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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I don't understand this, am I being the idiot

31 replies

Orchidlady · 13/05/2011 13:33

I have been urging my DP to see a doctor about for his ED problem for the past 5 months, eventually he went and has been told he has high blood pressure and so cannot be prescribed Viagra until that is dealt with, going for blood tests etc. Fair enough, I am delighted he finally dealing with his problems. The problem is I happened to mention to my mum that has been diagnosed HBP and our sons know because they saw himself testing @ home, I thought it was best to explain so not worry them, explaining that this can be sorted and not to panic. Basically DP has hit the roof, accusing me of talking behind his back, not be able to trust me, making him a laughing stock, WTF!!!!. We have has a huge row and now not speaking, I could understand if I had told everyone about his ED which has been going on for 18 months, but I have never told a sole about this I am really struggling to see what the problem is an why he is reacting like this or am I being an insensitive idiot. He has said I don't know the half of it and now can't tell me as I cannot be trusted!

OP posts:
Glowbuggy · 13/05/2011 13:54

ED is a very sensitive issue, you should not have told anyone about this and I'm sure your DP is embarassed. It would have been hard enough to tell his problem to the GP let alone having his family know. YABU and you should apologise. I know you didn't mean any harm but you are very much in the wrong here.

janinlondon · 13/05/2011 13:57

But she didn't tell anyone about the ED?

MizzyWizzyDizzy · 13/05/2011 13:57

I think perhaps your DP thinks you've been discussing his ED along with the HBP.

All you can do is try to explain that you haven't discussed his very personal issue...just his HBP in a very general way.

Original poster
Orchidlady · 13/05/2011 13:59

You have misread my post, I have NOT told anyone about the ED problems, only that he has High blood pressure, I would understand completely if I had told someone about this and he was upset. He was using a blood pressure machine @ home and 11 years wanted to know what was going on, I just explained this to him so as not make him worry as DS tends to sensitve about things

OP posts:
madonnawhore · 13/05/2011 14:00

You only told immediate family members about his high blood pressure? I think he's overreacting tbh.

Maybe he's just ultra sensitive about it all in general because the one condition impacts on the other. But still, I don't think you've committed any grave disloyalty by mentioning he has high blood pressure.

ChippingIn · 13/05/2011 14:00

Glowbuggy - try reading the OP properly, particularly this The problem is I happened to mention to my mum that has been diagnosed HBP and our sons know because they saw himself testing @ home and I could understand if I had told everyone about his ED which has been going on for 18 months, but I have never told a sole about this

Orchid - you didn't do anything wrong. HBP is nothing to be embarassed or ashamed about. He needs to wind his head in and tell you what the other shit is that he's hiding from you.

Glowbuggy · 13/05/2011 14:00

Oops sorry - I read it as you explained why he went to the GP. In that case he is being a bit over sensitive.

Original poster
Orchidlady · 13/05/2011 14:00

To everyone again have not discussed ED, Ithink that would be incerdibly insentive, he know that I have just mentioned the HBP thing that is why I can not understand why he is going mental,?

OP posts:
primalero · 13/05/2011 14:04

From what I read, you haven't told anyone about his ED.

If he let his sons see him self-testing his BP then I think it's natural that someone told them about the HBP. Ideally it'd have been him but that depends on the circumstances (younger children may need a more immediate answer, older or adult children should be able to wait longer.) If he was using an inflatable cuff in front of others then it's hardly a secret, most people would realise he was checking his BP and in an adult male, chances are he'd have high rather than low BP.

Personally I don't think you should have told your mother though.

Maybe he has reacted this way because he sees the BP and ED as one and the same issue. Maybe he sees HBP as an "old person's" issue and that freaks him out and he's not ready to admit it yet. Maybe he just has a different idea of privacy than you though, some people happily tell everyone about their health concerns while others keep things quiet. That's our individual right. Depending on how long you've been together though, it's unusual that this reaction has taken you by surprise.

MizzyWizzyDizzy · 13/05/2011 14:09

I read it as you haven't mentioned the ED.

I think your DP is worried that you revealed everything thing about his HBP including the ED...to him maybe as primalero says the ED and HBP are one and the same.

Original poster
Orchidlady · 13/05/2011 14:21

No he does not think that I have told anyone about the other thing that is not an issue, we have been together to 18 yrs and he has always been open about any talking about medical things, happy to talk about having vasectomy ( is that how you spell it). with anyone including my mum. TBH he is acting very strangely, I think people can have high blood pressure and not ED surely. Seems totally over the top, accused me of all sorts is things last night

OP posts:
MizzyWizzyDizzy · 13/05/2011 14:23

In that case then I'd say his behaviour is over the top too.

