Living with a partner with OCD

[Venacava]

Me and my DP have been together 18 months. We moved in together 4 months ago, me moving 100 miles away from my family and friends to be with him whilst he is finishing his final year of his degree. It's not as bad as it sounds, we met at this university so I have lived near this area before, but obviously all of my friends I met at uni have graduated and moved back home or onto new places.

About a year ago my DP revealed to me that he has suffered with OCD most of his life. This isn't the typ of OCD where he feels the need to clean constantly or organise everything. He suffers with constant bad thoughts of things that might happen. He says it's like when you watch a bad movie and you feel petrified, well he says his brain is like that all the time. He can't switch off from it.

I am trying to be sympathetic but I'm finding it hard and wondering if I have made the wrong decision in moving in with him. The OCD gets worse as the day goes on, so in the mornings I see the man I fell in love with. He deals with the bad thoughts by squealing, shouting, jumping or grabbing his collar on his top, tensing his face, shaking and completely disappearing into himself.

Every evening I have to deal with him jumping around, shouting and squealing. Certain things make it worse, like cooking, doing housework etc. Sometimes he will be halfway through doing something and give up and I have to step in. I have been through a pretty bad time of it myself recently. Moving house, starting a new job that has turned out to be awful, having to work away from home lots and I'm finding it exhausting. I wish I had the choise to just not do things. To just not cook or wash up or make the bed. But I have to do it, otherwise we would live in a mess.

It's got to the point though where I can't even watch what I want on tv because it makes him scared. It's funny how it's always the things I want to watch that we have to turn over. Or we have to listen to what he wants on the radio, at midnight when I am trying to get to sleep because 'he needs it to relax'. I feel so trapped in my own home.

The ironic thing is one of his fears is that I'll leave him, but by him having this fear and reacting to it it's making me fucking miserable. I should point out that he's had CBT before, which worked, but apparently the NHS counsellor up here is rubbish. And he has been on medication but it makes him very forgetful which he has had to stop because it impacted on his degree.

Is there a tiny hint that he may be using his OCD as an excuse to get his own way?

I don't know if he is or not. I can't help feeling resentful though when he does. When I'm not allowed to do something that I want to do and instead have to do what he wants to.

The other day he came in from a night out and said he couldn't believe I had turned the fire on in the front room (I was freezing cold and needed to warm myself up) and now he was going to be hot all night and struggle to sleep. I just thought "what about me?"

My exP was very controlling and it was a breath of fresh air to meet my DP. I just don't recognise the man I am with now when I think back to what he used to be like.

FWIW I don't think you would be 'the bad buy' if you left him because of this. Your only other choice if he won't seek further treatment is to put up with it for the rest of your life.

'the bad guy' clearly, not buy!!!

My DP also has this type of OCD. It sounds like your DP needs a top up of the CBT. My DP has bad weeks adn good. He also suffers with anxiety, depression & panic attacks so if the bad thoughts get on top of him it can be up to a couple of months before he is better.

You have my sympathies as it is extremely hard to deal with. We've been living together for over 18months now and I still struggle with it at times. But my DP has had a few top ups of CBT since his first lot so deals with it better than how it sounds your DP does. Is there only the one NHS counsellor in your area? Can he be referred to a neighbouring area if so?

26minutes- How do you cope with your DP when things are bad? I wish I had the patience of a saint but I'm only human and find myself shouting at him a lot and telling him to stop it.

As far as I'm aware from what my DP says there is only this consellor who he can go to. I wish I could flip a switch and he'd be back to what he was like when I first met him. We have so many plans and I don't know how I'd even go about organising a move back to my parents house. It would break his heart.

Hi venacava

My DH has the same thing.
He has 2/3 bad episodes over the 4 years since it emerged - to the point where he was ready to jump in the river and was begging GP to section him.
We have two small boys and he has at times had bad thoughts about them and me. We researched the condition a lot and it is far more common that you think. Basically, everyone has negative/horrible thoughts from time to time but most of us can let go of them, forget them and see them for what they are. My DH and your DP by the sound of it, can't let the thought go and then get more and more anxious about it. The more anxious they get the more bad thoughts they get and so on. My DH found it hard to realise that everyone has bad thoughts - he thought he was abnormal, which added to the anxiety.

I found it very hard to deal with, not having suffered from a mental illness before - and I am quite an unsympathetic person anyway. I gave him lots of support to start with but became very frustrated with him at one point - as it just seemed like he was not trying to help himself in any way. That sounds incredibly selfish but I'm being honest - that was how I felt.

