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Original poster

Childcare bs work chestnut. Help me talk rationally and without a breadknife.

26 replies

messybessie · 16/05/2011 12:47

Help

I have an ongoing battle with DH over childcare.

His view is that he CAN'T be responsible for the children due to his work commitments. I see it that he won't.

He works full time, involving a lot of driving. I work part-time, freelance, mostly from home.

I gave up my employed position because I wanted to be around more. I wanted to do the school run etc. Most of the time it works fine. DH has breakfast with them while I get ready, then he gets ready and leaves while I take them to school.

However SOMETIMES I have work commitments which means it would really help if he could do the school run, if I have a meeting etc. But he won't. Even when he's working from home Angry.

This morning I had to catch a train and he wouldn't even help me put the kids in the car because he was 'already at work'

This evening I am late back and my sister has to pick them up from the childminder as 'he can't guarantee he'll be back'

Whenever we talk about it it turns into a row.

Help.

OP posts:
AnnieLobeseder · 16/05/2011 12:51

Of course he should help and take responsibility. They're his children FFS.

I cannot for the life of me understand why women put up with men who think that any of the domestic work isn't their responsibility.

Apart from agreeing with you, not sure what helpful advice I can offer though, if he's determined to be a selfish prick.

I assume he's happy enough to spend the money you bring in, even though he won't help you earn it?

mossi · 16/05/2011 14:40

I don't think you're alone with this one. My dh does his fair share round the house - quite often more than his fair share, happily does the food shop on his way home from work. But will not, will not take my dc to school in the morning. Even though, he has time to do this before getting to work. There are times when I've been unwell or upset and have really felt like not going to the school. But I can only think of one occasion when he did, which was when I was in hospital having an operation. I have a friend who's dh also refuses to drop off/collect - even if he's got a day's holiday. It's very strange.

wearenotinkansas · 16/05/2011 16:20

if he can't do it when you're working why don't you tell him you'll need to hire someone to do it for you (I have v. helpful student who does this) - and he can foot the bill.

PorkChopSter · 16/05/2011 16:37

He seems to think that he is more important than you.

IThinkTooMuch · 16/05/2011 17:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Imnotaslimjim · 16/05/2011 17:29

If my DH is working from home, he does the school run (both ways) unless he is doing an absolutely crucial bit of work

I think your DH is being a selfish prat and should be a little more flexible - its one of the benefits of working from home!

ChaoticAngelQueenofAnarchy · 16/05/2011 20:13
Original poster
messybessie · 16/05/2011 21:25

Hmm - glad to see I'm not being unreasonable.

The evening went well, although annoyingly. My sister agreed to pick them up and bring them home as DH couldn't guarantee to be back on time. Of course he was back on time so it was a bit of a waste of her time. Grr.

By the time I returned DH had given them their bath, got them into their pyjamas etc and all was well - everyone was happy.

It's not that he doesn't do his fair share around the house, or with the children - but it's the obligation aspect that causes the problem.

I understand his point that we rely on his wages for our day to day living. His job is permanent (although he has been made redundant a couple of times) and he hasn't always worked for the most sympathetic bosses. But I don't think it's as inflexible as he's making out.

OP posts:
renaldo · 16/05/2011 21:33

Dh is a surgeon and br ings the children to school 2/ 3 morning a week because I work too. We are both parents so share responsibility - I've just spent a week away ŵith work and he managed the 3 dcs and work ( with a little help from my lovely friends)

dollius · 16/05/2011 22:30

How ridiculous. I am the main breadwinner in our household (by a fair stretch), but do I expect DH to take all the responsibility for childcare? No of course I bloody don't - we split it 50-50, or we fill in for each other as and when necessary. When DH was the main breadwinner, we also shared it.
Your H is being a twit.

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 17/05/2011 01:24

Your H is being resistant on this one issue because it's his way of making it clear that he is the man and therefore his work and his needs take priority, and he wants you to understand that you can't make him do anything he doesn't want to do. What he needs is a good kick in the cock.

TheSkiingGardener · 17/05/2011 03:37

He's being a tit.

I wanted to say a lot more. But that's what it boils down to.

Tit.

TheSkiingGardener · 17/05/2011 06:12

He's being a tit.

I wanted to say a lot more. But that's what it boils down to.

Tit.

Original poster
messybessie · 17/05/2011 07:49

Good feedback, thank you.

But I need solutions here people! Non-violent ones if possible.

Confront him head on and tell him he's a misogynist bastard.
All his mates do the school run at least once a week so I'm trying peer pressure.

OP posts:
TheSkiingGardener · 17/05/2011 07:57

Sit him down and tell him how his refusal makes you feel. That you feel devalued and as if he feels his time is more important. Ask him why he pits his foot down like this about this one thing.

