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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Leaving abusive situation if your name is not on the tenancy

39 replies

BertieBotts · 14/05/2011 22:03

I really need some advice again for my friend. (Have posted for her before) She's in a really awful situation at the moment, short summary up to this point is that her P has been verbally/emotionally/financially abusing her throughout their 5 year relationship, this has got worse in the last couple of years and she's been thinking about leaving but not been able to make the jump.

Anyway they have now split up, but she can't move out because she has nowhere to go and no access to money at all (as he controls all of it) - she has put in separate claims for benefits etc now but I don't know how long ago as she seems to be waiting for this to come through. However, she's been to the council to ask about housing and been told that as his name is the only one on the tenancy she can't ask him to leave, and she can't put herself on the tenancy (I'm not sure why this is - does she need his permission?) She has applied for a council house in her own name but because it's based on discretion they have decided she's not in any immediate danger, so she's a low priority, and I think it's likely to take years.

She has spoken to Women's Aid and they have shown her a refuge where she could stay which she said was okay, but she is worried her (toddler age) DD won't sleep at all if they have to share a room, and she's really anxious about the 10pm visitor curfew because she says the only thing keeping her going at the moment is having friends around in the evening while her X is out drinking.

I'm really seriously worried about her. She's even having to share a bed with him still, because it's a 2 bedroom house, she doesn't think her DD will sleep if she shares her room, and her X has a friend living there at the moment who is sleeping on one of the sofas and she doesn't feel comfortable sleeping down there with him either, since he has been acting really creepily with one of her friends.

Honestly this sounds such a mess and it really is, if there are holes in it, it's because I've either changed details as a really bad attempt at protecting anonymity, and some things are just unbelievable and are going to make me sound like a troll. Hence not namechanging. I'm just really desparate for her. I want to go and get her and bring her here, but I don't have the room (and I suspect my landlord would be unhappy about it)

OP posts:
Original poster
BertieBotts · 14/05/2011 22:04

And she won't post here herself, I've asked her many many times, she is too scared someone will say something horrible and worries nobody will be able to understand her spelling/dyslexia/text speak habit.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 14/05/2011 22:08

She has spoken to Women's Aid and they have shown her a refuge where she could stay which she said was okay, but she is worried her (toddler age) DD won't sleep at all if they have to share a room, and she's really anxious about the 10pm visitor curfew because she says the only thing keeping her going at the moment is having friends around in the evening while her X is out drinking

Sorry, but she really needs to get her priorities changed here. Womens aid isnt a hotel, and they have to have reasonable rules, which I think a 10pm curfew certainly is.

She has to put the welfare of her child first, as the child can not make decisions, only she can. Once she is in a refuge, she will surely be given more priority with re-housing, and will also be helped in getting her benefits much quicker.

Xales · 14/05/2011 22:14

Well it depends on what your friend decides is more important to her.

She can put up with a few months or maybe a little more of disruption and eventually have a decent settled life away from this man.

Or

She can stay with this nasty abusive man to avoid short term disruption.

Only she can make that decision.

At present she has a roof over her head so is less important to the council that someone living in one of those refuges so could be on the waiting list for 5/10 years.

FabbyChic · 14/05/2011 22:18

If she wants out of the relationship then a refuge is the way to go, her toddler will adapt.

The sooner she gets out the sooner she can begin her new life away from the lowlife she currently lives with.

Original poster
BertieBotts · 14/05/2011 22:23

The thing is she is so certain that her child is fine and that it's less disruptive for them to stay put. She seems really genuinely shocked/surprised when people point out to her how horrible her life is at the moment, but she's so adamant it's not affecting her DD. I don't want to give details unless it seems necessary to clarify, but one example is he is buying just over enough food for the child to eat each day and she's literally eating the leftovers and then feeling guilty if she eats too much in case her DD is hungry later. But he's not being violent at all and any arguments etc are not happening around the child. It sounds as though he's out of the house a lot for days at a time at the moment.

OP posts:
Original poster
BertieBotts · 14/05/2011 22:27

And I agree with all of you but you did not see the look of absolute fear in her eyes when she was telling me how she couldn't imagine being able to cope without being able to have friends around at night.

Is there internet access in hostels? Or anything else which might help her cope with it short-term, sleeping pills maybe?

OP posts:
Patienceobtainsallthings · 14/05/2011 22:35

She could look into a private let that would accept housing benefit.

Original poster
BertieBotts · 14/05/2011 22:36

I thought that, patience, but not without a deposit surely?

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 14/05/2011 22:38

She needs to get out of that house as soon as possible. Once that child starts talking, it is fairly certain that he will take it out on the child too. It will be affecting the girl, she is kidding herself if she thinks otherwise.

She seems more bothered about losing her social life than putting her own and her daughters welfare first, which is quite sad. :(

There will be other women in the hostel, who she will be able to make friends with, it isnt a prison.

Original poster
BertieBotts · 14/05/2011 22:52

It's not about having a social life though - it really isn't. It's more the fact she's completely terrified of being on her own and this at the moment is the only thing preventing her from feeling alone. She gets extremely socially anxious though so the thought of having other people there who she doesn't know isn't helping.

