marriage is falling apart

[totallylost]

No idea where to start with this. About three months ago DH had a kind of breakdown, he started having panic attacks, shaking, not able to leave the house. He went to doctor who gave him anti depressants which she said were also an anti anxiety thing. He was also signed up to have counselling. He was signed off work for 6 weeks. I supported him as best I could, gave him space if he needed it, sat with him for hours when he needed it. After six weeks he told me he couldn't live with me anymore, that arguing with me had made him ill and that he didn't love me or even like me anymore.

He rented a house but before he moved out he asked if we could still see each other, he wanted to date me again, to force him self to spend time with me and do stuff with me and see if he could fall in love with me.

Previously we had argued about him never wanting to do anything with me and when he told me he was leaving he said he resented having to do stuff with me.

I let him go and to start with we saw each other a couple of times a week and it was great, but then its like he wanted to sabotage it, to mess it up before it all went wrong.

We know swing from him not wanting to try, not loving me etc to he wants to come back and try again and then he runs away again.

He has finally started his counselling and seems more optimistic and we are currently trying again with him saying he really means he is going to try this time. But I am struggling to cope. Every day I am waiting to see which man comes home.

Don't know what I expect from this but just had to get it all out.

[totallylost]

Reading through some old diaries earlier really hit home as how long this has been going on for and how bad I had been feeling for so long.

Note the "how bad I HAD been". I'm really ok, no strong desire to conact him, no checking my phone every five minutes in case I missed a message. Looking forward to going to bed and being able to read until I am ready to go to sleep.

Out with a friend tomorrow night and meeting another friend on Saturday afternoon so lots to look forward to. :)

Damn bloody phone bleeped as I typed that, fingers crossed it is a friend.

[totallylost]

Phew that goodness for that, was friend checking I was still on for tomorrow :)

Watch out Norwich here we come lol

[Mouseface]

Totallylost - I've been peeking in and out of your thread. I have to say Bloody well done you!

As hard as this is, you are on the right track and doing brilliantly.

It's time for some YOU time.

[totallylost]

Hi Mouse, it is time for ME!!! and I am going to enjoy it. Maybe I needed the last few months to slowly adjust to him being around less and less. Don't have the sudden shock of adjusting because I have already done it.

[Saffysmum]

You in Norwich tomorrow night?!! You're after that puppet man - I just know you are! Are you going to paint our lovely city red? Go for it girl!! We have a pub for every street you know - (thank god!)

[Wisedupwoman]

Totally, I want to add that my form of no contact also includes not reading any texts/emails/answering the phone/face to face - nothing whatsoever. They get deleted or bounce back to him.

I know that were I to even glance at any of them - kaput- all the bad stuff comes rushing back. So I don't.

[totallylost]

Thanks Wise, will try to stick to that advice, will be safe for at least the next three days, I know him too well lol

Yes Saffy Norwich will be painted tomorrow, starting cheap in the glasshouse. Puppet man will have to wait til Saturday when I will be in his area for coffee with a friend. I think maybe the puppet man (however odd he seems) may be much more straightforward than my latest complication lol

[totallylost]

hate him hate him hate him

[Mouseface]

totally - sorry only just seen this sweets, you okay? x

[totallylost]

I'm plodding on. He has come off his AD's and tells me he has spent the whole weekend crying whenever he thinks about me.

[totallylost]

So we have gone from Friday him getting incredibly angry with me to crying and so sorry for what he has done. Bit of a shock for him finally getting some emotion back. Zero contacting obviously going well lol

[halohasslipped]

A really dear girlfriend has just ended up divorced as her husband had such bad depression and turned it onto her. The saddest thing is that he is now (after 3 years) coming good but it's too late. She had fought so hard but their time ran out. I hope your husband gets the help he needs and quickly.

[totallylost]

Some days I want to just throw the towel in and some days I think I have carried on for this long maybe the change is just around the corner. He wants to get help and wants us to go to counselling together. He has said this before though and then changed his mind. Maybe know he has some emotion back........

At least I am coping better :)

[halohasslipped]

Coming of his AD's doesn't sound like a good thing to me.

[totallylost]

Who knows what a good thing is?!? He has calmed down a little today I think.

[Mouseface]

Did he come off his ADs slowly or just stop? He should wean himself off them.

What was he on? I'm pleased you are feeling better, that's a HUGE bonus but be careful not to get tangled up in his emotions.

[totallylost]

No he has listened to his doctor and had been slowly reducing the dose. Was on 30mg Seroxat and slowly went down to 20 then 10.

I can't do the completely ignoring him. Yesterday he was crying and upset because (although he wanted it) he thought he had lost me for good. He was also slightly panicked by the amount of crying he was doing but I told him maybe it just needed to come out and it was a good release.

I am no longer as emotionally involved and I definitely don't blame myself for any of this like I used to do. He is a good man and really do think he just lost himself for a while. At the moment I can support him without it affecting my emotional well being. If/when I can't I will back off.

[totallylost]

I know some will say the way he is behaving is manipulative and maybe it is and maybe it isn't. Whether he was crying and saying he didn't want to lose me or whether he was calm and saying he was still not ready to give up I would still be there wanting to carry on.

[chris123456]

Why is he coming off meds when his mental health issues remain?

[totallylost]

I'm not sure whether his mental health issues are still there.

[totallylost]

His doctor thought he was ok to come off them.

[chris123456]

Well his recent behaviour suggests he is still panicking - he needs to sort out his mental health through meds and counselling and only then address any relationship issues with you when those are resolved.

[totallylost]

I get what you are saying Chris but he was initally prescribed AD's because he was having panic attacks and unable to function normally at all. They were only meant as a short term thing while he started counselling. He is only panicking about us and maybe thats because we are just not right together. His counsellor recommended joint relationship counselling to try and work through how he is feeling and why. As we are the cause of his panic I'm not sure how they will just go away. It is a bit of a chicken and egg scenario. Was he depressed because of us or was the depression affecting how he felt about us? He thought distance and time would help but he is still worrying about getting it all wrong and losing me when he doesn't want to. He is not panicking constantly.

[chris123456]

Well I'm no medic - all I can relate is having lived with a depressive, the meds and couselling took about 2 years to kick in. If it is depression then coming off the meds so quickly without any obvious improvement seems strange.

The point I was trying to make is that it clearly pointless to have any joint counselling while he is in a complete mess. He needs to take responsibility for his mental health on his own.

[totallylost]

There is improvement in other areas of his life, he is back to work, he wants to go out and do things. The only thing that hasn't improved is how he relates to us. He moved out nearly three months ago. Maybe he feels panicked because he doesn't feel I will hang around for ever with no sort of relationship with him til he 'gets better'.