If he refuses to discuss it tell him how that feels too. Disrespected and unvalued spring to mind

Good luck

MavisG · 17/05/2011 08:15

Yes, tell him how you feel, including, if true:

  • less attracted to him
  • less able to appreciate what he does do/his good points
  • less proud (I would actually be embarrassed) to be married to him.
I'm projecting, because my husband isn't sexist and doesn't feel entitled: we have similar jobs set-up to you and his actions in taking on half the work of our house/family and equating my work commitments with his make him more attractive to me, help me notice and appreciate all he does do far more than what he doesn't and make me feel privileged to be married to him. I don't mean to come across as smug: I want you to be able to show your husband that he's making his life worse by being a knobber.
SpringchickenGoldBrass · 17/05/2011 10:23

Yes, you need to tell him that his behaviour makes you feel as though he considers himself as the 'person' in the family and you as his secondary/inferior/servant. And that if he really does feel like that, you will be thinking seriously about whether you want to stay married to someone who regards himself as your boss/owner.

IThinkTooMuch · 17/05/2011 13:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheOriginalFAB · 17/05/2011 13:10

I am a none working mum apart from some volunteering. DH is quicker at getting up and ready and supervises breakfast for the kids if they need it. He then leaves for work at 7.30-7.45 and isn't home until 6.10-6.30pm. He rarely takes the kids to school but if I ask him too and he isn't too busy he will. It rarely happens tbh though. I accept that it is my job though as I don't want or need him to do it so I can work. I just want to stay in.

My advice would be to ask him why he feels you are not as important as him. Hopefully he will say you are equal and then you can explain that he needs to take care of the kids when you can't due to work as you really can not ask someone else to waste their time when he is the parent.

Cocoflower · 17/05/2011 13:24

Why dont you ask him why he feels like this?

It sounds like he under a lot of stress to keep a roof over your heads and please his boss; and I guess after being reduant twice I can understand he would feel a huge strain to stay employed especially as self-employed wages are not guaranteed so really a lot of his familys well-being does rely on him. (and I say this as someone who is self-employed)

CarpetNoMore · 17/05/2011 13:54

Well what I have done with DH is to say 'I will take the train at 8.00am so you will take the dcs to school'.
No other option, no discussion or me trying to be helpful so that it is easier for him (because otherwise, I found it sent the message that in some ways, I am the one resposnible and it shouldn't actually be like this).
I also found that I had to have that sort of attitude on other issues (that were actually coming down to the same thing - 'I, the man, am not responsible for the dcs, you, the wife, are and I'm just here to help...).
I've had a few discussion where I did say very clearly where I thought the problem was (ie he idn't feel responsible) and we have made some progress.

I also found that having some sort of schedule helped (eg every monday DH is responsible to pick up the dcs at the after sxchool club so that I can work). It helped putting in his mind that I am working too and I have some constraints just as much as he did.

Having a diary with all the dates where he will need to drop/collect the dcs and talking about it as far in advance as possible helped as well as talking about what he could do or not.

Biggest hurdle was for him to acknoledge that I also needed to be able to rely on him for childcare (just as he relies on me) and I had to be ruthless on that score. then it got easier to actually negociate what everybody can and can't do.

HTP

CarpetNoMore · 17/05/2011 14:03

Coco, I agree to some point.

But that then leads to a much deaper issue.
If the OP is working, then it is normal that her DH acknowledges she is, that her input is valuable and with her work (even if it is part time) also comes some responsabilities. And perhaps some issues re childcare arrangement that need to be taken into account/organize before even thinking about working.
Which then leads to a different question : have the OP and her DH actually talked about the consequences of her working (he will need to participate to the childcare) and the consequence of her not working (therefore less income as a couple)? Have they come to an agreement on what they want to achieve as life/work balance?

From the OP, I got the impression that the issue isn't that he is worried about his job but that he doesn't see it as his responsability to do the school run (as he doesn't want to do it even when he is working from home).

Original poster
messybessie · 17/05/2011 14:55

I think, what I am going to do is say that, from now on, I need to do one long day's work - which means I won't be able to drop-off AND pick-up. Then I can ask him which would be most convenient for him and on which day - then that can be the arrangement.

Carpet - that's exactly how it is. I agree, I think it work better if he knew that every Monday was his responsibility.

Coco - I know you're right and I do understand that that's how he feels but at times I think he takes advantage of that understanding.

His work is more important than mine for our family but that gets confused with him feeling that my work isn't important at all.

He is going on a work trip tomorrow (a 'reward' trip, not actual business) and will be gone from 7am til way past 11pm. He writes these things on the calendar but there is no question that I will be here to sort out the children. Now might be a good time to bring it up!

OP posts:
Original poster
messybessie · 17/05/2011 14:56

I'm just about to take on a new contract so if I present it to him as 'you need to do this or I will have to turn down £xxx a month', that might clarify his mind a little Wink

OP posts:
rookiemater · 17/05/2011 15:58

Good suggestion messybessie about how to present it to him. I find that DH likes my income, but seems to forget that I actually work because I drop off DS and pick him up every day.

However recently we have instigated one day a week where DH picks up DS from aftercare and if I had to do a work trip, which I do very rarely then he would certainly do drop off and pick up, but he does like to know in advance so he can put it in the calender ( oh and then he likes to check 4-5 times probably because he forgets but it really annoys me because the implication is that it is my sole responsibility for the organisation of DS and he is too busy and important to remember trivial little details like that but I could be a bit bitter)

Have a chat, try to implement at least one set drop off/pick up of his choosing - could phrase it that he might like to know who the DC's teachers and playmates are so its for his benefit rather than yours. if he continues to be an arse threaten to take on less contracts.

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