Buying a house, biggest mistake ever?

[MilkandWine]

Hi all
Need others opinions on this issue, all replies hugely appreciated.

Myself and DP have lived in our house since last April. House and mortgage is in DPs name only. This is because when we went to apply we were told by the mortgage advisor that as I am self employed and have a bad credit rating it would be really hard to get a shared mortgage. To be honest I would have been just as happy to rent somewhere but DP really wanted to buy. The house we ended up in has potential but needs loads of work doing to it (Has no GCH, needs new kitchen, bathroom etc). As niether of us earn a lot of money however the work still hasen't been done. I was unsure about the house in first place as I was concerned where money would come from to do it up. DP insisted all would work out though and so the house was bought!

We pay half each on the bills in general. Some months however I can't afford to pay all of my 'half' which can be a bit of an issue. I always contribute towards shopping, toiletries etc and about 95% of cleaning, cooking and general upkeep is done by me.

Yesterday we went shopping and were in the Mac shop (His laptop is on it's last legs). After we had left shop DP made a comment that he might use the money he has saved up for Gas Central Heating to be put in to buy a Mac. I got upset and told him I thought that was a really inappropriate thing to say. We have no central heating and that money really needs to be put towards that. His reply was that I hadn't contributed to the heating fund so it wasen't upto me what he does with the money. It turned into a big row with him saying buying the house had 'Driven a wedge between us' and that the house would never get done if I won't contribute towards the fund to do so.

Is he being unfair or am I? Yes I haven't contributed towards heating fund etc. Mainly because my name isin't on house so if we spilt I get nothing and have helped paid to do his house up! Also I wasen't bothered about buying in the first place. I would have happily rented as we couldn't get a joint mortgage. Surely he, by deciding to go ahead anyway, has created the wedge?

So am I an unreasonable cow or not? I really have no idea!

You sound very vulnerable, not only because of the house situation but because you say your parents have kicked you out and changed the locks. Your OH is being territorial - 'my telly' and there's no place for that in a relationship. I hate to break it to you but I think your relationship is not good and not healthy - this is not the house's fault, the money's fault, or your fault.

I suggest you try to insist on getting a pre-nup agreement written. It's not the document, but the process that you both will go through that will show where the problems are in the relationship. Don't sign it without further guidance from MN, but it may show OH that this relationship is not just a financial arrangement. It will make you see things in perspective.

At the moment you are little more than a lodger without a rent book. And do consider moving out. You could afford to flatshare with someone else I'm sure, or go on a waiting list. There are options.

Don't let him blame you for whatever happened at the time he bought the house. It sounds as if he railroaded you. A loving artner would have sat you down and taken you through all of the implications, to the best of his knowledge, not let you continue on in blythe ignorance.

Here's a test - get one of those DIY will kits from WHSmiths, and draft up a will for him which leaves you 90% of the value of the house (with the remaining 10% going to his parents). Present it to him and see how he reacts. You'll learn a lot from whether he accepts or refuses those terms.

I have no idea, BTW, whether this hypothetical will would even be legally enforceable if he signed it, but that's not the point at this stage - the point is to allow you to see how he reacts.

I like your thinking CinnabarRed- I had thought of that too but thought it would be a bit too hypothetical because of no kids. But after watching 'You can't take it with you' I found out writing a Will is probably a brilliant form of relationship counselling.

Well done for having the conversation - at least you know where you stand now. You are helping to pay the mortgage on a house you have no stake in.
"I'm am sure he would never just kick me out though." Just be aware that he could - I would have an exit strategy if I were you, start a savings account, try and sort out your credit record, think about where else you might live.
How old are you? You sound quite young to me. I must say I'd be tempted to cut my losses if I were you. I don't doubt you love him, but I wonder how much he loves you. "He says I can't hold him responsible for my failure to look into things" - true enough, but he hasn't exactly gone out of his way to reassure you that he'll put things right has he? Not really the response I'd have been looking for in your shoes. As a previous poster pointed out the cheapest option would be to get married, but I don't see any mention of that. I'm not banging the drum for marriage here, but it would at least make his intention clear - it sounds to me as if you are committed to him, but you have to ask yourself whether he is really committed to you.

I was in a similar situation - i lived in my partners house which he owned with his brother and i paid rent to him via a bank transfer or just by cash.

I am now however now on the morgage- His brother wanted out so i was put on which has been a good outcome for all really.

I do understand your hesitance to go down the 'legal' route though as it will definitely drive more of a wedge between you both as having the 'doubt' that 'if we split' conversations will put a negative on your relationship.

If you set up a standing order to his bank that you called 'morgage payment' which was really rent as you pay now, would this have any presidence should it all go wrong - act as proof I mean that you were contributing??

Milkandwine,

re your comment:-
"So you can't be next of kin unless married?"

You are not related to each other in law; as his live in partner you have no legal standing in law at all with regards to this important matter. You have no status and no rights to his property. You have placed yourself in an extremely vulnerable position.

I used to underwrite mortgages. On that application form he would have had to declare you and him as occupiers of that property. This is done by the mortgage company for insurance purposes. That has no legal bearing on your situation now.

You may well so desparately want this relationship to work but what is he really doing to reassure you, making sure that you are treated right by him?.
The short answer to that is nothing, at the moment you are convenient for him to use. What are your own instincts telling you now?.

Why are you so desparate to make this whole relationship work?. That thorny question needs your consideration. You want it to work, is he really bothered about you?. I think not actually.

And if you were to do a will please do not do a DIY WHSmiths type job as these can go easily so very wrong and be declared invalid leaving you in further mess. It all needs to be done properly by a Solicitor.

Milkandwine,

re your comment:-

"If I was named as next of kin would that give me control of his estate? It is ridiculous that I am not next of kin. I wasen't happy about it at the time either. His opinion seems to be that because parents gave him the deposit they should be next of kin. Sometimes I feel like he is more concerned with his parents getting their deposit back than with where I would go if he died. He says that isin't true and that a) He isin't going to die and b) If he did his parents would see me allright (which I'm sure thay would as they are lovely but that isin't really the point imo)"

His parents are next of kin anyway in law. He is related to them as are they to he. You are currently his live in partner and as such have no legal status or legal protection.

I think you should start listening to your gut instinct some more. I think you have had a hard time anyway these past few years.

I smiled at a) - that's a first!. Well I am afraid I have bad news for him on that front.

As for point b his parents would not necessarily have to see you alright if their son died suddently or intestate. No, they have no obligation to you at all. It all needs frank discussion and this has clearly not happened. If he threw you out you have no legal rights re the property even though you have made some basic financial contributions to it.

For the avoidance of doubt, I only suggested a DIY will kit so that the OP can gauge her DP's reaction.

If DP reacts well to your DIY will, and gives you the reassurance you need to stay, then get a solicitor to draw up your will as Attila says.

CinnabarRed

Sorry, I only saw what you were exactly getting at re the DIY will after my posting.

My guess is he will never agree to any such terms drawn up in any will.

He has covered his own self well legally and thus leaving the OP very vulnerable to his whims.

That's my guess too Attila. I hope we'll be proved wrong.

OP - what is the going market rate for a single room rental in your area? Is your contribution to the mortgage and council tax and water less, or more than that going market rate.

Because if he is going to play 'you can't have best of both worlds' then so can you. He cannot have you subsidising his mortgage to his financial benefit, and refuse to put you on the deeds of the house. If you are just a lodger - in legal and financial terms - then perhaps you are due a rent cut?