Of course it is affecting the child, even if it's just skewing her perceptions of a healthy relationship, but I think she's thinking she'd rather stick it out where she is than make a huge scary leap into a situation which to her seems as awful or more so than the one she is in at the moment. I think she would change her perception totally if she could have an outside view of things, but what's obvious from the outside isn't so obvious when you are living it as a reality.

The other thing which was bothering her about the hostel which I forgot to mention is that her X is already hinting at being difficult about contact and she didn't understand how it could happen if she wasn't allowed to tell him the address. She is worried he will take her DD away (which I have told her won't happen but she's worried anyway).

She is still attempting to be friendly with him, I think hoping that she can make it an amicable split, but not really accepting that since he isn't ever going to be reasonable, an amicable split is extremely unlikely.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 14/05/2011 22:56

If he doesnt know where she is, then he cant take her daughter anywhere.

Does she have parents who are supportive or any other relatives who are aware of the situation and can talk some sense into her?

Surely she would rather be "on her own", which technically she wont be, she will be safe from his abuse, in a house full of other women, than living under his control like she is at the moment.

zikes · 14/05/2011 22:59

She could give him access through a contact centre, which would mean she wouldn't necessarily even have to see him, could do it all through third parties.

I know that the hostel someone I know was in had internet access. Although it was one main room, it had its own little galley kitchen and stuff, so sort of self-contained so not forced to be socialable with strangers if you choose not to be.

A 10pm curfew isn't that early surely? She could have mates over for an hour or two.

zikes · 14/05/2011 23:00

sociable [sigh]

Original poster
BertieBotts · 14/05/2011 23:05

She wants him to have access though, so she's worried he will take her then, I think.

No relatives - she was brought up by her grandparents who are now dead (I think). She has an aunt, who she sees as a sister, but doesn't speak to often, and a "brother" and "sister" from when she was in foster care but they are both too young to advise. I don't think she has contact with her foster mother, but from what I have heard of her, she wouldn't be much help either.

I think at the moment being on her own is more scary than putting up with the abuse but having friends to confide in, yes. :(

OP posts:
Original poster
BertieBotts · 14/05/2011 23:07

That is helpful information, zikes, thank you.

I think it is the nights she is worried about. But honestly it can't be worse than what she is putting up with now. She just doesn't see it that way :(

OP posts:
Patienceobtainsallthings · 14/05/2011 23:13

I know someone that got the deposit paid as a crisis loan,WA helped set it up BB .

Original poster
BertieBotts · 14/05/2011 23:45

Okay, thanks Patience, I'll mention that to her.

OP posts:
millie30 · 14/05/2011 23:48

It's definitely worth her reconsidering the refuge. I went to one and it was fine. You have your own room and facilities, tv, kitchen etc. There are also other women there who can be a good source of friendship and support. The best thing about being in the refuge though is that it holds the key to accessing further help such as housing, legal and financial assistance. If she wants to get out of her current situation I really think this is the best thing to do, and she needs to remember it is only a short term measure.

FabbyChic · 14/05/2011 23:51

She would get family allowance and child tax credits, that amounts to over £70 a week she can feed herself on that if he is buying the childs food.

Original poster
BertieBotts · 14/05/2011 23:56

But it's all going into a joint account, Fabby, which she has no access to.

OP posts:
Original poster
BertieBotts · 14/05/2011 23:57

I think that's exactly right millie - just think of it as short term. It probably wouldn't be anywhere near as bad as she is thinking once she gets there.

OP posts:
MorningCoffee · 15/05/2011 00:05

I would get her to go back to the council, express the situation say how he is being abusive and how it is affecting her/child etc.
Also speak to the council cause i know one of my friends they paid the deposit to get into a private place, then she can claim houseing/council tax benefits.

The more she sits back, the worse it will be she needs to keep on, tell her to go to the gp and ask them to wirte a letter for her about how she is living is affecting her etc. all these things will help her, no one should have to live like this.

MorningCoffee · 15/05/2011 00:07

With regards to the benefit for herself and her dd, she needs to call the tax credits people and income support, tell them the situation, say she is still living under the same roof but that she is now single and needs to change/make a claim for a single parent then give them new bank account details for herself, just because she lives under the same roof does not mean she can not claim for single parent benefit.

FabbyChic · 15/05/2011 00:14

She needs to get her own account and stop it going in the joint account, that should be her first priority, the money is not his to do with as he wishes it is hers.

More fool a woman who allows money meant for a child to be paid into his account.

Help her get a new account.

She is going to have to do without things at the beginning, she is going to have to live a little differently, we all do when we move on from a bad relationship, but the end result far outweighs what we have to go through initially.

Tortington · 15/05/2011 00:25

she really needs to go to the CAB. She has the right to get an occupation order as far as i understand even if she is notthe tenant.

the council or HA will most likley have the right to evict him is he is charged with abuse. - but that means she has to press charges.

it sounds to me that she needs a friend like you - but she herself isn't in THAT place in her head where she will take any action.

she really needs to get all the facts - perhaps telling her that a trip to the cab with your support - is ok - she doesn't have to make any immediate decisions.

she can also ask about non molestation orders. contact with regards to her child and money/benefits advice.

perhaps when she absolutley knows what is and is not available to her she can make a decision from there