyone in that situation. So try not to beat yourself up about it.

I also understand you taking things out on your partner too, I did the same myself, I have to admit, when we moved countries with a young baby. But this was partly due to the fact that my partner's life did not change in the radical way mine did after the arrival of the baby - he continued being a workaholic and did not give me much support. We are still living the legacy of this six years on. He has changed a bit now, after much pressure from me, and now is more of a participating parent, but I hold a lot of resentment, and somehow feel I have 'given' more than he has to the relationship/family set-up/country setting than he has, if that makes sense. Anyway, that is me, not you! My partner refused to go to counselling with me, so take heart that yours will. Make the most of the opportunity to try and find a way back to loving and supporting each other. Try not to panic about it.

But I really recommend you have some kind of therapy on your own to work out who you are and who you want to be. And you would perhaps do better to try this out where you are rather than making the dramatic move to the UK for therapy services. Have also started seeing a therapist myself (so thankful to find a British therapist out here!) and he is actually better-placed than someone in the UK as he seems to understand the cultural differences involved in mixed-couple relationships. This is definitely an issue for my partner and myself, maybe it also is for you? Cross-cultural relationships can be very enriching but also challenging.

It sounds like your shift to SAHM has not been totally satisfying, and you are not engaging with your surroundings in the way you want to (I understand so well your description of finding so much at fault in your new country! But it is the internal problems projecting, methinks). You might need to get a new perspective on your decisions and behaviour. You clearly need to find some more positive thoughts and influences to help you look forward. Therapy, as well as trying to make more community connections, might help you. Sorry if that sounds too simplistic, but it is well meant. Let me know how you get on.

loopylou - I find your comment "If I were you I'd do my damndest to try and pick myself up" - this demonstrates that you have never experienced the awfulness of depression, nor do you have any understanding of the illness. This comment is often made by such people. I don't know about UD but I found it very offensive.

Unfortuantly I am all to familar with the awfullness of depression, 40mg daily of Citalopram says so. I was certainly not meaning to cause offence, but as a sufferer myself sometimes you need to give yourself a mental slap and try and drag yorself out of the dark pit. I meant what I said with the very best intentions, so please do not nit pick and patronise me.

Hey ladies - don't row - I've done enough of that for all of us over the last few years!

Had my first meeting with a psycotherapist this morning. Am still in town so will fill you in when I get home. I am feeling marginally more able to cope, which is a relief. I can't thank you enough for your support over the last few days as I really was feeling quite desperate, more so than I ever have before. Thankyou.

Hi UD, excellent news :) Sounds like you are seeing a light at the end of the tunnel, Im so very pleased for you. Will look forward to your update.

Me too, and I hope you can truly get better to see the positives of your new country and that your H can see the old you again.

UD - sorry for spoiling your thread by taking issue with looplou - it's just I'm hypersensitive about people who don't understand depression and tell us to "pull ourselves" together - so sorry loopylou.

How did things go with the psychologist UD - sounds like there is a bit of an improvement. I dop hope so - you have been on my mind all week.

Sending warm wishes.

Bless you nananina. The session with the psychologist went ok - she thinks we should meet twice a week to begin with as it's quite a 'crisis' situation. I'm also going to meet with an American psychologist on Monday (the other one is native to my host country) who I think will understand better how it is not to feel connected to where you are living and how adrift it makes you feel. Didn't really get much help as such from the 'native' psychologist as it was just explaining why I needed help (if she could understand it through the tears and snot) so let's see how it goes next week.

Yes, the marriage counselling session was rather mixed. Before we went, we actually had quite a good talk where my husband said he just needed to get some belief back that we would work and then he would give it 110%. When we were at the session he said the same and the counsellor told him to feel comfortable on his indecision, and not go looking for the belief, but let it find him. In my head I was all 'no, no! Don't tell him that! We were actually getting somewhere before we came here!'. I don't know. Divorce is much more common here than in the uk, and I feel like its almost expected. I know we all differ in our beliefs, but mine is that I really want to try to do everything possible to have a happy marriage, and make those compromises.

Things are cordial between us both, but I really have no idea what my husband is thinking. Any hugs or affection is initiated from me (unlike before) and he seems to be trotting along with life whereas this consumes my every waking thought. Thanks to the talk before our marriage counselling session, I feel just enough hope ti be able to cope, but I'm quite aware that my husband may at any time turn round and say 'this isn't working is it' and I will be destroyed again.

Hi UD - glad you are feeling a bit better. Do you think it might be a bit confusing for you to be seeing 2 different psychologists at the same time. I don't think you can expect to get much help for the first few sessions as the therapist needs time to understand what is going on. I think the main thing is for you to feel comfortable with the therapist.

I think it was a step forward for your H to even get to counselling. I'm not sure I really understand the comment that the counsellor made but maybe she ws trying to take the pressure off you, by telling him not to go loking for improvements, but let him become convinced over time.

I know you want to save your marriage, but it is going to take the two of you, and I don 't think all the giving has to come from you. It takes two to make or break a relationship. I think if you can you just need to take things steady for a while, and remain cordial but hold back a bit on the hugs and affection, as this might make him think he hasn't got to bother. Are you and your H going to continue counselling - I think this is really important. But you can't be seeing 3 therapists at the same time! I think the priority is for you and your H to continue and you can work on the other issues about living in another country when things are more stable between the two of you.

Anyway you seem to be feeling less depressed so that is a good thing. Is the depression related to the problems in your marriage as it seems as though that is the case. Take it easy and don't overthink things, and take good care of yourself as well as your H. You are as important as him!

I thought I would update this as you were all so kind in offering support. Unfortunately my husband has decided that he no longer loves me and does not see a future for us together. I had been seeing a therapist in my host country who I thought could really help me, and had increased my AD dose (which did leave me feeling worse and therefore caused another argument with my H resulting in my asking him to stay with relatives for a week so I could try to regather myself as his lack of support during this time was making me feel much worse). I think the ADs are kicking in, but it is of course hard to tell under the heartbreak. I am currently back in the UK for the summer with my children staying with relatives as the atmosphere with my husband was just awful. He has completely switched off from me and moved on. He spent most of the time with the phone glued to his ear making plans with friends and seemed to have nothing but thinly veiled contempt for me. I am absolutely heartbroken and don't know how I am ever going to get through this. I cannot see a future without him in it. Of course I wouldn't do anything like it, but I feel like I want to die.

Oh, and I wanted to say to HowLongIsTooLong that your message completely resonated with me and I understand exactly where you are coming from. Unfortunately I have left it too late to sort out.