Leaving abusive situation if your name is not on the tenancy

[BertieBotts]

I really need some advice again for my friend. (Have posted for her before) She's in a really awful situation at the moment, short summary up to this point is that her P has been verbally/emotionally/financially abusing her throughout their 5 year relationship, this has got worse in the last couple of years and she's been thinking about leaving but not been able to make the jump.

Anyway they have now split up, but she can't move out because she has nowhere to go and no access to money at all (as he controls all of it) - she has put in separate claims for benefits etc now but I don't know how long ago as she seems to be waiting for this to come through. However, she's been to the council to ask about housing and been told that as his name is the only one on the tenancy she can't ask him to leave, and she can't put herself on the tenancy (I'm not sure why this is - does she need his permission?) She has applied for a council house in her own name but because it's based on discretion they have decided she's not in any immediate danger, so she's a low priority, and I think it's likely to take years.

She has spoken to Women's Aid and they have shown her a refuge where she could stay which she said was okay, but she is worried her (toddler age) DD won't sleep at all if they have to share a room, and she's really anxious about the 10pm visitor curfew because she says the only thing keeping her going at the moment is having friends around in the evening while her X is out drinking.

I'm really seriously worried about her. She's even having to share a bed with him still, because it's a 2 bedroom house, she doesn't think her DD will sleep if she shares her room, and her X has a friend living there at the moment who is sleeping on one of the sofas and she doesn't feel comfortable sleeping down there with him either, since he has been acting really creepily with one of her friends.

Honestly this sounds such a mess and it really is, if there are holes in it, it's because I've either changed details as a really bad attempt at protecting anonymity, and some things are just unbelievable and are going to make me sound like a troll. Hence not namechanging. I'm just really desparate for her. I want to go and get her and bring her here, but I don't have the room (and I suspect my landlord would be unhappy about it)

Fabby, it's not really that simple. The money thing has been going on for a long time. When they first got together she was receiving DLA and he cancelled it saying she wouldn't need that any more as he would look after her, and she didn't know how to say um, no thanks, I'll keep it. She has applied for benefits in her own name now though, I think.

Thanks all for your advice tonight, I'm going to bed now but will put this all together for her tomorrow.

Your friend has to make changes, and she has to start now. If she leaves him how can she hope to feed or support a child if he has the money going into his account? Get her to get her own account so she can support herself.

you just dont think that way when someone has utter control

I read about half way down so i mite b repeatimg. The tennancy is an agreement between landlord and tennant. She cannot just add her name to it though morally she and kid have more rite to b there. Iv stayed at a refuge and believe me, the feeling of knowing an abuser cant touch you, and having people who understand about this sort of thing far outweighs any other consideration. Its also a concrete step in moving on. If you know of a church nearby I know of instances of them being very helpful. As to your child being taken, the contact centre mentioned above wont allow it. Plus, they will get to see what hes like which could b helpful in future. I dont think the option to stay at home is valid. Unfortunately property and money issues remain heavily in mens favour, even in 2011 (dear God!) on men.

I just said she's applied in her own name separately. Obviously that's not going to be into a joint account, you can't have a joint account with someone you're splitting up from. I don't know exactly how it's set up at the moment, but she's scared, not stupid.

Thomas it's a council house (sorry, I don't think I said) so might be different, I'm not sure. I don't know why her name was never on the agreement as they moved there together. He has had previous involvement with police and they have told her if he as much as threatens her they will arrest him this time.

If he had a council flat after a while he would have been offered a house once he has children. It takes time I was in a flat for four years before getting my old house.

If he had the tenancy originally in his name then the new place would be in his name, unless they are married she has no right to stay there should they split as it is in his name.

The first priority for your friend is to get a bank account in her own name, and get the benefits changed so she receives them, yes this will piss him off but she has to start somewhere, she cannot live in fear for the rest of her life she needs to grow a back bone and get out of the relationship. I know it is hard have been there myself but the feeling of freedom when you know they cannot hurt you anymore is wonderful.

talk to the cab about an occupation order i work for a housing association and they will do everything in law to help

The place they were living in before was illegally sublet to him by a family member who was living elsewhere. That was council as well, but as they were homeless once being evicted they then got the house. Baby wasn't quite born at this point.

Sorry to drag this up again, but are you reading my posts? I just said she has set up the benefits in her own name, they are just taking a while to come through. She is hanging on for the money though whereas I would say jump ship and the money will come through. She has friends who would help her in the short term for food etc or there are crisis loans. But perhaps that's simplistic?

She wont have to worry about her dp being out drinking in the evening, and she wont need company after 10 pm, as he wont come with her to the refuge.

She can go to bed at 10 pm, get a good nights sleep, and get her life together.

If its a council house the council are the landlords. Makes no difference. I mentioned the church coz if she needed a deposit I know of 2 cases where they made small loans. Maybe her name wasnt on the agreement coz he never asked her if she wanted to be added and she didnt think to ask.

I got free counseling with WA just a thought to help her work things out.I know my local WA are there for me if I ever need advice and support .

I also had an appointment with the lone parent advisor at the local job centre plus .they told me everything I would be entitled to and that information helped me relax a bit regarding feeding dcs etc.

i'm not clear on whether there's been any physical violence, or threat of physical violence. has she had to call the police at all? if she's at risk of violence she can apply as homeless to any local authority on the grounds that it's unreasonable for her to stay in her present accommodation due to risk. she could alternatively apply to the courts for an occupation order, which would get him out of the property and keep her in it. there's also the possibility of a property adjustment order which would put the tenancy in her name. she could go to refuge temporarily while these things were sorted out. she should be aware that a lot of refuges don't allow any visitors at all due to the secrecy of their location. she feels at the moment that she can't live without her social life because she is feeling defeated and weakened by the abuse. once she's out of there she will start to feel stronger and be able to cope with her own company. she should ask WA if there are any local domestic abuse organisations that can give her an outreach worker. i would also warn her that her risk of physical harm is increased at the moment - relationship breakdowns are a time of heightened risk of violence as the abuser is losing his control and will want it back.

That's helpful everyone, thank you.

Neurotic - yes threats of physical violence, but he hasn't ever actually hit her etc. Police have been involved twice - once where he was banging on the door at 2am trying to be let in and she was scared and didn't want to let him in. Police told her to let him in as it was his house although they did note the incident and give him a caution.

The second incident was when her and her friend were there, he came home and decided he didn't want them there, so phoned the police asking if he could legally throw out his "friend who lives with me but is not on the tenancy" and they said yes, he could, so he threw them both out into the street in their pyjamas. The friend's parents picked them up and then said they needed to phone the police, which they did, and explained the situation fully. Police at this point told her P that being drunk in charge of an infant and having thrown the responsible adults out of the house, he had the choice of either going to a friend's house for the night or they would take him to the cells. And then told my friend that they had his details now and if she was ever scared or if he was being threatening to call and they will arrest him.

I think you're right that she won't need the security of her friends all the time once she's away from her P. You have put it really well, I'll tell her that next time we see each other. Not sure about safety of emails etc.

She has told the housing officer all of these incidents, but to be labelled unreasonable grounds to remain is discretionary and it seems she was unlucky with whoever has looked at her case. I know when I was leaving XP I made the woman cry :( and it wasn't as bad as her situation is now.