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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Saying no too often?

52 replies

BooJonesMummy · 12/05/2011 17:14

Hope it's ok I post this here.

Me and OH are both very open people. We talk every day about our feelings about the relationship and our sex lives. 12 months ago we made the decision for me to come off the pill and get the contraceptive implanon because I was forever forgetting and I get irritation a lot from condoms. Since then my periods have been really dodgy and I have had a few bouts of anemia and they still havn't really settled and recently I've found myself very tired by the evening times (back on the iron tabs blergh!) So sex hasn't been the one thing on my mind. We have still been having sex but not as regular as we used to and we've started to argue about it. He says I say no too often (which maybe I do I admit sometimes I make excuses because I can't be bothered) For the past 6 months we've not really opened up to eachother as much as a consequence we've been very snappy at eachother in the bedroom.

Last week in the morning we both woke up before the alarm and were having a cuddle and a chat (I was in and out of sleep) DD wasn't awake yet and he asked me if we could do a bit more than cuddle. I didn't want to and said no, it was 15 minutes before the alarm was due to go off and I wanted that 15 minutes to chill out before having to start the day, plus I've got yet another bout of thrush and anemia. Despite that he took what he wanted and I made it clear afterwards that I felt used and I wanted him to just bugger off to work. I may have been being unreasonable but he even made a sick joke "i'll leave you a tenner on the bedside table, buy yourself something nice".

I confronted him 2 days later and he didn't seem to realise what had hurt me so much and turned it around completely and said "well fine I wont Fing bother again will I!" It just made me feel even worse and the air was no clearer.

Sorry for the long one I just needed to vent I guess.

OP posts:

BooBooGlass · 12/05/2011 17:17

He's an arse and he had sex with you against your wishes. DO you really think that's OK because you have said no 'too often'? What an arsehole.

BecauseImWorthIt · 12/05/2011 17:19

That's called 'rape' BooJones and it's definitely not acceptable.

Malificence · 12/05/2011 17:23

So he raped you and then made a joke about it?

pozzled · 12/05/2011 17:26

It's rape. It is difficult when two partners have very different sex drives, but that NEVER gives someone the right to 'take what they want'. And to make a joke about it is quite sick, and also shows that he knows perfectly well it wasn't normal sex.

PhilipJFry · 12/05/2011 17:30

He definitely did realise what he was doing was wrong.

"i'll leave you a tenner on the bedside table, buy yourself something nice".

This shows it. It may have been meant as a joke but it was also him admitting that you hadn't really wanted to do it and had most likely not enjoyed it. By saying it out loud he acknowledged that and used humour to try and make it okay. He's turned it around on you because he knows what he did was wrong, and feels defensive because if he admits that to himself then he'll have to admit he's the bad guy. It's easier to make you feel guilty and act like you're being unreasonable...it's a psychological tactic a lot of people use.

Please please please don't think that you're saying "no" too often- there is no such thing as you're free to say no whenever you want too and that is your right. He has done a terrible thing.

zikes · 12/05/2011 17:31

It's not unreasonable to make it clear you feel like shit after being raped.

MrsMoppet · 12/05/2011 17:37

"He took what he wanted"????

I'm so sorry this happened. You have thrush and anaemia, and your OH raped you. How very caring of him.

Nothing, nothing, NOTHING justifies him doing this to you. It doesn't matter how often you say No, and whether he likes it or not; he's committed a criminal act. Not to mention totally betraying your trust.

Is this the first time this has happened?

Do you need any advice re what to do now? I have the impression that you are going to be quite shocked by the word "rape" when you see it here in black and white. How can we support you?

I hope you're OK.

PhilipJFry · 12/05/2011 17:47

Your story is still quite on my mind OP, so I just wanted to say a few more things.

It can still be rape even if you weren't held down or threatened.
People who experience marital rape or rape within a relationship may think "I don't know if it was rape, and because I'm not sure, it can't be". This is not necessarily true. It is normal to be confused and conflicted when something like this happens. No one wants to think that they've been attacked by their other half, and may have trouble reconciling what has happened with the person they are with.
Just because someone doesn't scream or cry out, or say "stop" over and over again, doesn't mean they haven't been assaulted.
It wasn't, and will never be, the victim's fault because they weren't clear enough, or didn't do more, and should have said something that they didn't at the time. This takes the blame from the perpetrator and shifts it onto the victim, and is wrong.

Diggs · 12/05/2011 17:57

How awful op , i hope your ok .

He is abusive . He has sexually abused you and then emotionally abused you by trying to minimize what happened . These sort of behaviours never occur on their own so i assume there are other areas where he is abusive even though you might not have noticed .

You refer to arguments about sex , but im inclined to think that actually theyre not arguments , theyre attempts to bully you into having sex when you clearly dont want to . He doesnt get to decide you say No too often. Men like this will harass and bully and think theyve got a claim to their partners bodies . They havent.

There has probably been a build up to this , hes been arguing with you about his right to have sex on you , maybe he gropes you or makes unpleasant comments , either way , hes crossed quite a line , and in my experience once theyve done it once theyll do it again and claim your making a fuss or over reacting . Your not .

Had he done this to someone else he would be locked up by now .

GypsyMoth · 12/05/2011 18:01

is thrush catching? because i hopee it is!!

thats awfull,truly awful

Xales · 12/05/2011 18:02

You are obviously upset and hurt by this and know full damn well that it was completely wrong otherwise you wouldn't be posting on here. I don't know how you can stomach being in the same room or sharing the same bed as this thing.