Anyway, he was put on anti-depressants and also had a course of CBT which has helped immensely, and he is pretty much fine now.

He still has times when things get on top of him and it starts to rear its head - and he says he struggles with it everyday, but on the whole he is okay and lives a normal life.

Has your DP always been as bad as this or is only since you moved in together?
It sounds like he needs to see his GP - there are other types of anti-depressants he could try, that may not affect him as badly.
It doesn't sound like he is coping well at the moment - and he needs to get to grips with it. Is he under a lot of stress? How is he sleeping?

The other things that helped my DH was regular exercise - even if its just walking, and talking about how he was feeling, even if it was just to me.

I completly understand how miserable you must be feeling and can also relate to the 'trapped' feeling. Don't beat yourself up for feeling like this - it is hard living with someone who has a mental condition.

I will ask DH if he has anymore advice and post again later.

PM me if you need to - will be thinking of you x

iloveblue- It has seemed to get worse since we have moved in together but it may just be that I am seeing it more because we are together most of the time. He has said that he was struggling when we met but hid it from me because he didn't feel comfortable telling me.

I feel like you did, like he isn't helping himself. It's hard for me to understand the condition. I don't get why he can't just force himself to do things like I have to. It's got to the point now where I feel myself breathing a sigh of relief when he goes out, because I can have a few hours to myself just getting on with things and doing what I want to do.

It doesn't help that I am only in my early 20s and he is 10 years older than me. I feel like I should be out having fun and enjoying my life (we don't have dcs) but instead I am stuck at home constantly cleaning up after him. Can I ask you an honest question iloveblue? If you knew before you had dcs that your husband would develop this condition, would you still have dc with him? I'm seriously contemplating about whether I want the rest of my life to be like this. Please don't answer that question if you feel like you can't.

I would have still have had DC with him and I actually married him after the problems started.
I can't say I didn't consider leaving him a few times but never seriously.
But for us it got better - my DH got help and took medication (and is still taking medication), and he is once again the man I love.
You need to sit down with your DP and have an honest conversation.
If you feel like you can't tell him to his face - you could write it all down in a letter.
You need to tell him how you feel and that he needs to go to his GP and get help because its not fair on either of you.
If he's not willing to do that then you need to think seriously about what is best for you.
It is a horrible situation to be in and incredibly frustrating.

HTH x

That seems a really strange way of dealing with intrusive thoughts--the squealing, jumping around, etc. I think you need to get out of this and leave him to it. You don't owe him your life.

I have a daughter your age, Venacava, and I'd be really unhappy if she was in your situation.

At your age you should be living with friends (in my opinion) and making the most of your life. It's the time when you can travel, think about what kind of job you'd like to do, take up new interests and learn what makes you happy. Your twenties should be a fantastic decade.

This boyfriend is having a negative impact on your life. He's ten years older and should want you to have a good life. He seems to only be considering himself. I know that there's a problem with mental illness in that the person often doesn't appear to want to seek help, but I think unless he does, you have every right not to want to be with him.

Please don't consider having children with someone who doesn't have your own interests at heart. Please make the most of these years and find someone who will allow you and encourage you to make the most of your life.

I don't know why your alternative is to move home to your parents. Couldn't you live with friends or find a room in a shared house? This is your opportunity to think about where you'd like to live and how you want your life to be.

I'm with Everyones on this...

The bottom line of being in a relationship with someone is (or should be) "Does he/she make me happy? (validated, secure, loved etc)".

its a bit odd he could control it when you werent living together - maybe he made more of an effort then

tbh I would pack it in, a relationship is supposed to be fun and rewarding, not bloody hard work and depressing

So lets get this straight, when he is doing something (crap) like housework or cooking half way through he has an episode and you have to take over. When you choose to watch something you want on the TV he has an episode and you have to switch over to something he likes (what sort of stuff do you watch that gives him 'bad thoughts'???) and you cannot even put on the fire when cold because he 'won't be able to sleep'.
I have to be honest with you and, even if he does have anxieties, it sounds like a very controling relationship and not very healthy at all. If you stay with this man this will be it, for the rest of your life. Can you live with that?

I agree with everyone. You can't live like this, OP.

Gosh, OP. I have no useful advice to offer.

But I will say that this sounds intolerable and I absolutely could not live like this.

Thanks everyone for your advice. I'm going to sit down with him and explain how he's making me feel. I told him the other night that I cannot live like this. That he needs to go to the doctor. I feel hat I have aged 20 years since being with him.