Maybe there is something else he's worried about??

MumblingRagDoll · 13/05/2011 14:26

Well he may feel that the high blood pressure is a sign of weakness...sort of unmanly...and with ED already then he is feeling sensitive.

Just say sorry and let him know that HB can affect all kinds of people with all levls of fitness.

Mouseface · 13/05/2011 14:29

Like what Orchid? What else has he accused you of? Is this totally out of character for him?

Original poster
Orchidlady · 13/05/2011 14:31

Mizzy, Yes is he is but it I think he is is being totally unreasonable, I don't think being accused to stabbing someone in the back, betraying them, and saying things like 2can never be trusted again" is totally pathetic, just wanted some other peoples thoughts really. Have no one to talk about these things in RL, especially now!

OP posts:
Original poster
Orchidlady · 13/05/2011 14:37

MF, that I am "a nutter", alcholic, untrustworthy, backstabber. TBH I am really pissed off, in one way I am very proud of him to go and see the GP ( which I have told him) and he admitted he discussed out relationship with the GP, I did not mind. I tell a couple of people that he has HBP and goes mental. And yes Mumling I have told him a thousand times that his this is not unusual for someone of his age that smokes and drinks and takes no exercise but it can be dealt with. Think he is behaving like childish twat, AGAIN, sorry for the rant

OP posts:
Mouseface · 13/05/2011 15:01

Orchid

What a charmer! Why is he taking this out on you? Do you think that he's worried, I mean really worried about his health so he's projecting that onto you in the form verbal abuse.

Was he drinking when he said those things to you?

You need to make it VERY clear to him that speaking to you like that is not acceptable behaviour, regardless of his reasons.

AnyF · 13/05/2011 15:08

he has totally over-reacted

HBP is obviously very, very common

would he rather your 11yo worried about what he saw his dad doing ?

your assessment is right...he is behaving like a childish twat

ED or no ED, there is no excuse for speaking to you like this

how much longer will you put up with it, love ?

Original poster
Orchidlady · 13/05/2011 15:09

Thanks Mouseface, yes he was drinking, again, I think you may have a point that he is worried about something more than just HBP, the Dr told him him if she gave him Viagra he would have a heart attack, ans is a likely candidate to suffer a stoke, ( his mother died @ 57 from stoke out of the blue). Like a lot of men I think they pick on the wrong things to get angry about

OP posts:
MizzyWizzyDizzy · 13/05/2011 15:11

Well, after your last post Orchid, I think he is being totally unreasonable too...in fact he seems to be being down right abusive towards you.

I probably won't be giving good advice now...but if this was me and this was totally out of character for him I'd be digging like nobodies business to find out what an earth had really triggered such an out burst...I don't think this level of stuff is solely to do with you discussing his HBP.

Original poster
Orchidlady · 13/05/2011 15:12

AnyF, well atleast he went to the doc's after all this time, I guess I feel he deserves a chance. he was also muttering about AA and relate. WTF, in 1 one way seems to have a personality change. Been banging on about the above for ages

OP posts:
Mouseface · 13/05/2011 16:29

Then I'd say his relationship with alcohol (and I should know) isn't a very nice one, infact, I bet he binges and drinks more often than not?

He needs to take a huge step back here. He clearly gets paranoid, over defensive, and let's face it, he behaves like a child just to get your attention, whenever he drinks.

Okay, so, does he only or mainly yell/call you names/become abusive after or during a drinking session?

Does his GP know that he's drinking like that, and is it each day?

Surely, with HBP and the medication he's on (what's he on?) he should be steering clear of booze anyway and arguments? Why cause a fight when you are supposed to be watching your BP?

You need to make a list for him and show him just what he says and how he makes you feel.

And FWIW, you are completly in the right for explaining to your DC why daddy was doing what he was. Children get so scared when they don't have all the facts.

Much better that they know why daddy's doing that than thinking they do.

bleedingstill · 13/05/2011 16:38

it's his HBP that's making him explode!

AnyFucker · 13/05/2011 16:40

having HBP doesn't turn you into a verbally-abusive twat

no excuse, none at all

a problem with alcohol may explain but never excuse it either

squeakytoy · 13/05/2011 16:44

The alcohol is probably a major cause of his HBP, so I would tell him to cut the boozing and he wont need a bloody testing kit. I would also tell him to have a bit more respect for you too.