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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

marriage is falling apart

76 replies

totallylost · 16/05/2011 13:22

No idea where to start with this. About three months ago DH had a kind of breakdown, he started having panic attacks, shaking, not able to leave the house. He went to doctor who gave him anti depressants which she said were also an anti anxiety thing. He was also signed up to have counselling. He was signed off work for 6 weeks. I supported him as best I could, gave him space if he needed it, sat with him for hours when he needed it. After six weeks he told me he couldn't live with me anymore, that arguing with me had made him ill and that he didn't love me or even like me anymore.

He rented a house but before he moved out he asked if we could still see each other, he wanted to date me again, to force him self to spend time with me and do stuff with me and see if he could fall in love with me.

Previously we had argued about him never wanting to do anything with me and when he told me he was leaving he said he resented having to do stuff with me.

I let him go and to start with we saw each other a couple of times a week and it was great, but then its like he wanted to sabotage it, to mess it up before it all went wrong.

We know swing from him not wanting to try, not loving me etc to he wants to come back and try again and then he runs away again.

He has finally started his counselling and seems more optimistic and we are currently trying again with him saying he really means he is going to try this time. But I am struggling to cope. Every day I am waiting to see which man comes home.

Don't know what I expect from this but just had to get it all out.

OP posts:
Original poster
totallylost · 24/05/2011 19:50

I was not welcoming enough of him today so he has gone 'home'. Figure 'not welcoming' enough meant not chasing round after him showing how much I want him. Have told him not to come back.

OP posts:
Saffysmum · 24/05/2011 20:23

Well done totally - now use your time to focus on you and want you want. It didn't take him long to realise that you mean business; he's got a lot of growing up to do, and only he can do that. So focus on you now, and take as long as you need - don't let him emotionally blackmail you - he will probably have a "crisis" now, hoping you'll revert back to who he wants you to be - but ignore it - let him lean on professionals not you.

Original poster
totallylost · 24/05/2011 20:34

Thanks Saffysmum. Doesn't matter what I do will never be the right thing for him. He wants space, he's got it, sure he thinks he can breeze back when he fancies, probably thinks I am sitting sobbing over him. Think he might be in for a shock!

OP posts:
braidedsilver · 28/05/2011 00:35

Totallylost Please don't take this the wrong way, but here's what I think:

Your H is having an affair and being strung along himself. As she plays with him he plays with you. Your H doesn't sound like the type of guy who handles stress well. It's likely the stress of carrying on made him snap. It may seem weird, but I think it's a possibility. I don't want to make you feel worse about your situation, and I certainly hope I'm wrong, but that's what I take from the situation.

Remember, none of this is your fault. You're a strong vibrant woman and as much as you may want him, you don't need him to be a damn good mom and a wonderful partner to some lucky guy.

Original poster
totallylost · 28/05/2011 00:37

Have thought the same myself, will never know I guess

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braidedsilver · 28/05/2011 00:48

BTW (re: your other thread) If you're going to wallow I highly recommend Coconut ice cream as a comfort food.

If he's carrying on behind your back it's only a matter of time before you'll know for sure. I sincerely hope that's not the case, that it's just some issues he has that are causing things. He's being a dog though and you deserve better. I know it's soon, but maybe you should go on dates? Re-discover yourself and an attractive woman.

Original poster
totallylost · 28/05/2011 00:57

oh bugger think the reason I am so miserable is that I DID have a date today. Met a guy for coffee at lunchtime. He was a really nice guy, kept telling me how lovely I was how confident and charming blah blah how I deserved to be treated like a queen how my ex must be crazy. Just all left me cold. Just wanted my ex to be the one telling me that.

Basically with ex I just dont think he knows how to have a relationship, he has never had a proper relationship where he has had to consider others feelings. Have started counselling and my counsellor things he has some issues with forming relationships with women. He doesn't seem to like himself very much at the moment, he wont talk to any friends or family and says he just wants time to learn to like himself again.

OP posts:
Original poster
totallylost · 28/05/2011 09:31

Got it into my head it must be an affair that has caused all this. His mobile is in my name and have just checked details of all his calls in the last week on line. Nothing suspicious. Feel like a stalker now. I know I don't need a reason for why this is all over - its just all over doesn't make any difference why so why can't I just leave it alone? Its like constantly picking at a scab.

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Original poster
totallylost · 28/05/2011 11:40

He is really helpful not, looks like I should delete him from facebook

Copied from my facebook -

Status-
Wishes my mind had a delete button!!

      o
   EXH mine has a delete button, its just stuck on permanent
        29 minutes ago · LikeUnlike
      o
      ME want to swap?
        25 minutes ago · LikeUnlike
          
       EXH i would like to swap but then i would be organised and sane,

thats no fun
2 minutes ago · LikeUnlike
o
ME indeed not, it is no fun at all
A few seconds ago · Like

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Original poster
totallylost · 29/05/2011 18:40

Just been spending so time reading back through all the advice given and realised I didn't even register it first time round. So thankyou again everyone who has contributed and sorry if it wasn't acknowledged at the time. Tend to post in the midst of my misery which isn't a great time to be objective.

He has moved out, neither of us is saying its over yet, just having some space and time out. Think we both need to find ourselves again first before we can rediscover each other.

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Original poster
totallylost · 12/06/2011 18:51

Feeling much stronger. Have started counselling which is really helping me deal with other issues I have which seem to affect how I react in relationships. Having a lot more 'me time' and getting on with life. Am a much happier and relaxed person than a month ago.

