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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Saying no too often?

52 replies

BooJonesMummy · 12/05/2011 17:14

Hope it's ok I post this here.

Me and OH are both very open people. We talk every day about our feelings about the relationship and our sex lives. 12 months ago we made the decision for me to come off the pill and get the contraceptive implanon because I was forever forgetting and I get irritation a lot from condoms. Since then my periods have been really dodgy and I have had a few bouts of anemia and they still havn't really settled and recently I've found myself very tired by the evening times (back on the iron tabs blergh!) So sex hasn't been the one thing on my mind. We have still been having sex but not as regular as we used to and we've started to argue about it. He says I say no too often (which maybe I do I admit sometimes I make excuses because I can't be bothered) For the past 6 months we've not really opened up to eachother as much as a consequence we've been very snappy at eachother in the bedroom.

Last week in the morning we both woke up before the alarm and were having a cuddle and a chat (I was in and out of sleep) DD wasn't awake yet and he asked me if we could do a bit more than cuddle. I didn't want to and said no, it was 15 minutes before the alarm was due to go off and I wanted that 15 minutes to chill out before having to start the day, plus I've got yet another bout of thrush and anemia. Despite that he took what he wanted and I made it clear afterwards that I felt used and I wanted him to just bugger off to work. I may have been being unreasonable but he even made a sick joke "i'll leave you a tenner on the bedside table, buy yourself something nice".

I confronted him 2 days later and he didn't seem to realise what had hurt me so much and turned it around completely and said "well fine I wont Fing bother again will I!" It just made me feel even worse and the air was no clearer.

Sorry for the long one I just needed to vent I guess.

OP posts:
Dropdeadfred · 12/05/2011 23:14

Supersara - I used to think that rape from a stranger was horrific - I still do
but imagine if the man you loved did it to you,,then smiled and went to work. And you knew he would do it again and again...
isn't that horrific too?

And I do not mean when you sigh and say 'oh go on then' I mean when you say no and they do not accept that
Worthless...sorry but Sad for you

wearenotinkansas · 12/05/2011 23:19

BooJones - I think there is something quite wrong here. I suspect only you can say whether he forced himself on you - and frankly I can't tell that from your post. But even if he didn't he's being stupid, insensitive and selfish. IME you might be able to get over this one incident - but only if he realises that he can't do this again. Otherwise I wouldn't want to keep him around for much longer.

pozzled · 12/05/2011 23:20

Consenting to sex when you don't really want to is one thing. Saying 'no' to your partner and then having him 'take it anyway' is another- rape. No, it's not the same as a rape or sexual assault by a stranger, but it does have a whole other side to it because of the huge abuse of trust. The OP is in a long-term relationship with this man, sounds like she does/did love and trust him a great deal, and has now discovered that he has so little respect for her that he will have sex with her knowing that she does not feel well, doesn't want to and has not consented.

OP, I do hope you are ok. It must be very hard to see so many people saying that your OH has raped you, and perhaps it wasn't what you wanted to hear. It is indeed a harsh thing to think about someone. Only you can now decide what you want to do next, and I'm not sure how I would feel in your situation. But I do know that there's people on MN who have been through similar experiences and plenty of willing listeners.

TurnipCake · 12/05/2011 23:20

Worthless, you sound like you've got a lot of personal demons to deal with, but projecting them onto this thread isn't going to help the OP or yourself.

Anyone who has sex when they've not really wanted to really needs to look inside themselves and ask who/what they've settled for - no sane man I know would even be able to get it up if they knew that the other partner wasn't really up for it.

NerfHerder · 12/05/2011 23:24

worthless and supersara- if someone continues to have sex with another person when they have said 'no'- that is RAPE. End of.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 12/05/2011 23:27

This is rape

It matters not whether it is a stranger in the bushes, or the person in the bed beside you - rape is rape. Fortunately, the law is quite clear about this, even if some posters here aren't.

OP, I would suggest calling Rape Crisis and Women's Aid, because you need someone in RL to validate what happened here and to help you step back from minimising this, or thinking that you were in any way unreasonable.

worthless · 12/05/2011 23:28

This is not about me and my crap marriage.......where in OP's post did she say that she was Raped? She is hurt and feels like a prostitute - she does not feel raped!!!
I will say no more now and wish OP good luck in her battle to sort this out - no real advise to her as I know what the hurt feels like. But rape? No I don't feel raped and I don't think that this is what OP is saying either

SuperSara · 12/05/2011 23:30

NerfHerder and WWIFN,

Now you've used capitals, bold type and the phrase 'End of.' to reinforce your views, I can see that your opinions are wholly correct and mine are wrong.

Thanks.

zikes · 12/05/2011 23:40

When the op said she said no and he took what he wanted despite that, that's when rape came into it, worth. Sex without consent is rape. It may be a word you wouldn't use yourself, but that's what it is.