Boodles-nothing scary! I finally bought myself the last series of Lost the other day but am not allowed to watch it when he is around. I'm not allowed to watch the news either or listen to it on the radio. I could understand if I was watching horror films!

I would go back to lie with my parents because they're such lovely people and because I have friends from there who I could see.

We havn't in almost 6 months which is also a sore point for him. He doesn't hassle me but will mention it every now and then. It's hard to find someone attractive when they're squealing and jumping around. It wears me down and I end up wanting to get to sleep as quickly as possible to get away from it.

Oh Venacava I feel for you.
I know this probably not a helpful opinion at all, but I'd be off like a shot. Sorry.

There's not a man on this earth I'd be prepared to be miserable and oppressed for. Even if he couldn't help it.

I would be very much afraid that the OCD would be used as a form of manipulation and control, and I'd end up compromising everything to keep my dp on an even keel, while putting my own needs and desires on the back burner. I'm afraid I haven't got the generosity of spirit to do that for anyone.

Apologies but that's my honest answer. Unless he committed everything to sorting himself out, I'd leave.

Hi Venacava

This is an interesting thread for me as I suffer from OCD myself. Regarding him wanting to switch over the telly when you are watching it my guess is that he is not being totally honest with about the nature of his thoughts (the thoughts can be terribkly embarrassing) and that triggers for these thoughts come up in the programmes you select - they are less likely to come up in progammes he selects as he will try to actively avoid them. For example, I have thoughts triggered by some aspects of cooking so avoid cooking programmes (my partner knows this and knows I have to leave the room if he wants to watch The Great British Menu!). I can stuggle with housework too - my thing is whenever I have an intrusive thought I have to repeat whatever I'm doing at the time and I have to keep repeating it until it feels right. Sometimes I get stuck repeating the same action over and over, so in the case of housework I will sometimes get my partner to do it, just to help me out otherwise it'd never get done! It's not that I don't want to pull my weight. AND I hate it when he put the heating on high coz I get too hot and agitated, which is not conducive to a relaxed state of mind.

I think OCD often looks selfish from the outside - in reality the person is just doing everything they can minimise their distress.

As for your partner being better when you weren't living together I'm sure he was - he will have been on his best behaviour when he was with you, saving all the compulsive urges up inside, then going home, doing all his ritualistic behaviour in private and getting it out of his system. But now you are living together and there is no privacy - he needs to be able to let it all hang loose in his own home coz where else is he going to go?

Six months is a long time to go without sex, especially in your early twenties.

I get the impression you are quite freaked out by his OCD. If that is the case and you just can't reconcile yourself to the nature of his behaviour (note the nature, not the extent) you would be better off leaving him, though whilst people with OCD appear odd they are in no way dangerous. I'm surprised by how many people on here have told you to leave him just like that, it goes to show prejudice against people with mental health problems is alive and well.

He certainly has a problem, so he should try CBT again. A good CBT therapist will include at least one session with the family to ensure they understand the condition and what they should and shouldn't put up with from their loved one, and you could possibly benefit from that. I think you would should also to educate yourself more about OCD - I recommend the book 'Obsessive Compulsive Disorder' by Frederick Toates (2nd edition).

And as a previous poster said a different anti-depressant might help. I tried one AD that had no effect and made me sleepy but another helped loads, it somehow made the intrusive thoughts much less distressing.

He may be using his condition to control you but I doubt it, he's almost certainly just trying to cope the only way he knows how.

Only you can decide what you're prepared to give to this relationship.

I think I would leave, myself. Your boyfriend may like to try reading "Overcoming Obsessive Compulsive Disorder", a CBT-based self-help guide. Depending on where he lives, he may be able to get a referral to the Centre for Anxiety Disorders and Trauma at the Maudsley hospital, which provides expert outpatient help for OCD and also runs an intensive residential treatment course. Failing this, local IAPT therapists (GP referral) are well-versed in CBT for OCD. Your partner shouldn't go to a generic counsellor.

And forgot to say the most important thing - don't collude with any of this!! Watch what you want on TV etc.

I don't have time to post a proper reply at the moment as I'm just out, but wanted to let you know I will reply to your question to me later on in the day.

Hi, back as promised.

How do I cope? There's times I feel I don't and I almost feel like throwing the towel in but 1. I couldn't live without him and 2. I tell myself it's not his fault, he can't help it, he does his best to keep it under control. My DP has his much more under control than yours by the way you describe it but he's had a few courses of CBT to keep it under control. When he's bad he's very cold and it's difficult not to think that you've done something wrong but I'm getting better at recognising when he's having a bad time and backing off from him.

