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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH Slept with two girls

37 replies

Zenoka · 13/05/2011 17:23

Been happily married for 10 years with 3 children. Have recently found out that DH (before we got together) was sleeping/cheating with two girls at the same time. He even slept with them both on the same day (not at the same time). I knew that he was a bit of a ladies man and had been around a lot, but what is troubling me is that if he cheated on those girls, how can I trust him?

This is really starting to trouble me and I now wonder if he ever cheated on me when we first got together. He worked abroad for a year and I didn't see him much during that time, only about once a month. I feel that the trust has gone never to return. If he is the sort of person that can do that, do I really want to stay with him? He never uses condoms so I also worry greatly about STDs.

I'm heartbroken to find out he isn't the trustworthy, decent sort of guy I always thought he was. People dont change do they?

I dont know what to do :(

OP posts:

Pancakeflipper · 13/05/2011 17:25

Have you spoken to him about this?

I am presuming he told you about his 'past' ?
Leopards can change their spots ( it's amazing what love can do) but only if it really really really wants to.

You need to speak to him about how you feel.

ledkr · 13/05/2011 17:27

I can understand how you feel but it was before you married and he didnt marry them so you are different. I had a bit of a wild period before i was married but i would never cheat on my dh now,you always feel a bit funny about a dp's past,dh was telling me about a family wedding the other day and i felt all unreasonably annoyed cos he would have been there with an ex.

Gastonladybird · 13/05/2011 17:28

Agree with pancake - people can change (I would not like to be judged by dh on how I behaved before I met him). How did you find this out now? And hoe are things generally? Have you always wondered about this kind of thing or has dh given you reason lately to think he could behave like this with you?

magnolia74 · 13/05/2011 17:30

I too have had a wild period but that doesn't mean I would behave the same now.

People do change, this was 10 years ago. Surely you don't base your trust on what he did before he met you?

EdithWeston · 13/05/2011 17:32

I agree with ledkr.

But I note you said "girls" - just how young were they? Over 16? Is this another area of concern?

Original poster

Zenoka · 13/05/2011 17:33

I found out after his mother died, we had to clear out the house and there was a box of his stuff in there which included an old diary. Curiousty got the better of me and I had a look, it was basically a sex diary where he had logged every time he was with a girl and had sex.

What really bugs me is that he denied it, which made me think all the more that I cant trust him anymore. I thought we had a good marriage and that he was never anything but 100% honest with. All that has been shattered now.

He seems to talk and confide with his friend more than me which I also find hurtfull.

I now feel a complete fool for trusting him when he goes for weekends away with his friends, I'll never know what he has been up to.

OP posts:

Original poster

Zenoka · 13/05/2011 17:36

He was 20 at the time and this was 6 months before we got together. He had plently of girlfriends.

To me two timing, and having sex with two different partners on the same day is just about as low as it gets.

OP posts:

ledkr · 13/05/2011 17:38

How old are you both?Jealousy of the past is worse when young. I found some old pics from dh uni days and there was a young slim leg in the back ground,i felt annoyed for days.
Tbh,im glad dh has had some wild times cos he's less likely to want any now iyswim.Me too,wild oats sown,now i use them to make flap jacks

Pancakeflipper · 13/05/2011 17:39

Dairies are often full of untruths. Perhaps exaggerations/ fantasies.

I had a year of snogging and crap sex with guys I should never go near because I was emotionally and mentally in a really awful place. I am not that person now. I learnt a lot from it about me

Please stop imagining and building up a story about your relationship that's not going to be true. Please talk to him.

Northernlurker · 13/05/2011 17:42

10 years and 3 children versus a few lines in an old diary about his 20 yr old self? Well all I can say is if this is really that much of a deal breaker for you then there is something major already wrong with your relationship.
People do all sorts of daft things when they're 20. I don't uderstand why you doubt your life together on the back of that.

HannahHack · 13/05/2011 17:43

Oh for god sake, it means nothing. I had a thing with two men at once, once upon a time. I gave them both the opportunity to commit/go monogamous but they declined. So I carried on with both of them. I'm not proud of it and it was not in the interests of anyone, but if anyone suggested my past behaviour made me less committed to my DP now, I would be very offended.

he's changed! Obv.