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Saffysmum · 12/06/2011 19:44

That's so good to hear totally; I've been thinking about you. Onwards and upwards. Has he been in contact at all?

Original poster
totallylost · 12/06/2011 19:52

Hi Saffysmum, yes he is very much in contact and we have been doing some honest talking. We are getting on much better and he is starting to decrease his ADs and continuing with counselling which means we can actually talk lol. I am finally starting to enjoy living with me and while seeing him is great it is no longer the centre of my world and my reason for living which I now see it used to be :(. Can honestly say now that if we work through our problems and get back together it will be great but if we don't it won't be the end of my world and will just not be meant to be.

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Saffysmum · 12/06/2011 19:57

You sound so much more balanced and in control. It is great that you realise that you can cope on your own if need be. Focus on what you want, and don't compromise; what I mean is, you deserve so much, and he has to prove to you that he's worth taking back. So stick to your guns, you're doing so well.

Original poster
totallylost · 12/06/2011 19:59

lol I am a new woman. I have told him that even if he wanted to come back I would not let him at the moment. We both have to be sure that its what we want and that it is good for both of us. I can see now that I did make him the centre of my world and relied on him completely to make me happy. Now I just make myself happy, so anything he does is a bonus and he has been great.

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Original poster
totallylost · 16/06/2011 19:17

Aaaarrrghhhhhh, feel better for that. Why is it the same old same old? Had enough!!!

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Saffysmum · 16/06/2011 19:19

Spill totally....I'm listening, what's happened?

Original poster
totallylost · 16/06/2011 19:23

Oh he is so bloody predictable its depressing. Talking, being nice, regular contact, all happy and THEN......grrr why the hell does he insist on sabotaging everything once it is going well. He is such a bloody coward. Have told him to piss off and not to bother even thinking of contacting me unless he is prepared to do something different.

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Original poster
totallylost · 16/06/2011 19:25

I just don't need this (resigned voice) so I am not going to have it.

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Saffysmum · 16/06/2011 19:29

When you say he has "sabotaged" everything ...can you say what he's done?

Hope you're ok.

Wisedupwoman · 16/06/2011 19:31

I think it takes time for 'no contact' to really mean just that, tbh. No contact so he gets the message that you're not just waiting for him to back down, you're actually using it to rebuild your own life without a space for him in it, necessarily.

That's what I take no contact to mean.

Original poster
totallylost · 16/06/2011 19:37

I'm fine, used to it now. Well what he does in, puts in lots of effort, gets me back on side and convinces me that he really wants us to work and is confident it will and then when everything is happy and going well he backs off. Its like he is scared of getting too close. We talk it through when I can finally get him to stop running away and he says he panics about seeing me, he feels sick, he is unsure of what he wants.

I have very calmly and unemotionally told him that these problems are his and not mine and I can't take on the role of counselling/advising him through this. That he has to actually start using the strategies his counsellor has told him and that he has to be honest with her and not tell her thinks are ok when they aren't. He has gone off to the doctors now to talk about his AD's and has promised he will try to get some more counselling. Don't believe him though. What he will do is go home, stew over it, decide he has done nothing wrong and that its all my fault. Bury his head in the sand and forget that he has admitted he has problems and that he wants them dealt with. In two or three days time he will start missing me, decide that I am the best thing since splice bread and that he can't live with me again. And then usually the cycle will beginning again.....except this time a major cog in that cycle will be missing. Because I am not sticking around to ride this merry go round again.

OP posts:
Saffysmum · 16/06/2011 19:52

He can only keep playing this game with you if he has someone to play with. So stop playing him is the right thing to do. As you say, get off this merry go round.

He really does have a lot of issues/growing up to sort/do, before you can even think about a future with him.

You can read him like a book, and believe me, I know how frustrating it is to watch someone screw up. But he really has to work through all this on his own, and grow and develop.

Wiseys right - no contact, from now. No asking him about how the drs went, or anything. Let him have space to sort out his head, to really grasp the enormity of his decision. You say he gets so far, then decides he can't live with you again. So then he repeats the cycle, .... so stop this. He says he can't live with you. Fine. Let him have a long time living without you. Force the issue. And in that time, please focus on what you want. Make this your priority - he's an adult, he can go through this alone...he has to. You need to have time to stop propping him up, and start focusing on you.

Take care - and put yourself first love.

Original poster
totallylost · 16/06/2011 20:02

Yep, no contact.

Reading him like a book is so depressing. I know what he is going to do and what he is thinking so why the bloody hell have I kept hoping it was going to change. He didn't have to change, just make noises about intending too. He has had three months to start those changes and stick with them so think I have been more than fair.

Think it finally hit me yesterday when I had my counselling and my counsellor apologised for being unprofessional for allowing her face to register a reaction to what I was telling her. This may just be a counselling technique but its the same reaction friends have been giving me too :(

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Saffysmum · 16/06/2011 21:03

Yes, you've been more than fair. So please start being fair on yourself. You can't change him or make him think how you want him to; he has to do this for himself. Counsellor and friends jaws hitting the floor - I know that look. It's the look I got off family and friends and my solicitor, when I finally told them about the life I had led with a man who wanted out - a man I spent a futile year with trying to be what he wanted. The man who I now realised treated me like dirt on his shoe. If my daughters ever put up with what I put up with for that year and more, I would move heaven and earth to get them to see sense. If my sons ever treated a woman the way their father treated me - god help them. Look to the future - your future. His is his own.

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