This man has had no sympathy for you being unwell and under the weather.

He raped you (sex without your consent) and then treated you like a very cheap whore on top of that.

He has given himself permission to treat you as an object he can use (abuse) whenever he wants. He will do it again unless you spell it out clearly to him.

Print off the legal definition of rape. Tell him that if he ever so much as touches you without your express permission again you will be out of there.

YOU ARE NOT UNREASONABLE TO NOT HAVE SEX EVER UNLESS YOU WANT IT

I hope your thrush clears up soon and I hope he gets a really really nasty dose of it. Or stick a load of itching powder and chilli into his pants.

TurnipCake · 12/05/2011 18:06

What a horrible thing to go through, I hope you're OK :(

Diggs summed it up well. Something similar happened with my ex - believe me, they know exactly what they're doing - and his minimisation of the situation says it all.

StayFr0sty · 12/05/2011 18:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

perfumedlife · 12/05/2011 19:15

He raped you. Please go to the police, and pack his bags. I can't see how you will ever be able to forget or forgive this, and he certainly doesn't appear to acknowledge what he did. He is blaming you.

So sorry, this is shocking, really shocking.

CrapBag · 12/05/2011 19:33

This is awful.

It is rape and I would be telling him where to go. He knew you said no but "took it anyway" . I could not be married to someone like this. I have a low sex drive and poor DH has given up asking me. He would never ever "take it anyway."

ShoutyHamster · 12/05/2011 20:35

He raped you.

Go to the police and report it - the entire circumstance. They will most certainly be able to confirm for you that it was rape.

And then you can tell him that.

And have a big long think about what you want to do next.

I would not want to be within a mile of, much less be in a relationship with, someone who thinks what happened there was ok.

Feel free to talk here though, even if you don't feel up to taking any action right now, and mull things over - plenty of sympathetic ears who can offer advice or just a (virtual) shoulder.

Oh and in the meantime, next time you do a poo stick his toothbrush right in it, give it a very basic clean and pop it back into place :)

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 12/05/2011 21:55

Is it by any chance him who's the one who makes a big deal about how 'open' and 'honest' your relationship is? Sometimes people who pride themselves on their honesty are actually really horrible. What they call openness is a lack of boundaries and a complete disregard for other people's feelings. Which is what your H has displayed here, by trying to bully you into letting him have sex on you and then just going ahead and raping you.

Do you think you would be safe if you told him to leave the house for a while to give you time? If you said to him 'As we are open and honest, this is how I feel - I don't know if I want to carry on living with a man who has raped me.'

FabbyChic · 12/05/2011 22:01

Thrush is very contageous, and you shouldn't have sex whilst you have it.

What he done was unforgiveable, and you have to make that known that it cannot happen again, you are not a spunk recepticle for him to use at will.

You have feelings, if he were to try to get in touch with those feelings you might feel more like having sex.

worthless · 12/05/2011 22:36

Omg - can't believe everyone shouts rape! Hardly helpful is it! Ok OP was not up for it - who would be given the thrush and aneamia etc but for goodness sake who hasn't done it when not in the mood? I am really getting a lot of help personally from MN has have recently started a couple of threads but really feel these comments aren't helping. Quite clearly the man in question is an arse and only concerned about the servicing of his dick but rape is harsh (harsh on the OP - not nice for her to feel about her man in this way) ...

Dropdeadfred · 12/05/2011 22:40

worthless....the way the OP talkabout it 'he took what he wanted' makes it appear to be rape in this instance
she hasn't said he talked her round or that she changed her mind..she said no and he still did it unless th op states otherwise it does seem like RAPE

Xales · 12/05/2011 22:48

worthless she said she 'didn't want to and said no' but 'despite that he took what he wanted'.

That is not her giving in when not in the mood (and why the fuck should she even if she was fit and well!) that is a man raping a woman who has said no because they consider themselves more important.

worthless · 12/05/2011 22:50

Prob me then!!!! I've said "no" loads of times and then to keep the peace just done it anyway...not enjoyed it and been amazed at how H can ever enjoy sex when not a two way thing but there you go :-(
Still think "rape" is too strong a word for this. Reckon OP is just as sad and lonely and hurt as me over this. It does show her other halve up to be a selfish, self-centered prick but not in my mind anyway a rapist....

AKissIsNotAContract · 12/05/2011 22:58

No offence worthless but you really do have some very harmful views on relationships. How can you possibly think rape within marriage doesn't exist? Reading your posts about your own relationship, I find it distressing enough that you will tolerate all that you do, encouraging other women to do so is not on.

SuperSara · 12/05/2011 23:05

I agree with you worthless; I've had sex when I've not really wanted to and I think my OH has probably done so too, when he's not really wanted to but I did.

Isn't all this talk of rape in this case insulting to the victims of those truly appalling sex attacks we girlies live in fear of?

As a woman, I hate to make light of the OP's situation, but I think we need to get a sense of perspective rather than the black-and-white, 'It's Rape! call the police!' comments.

millie30 · 12/05/2011 23:07

Worthless, do you really think it's acceptable to tell somebody who didn't consent to sex that they weren't raped? I can understand you feeling uncomfortable if the subject matter reflects your own relationship, but that is no reason to push your damaged views onto the OP.

I hope your ok OP.

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