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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

is there ever any honest reason for this...?

30 replies

no1idiot · 15/05/2011 20:02

Found out husband had (check tense) an affair with married woman which has been over (apparently) for 18 months as she drew line under it. He has travelled a couple of times over hundred miles to "see" her since as they are still friends. Nothing happens Hmm. The last time was not that long ago. Does this sound like BullS*? The more I play things over in my head the sicker I feel as the more holes I think I find in the tale I have been given. The waves of anger are not getting easier.

OP posts:
HecateQueenOfTheNight · 15/05/2011 20:05

yes. it sounds like bullshit.

AuntieMonica · 15/05/2011 20:07

sad to say, this does sound like a crock of shit to me too

why go for 'nothing' to happen?

IngridBergman · 15/05/2011 20:10

Maybe nothing happened, recently, but it still did at the start. I would concentrate on that and ignore the bit you're unsure about.

Affairs can and do fizzle out spectacularly, when neither party feels comfortable with what they are doing for any reason - maybe she wanted more and he said no, maybe he was up for it and she wouldn't allow it.

The main thing is though that he had an affair with her originally.

Original poster
no1idiot · 15/05/2011 20:10

with the best case scenario he must still have feelings for her which in itself makes me feel ill.

OP posts:
chocolatchaud · 15/05/2011 20:10

Bullshit IMO. Men aren't bothered about friendship with an ex - particularly if they have a wife.

Don't be deceived, but sorry for your situation Sad

Carrotsandcelery · 15/05/2011 20:10

Sadly, if he is devoted to his marriage, he wouldn't damage it any further by seeing this woman at all, platonic or otherwise. Surely he would be able to see the potential insecurity it would brew, even if it was genuinely platonic.

It doesn't sound plausible to me if he is committed to his marriage.

I am so sorry. Have you got anyone in RL you can call and be with?

Original poster
no1idiot · 15/05/2011 20:12

does it make a difference if the visit I describe was a very infrequent occurence?

OP posts:
Original poster
no1idiot · 15/05/2011 20:13

RL - no none. Really if I talk there would be no salvaging of anything.

OP posts:
Sassybeast · 15/05/2011 20:13

No honest reason no. Am so sorry. The fall out is devastating but there are plenty of people on here who've been through it and who are seeing light at the end of the tunnel Sad

Original poster
no1idiot · 15/05/2011 20:14

carrotsandcelery I only discovered this v recently - all the visiting was pre this. Any difference?

OP posts:
AuntieMonica · 15/05/2011 20:18

OK, playing devil's advocate for a while.

He's having a (physical i assume) relationship with someone who is also married. She finishes it, but they agree to meet up again. As it wasn't he who finished it, for whatever reason, he is still 'interested'........ If nothing was happening, why would he go to meet her again?

However infrequent, something is going on, or he wishes it was.

I am so sorry you are going through this, but it doesn't look good to me.

What do you mean about RL and salvaging, OP?
Can we help?

LoopyLoopsBettyBoops · 15/05/2011 20:20

Sounds like bullshit to me. So sorry. :(

Take care of yourself. :)

Original poster
no1idiot · 15/05/2011 20:22

He said it as a mutual finish by that I assume it was n't him. mmmmm............. it has taken me a few weeks to come round to work out that 1+1 is not 3. I am obviously not thinking straight.

OP posts:
LoopyLoopsBettyBoops · 15/05/2011 20:24

In that case it might well be that she finished with him, he's been there a couple of times to try and change her mind.

Whatever the circumstances though, he has been unfaithful to you. Are you able to forgive that? Has he asked for forgiveness?

Carrotsandcelery · 15/05/2011 20:26

If it all happened prior to you finding out anything about it then it is only one deception, but a massive deception.

How do you feel about the fact that he had an affair?

Have you been to see a professional to talk it over either alone or together?

Are you trying to put things back together?

I know a couple who have successfully done this after an affair.

Thank goodness for Mumsnet if you cannot discuss this with a friend in RL. You will get a broader base of opinions and experience here anyway.

I feel for you OP (I don't want to call you idiot - he is the idiot!)

Original poster
no1idiot · 15/05/2011 20:28

he has said sorry - forgiveness really is a bit ott for what I have had. If I want him to leave he has said he will. He is not fighting tooth and nail to save anything (this is not romeo and juliet here) but then I guess if he did feel that strongly this would n't have happened in the first place.

OP posts:
FabbyChic · 15/05/2011 20:29

I see no reason as to why he still has contact with this woman unless there is something more to it, I do feel you are being fed a line that is a lie.

He needs to cease all contact or pack up and move out.

HerHissyness · 15/05/2011 20:33

What kind of man (already having cheated) travels over hundreds of miles for NO SHAG, nothing?

He has forfeited the right to have this woman in his life as a friend, he has forfeited all rights to a free reign with his life too. Unless he IS fighting tooth and nail to beg your forgiveness, he needs to do the decent thing, pack his bags and get the hell out and stop wasting your time.

Original poster
no1idiot · 15/05/2011 20:33

If it all happened prior to you finding out anything about it then it is only one deception, but a massive deception. ---- yes bit I cannot be sure there are not lies now - I realise I am never going to be able to be sure

How do you feel about the fact that he had an affair? --- sick

Have you been to see a professional to talk it over either alone or together? ---no

Are you trying to put things back together?--- I thought so but I realise a lot of this just does not make sense. Also should n't I be being treated like a princess (for want of a better metaphor (if it is a metaphor)) at this point? Can't really say I am

OP posts:
letitlie · 15/05/2011 21:40

You should be treated like a princess, for him to show you he is truly sorry, or is he just sorry you found out? I found out after the event, and he only told me because the OW's DH found out and decided to call me, and xH wanted to get in first Hmm

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 15/05/2011 21:44

I think there are two possibilities. That the affair was ongoing, or that these trips were his attempts to resurrect it. I absolutely don't think he would have made such long trips for a friendship.

It is possible to recover from an affair, but only if there is truth and honesty. It doesn't sound as though your H is giving you that. If I had to guess, he doesn't want you to know that it was actually the woman who ended the affair and he tried all he could to dissuade her from that decision.

Original poster
no1idiot · 15/05/2011 22:36

I am feeling sick churning thi sover and over...going to bed. I wish it would be different when I wake up. Thanks all.

OP posts:
Doha · 15/05/2011 22:40

He is bullshitting you.

Original poster
no1idiot · 15/05/2011 22:57

yes I will consider this if I ever get to sleep! Thanks

OP posts:
springydaffs · 16/05/2011 00:00

I hope it's him you think is the no1idiot OP, not you. Hope you sleep tonight and the morning isn't so bleak xx

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