Original poster

Zenoka · 13/05/2011 17:46

We have talked about it and he has admitted it all (although he initially denied everything). Its like suddenly he has this dark history which has come to light and I just cant see him as the same person anymore.

I feel as though he never shares his innermost thoughts with me, but he will with his friend. This is the same friend that in his younger days he went out 'partying' with.

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 13/05/2011 17:47

I was no angel before I met my husband, but I have been faithfull to him since we met, and have no intention of ever changing that. :)

Things he did in the past are not worth wasting time on worrying about. :)

rookiemater · 13/05/2011 17:48

Agreed with HH, my past is not squeaky clean either, but it has got absolutely nothing to do with the present. He was 20 and single FGS. Also if you want to talk about breaking trust, reading your partners diary is not great.

Gastonladybird · 13/05/2011 17:51

I think this is more about you feeling shut out by your husband- you say he doesn't talk to you, spends time with oldest friend . This behavior was before he met you when he was young and a long time ago.

It seems you are reading more into his absences (weekends away, before he met you)- does he know you feel this way about communications?

Original poster

Zenoka · 13/05/2011 17:51

I know that its past history and that I'm probably over reacting, I just cant help feeling really hurt by it. There have been a few other times in the past where I know he has lied to me, so after this I really feel like I cant trust him anymore.

He seems off sex lately which is very unlike him, my figure isn't exactly what it used to be. I often catch him oggling skinny girls so I'm sure he still has his desire.

I just feel really low, hurt and upset about everything.

OP posts:

Pancakeflipper · 13/05/2011 17:52

He probably never told you because he wasn't proud of it on reflection.

TheOriginalFAB · 13/05/2011 17:52

I can see why you are hurt but tbh you are going to blow your relationship and spoil it if you don't let this go and see it for the small thing it is. He hasn't cheated on you but if you don't trust him you need to deal with that.

Gastonladybird · 13/05/2011 17:52

Oh and he may have denied it as didn't want to upset you - given it was something that happened before he met you , whilst it would be better if owned up , it's not the biggest lie there is.

Gastonladybird · 13/05/2011 17:56

Maybe need to think on how you can help some of those things that are making you feel low- you can do something about that and feeling a bit better might help you get some perspective about dh . Re lies - are they lies or just slips - I love dh to bits but know he forgets easily/ doesn't remember stuff that I think important as his brain doesn't work that way (in the same
Way mine doesn't take in some of his stuff...)

Original poster

Zenoka · 13/05/2011 17:57

Weekends away (stag weekends etc) have been while we have been married - I've trusted him 100% but not so sure now.

Yes, feeling very shut out. He will talk for hours with his friends but barely says a word to me. He never comes home and just 'chats' about his day or anything. No cuddles, kisses or affection. No apreciation of the hard work that do.

Its not that he had a lot of GFs that bothers me, its the way he had very deliberatly strung two of them along. This wasn't long before I came onto the scene so how do I know if he was cheating on me?

To me getting married doesn't mean "Oh, I better stop cheating now". Getting married is a sign that you love someone, and you shouldn't be cheating on the basis of "its ok to see other girls because we are not married"

OP posts:

Pancakeflipper · 13/05/2011 18:01

So you've not been happily married for ten years. Just married and building up all sorts of anxiety and issues? Please talk to him.

Original poster

Zenoka · 13/05/2011 18:02

I have to go now, as he is back from work and I dont want him to see this. Thank you to everyone for the replies, I'm feeling really confused and dont know what to do. I'll be back in the morning when he is out at work again.

OP posts:

ledkr · 13/05/2011 18:07

This is more about your low confidence and his apparent lack of interest,that is separate issue and needs tackling before you can move on.The anger and hurt you feel re his past is just the vehicle for you to express you feelings.

madonnawhore · 13/05/2011 18:10

I had a bit of a 'colourful time' in my early 20s. It's not something I'm especially proud of or anything I'd want my current partner to know the details of as I am a completely different person now with completely different views on relationships.

So he shagged around when he was 20? So what? That's exactly the age and stage of life when you're supposed to get all that stuff out of your system.

Why is this such a big deal to you now, really? Have you suspected he's been up to stuff behind your back since he's been married to you and now your finding this out is making all the pieces fall into place?

Or are you just judging him a bit harshly for having the kind of past that a lot of people have tbh?

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