NerfHerder · 12/05/2011 23:45

worthless- show me a prostitute that is not raped.

NerfHerder · 12/05/2011 23:48

supersara- using the words 'appaling sex attacks' and 'girlies' in the same sentence suggests to me that you're not even a woman. Sounds MRA-speak to me.

StayFr0sty · 13/05/2011 00:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 13/05/2011 00:07

Look, this isn't what a bunch of randoms on the internet believe. It's what the LAW says, so yes - we are correct. Sex without consent is rape.

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 13/05/2011 00:22

Nerfherder: Sex workers often do get raped. But agreeing to have sex for money is not rape. The OP in this case refused sex but the man went ahead and had sex on her anyway. That's rape.

NerfHerder · 13/05/2011 00:30

SGB- it is not fair of me to derail the thread with a conversation about the consensual capacity of sex workers, but I have not yet met a sex worker who has not been raped at some point in their lives.

strawberry17 · 13/05/2011 08:05

This thread has left me so cold and I really feel for OP and worthless, can't imagine how awful this is Sad

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 13/05/2011 08:17

Nerfherder: Agreed (that this thread is not the place for such a debate). Sorry, Boojones.

madonnawhore · 13/05/2011 09:38

Supersara and worthless, your posts make me really sad, as does the OP's.

As someone has already said, it's one thing if you consent to having sex when you don't really want to have sex 'just to keep the peace'. Although that's awful in itself and I know I wouldn't be able to enjoy myself if I knew my partner wasn't really into it. I find it disturbing that men can have sex with women whom they know aren't really enjoying it, even though they've said 'yes' so technically it's 'ok'. If you find this thread uncomfortable then I think it's because you have issues in your own relationship regarding this which sound very unhealthy and damaging.

BUT, it is entirely another thing to say to someone 'no, I don't want to have sex with you' and then they have sex with you anyway. That is rape. The law is very clear on that. All that is needed for it to be rape is an absence of consent - it's that simple. There are no grey areas where the fact that you're married, or the fact that one of you has been saying 'no' too often, or the fact that there is no violence or random stranger jumping out of the bushes which mean it can't possibly be rape.

If someone has sex with you after you've told them 'no', it is rape. And it's as simple as that.

OP, I'm not surprised you feel like shit. You are entitled to be fuming angry too. What are you going to do?

newnamethistime · 13/05/2011 09:55

If ever the OP needed convincing that something was wrong - it's worthless (change your name!) questioning whether something is rape or not.
OP - read worthless's posts and you will see what I mean.

The only person (bar supersara, whom I'm not familiar with) who doesn't think it is rape, is someone that puts up with marital rape frequently.

No boundries worthless. Please get help.

Diggs · 13/05/2011 10:46

I've said "no" loads of times and then to keep the peace just done it anyway...not enjoyed it and been amazed at how H can ever enjoy sex when not a two way thing but there you go :-(

Thats not acceptable worthless , and its not normal .

madonnawhore · 13/05/2011 10:48

Diggs :(

wearenotinkansas · 13/05/2011 21:41

BooJones - Are you ok? Haven't heard from you.....

Celibin · 15/05/2011 12:44

I do not think you are worthless- I think he is the worthless one.What a selfish. cowardly, uncaring clod he is! Putting pressure on someone to do something they cannot really do leads to resentment and no relationship can thrive on this basis. It is obvious you did not, could not, consent.

ohboob · 15/05/2011 18:49

I hate when there's a thread like this and people come on and say 'it isn't rape.' Of course it is. It is so very destructive to people who have been raped or abused to hear someone say that, as if legitimate rape only ever concerns a stranger in a dark alley with a knife. Most rape is about a partner 'taking what he wants.' It is sex without consent and that is that.

How many women feel ashamed and tell themselves repeatedly that they weren't raped and have no right to feel violated because what happened to them doesn't fit the stereotype mentioned above? It makes me so angry.

OP I hope you will return and are ok. You have every right to feel how you feel.

SuperSara · 18/05/2011 00:33

NerfHerder and StayFr0sty

You've absolutely made up my mind that MN is the witches coven I feared when I first signed up here.

Anyone who doesn't agree with the clique's opinion here is derided and bullied. Yes really, I did say that; I can't think of another way to describe the accusations of being an imposter and even lying about my sex.

Not agreeing with your opinions is surely not worthy of the sort of response I used to feel as an 'outsider' in secondary school, is it? I thought that b*tching was the forte of an in-crowd of teenage girls, not adults supposedly supporting each other with reasoned debate and intelligent thoughts.

Anyway, I've said what I wanted to say. I've seen what I hoped I wouldn't see here and it's cemented my thoughts that it's not for me so I won't be posting here again.

I wish the OP in this thread all the very best.