Buying a house, biggest mistake ever?

[MilkandWine]

Hi all
Need others opinions on this issue, all replies hugely appreciated.

Myself and DP have lived in our house since last April. House and mortgage is in DPs name only. This is because when we went to apply we were told by the mortgage advisor that as I am self employed and have a bad credit rating it would be really hard to get a shared mortgage. To be honest I would have been just as happy to rent somewhere but DP really wanted to buy. The house we ended up in has potential but needs loads of work doing to it (Has no GCH, needs new kitchen, bathroom etc). As niether of us earn a lot of money however the work still hasen't been done. I was unsure about the house in first place as I was concerned where money would come from to do it up. DP insisted all would work out though and so the house was bought!

We pay half each on the bills in general. Some months however I can't afford to pay all of my 'half' which can be a bit of an issue. I always contribute towards shopping, toiletries etc and about 95% of cleaning, cooking and general upkeep is done by me.

Yesterday we went shopping and were in the Mac shop (His laptop is on it's last legs). After we had left shop DP made a comment that he might use the money he has saved up for Gas Central Heating to be put in to buy a Mac. I got upset and told him I thought that was a really inappropriate thing to say. We have no central heating and that money really needs to be put towards that. His reply was that I hadn't contributed to the heating fund so it wasen't upto me what he does with the money. It turned into a big row with him saying buying the house had 'Driven a wedge between us' and that the house would never get done if I won't contribute towards the fund to do so.

Is he being unfair or am I? Yes I haven't contributed towards heating fund etc. Mainly because my name isin't on house so if we spilt I get nothing and have helped paid to do his house up! Also I wasen't bothered about buying in the first place. I would have happily rented as we couldn't get a joint mortgage. Surely he, by deciding to go ahead anyway, has created the wedge?

So am I an unreasonable cow or not? I really have no idea!

Wow thankyou for all your replies guys.

Timeformeisfree-No I don't have a will and my DP hasen't one either. When we discussed it a while back about what would happen if he died he seemed to think the house would go to his parents? (They lent him the deposit to buy)

I'm going to sound like a total idiot here but I had no idea about deeds. I thought if I couldn't be on mortgage I wouldn't be able to claim any right of ownership on the house. Actually I'm slightly furious now as DP never made any mention of deeds and I didn't look into it to be fair.

The mortgage comes out of his account and I give him the money for my half of bills/mortgage. I tried setting us up a joint account a while ago but the banks were incredibly unhelpful about it. Made it nigh on impossible and I gave up!

Aurynne-I had no idea I could go on the deeds and I honestly feel like a fool. Sometimes I think I stick my head in the sand and just hope things will all work out and like you say it doesn't work that way!

Another problem is that my DP doesn't seem to think of the house as a place to grow old together. He sees it as nothing more than something to do up and sell so that we can move somewhere better. I find his brutally practical attitude really rubs me up the wrong way sometimes. I find it hard to get enthusiastic about the house because it doesn't feel like a home we are setting up together a lot of the time. Does that make sense?

We do really need to sit down and talk. He gets annoyed though when I bring up the mortgage thing. I honestly wish we had never bought the place, our relationship has gone downhill since we did. I have so much upset simmering under the surface. I try to push it all down and it works for a while but then it comes back to the surface. Sometimes I feel like he doesn't care about me like I do about him and I am just kidding myself

How about a hypothetical bill for the 95% housework you do? You are contributing in that way!

I think you should pay the CAB a visit to find out exactly how you stand legally and what you have to do to protect yourself.

Know someone who was left with nothing basically after 23! years living together!!
She thought "lurve" is all you need.......

"Sometimes I feel like he doesn't care about me like I do about him and I am just kidding myself" That's the question you need to ask him - and remember actions speak louder than words. Do you think DP would be prepared to put your name on the deeds? You are paying half the mortgage and bills, but you have no stake in the house. Would DP be able to afford to live there without your help?
"He sees it as nothing more than something to do up and sell so that we can move somewhere better" - if you both had a stake in the house this would be a laudable aim, but as things stand the only person who stands to gain is him.
"It doesn't feel like a home we are setting up together a lot of the time. Does that make sense?" - That makes total sense and I think you need to trust your gut instinct here. You need to tell him how you feel. The fact that the subject is already causing bad feeling does not bode well in my opinion.
You need to have that conversation. My point is that if he really cares about you and wants a future with you he'll do the right thing - put your name on the deeds, make you feel equal in the partnership, marry you, whatever it takes. If he won't then he's hedging his bets. It doesn't mean you have to split up, but at least you'll know where you stand.

"I honestly wish we had never bought the place"

it isnt "we" is it?