We've been together for just over 2 years, living together for just over 18months so I've had quite a bit more time to get used to it than you have. Equally he's had to get used to having other people about (we have 2 boys from my previous relationship and a 5mth DD together) and has had to learn different coping mechanisms. Before he was able to pretty much hide from the world for a few days when things got on top of him, now he can't do that so it's been a big learning curve for us both, which it will need to be for you and your DP. He needs to learn that with another person about he needs to dea lwith it in a different way.

"don't collude with any of this!! Watch what you want on TV etc." as Lizzabadger says. I used to feel that I was treading on eggshells around him. Something I swore I wouldn't do after my ex, although this was for different reasons it was still upetting and I hated it. This is something now I don't do. I don't let him bring me down. If he's down I jut get on with things as normal. He'll go for days without eating a proper meal. I used to refuse to eat dinner too, but now I just let him get on with it. Don't tiptoe around him, don't avoid doing things for fear if setting him off. It's up to him to either learn to deal with tv programmes you are watching or get himself out of it. Obviously he needs your support and DP always knows I'm there for a cuddle when he needs it or, like the other day, 3 hours stood in the kitchen just listening to him talk.

"its a bit odd he could control it when you werent living together - maybe he made more of an effort then". Not at all. DP and I also lived 100 miles apart so only saw each other at weekends. Going from seeing each other for only 2 days a week, under happy circumstances to spending 24hrs a day together in the same house is a big step. My DP is worse during the week than at weekends. Also you do more together during those weekends so he would have been kept busy, the thoughts wouldn't have had a chance to take hold whereas the general monotony of day to day life lets those thoughts creep in and take over, so it's not a case of hiding it while they were not living together,more simply that the excitement of being together and keeping busy etc would have stopped the OCD from taking hold.

I really do think your DP needs to get help. Be there to hold his hand because from what DP tells me it gets worse before it gets better. I'll join Iloveblue with the offer, PM me at anytime if you want to chat or anything.

My partner has OCD - intrusive thoughts about poisoning people, deliberately killing/injuringm e or his family or murdering a stranger and having a memory blackout about it. Sunday mornings are especially bad if we've been out the night before, because he worries he did something on the way home from a bar/club, even if I've been with him.

If he has one of these thoughts when he's doing something, he has to do the action to neutralise it, it's become ritualised now, so he has to do it three times. And these can happen anytime, but are worse when he's washing, walking through a doorway, putting something down (like a glass or a tin). E.g. he can be putting a glass of water back down on the table, has a bad thought, so has to put the glass down again three times to cancel out the bad one He also shouts words to cancel out the thought, but I think this has become ritualised as well as he shouts the same things.

He can control it but it's very exhausting for him so I ignore most of it when we are at home. It does take him forever to do the washing up because he worries he's put poison in cups, but I just ignore him and let him carry on washing up, I don't do it for him when it's his turn. He gets a bit overkeen on spray surface cleaner sometimes, but I just shrug it off so long as he hasn't actually made the air unbreathable with bleach spray.
Sometimes he gets stuck with doing an action, like checking taps are off or the oven is off. He'll check and then check again after a minute and can do this 5 or 6 times before we leave the house. Our way of dealing with this is, things get checked once, then the door is closed behind us so that we know that they have been checked and were off. I am not sure if this counts as collusion, but I now refuse to check things for him. I'll also tell him that something isn't real and that he/life is alright if he is especially distressed. We're working our way through the book recommended above which is helping too.

We've been together for just over 18 months and I was aware of his OCD from about the 6/8 week mark, even though he tried to control it, I spotted some ritual behaviour. We've always been really open about it and he's told me when he's having a bad day.
I've have depression, anxiety and paranoia so have some insight into how distressing and cruel a person's own brain can be to them. He's on medication to control it and has had CBT in the past although I think he needs a top up. I feel like we're working at it together and we hold each other up. I sometimes feel I can do more to help him than I can myself and vice versa. We're in our early 30s, want to stay together and are planning marriage and children one day.

I think in your situation he needs to show he is trying to deal with his OCD, rather than you having to make all the allowances/adaptations. However, it won't ever go away completely. If he is stressed, upset by something, then it can get worse.
You need to be honest with yourself, as well as your partner being honest about the extent of his illness. It can be hard to live with somebody with a long term illness, whether it is mental or physical. OCD is probably one of the most debillitating mental health disorders because it is so intrusive. Read up on it, learn more and decide if you can cope with the condition and if you and your relationship is strong enough and worth it.