HE bought it in his name. you have no rights to it.

go to relate if you want to work on your relationship together but really legally speaking - you are just his live-in lodger, that is all.

Yes I haven't contributed towards heating fund etc. Mainly because my name isin't on house so if we spilt I get nothing and have helped paid to do his house up!

Strictly speaking if you've contributed towards the upkeep of the house, the mortgage or bills then in theory you are entitled to make a claim on the house, despite not being named on the deeds. Who's account does the mortgage come out of? That said, it could be an expensive fight if it came to it.

At the end of the day though, it sounds like you are aware of your legal position and that sentence to me speaks volumes.

So you don't want to/can't contribute to the house which is fine. But then you can't blame your BF for deciding to spend his money the way HE wants to. You can't have it both ways.

It just doesn't sound like a great relationship to me, sorry.

My DP owns the house we live in jointly, and I pay half of everything. It wouldn't enter my mind not to pay anything to maintain 'his' house, as it is 'our' house!

As an unmarried couple you have no rights to his property, but you could do what DP and I did and make a will where you leave everything to each other.

If DP and I split up, technically I could leave with nothing. But I trust that we will either stay together, or split amicably. We did look into having my name put on the deeds but this would have cost over 1k.

Ultimately, DP and I have a lot invested in our planned, shared future (we have DS now too), and I'm happy for him to 'own' the house.

At the end of the day, if you were happy renting, then you are effectively still renting, only DP is now your landlord. You could leave with nothing but then that's what happens when you rent.

I don't understand why his name is on the mortgage only? When we bought our first flat many moons ago, because dh earned more than me, we borrowed the money in his name only BUT my name was put on as well. There is no way I would've had it any other way tbh.

OP haven't you posted before about how you are in love with another man from afar?

This relationship doesn't sound very equal to me. It sounds like your P railroaded you into making a financial committment (or rather, becoming somewhat financially dependant on him) and is now abusing that inequality.

...you can get married at the regristry office for 100 quid, you know...
and celebrate with a big party when you have the funds.

sorry to hear what you are going through, but great advice from the ladies as usual!

morriszapp - if you split amicably you will still have no automatic legal right to half the equity etc. spend 1000 and get your name on the deeds - or as was said, do a cheap marriage ceremony. whatever you feel now - you just dont know what may happen in future. either you or him. if you that invested - invest the 1k to get your name on the property

if he dies you are fine - but if for whatever reason you split -then you wont be fine without legal court fees etc.

Hi all

Yes Madonnawhore that was me . I'm trying really hard to put that all behind me though and move on with my life. Hence my self help book reading etc to try and improve myself/proper relationship. I know it makes me sound like I don't love my DP but I honestly do hangs head in shame.

Valiumreadhead- His name only is one the mortgage because we were told by mortgage advisor that because of my bad credit rating it would go against his application if I was named on the mortgage again. I was told I could be added later 'at a cost'. I've never bought a house before nor has partner so we didn't query her. No mention of deeds was even made, I didn't know they existed to be truthful. I'm cringing in hindsight at how niave I have been.

Anyway we spoke about it last night and his opinion is that basically I was happy to leave it to him at the time but now I've been reading up on it and I'm starting to panic about it all. He says I can't hold him responsible for my failure to look into things. Which is probably true to be honest (if a little harsh in his way of saying it perhaps). He says he just went on advice of the mortgage advisor (which is true). He says that if I was so concerned about an equal stake in house I would have asked my parents for half the deposit instead of letting his parents supply it all. I expressed my concern that as things stand if he dies his parents will get the house not me. He says that I can draw something up legally if I want but he wants to make sure it ensures that if he dies his parnets get back their 10% and I don't keep everything. His mother is named as his next of kin on the mortgage as well so would I need to look into that? I was at work during that particular mortgage advise session. I recall being rather upset about the fact he had named his mother not me. His defence is that he 'Didn't know what else to say'.

I think we also both need to look into making wills as niether I nor partner have one at present.

Also he says he will put me on the mortgage if I can go on it but not just the deeds. In his words I will have the 'best of both worlds' if I just go on the deeds. So if it turns out I can only go on the deeds then he won't agree to it. He says I have to trust him.

So I'm going to look into it and see where I stand. It's all a bit shit to be honest, I'm not sure how I feel and it just makes me a bit sad. It's my own fault for being an idiot though I guess.

Sorry for spelling mistakes and typos there btw

If he was to decide to throw you out, he can do this. You have no legal claim whatsoever on the property as you are not named on either the mortgage or title deeds.

I think you need to find out exactly where you stand legally pronto because this guy is taking you for a fool. The sad thing also is that you have actively let him use you like this. Why?.

Why are you together at all?. This whole relationship is totally unbalanced and he holds all the cards. I think you were railroaded into this by him and you have blindly gone along with hoping that he will see right by you. I do not think he will, he is only thinking of his own self here and you are but a secondary consideration.

You and he are not related legally to each other. His parents are his next of kin. If he dies his parents will control his estate, you will not be able to deal with any of it. His parents may or may not decide to be charitable. As his unmarried partner you cannot open Letters of Administration for his estate nor choose his headstone.

I think you love him also far more than he loves you.

Why are you reading all these self improvement books exactly; I would also write re that matter that it is not you but him who needs to become more loving.

Consider the money you've been paying as the cost of shelter, same as if you were renting.

Because you'd have a better relationship with a flatmate, probably.

Find a flat to rent or a room in a shared house and move on.

You have no ties to this man.

And what Attila said.

Attila- I don't know why I let myself get into such a ridiculous situation. He insists that he wasen't trying to diddle me at all and that he assumed I could be added onto the mortgage later on. To be fair I haven't looked into it all so I'm going to do that asap. If I can get on the mortgage I will but if I can't (or it costs too much money to do so) then I guess I'm screwed and it's my own stupid fault

If I was named as next of kin would that give me control of his estate? It is ridiculous that I am not next of kin. I wasen't happy about it at the time either. His opinion seems to be that because parents gave him the deposit they should be next of kin. Sometimes I feel like he is more concerned with his parents getting their deposit back than with where I would go if he died. He says that isin't true and that a) He isin't going to die and b) If he did his parents would see me allright (which I'm sure thay would as they are lovely but that isin't really the point imo)

It scares me what you say about me loving him more than he loves me. I said the very same words to him last night when we were discussing it. He says I am being ridiculous but sometimes that is how I feel. I am reading the books I guess because I really want our relationship to work and I want to try and find out that it is I am doing wrong and how I can improve things. Sounds utterly pathetic maybye but I really want things to work out between us.

Milk could you not at least draw up a rental agreement with him, so that he can not just show you the door but give you "proper notice"?

you second question: no when you are not married you are not "next of kin" in a legal sense.

I really think you should give him an ultimatum to include you in the deeds by... or just leave. you would still get away considerably cheaply, considering you didn't pay rent during the past year.

if you dont have children then forget it and move on.
sorri to be harsh.
but if you start having children with this man it will be even more of a mess.

it isnt about how much you think you love him.
that is irrelevant.

of course he wants to protect his parents so they get back their deposit. who are you to the parents? nothing.

You are a lodger in his house. That's how he sees you, as pound signs.

Don't you think you're worth more than this?

This isn't how you treat people you love, the way he's treating you.

I don't think you can go on deeds without being on the mortgage and I also think you probably signed something from the mortgage company to the effect that you had no claim on the house as you are an adult living there but not on the mortgage - if that makes sense.

Doesn't sound like either of you are terribly committed really though.

He says I have to trust him

No. You have done this so far, and look where it has got you. It's time to go one step better - trust yourself.

Trust your niggles, trust that 'internal sigh' you feel when you're yet again strangers living side-by-side, trust the, "Well, he says x, but the situation seems like y"

Time to take life by the cojones - assess your finances, learn your legal rights, speak to your parents, speak to your friends - whatever the outcome, if you stay together or not, you'll be in a much stronger position. You can do it!

Mouseymouse- I suppose we could actually, I never thought of that. I'm am sure he would never just kick me out though. He says himself he would never do that. Well unless I cheated on him of course but I would never do that anyway.

So you can't be next of kin unless married? I didn't know that. I am going to have to dig deeper into it all (although I already should have, I am stupid I know)

I have had different info regarding the deeds depending on where I've looked. Most places seem to say it is different and you CAN be on deeds and not mortgage. It makes little difference either way though, he has made it clear he won't put me on deeds without being on mortgage.

Oh and I did pay rent during last year, as I pay half of the mortgage on house now (and half the bills).

Mrs CampbellBlack- I hear what you are saying, I need to look into deeds/mortgage stuff. I signed nothing at all when he got house though, it is completely in his name. I can see it may sound as If I'm not committed but I am. I really want things to work out. I didn't want to buy a house at all, I would have preferred to rent until we could afford to buy jointly. It was partner who wanted to buy so went ahead when I had no money to contribute and a bad credit rating. I do feel as if he has put what was best for him before what was best for us. But as he says I didn't really speak up like I should have at the time so really it's my own fault I suppose. He says I am the least practical person he has ever met and he is right unfortunately.

and why live in a house with no heating? if you thinking children - think seriously.

Hmm - I once lived with someone who bought a house in his name and he had to declare who else lived in the house and I had to sign something - does his mortgage company even know you live there I wonder?